Its another day come and gone baby girl, and here I am again...not sleeping. You would have been so proud of me; I went two whole weeks without any help. Now it has been 4 nights in a row; all I do is stare at your picture on the wall- I cant help it. I'm sorry Chloe, but I will be taking something to help me sleep. Its at least herbal, so don't look at mommy too disappointed. I miss you, its obvious- I cant help it. Ive been thinking about death allot lately, I feel its been in my life so much over the last 6 months. The old adage goes "death comes in threes". Your uncle Robbie was killed in a head on collision last November, you were in January and G. Grandma followed a month and a half later in March. Is it strange that I am numb? Is it strange that I looked at your Grandmother's casket being dropped into the ground and I just stared at it? I feel like I am "off", like I am crazy for not having all of these super emotions, that I am heartless maybe?
We did our camping trip down to Seward, and what fun we had. Your big brother was like a kid in a candy store, but in this case anything covered in mud was his chocolate. I did enjoy the time- I needed it. This time was bitter sweet though... everywhere we went, every experience we had, and every time your brother looked at me with the big blue eyes.. there you were; right beside him giving me the same big eyed look of wonder to what you were showing me in that moment. Its really silly Chloe, I took your brother shopping for boots and picked him up some extra tuffs... where are the pink ones? What in the world is my Chloe going to wear fishing? I find I have to snap myself out of this very often. My alternate universe where you are here with us and everything is ok. Where you are the shadow of your brother and you two are inseparable. This is what I wished for with your life, for both of you.
I must tell you Chloe, that today your dad and I were angry. All it took was a simple shopping trip to Walmart to nearly sent us off the edge. As we approached the entrance to walmart your daddy and I nearly walked through at the same time with a couple. That couple seemed to have that glow- the one where he is holding her as they enter the door and her belly is out to no end. All of that glow was dimmed by the cigarette she put out as she went through the door. My blood boiled! How can this be? I work out, I eat right, I take care of myself, I do not smoke, rarely drink and you are telling me this woman is worthy to carry the life she is so blatantly poisoning her child while I stand here practically in tears because I was denied mine? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All I know now about life, is that it is not fair. Grief is not prejudice, it is certainly not kind, and now I feel as if it is mocking me. I just wish you were here.
But don't worry baby girl, no matter how bad the storm gets; the world shall know of you, your story and how much I love you. I don't mean to bother you with such things, I only wish to see you one more time.
...I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again......Mommy
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