Silent Night

Chloe,
Christmas has come and gone. I thought I would be doing allot worse, but I think it is all masked by the numbness. The house is quiet-too quiet. The only children in the house is your brother Ayden. The other children are gone this christmas break. I hate how quiet the house is, like it echoes with every breathe I take. I dont know how to feel, what to feel, what to do, or how to do it. I just wander through the days keeping myself overwhelmingly busy, so at least maybe I can keep the emptiness from taking over. Your first christmas has come and gone. I wish I could have seen your eyes light up with the twinkel of all the christmas lights. I hung a stocking for you, nothing fancy, but it has a "C" embroidered on red velvet. On the christmas tree I hung a ornament of pink baby shoes that say in that cliche way- "babies first chirstmas". I tried to include you as much as I could, but at the end of the day when I head to bed, your still gone, your still dead, you will never know what christmas is. Christmas is signifigant not just because of the holiday, but becuase in 30 days exactly it will be your birthday, or death day, or whatever day it is. It is pretty much the day I died. I am not looking foward to the next couple of months. What a crock of shit this has turned out for us. Your daddy makes holidays so special though. He can cook up the best food, the house  always smells like heaven while he is in the kitchen. I cleaned house most of the day to bet ready for company. It was a nice small gathering of your grandpa and aunt Samie and your cousin Damien. It's hard to look at the christmas tree and wonder why I even put it up at all. I know your brothers and sisters love it, but now I know that a tree is not important. The fragile short time with my children is what is important. I will put on my brave face and I will  make everything as memorable as I can for them, but it kills me. I'm still dying a little more everyday. I dont know when it started hitting me. I started the day off well, so I thought, but I feel it again, or should I say I feel nothing again. The numbness, the emptiness, I didnt even realize I was hurting until the end of the night. The end where I had used all my energy up holding back the tears, missing you, and keeping my smile on my face that I was exhausted by the end of the night. Is every christmas going to feel this way? Will I always feel as empty as your stocking hanging on the wall. I could be sitting around our tree with all of your brothers and sisters, your auties, cousins, grandpa opening all the presents and it will still feel like there is something missing. The void in the room is there, but nobody talks about it.
I know this next month will be hard, probably the hardest month yet. Does it ever get any easier baby girl? When will I be able to feel something other than pain, anger, sometimes even hate. But through all of the agony, how can I feel the most profound love for you? I get so confused, so frustrated. Your daddy knew something was wrong last night, I know I dont have to tell him, but he so sweet and asks anyway. "I miss her too baby",  I know he does. I know he misses you so much.
Well baby girl, I will end this one short tonight. There is not enough slamming on this keyboard I could possibly do to make this pain any less real than it already is. Can we meet up in my dreams tonight? I have a present for you, I only wish I could give it to you the way I should be able to.
I love you Angel, more than you will ever comprehend. Thank you for the snow on christmas baby.
Until I hold you again,

Mommy

Let it snow....and CMV can suck it!

Chloe,
I have battled back and forth with what I have wanted to say to you. I am all over the place. I was hoping I would handle this holiday crap better, but I am not. I feel like the grinch and all I want to do is hide in bed and wait for it all to be over. Soon the 25th of December will come and exactly a month later on 25 January it will be your birthday or deathday. How do you say that in one word?  You would be 1, the most important birthday of all. How will I spend that day? Oh I dont know, I might just scream at every person I walk by about how thier life is better than mine. How they have children to spend this time with. I know, it sounds stupid. I am spinning out of control, I can feel it. My entire body is hurting everywhere but my mind is numb, it's like I have tuned the world out. This was how it was a year ago. The beginning of the end as I refer to it. Your Angels were hard at work again doing some awarenss and fund raising at the hospital craft bizzaar. It is so weird to me that I get so excited about these events and I enjoy them while I am there, but for days afterwards I am emotionally and physically uncontrollable. Since then it seems that I have been on a downward spiral to another dark time. Afterall, around here I may see the sun for 4-5 hours, why not live in the dark? I can become a hermit and never leave the house. I could wear my pj's all day long and not give a rats ass. What a great idea huh? No, I know it's not, but it is really the only thing I want to do. I have been feeling sick, I have stomach pains, Im weak and fatigued, and I know it's because your gone. My nights are becoming more restless and I wish this would all pass. I walk around work with dizzy spells and I know I am not hiding this well at all. How could I? My precious baby is gone. I feel more hopeless and sad that I have in a while. The feelings are always there, but now it feels like I am getting ready to go to the hospital again, to meet you, kiss your little face. Your cold, life-less face. I wonder every second of everyday what you would be doing right now. Smiling? running around? playing dress up? Your mommy has never been good at the girly thing, but for you I would have bought you the entire Barbie collection and I would have played with you for hours. Whatever you wanted babygirl, I would be at your becon call. I just wish I knew where you were, this isnt how it's supposed to be. Im your mother, I should know where you are at all times, but to not even have the choice- it kills me everyday.
The mystery of life after death is killing me. Are you somewhere warm? Is it dark? Can you feel anything? Are you alone? Do you know who I am, and if you saw me again would you run to me? So many unanswered questions, it's such a jacked up way to live.
I want nothing more than to leave this place behind and live somewhere else. I know this will not fix everything, but maybe it would be enought to get me out of this funk. No matter where I go that fucking virus CMV will follow. There is not enough funk in this world that could keep me from getting the word out about this horrible virus. Children suffer, babies dies and parents are left to make sense of it all. This is absolutly unsat! Maybe if we get transferred to ever state and country with an Air Force base before me and Daddy retire maybe I will be able to get the world out there enought that the medical community will listen. I am so tired of meeting people in medicine, healing people, and saving lives that have no fucking clue what CMV is. If I hear that CMV is "not a currently not a threat" I will kick someone in the face hole. Hey Doc, I have a great idea-let's wait to do something until the virus has complely consumed everything and then maybe we should give a shit. I call it the "after the fact approach" or let's just call it what it is- fucking lazy ass ignorance. I have been trying to set up a gift wrapping fund raiser, but time is running out and your brothers and sisters have performances here, activities there, and homework out the ears I have to remember where the priorities lie, but if I can squeeze it in, you know I will.
Well baby, it's time for me to go. Much to do and headed off to start my second job! (laundry ;0)
I love you, I miss you, until I see you again.

Mommy

Tired of feeling the bitter cold

Chloe, it's freezing cold outside all the time. I dont think the temprature got above 10 degrees today. While dropping your brothers and sisters off this morning my truck said -6. Really? After 24 years of living in this state you would think I would be used to it. Im not though, not even close. Last winter was a total blur. The kids, fighting for custody, finding out I was pregnant, meeting the bitch CMV for the first time, winning in court, losing you only 10 days later. I really dont remember how cold it was last year. I know that Anchorage broke the record snow fall but I cant remember when it snowed. I cant remember if I shoveled or went sledding or snowboarding. Would it really matter if I did. You will never get to do that. Chloe this sucks, everything is so hard. My body aches and is stiff at the mere sight of looking out the window. All the trees, my truck, the bushes are covered in a thick layer of ice. It has been sunny beyond belief, all the sun we were wanting this last summer finally showed up, only 4 months late!!. I think it is bullshit by the way. I miss my bittersweet ignorant state I used to be in. I went through the first 7 months without you like I could make it through everything. Hello grief, hello pain, hello tears, hello sleepness nights, hello PTSD, hello depression, hello empty, and fuck you CMV. CMV is like the sorry coward bitch that sneaks it's way into your life, sleeps with you once only to leave shortly after without warning, a word, but has taken the liberty of stripping you of everything happy in your life. Taking life itself. This is bullshit. I hate fucking poker, I dont gamble, I havent played a card game in years and these are the cards I am dealt. Sometimes life is the cruel bitch and I wonder if there isnt some underground drug deal between life, carma, and all the sicknesses in the world. The worst part is, there is no answer to WHY?
The holidays approach yet again, the 25th of December, then exactly a month later your Angelversary on 25 January. How the hell am I supposed to do this Angel? I try to have a plan made up in my mind, but it doesnt feel like anything is going to work. I can keep ignoring it like I have been, but that hasnt done me any good in the last 10 months. There is no where to hide, but CMV can set up camp for the rest of my life wherever it wants. I'm sorry this is so angry tonight angel. I just got out of trig class so you can only imagine how fried my brain is. I am toast!!! I feel like taking all of my agression from trig class out on that piece of shit ass CMV.
I could swear I saw you today. Everywhere you were there, in all the blonde haired, blue eyed little girls I saw. Dropping Ayden off at school this morning as I hugged and kissed him goodbye I had to make my way past a sleepy and cuddely little girl. Her name was Chloe. Great way to start my morning, I know. I smiled though. Not the "I am so fucking happy I look like I slept with a hangar in my mouth" smile. But a gentle and hidden smile of how I love to hear your name. I could hear it all day.
I cant stop thinking of what could have been. Your birthday approaches and I  am flooded with so many memories (that I of course have made up), but you are certainly walking. Your laugh is so loud and adorable, and your smile can light up the room even when you not physically in it. Where are you? Why are you not here. What the hell am I supposed to do now?  I will carry on and love and care for your brothers and sisters, but it breaks my heart that a piece of the puzzle is missing from this family. You are missing from this family. The christmas tree is up, yes the damn tree is up. Why arent you crawling up to the tree ripping all the ornaments off? Why are there not any presents for you under the tree. Where is this life of mine going to? I just dont understand this. I need you here, I need you help me live, we all need you. This house hasn't been the same sent you left. You have never been in this house, but your absence has rocked it all the same. I hate that bedroom across the hall where the guest bedroom furniture take up space. The space where your crib should have been. I hate walking in that room, I hate the furniture in that room, I just hate allot of things I guess. Wow babygirl, this is enough rambling on for tonight. It's late, I cant avoid the enevitanble. I will miss you, I will ache for you, I will not sleep, but through all of that I will love you so.
Goodnight my Angel. I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again...

Mommy

To give thanks, or not to give thanks.....

Chloe,
I have had a rough couple of days. Not suprising I am sure, but last night I had a longing to hold you again. Instead, I laid in bed drenching your baby blanket with my tears. I miss you. I know you know that. The holidays approach and I find myself in a panic. It's like I do not know how to handle all of this. There is so much to do, so little time. I hate going present shopping, I have to walk down the isles. All the little girl toy sections and everything so cute and wrapped perfectly. It all screams Chloe wants this!!!  Sometimes I feel like buying it all up. I could wrap it up and place it under the tree with your name on it, just like if you were here. But your not, you will never be. Everything is coming back to me from last year. It is flooding my brain with memories or nightmares would better describe it. All these memories bring grief to my heart. Last year I was pregnant with you and at this time we knew you were sick. I had undergone the first round of experimental treatment and we were just waiting our time to see if you would be able to bounce back. Two days before thanksgiving (so that would be like- tomorrow!) we discovered that it was not working. After thanksgiving i would go back in again for another round of poking, needles, blood, pills, and tears. It is so hard to give thanks, to be thankful or happy in general. Time is drifting us further and further apart from when I saw you last. I dont like this "time" business. I dont feel myself getting any better. I just feel myself missing you more. I try to keep a smile on my face, especially for your brothers and sisters. It's hard, especially when they complain or talk about all the things they want that they dont have. I have told them to be thankful, to be happy for what they have because you would give anything to be here. To see your first christmas tree, to eat your first turkey, to open your first present and to play in the snow for the first time. I would pull you around in your little sled.  You could have seen your first snowfall, the way christmas lights glisten in the frost. All these wonderful things and yet I cannot find one bit of beauty in them right now.
So I started this post a few days ago babygirl. I'm sorry I didnt finish it. My body is trying to tell me something. Eventhough I know that a year ago during this time, I was pregnant with you. My mind knows these dates of importance, but my body can feel them. I have been hurting so much lately, my nights are even more restless just like last year, and my body aches for you. It is all so surreal, like it all happened yesterday. Last Thursday I went somewhere that I never thougth I would go. I went to the hospital where we were diagnosed and met with the sweet old doctor who tried to help us save you. He is a gentle soul, always so generous whenever your daddy and I saw him. The purpose of the trip was to talk some CMV stuff and to get a feel for the Alaska OBGYN network. Luckily our Karen came and was ready to do all the talking. I really didnt think much about going there. I was excited to finally get a call back from a doctor. It wasnt until I was waiting in the lobby of the doctors office staring at the same stupid ass tree that was decorated the same stupid ass way as it was last year. I think on that same day last year I stood in front of that tree, pacing frantically.  I felt the panic coming on. It felt exactly the same as last year, only you werent with me. No big belly, no kicking, just heart break. I thought I was handeling every thing pretty well. We finally got called back and I had to keep chasing all the nurses away from me who wanted to get my weight and my vitals. I kept telling them that I was just here for a chat, that I am not pregnant. That actually was really hard to say. We were ushered back and that's when panic almost turned to complete and utter mahem. We were taken into the same exact room where your daddy and I learned that you could not be saved, and to add insult to injury, I was sitting in the same exact chair where I rubbed the truck keys into the side of the chair; the marks still there. I kept telling myself I hope this doesnt take long.. Then a familair face, it was Dr. Gilsen's midwife Bethany. She knew exactly who I was without hesitation she walked over and gave me a big hug. Her embrace sweet and warming, but still oh so painful. We sat and caught up on the last year, how I am doing since you were taken from me. Not so good, as good as I can and I'll servive. You know babygirl, the usual. Nothing was as worse as sitting in that room and hearing the echoes of heartbeats surround every wall of that place. Healthy, strong baby heartbeats, followed by beaming and happy mother's voices. "everything is looking good", "You are coming along well". I sat there selfishly thinking what the hell? Where was mine? All I got was " I dont know" and 'We'll wait and see".  I do not blame Dr. Gilsen or Bethany, if it wasnt for them, I'm not sure if we would have ever found out. None of this was supposed to be our path. This was never supposed to happen. Talking with Dr. Gilsen was good, productive. I think Karen and I might have found a support network to start working this CMV stuff.
I couldnt leave that hospital fast enough. The trip back to work was filled with so much emotion. I felt dazed, lost, confused and angry all over again. These emotions feeling so raw. I spent the rest of the day on the verge of tears. Only letting few loose at a time. There seems like there is never enough time to grieve for you, to miss you. It is always non-stop around here and sometimes I ignore the grief. I push it aside until in errupts to the point of disaster. I dont know where Im going with this tonight, all I can say is that I miss you so much. I dont know how Im going to make it through these next few months. I fucking hate you CMV.
That's enough for now babygirl, it hurts too much. I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.

Mommy

If only I could be president!

I have to chuckle at the title of this blog baby girl. Who in thier right mind would vote for me to be president? None of that really matters for the simple fact that it will never happen. If I was though, could you imagine all the good I could do? It would be so easy to do your work and make legislation that required vaccine research on CMV and how everyone in the world would some how be informed about this horrible virus. Hell, I would even mandate that it is part of middle school sex education. I know that job is harder than it looks, but nothing could possibly be as hard as living without your dead child. I would take the long hours, time consuming events and countless signing of papers than to live this life without you.
I am glad the election is over Chloe. I saw a woman who brought her baby to the polls yesterday. She was so small, still in the carrier. That should of been us. I didnt look long, I still cant look at other babies, it hurts too much. I see you in all of them. I have to confess something Angel. Yesterday was the first time I have voted. I am not proud of this fact, but I finally voted for the first time at 30 years old. At first when election time was gearing up, I really didnt care. My child is dead! Why the hell would I vote? Nothing seems to matter, but it hit me yesterday- I had to vote. I had to. Not because I have some politcal agenda, quite frankly I really didnt know which one was the lesser of two evils. I sat in a chair waiting for your sister's counseling appointment. Looking out the window across the street was a sign that said "vote here". That's when it hit, like most things. I have to vote, I just have to!- because you will never get the chance. I didnt just have my voice to speak out for, I had two. You do these thing to me my lovie. You have made me realize my ignorance, my blind existance and that my reality was not reality. Any good that I do, I do because of you. If I never get to vote again, or if I never get to change the world of CMV, then the one thing I will say is that you have changed me no matter what. Life will never be the same, I will never be the same. I cant deny that I have done more good in my life since your death 9 months ago than I ever have in all my life. What a douche bag Ive been. I feel it, I know it in my heart that you would be looking at me telling me to do this. How you would do all the wonderful things in life if only you were breathing. I hate that it took losing you for me to realize that I have missed out on so much. That I have taken things for granted. Afterall, women did not always have the right to vote, and I chose not to. I know baby girl, it's stupid.
Thank you for the glimmer of light you show me in the darkness. This zombie like state I function in is only tolerable because I can see you in everything. There is nothing more I wish than to be with you. I am trying to wait my time, but until then I will just have to live life for you.
This is all for now Angel. I love you, I miss you, Until I hold you again.

Mommy


https://www.facebook.com/Angels4Chloe#!/Angels4Chloe

If I had a choice, everyone would know your name...

I love you Angel, I thought everybody shoud too...


https://www.facebook.com/#!/Angels4Chloe

Operation: Halloween sucks

Hey my sweet Angel, How are you? I have been thinking about you allot, not that it ever stops, but there are times when the acheing and yerning are unbearable. I dont know why I give a rats ass about Halloween. I remember Ayden's first Halloween and he could only stand to be in his dinasour constum all of 45 min before the melt down commenced. We had fun handing out candy; if I recall, the temprature was below freezing. Not much fun for a one year old. I dreaded today, but luckily I was able to avoid it like the plague. For the first time in my life, I was excited to go to trigonometry class. How crazy does that sound? No baby girl, your mother did not suddenly develope this love for math overnight. I was happy and somewhat relieved that class was during trick or treat time. I was able to avoid the adorable bumble bee outfits, the princesses of all types, the little girls who look so adorable no matter how ugly the costume. It sounds silly, but last year when I was pregnant with you handing out candy, I had already picked out your costume. You were supposed to wear it tonight. You would have been adorable. But no, it is just another milestone on my list of a thousand milstones that will never happen, not in this lifetime. I think daddy avoided it to. The kids werent too worried about Halloween. He packed everybody up and they went out for hot chocolate and came home to watch a movie. I think that is a better alternative than celebrating a holiday that originated from death. How silly it seems to me now. But I cant deny that seeing you in your costume would have made my day complete.
As relieved as I was to have avoided Halloween, it still wasn't enough to keep me from being sad. Sad about everything, not just Halloween. It's all the holidays, experiences, firsts, and milestones that I was robbed of. I will never see you in a costume, I will never hear you laugh when you see your costume makeup for the first time. I will never get to hold your hand as we walk up to a strangers door because you are too shy to ring the door bell by yourself. I will never sit in the living room with you and dump your bag of candy on the floor as we rummage through the good stuff and toss the junk candy. But most of all, I will never see you off to your first day of kindergarten, I will never comfort you as you experience the heartbreak of your first love, I will never  have the opportunity embarrass you in front of your prom date, and I will never see you in a wedding dress. Fuck costumes, they can all burn right now. When these times start to draw near I notice the changes in myself. Ive had more nightmares, restless sleep, and feelings of complete and utter defeat. School is kicking my ass youngin. I am working hard; all I want to do is set a good example for your brothers and sisters and to make you and your daddy proud of me.I feel like I am so far behind. I have done so much, but does it really count? Life counts, happiness counts, and above all family counts. I have been told since you left me that I was a strong person. I look back, and I am trying to define what strong means? I don't feel strong when I am curled up in a ball gripping on to your urn for dear life. I don't feel strong when the sound of your name can drop me to my knees. I don't feel strong when there are days when I cant even get out of bed. Chloe, I don't know. Does it make me strong that I can make it through the day in my robotic state? I thought I was doing better, or at least showing some improvement, but then these days come. These stupid ass days that are nothing but reminders of what I will never get to do with you. All because of a virus, a virus that no body talks about,the government wont fund, and the CDC wont make mandatory at prenatal appointments. CMV can suck it, I am so over it. I will find a way to right the wrong that has been done to me and our family. I know it wont bring you back, but its a small piece of justice, or at least it will feel that way. Just think of how many sweet innocent babies could be helped if only the mother's knew about this. I am so happy to have found the stop cmv action network (stopcmv.org), but I think I might start a new one, called FU_CMV.org. I wonder how many people would join?  Until that day baby girl, I will keep chipping at this iceberg. You deserve that much. I only wish I could do more. Well sweet pea, its time for mommy to head to bed. Again mommy has failed to get to bed at a decent hour. I avoid that too; it's like a never ending haunted house. Only there is really death, and the house is really my life.
Just know I think of you constantly. I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again....


Mommy

Ahh hell....

Ah hell Chloe,
I should be doing homework, reading, math, essays- you name it. I cant, I just cant do it tonight. I wanted to spend time with you. I need to.... I started my morning the way I always hate- waking up from a nightmare. I havent had one in a while. Might be the sleep med (natural) but usually I actually never make it to my REM cycle because the stupid dog need to go out and pee at 3 am. Well last night he didnt need to go I guess because I slept all the way through. It's a bitch to finally get a full nights sleep only to wake up having a nightmare. It's the usual kind baby girl. You know, the one where there is death and the death revolves around one of my children. The scene was not unusual, I was taking your big brother to work with me. What was unusual were the people. I was at work, but none of these people were my co-workers. This was creepy from the beginning. I had your brother on my hip, we walked over to where a group were standing to find out what the plan for the day was.  A man I dont know (supposidly coworker) asked to hold your brother and as he was holding him he proceeded to throw him literally across a room in to a glass table. At first when I watched him land my dream showed me very vividly that his head was taken off. When I ran over screaming to him, it was there but he was in and out of consciousness. The rest of the dream was me running around trying to find the hopital and every turn, elevator or room was the wrong one. It was like one of those dreams where you are running, but everything is in slow motion. I woke up horrified of course. I was suprised that I had a nightmare like this. I was kind of happy that they seemed to have gone away. There is only one comfort for me, and that is the comfort knowing that you will never have to suffer through these horrible thoughts, feelings, and nightmares. You truly are too pure for this earth. I dont want to leave this time with you like this. The happy news is your brothers and sisters are doing really well. School is going well for them and Ayden is doing great with his potty training. Daddy is working extra long hours this week, but it wont be forever. He is doing what he does best, and that is being such a wonerful provider for the family. I know he misses your terribly. I miss you so unbearably. The longing that I have to be your mother hurts so bad. I will wait my time, I will try to be patient. I just cant believe you are not here. I hope wherever you are that you think of me and know that I will find my way back to you. you wont be without me forever, though it may feel that way. I will end this now Angel, it is time for your momma to hit the sack.
You know I am always here- I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.

mommy

Help Chloe STOP CMV!

If anyone would like to donate money to help Chloe and I raise money about CMV awarness and advocacy I have provided the link below. Every penny counts and goes toward eradicating this horrible virus.
I love you Chloe
STOP CMV!!



Help Chloe STOP CMV!

If I could kick CMV in the JUNK- I would!

Chloe,
I am so happy to be sitting at the computer talking to you tonight. I have missed you so- although my absence has not been in vain. You would be proud baby girl, mommy is just about done with her degree (well maybe next summer). I was still going to school when I was pregnant with you, but when you and I got sick, I had to take a year off. I think of you and how I want to make you proud of me. I want all you kids to be proud of me, to follow my example and always work hard. Your daddy is done of course- he already started his masters. Im slowly bringing up the rear. One of the last classes I took was physchology class, haha. Lets just say that mommy learned a little too much about herself. One of the classes right now that Im taking is trigonometry- BLAH! Have I told you I hate math baby girl? Well I do, and I have put it off for the last 4 years. The only thing I have taken from it so far is as follows:

It has been 8 months and 1 days since your death, since I saw you taken away from my sight.... That roughly equals to 6,480 hours since I last held you, 17,400 seconds since I kissed your little face and if I live to see 80 at this point I will die having spent 18,250 days wondering this world lost and alone without you. I dont know how to put it into words, but this is absolutley unfuckingacceptable! There is not a second that goes by that I do not wonder how you are? Is it dark? Are you alone? There is nothing I can do from here, this place. It feels awckward and grey. I cant wait to take this virus and shove it back to hell where it belongs. I so wanted to go to the CMV International Conference in a couple weeks, but like usual the Air Force and life has other plans. I think it would have been hard to go there, but something I need to do. I would wear your signature color purple, and everything would have Chloe written all over it. There is so much work to be done and I know it will take time. Your mom was just never good at being the patient one.
Monday was Infant/Child Death Rememberance Day. It was hard- hard to sleep, hard to eat, hard to wake up and so hard to walk around like it was anyother day. I was happily suprised by the few who actually knew the day and asked how I was. It was some what comforting. You were every where (like every day) but it was a day laden with meloncholy. I followed my friends and fellow grieving parents on facebook all day- so many. Just so many mommy's and daddy's who go home with empty arms, or had thier arms wrapped around thier healthy child only to have them snatched away by the clutches of fate. I talked to your Auntie Allison about that the other day- about fate. I told her how I thought fate was a minipulative ingenious bitch. She takes the worst thing that could happen to anyone and makes life almost unbearable to live and then throws these wonderful people into the mix who are also walking the same path as you. How amazingly unfortunate. It is the worst paradighm in life that I can think of. 
Time is fleeting by so fast sweet girl. I choke back the tears at the thought that in just over 3 months it will be your angelversary. The moment you were born and died in the same breathe. How jacked up is that? Again, fate you are a heartless cruel bitch! If you had a junk too, I would kick it along side CMV! What do I do baby girl? That day is still a special day not because you died, but because I finally got to see your face, hold your tiny fingers and toes in my hand, and rock you in that rocking chair in the hospital. You were lifeless but it still felt right, it felt like I needed to. Would you feel me rocking you some where or wherever you are? I just cant wrap my head around this. I cant believe that these were the cards our family was dealt. We have had to endure so much over the last year- will it ever end?
Your brothers and sisters are doing well, they miss you so much too. Alina wrote me a sweet card to tell me that you and I will be together again. I love how she has such sweet memories of you. Ayden always says "Goo-nigh Choeee" when I tuck him into bed. He kisses your hand that I wear around my neck. Its a special time when i put him to bed and read him a book. It feels like you and him are together with me, and I am reading a bed time story to both of you. You are around my neck close to my heart and your big brother is on my lap and you are both soaking up every word that I say. You both are like little sponges!
Im sorry I havent written in a couple weeks baby. It has been so busy, and I wish I could write to you every night. Time seems like a luxury that I never have so when I have the slightest break to sit down and pour my heart and soul out to you I always do. You are my world, I just wish your world and my world collided at some point. Then I can be your mommy just as I should be and this horrible world would no longer exist. Well baby girl, that is enough for tonight. I also look forward to those times when I can fall asleep and see you in my dreams. Maybe one day they wont be nightmares of what happened but of thoughts and dreams of watching you grow into a young woman. In my mind you are just as breath taking as the day you were born.
I will see you soon. I love you, I miss you, unitl I hold you again....

Mommy

Angels4Chloe: It's raining again....

Angels4Chloe: It's raining again....: Hey sweet girl, I miss you, did you know that? I think about you every second of every day. I know I dont write all the time, it's probably...

It's raining again....

Hey sweet girl,
I miss you, did you know that? I think about you every second of every day. I know I dont write all the time, it's probably a good thing. There are so many crazy thoughts that run through my brain at any given moment.  It's raining again; I know this is no suprise to you- it always rains here. I grew up with the rain, it used to not bother me. Now it does; the rain reminds me of my tears. Always there, always pouring. The gloomines of the days make me want to curl up and stay at home. I wish I had a reason to stay at home. Your brothers and sisters are at school, daddy is either sleeping or at work. It makes no sense to stay home in an empty house that echoes with the sound of dispair. I know I am painting this really pathetic picture of your mother for you, but that's where I am at without you. All because of a virus. A virus that no one knows about, that doctors dont talk about, that the CDC wont advertise because there is no dollar amount behind it. Sometimes the anger that boils down deep inside of me is enough to make me want to go postal on people. Why? Why not at least talk about it? So there is no cure? Like the world has not had to deal with that before. The cure is great, but knowledge is half the battle. I cant stop rolling it around in my head Chloe, what if?  What if I was told what CMV was? What if some OB or my midwife said to be aware and to wash my hands more often. What if it was something I had the option to have a blood test just to see if I had it?  It amazes me the power those "what if's" hold.
Sometimes sitting and thinking this over and over and over in my head brings me to the realization that I was done wrong. Not only by my body, but by those who are privlidged to such information. I know I have said it once and I will say it again- I know you ass clown doctors who dont speak of this virus go home to every childbearing age women in your family, circle, and amongst eachother and warn about this virus. You leave the rest of us to the fucking wolves. That will change! Come hell or high water I will make sure that changes. The smallest ripple of my pain and grief will cascade into the largest wave of knowledge and truth that this virus will not be able to hide like it has for so long. How can you tell me this is not a problem when 80% if the population has it by the time they are 40 years of age??  And there is absolutley no funding going towards this virus except what non-profit organizations provide? I bet if a politians baby was stricken with this virus or that baby dies like mine has then there would be neon signs plastered from here to Sunday!  Why? Why does a celebrity have to give thier name to a cause for a cause to be taken seriously?  These are all the rants I ponder a million times over baby girl. I cant help it- all the what ifs? And the dreaded whys? Why you, why now, why me, why us, why our family, why, why, why?  All these questions I never get answers to.
Tonight was hard baby girl. It is so hard to put into words what I am feeling. I can never explain it. I layed with your urn on the floor and just hugged you. It felt good to squeeze you like that. Your urn felt ice cold, just lke you did the last time I held you in my arms. In a strange way it was comforting. Like it was really you- the coldness of your skin is forever burned into my memory. I remember how suprised I was and how disappointed that your heat had left your body, it left so quickly. This would be the eerie presence of death. Im not afraid of that anymore. I guess I never really gave it much thought before you, but now I think of it constantly. When those families on the news talk about their lost child I dont listen to thier words. Nothing expresses this anguish more so than the looks of utter debilitating pain in their eyes. I wonder if I give it away when people see me. I spend so much time trying to be strong that it exhausts me so much. By the end of the day I can hardly keep my eyes open.
The week since I last wrote has been busy baby. The work load, kids, therapy, and my classes; I am finding that I might be slightly overwhelmed (understatement of the century).  I wonder if I can keep this pace up. You would be proud of your momma though, after 7 years and 5 deployments I am finally a senior in college working on my last 10 classes.  I might do one more minor so I might actually have more classes than that. Im so close, the light is there at the end of the tunnel, but it seems so far away.  Your daddy has been helping me allot, I have to really work on my concentration and focusing on my school work. This has been the hardest thing to overcome since losing you. I would rather think about you than read about meteorology or aviation safety. I have a few more Chloe projects going on and still working on more. I have a donation website set up and we have some donations already :0) You will be making your appearance at a baby fair and women's fair, but those are not until march and april so I am finding other ways to spread your glow. The CMV internation confrence is coming up at the end of the month. I dont know if I will be able to go :0( This saddens me allot baby girl. Your daddy will be working an exercise and it runs into the conference time frame. Maybe I can pull the family together and work a way for me to go, for you. I have this need and urge that I have to go. It's only once every four years, and the following conference will be in Italy, so it will be another 8 years before it is in the US again... sometimes I just hate being so geographically far away from everything. There is so much I could do if I was closer.  I will figure this out, who knows I might be able to go.
Well baby girl, I think it is a good idea for me to end this post on a good note and stop before I get on my soap box again. You know I love you right?  You are my Angel and one of my true loves.
Sweet dreams Angel, I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again...

Mommy

Loving you.....

Hello my Chloe,
I thought about you all day (what else is new) but it was bitter sweet. One of many wonderful Angels you placed in my path gave me great news when I needed it most. It looks like my very special Angel took you all the way to Capitol Hill to raise hell about CMV and the fact that doctors or OBGYN dont even discuss this damn virus at all. Dont get me started on the fact that there is ZERO funding going towards this virus whatsoever! How the fuck does this even make sense. Its right there in front of thier noses. There are families talking, crying, screaming about the agony they have faced becasue of this horrific virus and nada, zip, zero, and zilch. Just imagine if they took the time to test and see if those children who are diagnosed around age 2 with a mental disability such as Down Syndrome, hearing loss, and learning disabilities, I wonder what percentage of those darling babies would have traces of CMV in thier blood. Now Im no doctor, but after the last year and all the doctors appointments and the "I dont knows". By the time the third appointment came around your daddy and I were just about as knowledgable about CMV as our actual doctor was. We earned our PhD from Google bitches! That's right, our doctor did the same thing as well. I do not discredit the wonderful doctor I had, this is a issue in the medical community, not specific to just one doctor. These people unless acutally affected by CMV could not possibly fathom the amount of pain, despair, agony, loneliness, axiety, depression, and hopelessness parents feel when they are to just sit back and watch thier child suffer. Sending your favorite Angel to D.C. baby was a blessing, I know it is. These are baby steps, but I cannot help but be optimistic. I wish I could have been there myself. There is nothing that makes me beam with pride more than to hear your name. The fact that your name and story brought tears to those who heard about you. Your little Angel Karen has been working hard. Next week Sen. Begich (AK) and Sen. Lisa Murkoswki will be signing a letter to move and encourage the CDC to implement counceling and information to patients during pregnancy visits. Hopefully the rant I just hand will start to be the dwindeling of a devestated and sometimes bitter mother. I dont want anyone wo have to go through what our family did babygirl, I know you dont want that either.
I know I dont do it enough, but I want to thank you for bringing your Angels to me. It is such a bitter sweet thing, sad and yet happy at the same time. Without you being taken from me, I would have not met these wonderful people.  Im so glad they are in my life, yet I am so sorry that it has to be this way. Talking all this hospital chatter brings me back to so many memories in my mind of those 5 months. The blind euphoric feeling when we went to our routine ultra sound to be completly blown away by what the doctor said. Every mother's reaction is probably the same- what do we do. Daddy's is always, "How do we fix it". Ive never seen your father so upset. His role is to fix things, and being told "I dont know" by the doctor was and always will be a hard pill for your daddy to swallow. I keep playing over and over in my mind the last ultrasound of you we had. Normally those are such wonderful times, watching as the bundle of joy dances and moves on the screen. My favorite was always watching and listening to your heartbeat. It was so strong at the beginning. You were such a fighter, I thought it was all just a mistake, a nightmare. Eventually it would clear up, everything would check out normal and we would have you, take you home, and off running we would go back into parenthood. I feel sick about it all. You last ultra sound was so eerie, so cold. That was the first one we went into that I actually felt like everything was going to be ok. Every other appointment I would be on the verge of puking, I would be so nervous, so scared. At the end of each appointment, I always had a reason to feel that way. As the ultra sound went on and on, the ultrasound tech kept going back to certain spots, she would never make eye contact with me. She would never say anything, she would just click away. All we heard was click, click, click.......She knew nothing had changed. I feel bad for her. You know your mommy had this crazy idea that she would go to school to become an ultrasound tech someday.  After this I can honestly say I cant do it. I can not relive those visits over and over again and watch the light in a mother's eyes fade knowing that something is wrong. This is why we are working as hard as we are babygirl. This has to stop, every family should be given the information about CMV. Vaccine or not, I know for damn sure those who are intitled (medical people) to this information are going home and telling every single person in thier family to look out for this virus.  We need to change that and just tell CMV to look out for your momma, cause she is pissed. We will just keep on, keepin on baby girl. I must, because I love you. Not even death will change that, if anything absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I am so fond of loving you...
Well sweet Angel, Im off to bed, and off to bed you shall go to. I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.....

Mommy

Over the Rainbow

Angel of mine, I miss you so. As the days grow darker and the clouds linger I find myself sadder than ever. I used to find all the goodness in almost everything, now it is harder and harder to find it. It feels like I am walking through this enless tunnel of blackness, but my eyes never focus in the dark. Its completely pitch black. Im learning new things about my life now everyday, like how hard a simple laugh can be when all you think about is death. My body pains come and go but when they are here it is so excrutiating. I wish I could find other things to occupy my mind, but if its not you then it's my frustration over this fucking CMV virus and how there is not much help out there trying to get the words out. There are so many families affected by this that it sickens me that I have gotten so much resistance from the hospital you were born at. Im not done yet, I will keep poking and prodding. After almost 11 years in the military as a mechanic, I am pretty sure I know how to get someone to listen to me. I think about that sometimes, wondering what you would become if you were here for me to watch you grow up. I dont think I would let you join the airforce, I would most certainly not let you become a crew chief. I had much higher ambitions for your dreams. You should have been the other part of my shadow. Your brother on one side and you on the other. This little trio of rambunctious shenanigans (mommy loves that word) and laughing and cuddling. Today is kind of a blah day, I really dont know how to put it anymore. Babies are everywhere, everyone is having a baby, everyone is having trying to have a baby, and for some reason it seems like all the chromosomes do not have a Y attached to it. There must be something in the water, because "It's a girl" is everywhere I go. I love babies, I love them so much but I still cant bring myself to hold one. It hurts to much. I had a rough weekend though. It seemed like there were "tests" all around me, like little "Nikki I'm going to jack your shit up and see what you do" kind of tests.  At one point I saw a child get hurt, everything turned out ok, but it did look pretty bad at first. I just remember shaking and looking for Ayden everywhere. I clung to him like a crazy rabbid mommy. When I left to get food for  a bit I kept playing over and over in my mind that you brother had gotten hurt. It was so pathetic at one point I was figuring out where to put you and your brother's urn together. Yep, baby girl mommy has about lost her top. I calmed myself down, but I cant say it was easy, it never seems easy anymore. Taking care of you and your brothers and sisters would be easier. Im still caught off gaurd when asked how many children I have, I always include you of course, but if life would have been good to us you would be carried around in my arms and the number 5 would be more apparent. I ask myself all the time if Im going crazy.... Im pretty sure you get a kick out of this. Am I crazy because your clothes still hang in my closet? Am I crazy because everynight I sleep curled up into your baby blanket, which I have yet to wash by the way. You might think its gross, but to mommy its about as close to you as I can get. It was the last thing I held you in. I remember for the first few months I took it with me everywhere- the store, to class, to work, even to the gym (but I would leave you in the car).  Dont think that because I dont take you to those everyday places anymore baby girl that I am over it- hardly. Mommy got a little to much anxiety thinking about what would have happened if someone spilled something on it, it ripped or got caught on something, or dirty with someone's vomit. I know this is all my exageration, but do you know how devestated I would be? This hand knit (by  our auntie autum by the way) blanket was the keeper of your bodies warmth before you turned ice cold. This little blanket was swaddeled you so tight and so warm that I almost felt like I suffocated you with it.  This blanket it worth more to me than anything in the world- anything except life itself, your life. You should be here spilling your juice on it, you should here ripping holes in it, and you should be spitting up breakfast on it. Not anyone else, not even me. It is like shrine that I keep next to my bed along with my carving of a mommy sitting in a rocking chair rocking her baby girl to sleep. Dad and I have been talking about moving allot. We will, we are military; it is the ineveitable. I am ready to go, as much as this is where I was born and raised, home never really does feel the same way after you have been gone as long as I have. Now it is a constand reminder of what is gone. I have been back to the hospital twice since you left us. I have walked past our hospital room twice and I can tell you Angel that it sucks. It is still the worst feeling in the world, but going back was even worse because you were not there. I at least had you that short time, now it's just me there and all the people going on about their business who have no idea why this crazy woman in the hallway is crying and looking like a dead woman walking. I think Im ready to leave. The last time your daddy and I talked about it I started to cry. This is the only place you know, you were born here, died here and now I am going to leave that behind. I cant explain the emotions that overwhelmed me, but either way i know I will be a sappy mess. When the day comes I will pack you up with me, you can ride in the middle next to me and daddy and we will drive wherever we are headed to. At least I can take you with me, but I would rather have a carseat instead of an urn. But be that it is what I have been handed I will still hold you close as we drive over the rainbow.
Goodnight baby girl, I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.....

Mommy

Reminders

Today is September 11th baby girl, I know you would not know the signifigance of this day and Im glad. Im not glad you are not here, but I am glad that you do not have to see the horrible things in this world. Its days like today when thousands of people lost their lives and it makes not difference what the reasons are, wether if be acts of terror, war, or illness, it always makes me think of you. I feel like Im living the movie "Ground Hog Day". The same thing is repeated, over and over and over again. The emotions are just as profound, nearly 8 months later it still feels like 8 minutes ago. I am thinking about all the mommies and daddies out there who lost thier children to the terror attacks on this day. It was those acts that prompted your mommy to join the Air Force. If I had not joined the Air Force then I would not have met your daddy and you would not have been in my life, however how brief it was.
I am growing so angry sweet girl. I am so upset that I cant see your baby blue eyes. I am so mad that I cannot kiss your face. I feel so lost without you, like Im just walking around in endless circles. Even around people that I have known for quite sometime I feel like I dont belong, like we no longer have anything in common. Who could understand? I havent written in a while because I have been mentally and physcially beat. This grief is taking its toll on me every second of every day. Why did it take so long for this to hit me? My body aches so much anymore, its almost hard to get out of bed and move.
I miss so much about you like I always do, but today I cant stop thinking about your little feet, your tiny hands, your baby cheeks, and rubbing your baby chin. I wish you could be here with me right now, to cheer me up, and keep me on track. I still ask why you had to go, I'll have to learn that Ill never know that answer. Its so frustrating to live life like this. Wondering if Ill ever hold you, get to see you, Ill do whatever it takes for that.
Oh baby girl so much I wanted to do with you. Everyday that I wake up your clothes still hang in my closet, perfectly pressed the way they were the day I bought them. I'll be seeing Teresa again tonight, your daddy is coming this time. I am glad he is. Its nice to talk about how we feel, to be able to get it all out. It seems like we are always so busy that we never have time. The 20th is coming up, Im still working on what I want to do to remember the day I found out you were growing in my tummy. Ill be 30 which Im not happy about, but I dont want anything to be about me anymore. You and your brothers and sisters are the best part of me now. Whatever I decide to do, I will let you know, I think you will like it. You would have been my little rebel tomboy.
Well baby girl, I must sign off and finish the rest of my day. I think of you every second of everyday. I miss you so much it literally hurts every part of my body. But dont you worry about me sweet girl, I know you take care of me.
Well love, I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.....

Mommy

Rabbit Hole....

It's like looking up Chloe, and seeing nothing but darkness. The nights are always there and the days never come. That's how bad I have felt the last couple of weeks sweet girl. It's only been the last few days that I feel like I might actually be climbing out of the rabbit hole and into the light. Whether that is the light of day; I'm not sure yet. Everyday I think about the same things. I wonder what you are doing, I wonder who is there with you- maybe g.g. grandma is there looking after you until I can come be with you. I wonder even more now what you would be like? look like? would your hair have turned blond to brown? I can imagine that you would be the miniature image of you big brother Ayden. The memories I have developed over the past 7 months has you two playing, bathing, and eating together.
As he grows and grows and all his little baby clothes are of no use to him it hurts my heart. My baby boy is become a preschooler, soon diapers will be gone, independence will take hold, and he will not have much use for me anymore. But there was supposed to be you there. To keep me in that priceless age of a child; the innocence of simple bubbles bringing you into a laughing tizzy.  The simple pleasures in life that make a young child smile for no reason.  I need that right now, I think my inner child is leaving. I just pray that it is not replaced by a bitter old woman. My 30th birthday approaches in 20 days, I keep trying to forget. It really doesn't mean much to me at this point. You would be almost 8 months at that point, it scares me how fast time goes by. I feel so behind in my grief like I will forever be floating in this dreaded world of pain and loss.  God I miss you. The thought of you not being here and the reality that I am to walk this world alone without you kills me. Its the worst thing to have a child die, to bury you child, to find ways to live tolerably in this life. But to never know why, and to know that there will never be an answer for that stupid ass 3 letter word is even more unbearable. You know how hard it is for me sweetie, you know I blame myself for you, that I couldn't protect you, and what this whole family has had to go through.
Your daddy and I were watching a movie last night and it had these two young brothers running on the beach playing the surf. Without so much as another breathe I started balling on the couch like a baby. It was like I was watching you and Ayden playing together like that, living in those beautiful moments that make childhood so great. These memories that I have made up in my mind that will never come true.  Your daddy keeps talking about baby number 3. I have to admit baby girl that it petrifies me. To go through it all again with such high hopes, only to lose another, and to have it be all my fault again. When I think about it I sometimes feel guilty, like I would be betraying you as my daughter by having another child. No other child could replace you, but would you know that? Would you understand that mommy and daddy love you just as much as all of your brothers and sisters?  I know this may sound childish, but I cant help but think about how you are feeling, what would you think if I were holding another baby in my arms rocking , kissing, and singing lullabies to?  I'm still very much in a place where I cannot make this decision. I think it might be years before I can even think it as a possibility.
Until then I will keep working on your cause, spreading you glow around, and protecting other mothers and babies from this horrible life. I will never know a life without this pain, that life is gone now. But its you that gives me the strength to protect others. I am excited to have a CMV meeting with our Karen. She is going to be such a big help and such a inspiration to keep doing good and to keep fighting the fight. I hope one day when I get to hold you again, you can be proud to say that I am your mommy. There isn't a day that goes by that you are not mentioned to someone. I do not have 4 kids, I have 5- make no mistake just because she is not here on my hip that she is not here in my heart. I love you baby girl, you know I miss you, I wish I could have done better. 
Well my lovely angel, I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.....

Mommy

Ice cream....

Hello Angel,
It's that time again- the time where I have built up so much emotion over a short amount of time that I have to get it out to you. I just have to get it out. Your Daddy is funny, he always asks why I cant talk to him like I can pound on this keyboard so easily. I never really thought about it until now. I guess its because I feel I need to tell you these things, even the dark and clouded feelings of death. I have to because I have to justify why I didn't protect you, why I couldn't save you, why you are gone now. I have hit the ultimate low these past couple of weeks. I didn't realize it until now, but I haven't dealt with your death. I'm not really sure what that exactly means. Acceptance is out of the question! If I ever heard that I could potential pull a gun on that person. How can I "accept" that my daughter is gone? How can I just accept that this is my life now? This is it, and there is no changing it. The only thing that has changed is me. I keep getting told I need to "work through this", OK great, but what exactly does "work through this mean"? Is it like an exercise that I repeat over and over again? Is it something where I can just eat a bowl of ice cream and it will all just go away. Working through this is the most unbearable , frustrating, painful, lonely, and dark I have ever felt in my life. To add the cherry on top of my ice cream, your still not here, your room is still empty (even with furniture in it), and my heart is still bleeding.  The shock has worn off and the reality of grief has set in. How strange, you left me over 6 months ago. Why now?  I am taken back by emotions I felt in the hospital room, the pain, the frigid cold, the hallow words of people I didn't know. There were loving words my Chloe, but nothing could take your lifeless body and make it warm. There were no words at all, I have just stopped talking all together.
I feel like you left yesterday, maybe hours ago, even minuets ago. That's how raw all the emotions I feel are. Over the past 6 months my goal was to wake up and be able to smile, I did that and I think I did it too well. I was avoiding this..... and now here it is- like it or not. Now my goal is to have more good days then bad days. I get shaken easy, the thought that everything I love will eventually die plays in my mind like a carousel. All good things eventually will come to and end, but why did you come to and end? You didn't even have a beginning. You were a book and all I could put on the cover was your name. I thumb through pages and pages of blank canvas. I don't know how to "deal with this" baby girl. It just doesn't make sense, and when I stop trying to make sense of it, then I get angry. I know I must face this, that I must find ways to cope with my new life....I don't like it. I do what I can by thinking that you are worthy of every emotion I am feeling and the ones that are still yet to come. Tomorrow is your walk to remember at the hospital, the same one you were born at. I will deliver the baby blankets to the same place you were born, and walk by the room I gave birth to you in. That in itself is extremely emotional. Your brothers and sisters will be walking tomorrow. We will all have our Chloe T-shirts on, I am hoping many will ask "What is CMV"? There is so much I have going on with your work, I am trying not to do too much at once, but it is hard when it is all I can do to feel like your mother. Normally I would care for you 24/7, I feel like I have so much time to make up for. You will be featured at a benefit dinner in Ohio next month. I am very excited that there will be so many eyes reading about you. I wish I had a story to write about how you are sitting up, rolling over, crawling, taking your first steps, graduating high school, getting married, having babies... I could go on forever. But it is not to be, I will not see you through those milestones. Everything happened in the wrong order, you should have buried me, not the other way around. I will continue to write for you, to love you, be your mother. Each milestone brings a sadness now. Your birthday approaches soon, my birthday next month. I don't care about mine, it was the day I found out I was pregnant with you. My 30th birthday can fuck off. I'm OK with that. I love you so much, more and more everyday, its hard to explain how you can love someone that is gone, that you only know briefly and you never said a word, but it doesn't matter- I just love you.
Well baby doll, its time for me to go, I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.....


Mommy

Our Song

Sweet baby girl,
I know it has only been a week, but it feels like ages since I have talked to you. I will not give you an excuse like "Im too busy" or "I just dont have time". It is so much deeper than a frugal excuse. You probably already know the real reason. That it just still hurts, i should be talking to you every day as I rock you to sleep in what should have been your nursery across the hall from me and your Dad's room. How lonely that room is now. I have chosen a song and everytime I hear it I have to fight back the tears. This song has now become my ring tone. It's the song by The Band Perry called  "If I Die Young".  It is a simple song, but in those words it touches the deepest part of you in me. How I wish I could have layed you in satin and put you to rest in a river. I should have sent you away with a love song, not watched two strangers in suits carry you out of my sight it what appeared to be a gym bag. You were so tiny in that huge bag. I remember everything so vividly in my memory. The man that zipped the bag up had a black suit, tie, blue shirt. The watch he wore on his arm was really large. I remember this because I wanted to rip his arm off as soon as his zipped you up, you were in there, but gone. It was so surreal. No one should say goodbye to thier child that way. A love song would have been much more fitting for you. Instead it was cold, almost seemed silent. If people were talking I dont remember. I was the last to hold you, I placed you in that stupid fucking bag and I hate myself for it. I hate everything about this now, the bag, how frozen it was becase it was left in the hurst at 30 below zero, the hospital, this stupid virus that nobody knows about. Well not for long, I cant stand this shit anymore. You were so precious, you still are precious. I hate myself for watching those two men turn the corner out of the room and carry you away. Why didnt I run after them, why didnt I chase them down and take you back? This has to be a dream, this cannot be real. CMV cannot exist and I should not know this pain.  
Your airshow CMV awareness booth was a success sweet Angel. You raised over 800$ in 2 days.  I have never heard your name so much at one time and the fact that they were complete strangers made it all the better. How sad it was at the same time, I only met one famiy that had been affected by CMV, a young boy named Aiden. How fitting that Ayden is also your big brothers name. Two days your Daddy and I stood out there with your two aunties and Grandma and Grandpa and we only met 3 people who had heard of it. I know I didnt reach everybody, but I was told about 250,000 people were there in attendance. If only I had a microphone, every 500,000 pairs of ears would have heard me scream CMV from the top of my lungs. The week leading up to the air show was busy, stressfull and exhausting. After all was said and done I cried, hard. Probably the hardest I cried since you left my arms. I pulled your keepsakes out; your hand and feet molds, your name card from the hospital, the only clothes you wore for 16 hours. I laid them out and curled up in a ball on the floor and cried. I need to, I felt like it was the only way to get close to you. Images of you passing in my mind and I would cry harder as I remember holding you after you had been cleaned and clothed back in my arms. When you were born I was the first one to hold you; you were still warm, sweet and angelic. After you had been taken I finally had you placed again in my arms to find your lifeless body cold as ice...reality struck yet again.  I was proud of our accomplishments at the air show, but those accomplishments and feeling of pride are always followed close behind by anger and frustration. I shouldnt be at the air show like this, this table shouldnt exist, this virus shouldnt exist, but my daughter should! Why?  This stupid ass question is all I have....why?  There is never an answer. At least not one I want to hear.
I will carry this pain for you baby girl, I have the confusing rationalization that I am glad I can carry this burden for you. My selfish motherly insticts still wish you were here though. In your sweet name baby girl, we will accomplish what we set out to do.
I love you sweet Angel, God knows how much I do, and soon the world will know as well.
I love you, I miss you, unitl I hold you again...

Mommy

Are you insane?

Hello Angel,
I wish there were other things to talk about tonight, but I just wanted to get things off my chest. You are so good at listening, I feel like you are the only one who will understand. A man walked into a movie theater and killed 12 people and injured over 50 in Colorado near where your daddy's family lives. As of now there appears to be no motive.  Its so sad sweet girl. It breaks my heart to know that there are other mother's out there right now screamig, crying, and numbing to the fact that thier child as gone. It seems like yesterday I was planning your funeral, crying over every minut detail not being perfect. I recall so vividly how I lost weeks of sleep tring to find you the perfect urn. Everything your daddy and I picked out was either sold out or did not ship up to Alaska. I remember the feeling of hopelessness, the feeling of utter emptiness as the night would come and wishing that daylight would never show up. Its a dark place baby girl, but I cannot lie and say that I have not been there. I truly believe that the only reason I can face the dawn is because of you and your brothers and sisters. I couldnt imagine taking my own life, yet some lunatic walks into a movie theater and freely takes the life of people he has never known.
I have cried allot the last couple of days. I cant help myself when it is so overwhelming that even biting the inside of my lip like I always do to hold back my grief to the point of bleeding is not keeping me from exploding with emotion.
Your daddy and I received our invitation for the annual Anchorage Walk to Remember. I heard about this day before I left the hospital, before you even left my sight I already knew. How strange it was to be holding your lifeless body and being told that I can walk in your memory every year. When I checked the mail that day I instantly knew what the envolope was that carried the bereavement leaf on the front of it. It was from the hospital, and inside was a note to remeber "your loss".  I cried, in the middle of the street I cried. Children were riding bikes, playing, not a care in the world. I was jealous, how silly, but true. That should be you riding a bike, that should be you with marshmellow gew on your face and that especially should be us playing in the yard as a family. To think that some idiot bastard caused this pain to families who otherwise would have lived on to life long and prosperous. This is bullshit. I wish I could hug those strangers, to cry with them, to let them know that they are not alone. I know this is what they will feel like, it is hard to explain but there is no other feeling as lonely as losing a child. I will tell you that I love you, that you are the light in my life. I can honestly say now that you were to pure for this earth, to be around this sickness, this disease of lunatics and crazy stupid people that make me want to pack up my family to the woods and live in solitude. I wish you were here, but I find little things to be thankful for like the fact that you will never know pain like this. You are still pure and will forever be, even when I see you again.
Well baby girl, I must sign off. I must put my anger aside to love you. I am so sorry that I cant be with you right now. I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again....

Mommy

Cookies and Jet Engines....

Hello sweet girl,
I know its been a little while, you wouldn't believe how busy mommy has been. You will be making your grand appearance at the Air Show on base next weekend. I couldn't be more thrilled to share you with anyone and everyone. Its been a hard week.I have teared up allot, cried, and hated the world yet again. There is this lingering of pain waiting to burst. I know its coming, and I know why it's there. On the 25th, it will be your 6 month "Angelversary". 6 months, I cannot even to begin to tell you how much I miss you, how far away you feel. Its been 6 months since I held you in my arms. It just fucking sucks. That's all I can say. It wont get any better, it will only add up. More time will go by, more pain will surface. All it will encompass if the time I lived without you in my life, my arms, in my home. Its all yours, your life, your arms, your home. So why are you not here?  To push through it baby girl, I have done many things with your name on it. For the air show I ordered t- shirts. Black with purple writing. To keep your touch on everything I made sure your tiny hand print is on them. Its about you anyway, so you will be on it all. I also had awareness bracelets made, green and blue for the colors of CMV, but I had the writing done in purple- your name on it of course. This work has helped a little. It has made me more driven to do your message, to keep you close. To find a way to still be your mom, even though the simple things like dressing you in the morning will not happen.  Your big brother keeps me especially busy. He is funny, I picture you two would have been one in the same. He has developed a very profound attitude. "No", seems to be bulk of his vocabulary and he now has learned to scream at me when I do something he doesn't like. He is so spirited, so alive. That's how you will be. I know it- you had your mother written all over you. I long to hear your shrills of excitment and your cries of frustration so I can come and hold you, to make it all better.
On your Angelversary, your daddy and I will be gone on a trip to the middle of nowhere Alaska. It just happened to fall on that day, maybe it was always supposed to fall on that day. I wont be doing anything to celebrate that day, but I will be doing something to celebrate you. Your CMV awareness booth at the air show is going to be great. I know you will send people my way. I have got people I work with baking and donating yummies that I will wrap and place your card on it. Auntie Samie will do face painting for all the little Angels that walk by. I am just hoping to reach as many people as I can, I love you. Well sweet girl, that is enough for now. I know as the time gets closer I will have so much to tell you. For now all I can say is that I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.....

Angry...

Hello sweet angel,
Its been one of those days baby girl. Im angry, I cant stand myself today. It wasnt a good day to be angry because it is your dad's birthday, but sometimes I just cant help myself.
Work was ok, nothing spectacular, then the day progressed. I had planned to make your daddy dinner. I went shopping for cards but everything good was gone so i had to settle. On the way home I checked the mail- it was odd that there were two envelopes, one from the Alaska native Hospital where most of our treatment was done and another from the VA.. I opened the hospital envelope and was shocked, upset and just fuckin pissed. How the hell do I owe 933.00 dollars for treatment almost 6 months ago that I shouldnt even get a bill for to begin with because I am in the military and a dependent!! So I opened the VA letter, and much to my upsetting suprise was a letter. The first sentence was "we are sorry for your loss". Ok, but as I went on it was to suggest options and resources on how to spend your life insurance money. Great assholes, it was only 6 months ago, and that is great and dandy, but the money was invested to the custody battle to pay the damn lawyer to protect your brother and sisters who were getting abused and neglected!!! 6 months ago!! I cried sweet angel, I just went into the garage and cried, hard. I have not done that in  a while and I think I needed it.
Maybe there shoud be a sesitivity class for people like me, the people that look at others and the stupid shit that happens and my filter is completly gone. Im frustrated because the first thing I will do tomorrow is call that stupid hospital that didnt save you and ask them why I need to pay them any money when they dont deserve it and to top it off my medical is fully covered by the military. I guess its just the principal of it all. After all this time, it still hurts so bad. I guess it hasnt been that much time, not even 6 months... but it also feels like an eternity at the same time.
Im sorry sweet girl, im just angry.... you should be here, I should be holding you, I shouldnt be getting stupid mail, and this blog shouldnt exist. Either way I need you Chloe. every part of you even if it is only in my imagination.

I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again....

Mommy

Your name...

Dear Chloe,
I had a wonderful surprise today. My dear friend Allison whom I call my SIG (sister in grief) sent a wonderful card. You didn't know it but you participated in the MISS foundation Kindness walk where grieving families walk in memory of a child lost. Allison sent me your card, this was placed next to her two children (twins) Shelby and Dalton. You three are very close, all of our memories include the three of you causing mischief. Grief can cause profound extraordinary things to happen in life. This woman, Allison, I met online on the MISS foundation website. I read her post about losing her babies and she had lost them only weeks before I lost you. My message was short and sweet, letting her know that I would be praying for her and her babies. She replied and an instant bond took hold.  She even came up here to see me while her husband was on business downtown. It was a happy few days, we didn't cry about you three. We talked as if you were still here, with us downtown at that very moment. It felt good to talk to someone who understood- someone who wouldn't look at me like I was crazy while commencing the awkward silence that always seems to follow.
When I opened her letter and saw your name I cried. It truly was a beautiful surprise. I feel blessed to have such a "bondship" (its more than friendship), but I wish it would have been on different circumstances. Thinking about it, I would never have met that Chick bubbly Arizona woman who loves her pink jacket! ;0)
Thank you for sending her to me sweet Angel. I will always have a hole in my heart where a piece of yours should be, but I am thankful my heart is still beating- because it beats for your and your brothers and sisters. I love you so much.
I love you, i miss you....until I hold again...

Mommy

Missing you...

Its another day come and gone baby girl, and here I am again...not sleeping. You would have been so proud of me; I went two whole weeks without any help.  Now it has been 4 nights in a row; all I do is stare at your picture on the wall- I cant help it. I'm sorry Chloe, but I will be taking something to help me sleep. Its at least herbal, so don't look at mommy too disappointed. I miss you, its obvious- I cant help it. Ive been thinking about death allot lately, I feel its been in my life so much over the last 6 months. The old adage goes "death comes in threes". Your uncle Robbie was killed in a head on collision last November, you were in January and G. Grandma followed a month and a half later in March. Is it strange that I am numb? Is it strange that I looked at your Grandmother's casket  being dropped into the ground and I just stared at it?  I feel like I am "off", like I am crazy for not having all of these super emotions, that I am heartless maybe?
We did our camping trip down to Seward, and what fun we had. Your big brother was like a kid in a candy store, but in this case anything covered in mud was his chocolate. I did enjoy the time- I needed it. This time was bitter sweet though... everywhere we went, every experience we had, and every time your brother looked at me with the big blue eyes.. there you were; right beside him giving me the same big eyed look of wonder to what you were showing me in that moment. Its really silly Chloe, I took your brother shopping for boots and picked him up some extra tuffs... where are the pink ones? What in the world is my Chloe going to wear fishing?  I find I have to snap myself out of this very often. My alternate universe where you are here with us and everything is ok. Where you are the shadow of your brother and you two are inseparable. This is what I wished for with  your life, for both of you. 
I must tell you Chloe, that today your dad and I were angry. All it took was a simple shopping trip to Walmart to nearly sent us off the edge. As we approached the entrance to walmart your daddy and I nearly walked through at the same time with a couple. That couple seemed to have that glow- the one where he is holding her as they enter the door and her belly is out to no end. All of that glow was dimmed by the cigarette she put out as she went through the door. My blood boiled! How can this be? I work out, I eat right, I take care of myself, I do not smoke, rarely drink and you are telling me this woman is worthy to carry the life she is so blatantly poisoning her child while I stand here practically in tears because I was denied mine? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All I know now about life, is that it is not fair. Grief is not prejudice, it is certainly not kind, and now I feel as if it is mocking me. I just wish you were here.
But don't worry baby girl, no matter how bad the storm gets; the world shall know of you, your story and how much I love you.  I don't mean to bother you with such things, I only wish to see you one more time.
...I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again......Mommy

Heavy Heart

My dear sweet Chloe, it's been a rough week with out you. I seem to cry over every little stupid thing. My mess of curls in the morning, the fact that the same mess I said I would clean for the last 3 days is still there. Dishes seem to send me into a water works tizzy. I know that this is not just you, it's been a myriad of things this week. We laid your great great grandmother to rest yesterday. It was my first gravesite burial. Though you were not laid into the ground the feeling seemed all to familiar and all too soon. I looked at your brother and it broke my heart to know that in such a short life he had experienced such an intimate connection with death in a matter of 4 months. It hurts baby girl, the sting of the first wound is still as fresh as it was four and a half months ago, you should have been 8 weeks old Monday. Every pink laden stroller, every blue eyed child, ever time I hear your name the sting gets that much more worse. I'm reminded everyday why I will do what I can in your name. To give myself the right to be in my skin. If this means that I stand in a stadium and yell at the top of my lungs and no words come out while I scream amongst deaf ears then so be it. Sometimes that is what I feel like when I am fighting this CMV. I pray that something will help some mother, or some child somewhere. I need to do this- to feel like your mother. What can I say sweet girl, you have a way with me. This all for now sweet one, I just had to let you know I wasn't far. I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.....
Mommy

Hey baby girl,
I have a quick moment and I wanted to say I love you. Its been a busy week and it has felt that time has slipped right through my fingers yet again. It is your daddy's and I 's 5 year anniversary, and it has been really special, but it would have been complete if you were here with us. I know that cant happen, but it would be nice.
If you were here there wouldn't be a night out to dinner, but that's OK. I don't think we would have gotten much alone time at all, and we would be completely content because we would have you. I am trying not to dwell knowing that at our 5 year "milestone" anniversary I am still sad. I have more ideas and opportunities coming in. I will be doing the MISS foundation "Honor Thores" where I will be running 100 miles in your honor to raise money to support the foundation. It has been such a great place, and I have met wonderful people like Allison there. I just want to volunteer for whatever I can, because I love you.
I will tell you more about my ideas tomorrow baby girl, I must get going, but I just wanted to tell you I miss you, I love you, until I hold you again....

Mommy

Miss you...

Dear Angel,
Im sorry its been a couple of days since I have talked to you. I mean, I know I talk to you everyday, but I havent talked to you while sharing you to the rest of the world.  Your daddy is being sweet as always and putting your brother to bed so I can have some quiet time with you.  I cherish and treasure these moments, I know I am just looking at this computer screen, but it helps. I feel as if you would magically start typing back. I wish you could.
You have been busy my sweet girl. Your wings are spreading slowly but surely and we are working hard to get your message out, to spread the word about CMV. Your daddy's best friends from Colorado have graciously made sweet little girl garlands and have proudly named them Angel Chloe Garlands. My heart is soaring right now to think  that this weekend there will be people, strangers even in Colorado that will know your name. They will know you are someone's daughter, and they will probably hear the three letter CMV for the first time. Wow, it feels good. Your Daddy's dear friends and now mine for that matter; are such wonderful people. Michaela and Veronica would be your aunties, and they love you and have never even set eyes on you. They are being sweet enought to send me my favorite Angel Chloe Garland- laced pink daisy's, only the best for my baby girl and of course in your signature color ;0)
I hope I make you proud baby girl. Not the proud you say when you are told "I know you did all you could". I am talking about the kind of proud that leaves no doubt in your mind, the kind where when I get to hold you again you will grow and say "that is MY mommuy". Your Daddy has been such a big help. He is so supportive and understanding and lets me do my ranting without complaint.  He needs this too- we all do; even your brothers and sisters.  Every where I go there are nothing but little girls around. The adorable girls in their summer dresses. The kinds of bright summer clothes with pinks and purples. The kind of clothes that are still hanging in my closet next to mommy's dresses. I told your father when I bought them I didnt care if it was winter- you were going to light up a room. You still do Chloe- even in death.
I am having a good day Chloe, this has been a posative session with you. I just wanted you to know there is no way I have forgotten about you and I wont wait so long to talk to you again.
Well baby girl, I must go...
I love you, I miss you, until I get to hold you again my Angel......

Puzzel Pieces....

Dear Chloe,
My mind is like a puzzel today sweet girl. I dont really know where to start other than you again are on my mind. After 4 days of trying to sread your message I wonder how far it will get. It is so simple now, to share information by a simple click of a button. It is almost like I am getting spit at, right in my face. So after everything we have gone through, everything this family had to endure as well as losing you in the end. If some body, a doctor, anybody really would have just said- "wash your hands". Wow, I feel like a jack ass.
I am hitting that "share" button so much I dont know what to do with myself. How simple, how easy, how f-ing unbelievable that I had never heard of this virus. I realize after hours upon countless hours of research that this work is never ending. I intend to change some things though. There should and eventually there will be standardized screening for this virus. There are a myraid of other blood tests that are done during the early stages of pregnancy, why not? True there curretnly is no vaccine, but knowledge is power- the power of prevention, the power of planning, and the power of making sure there is time for something to be done.  If only I had known months before Chloe, your story might have turned out differently. The medicine we tried and the different methods of trying them eventually did make a difference. It was just to late to make a difference for your life.
June is upon us baby girl, and that makes it CMV awareness month. Funny but before you I would never have known that. Not anymore my love- and if I have anything to say about it, everyone else within ear shot of me will know it too.
My sweet Chloe I love you, I miss you; until I hold you again......

Mommy

Another Day

Its another day Chloe, not good not bad- just another day.
I am on the verge of complete exhaustion, the weird thing is I am not exactly sure how. Besides the usual sleep deprivation, its another day in my "norm".  Your facebook page was launched a couple of days ago. I am happy so far, we have 40 *likes* :0).  There are so many ideas running through my mind I just hope there are those who are willing to help, to give up their free time to a cause not of their own. For right now I know I must be patient, good things will come when the time is ready.  I just feel there is so much good to do in your name; plus patience has never been my virtue. 
Your brother is behind me making car sounds, he is funny. I imagined when I found out I was pregnant with you how you would both be sitting in the bathtub together playing. I would of course be taking the usual adorable naked baby photos of you two together. So many plans Chloe, camping, fishing, snowboarding, traveling. All those things play over and over in my mind like they are real, but they will never happen. I will never hear you call for me.. reach out to hug me..nor will I be there to coddle you when you fall off your bike and scrape your knee.  So many things I should be doing as your mother- I do not think its fair.
I am content in some things sweet girl, don't get me wrong. I have to find the blessings in this life. Ayden keeps me busy and your Nicolas, Alina, and Bella are growing into beautiful children. They adore you and they have never laid eyes on you, only your pictures. That's how pure and unconditional the love we hold as a family together. Well my love, I will pray for you, our mission and in turn I hope we make a difference. We have to- life is too short, too precious to not at least try. Its sad to think that if you hadn't died, would I still feel this passionate and selfless?  I don't think so, but I guess that's just another way you bring out the best in me, especially during the worst of times.
Sweet Chloe, I love you, I miss you; until I hold you again........

Mommy