Hello Angel,
I wish there were other things to talk about tonight, but I just wanted to get things off my chest. You are so good at listening, I feel like you are the only one who will understand. A man walked into a movie theater and killed 12 people and injured over 50 in Colorado near where your daddy's family lives. As of now there appears to be no motive. Its so sad sweet girl. It breaks my heart to know that there are other mother's out there right now screamig, crying, and numbing to the fact that thier child as gone. It seems like yesterday I was planning your funeral, crying over every minut detail not being perfect. I recall so vividly how I lost weeks of sleep tring to find you the perfect urn. Everything your daddy and I picked out was either sold out or did not ship up to Alaska. I remember the feeling of hopelessness, the feeling of utter emptiness as the night would come and wishing that daylight would never show up. Its a dark place baby girl, but I cannot lie and say that I have not been there. I truly believe that the only reason I can face the dawn is because of you and your brothers and sisters. I couldnt imagine taking my own life, yet some lunatic walks into a movie theater and freely takes the life of people he has never known.
I have cried allot the last couple of days. I cant help myself when it is so overwhelming that even biting the inside of my lip like I always do to hold back my grief to the point of bleeding is not keeping me from exploding with emotion.
Your daddy and I received our invitation for the annual Anchorage Walk to Remember. I heard about this day before I left the hospital, before you even left my sight I already knew. How strange it was to be holding your lifeless body and being told that I can walk in your memory every year. When I checked the mail that day I instantly knew what the envolope was that carried the bereavement leaf on the front of it. It was from the hospital, and inside was a note to remeber "your loss". I cried, in the middle of the street I cried. Children were riding bikes, playing, not a care in the world. I was jealous, how silly, but true. That should be you riding a bike, that should be you with marshmellow gew on your face and that especially should be us playing in the yard as a family. To think that some idiot bastard caused this pain to families who otherwise would have lived on to life long and prosperous. This is bullshit. I wish I could hug those strangers, to cry with them, to let them know that they are not alone. I know this is what they will feel like, it is hard to explain but there is no other feeling as lonely as losing a child. I will tell you that I love you, that you are the light in my life. I can honestly say now that you were to pure for this earth, to be around this sickness, this disease of lunatics and crazy stupid people that make me want to pack up my family to the woods and live in solitude. I wish you were here, but I find little things to be thankful for like the fact that you will never know pain like this. You are still pure and will forever be, even when I see you again.
Well baby girl, I must sign off. I must put my anger aside to love you. I am so sorry that I cant be with you right now. I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again....
Mommy
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Monday, July 16, 2012
Cookies and Jet Engines....
Hello sweet girl,
I know its been a little while, you wouldn't believe how busy mommy has been. You will be making your grand appearance at the Air Show on base next weekend. I couldn't be more thrilled to share you with anyone and everyone. Its been a hard week.I have teared up allot, cried, and hated the world yet again. There is this lingering of pain waiting to burst. I know its coming, and I know why it's there. On the 25th, it will be your 6 month "Angelversary". 6 months, I cannot even to begin to tell you how much I miss you, how far away you feel. Its been 6 months since I held you in my arms. It just fucking sucks. That's all I can say. It wont get any better, it will only add up. More time will go by, more pain will surface. All it will encompass if the time I lived without you in my life, my arms, in my home. Its all yours, your life, your arms, your home. So why are you not here? To push through it baby girl, I have done many things with your name on it. For the air show I ordered t- shirts. Black with purple writing. To keep your touch on everything I made sure your tiny hand print is on them. Its about you anyway, so you will be on it all. I also had awareness bracelets made, green and blue for the colors of CMV, but I had the writing done in purple- your name on it of course. This work has helped a little. It has made me more driven to do your message, to keep you close. To find a way to still be your mom, even though the simple things like dressing you in the morning will not happen. Your big brother keeps me especially busy. He is funny, I picture you two would have been one in the same. He has developed a very profound attitude. "No", seems to be bulk of his vocabulary and he now has learned to scream at me when I do something he doesn't like. He is so spirited, so alive. That's how you will be. I know it- you had your mother written all over you. I long to hear your shrills of excitment and your cries of frustration so I can come and hold you, to make it all better.
On your Angelversary, your daddy and I will be gone on a trip to the middle of nowhere Alaska. It just happened to fall on that day, maybe it was always supposed to fall on that day. I wont be doing anything to celebrate that day, but I will be doing something to celebrate you. Your CMV awareness booth at the air show is going to be great. I know you will send people my way. I have got people I work with baking and donating yummies that I will wrap and place your card on it. Auntie Samie will do face painting for all the little Angels that walk by. I am just hoping to reach as many people as I can, I love you. Well sweet girl, that is enough for now. I know as the time gets closer I will have so much to tell you. For now all I can say is that I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.....
I know its been a little while, you wouldn't believe how busy mommy has been. You will be making your grand appearance at the Air Show on base next weekend. I couldn't be more thrilled to share you with anyone and everyone. Its been a hard week.I have teared up allot, cried, and hated the world yet again. There is this lingering of pain waiting to burst. I know its coming, and I know why it's there. On the 25th, it will be your 6 month "Angelversary". 6 months, I cannot even to begin to tell you how much I miss you, how far away you feel. Its been 6 months since I held you in my arms. It just fucking sucks. That's all I can say. It wont get any better, it will only add up. More time will go by, more pain will surface. All it will encompass if the time I lived without you in my life, my arms, in my home. Its all yours, your life, your arms, your home. So why are you not here? To push through it baby girl, I have done many things with your name on it. For the air show I ordered t- shirts. Black with purple writing. To keep your touch on everything I made sure your tiny hand print is on them. Its about you anyway, so you will be on it all. I also had awareness bracelets made, green and blue for the colors of CMV, but I had the writing done in purple- your name on it of course. This work has helped a little. It has made me more driven to do your message, to keep you close. To find a way to still be your mom, even though the simple things like dressing you in the morning will not happen. Your big brother keeps me especially busy. He is funny, I picture you two would have been one in the same. He has developed a very profound attitude. "No", seems to be bulk of his vocabulary and he now has learned to scream at me when I do something he doesn't like. He is so spirited, so alive. That's how you will be. I know it- you had your mother written all over you. I long to hear your shrills of excitment and your cries of frustration so I can come and hold you, to make it all better.
On your Angelversary, your daddy and I will be gone on a trip to the middle of nowhere Alaska. It just happened to fall on that day, maybe it was always supposed to fall on that day. I wont be doing anything to celebrate that day, but I will be doing something to celebrate you. Your CMV awareness booth at the air show is going to be great. I know you will send people my way. I have got people I work with baking and donating yummies that I will wrap and place your card on it. Auntie Samie will do face painting for all the little Angels that walk by. I am just hoping to reach as many people as I can, I love you. Well sweet girl, that is enough for now. I know as the time gets closer I will have so much to tell you. For now all I can say is that I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.....
Monday, July 2, 2012
Angry...
Hello sweet angel,
Its been one of those days baby girl. Im angry, I cant stand myself today. It wasnt a good day to be angry because it is your dad's birthday, but sometimes I just cant help myself.
Work was ok, nothing spectacular, then the day progressed. I had planned to make your daddy dinner. I went shopping for cards but everything good was gone so i had to settle. On the way home I checked the mail- it was odd that there were two envelopes, one from the Alaska native Hospital where most of our treatment was done and another from the VA.. I opened the hospital envelope and was shocked, upset and just fuckin pissed. How the hell do I owe 933.00 dollars for treatment almost 6 months ago that I shouldnt even get a bill for to begin with because I am in the military and a dependent!! So I opened the VA letter, and much to my upsetting suprise was a letter. The first sentence was "we are sorry for your loss". Ok, but as I went on it was to suggest options and resources on how to spend your life insurance money. Great assholes, it was only 6 months ago, and that is great and dandy, but the money was invested to the custody battle to pay the damn lawyer to protect your brother and sisters who were getting abused and neglected!!! 6 months ago!! I cried sweet angel, I just went into the garage and cried, hard. I have not done that in a while and I think I needed it.
Maybe there shoud be a sesitivity class for people like me, the people that look at others and the stupid shit that happens and my filter is completly gone. Im frustrated because the first thing I will do tomorrow is call that stupid hospital that didnt save you and ask them why I need to pay them any money when they dont deserve it and to top it off my medical is fully covered by the military. I guess its just the principal of it all. After all this time, it still hurts so bad. I guess it hasnt been that much time, not even 6 months... but it also feels like an eternity at the same time.
Im sorry sweet girl, im just angry.... you should be here, I should be holding you, I shouldnt be getting stupid mail, and this blog shouldnt exist. Either way I need you Chloe. every part of you even if it is only in my imagination.
I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again....
Mommy
Its been one of those days baby girl. Im angry, I cant stand myself today. It wasnt a good day to be angry because it is your dad's birthday, but sometimes I just cant help myself.
Work was ok, nothing spectacular, then the day progressed. I had planned to make your daddy dinner. I went shopping for cards but everything good was gone so i had to settle. On the way home I checked the mail- it was odd that there were two envelopes, one from the Alaska native Hospital where most of our treatment was done and another from the VA.. I opened the hospital envelope and was shocked, upset and just fuckin pissed. How the hell do I owe 933.00 dollars for treatment almost 6 months ago that I shouldnt even get a bill for to begin with because I am in the military and a dependent!! So I opened the VA letter, and much to my upsetting suprise was a letter. The first sentence was "we are sorry for your loss". Ok, but as I went on it was to suggest options and resources on how to spend your life insurance money. Great assholes, it was only 6 months ago, and that is great and dandy, but the money was invested to the custody battle to pay the damn lawyer to protect your brother and sisters who were getting abused and neglected!!! 6 months ago!! I cried sweet angel, I just went into the garage and cried, hard. I have not done that in a while and I think I needed it.
Maybe there shoud be a sesitivity class for people like me, the people that look at others and the stupid shit that happens and my filter is completly gone. Im frustrated because the first thing I will do tomorrow is call that stupid hospital that didnt save you and ask them why I need to pay them any money when they dont deserve it and to top it off my medical is fully covered by the military. I guess its just the principal of it all. After all this time, it still hurts so bad. I guess it hasnt been that much time, not even 6 months... but it also feels like an eternity at the same time.
Im sorry sweet girl, im just angry.... you should be here, I should be holding you, I shouldnt be getting stupid mail, and this blog shouldnt exist. Either way I need you Chloe. every part of you even if it is only in my imagination.
I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again....
Mommy
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