Silent Night

Chloe,
Christmas has come and gone. I thought I would be doing allot worse, but I think it is all masked by the numbness. The house is quiet-too quiet. The only children in the house is your brother Ayden. The other children are gone this christmas break. I hate how quiet the house is, like it echoes with every breathe I take. I dont know how to feel, what to feel, what to do, or how to do it. I just wander through the days keeping myself overwhelmingly busy, so at least maybe I can keep the emptiness from taking over. Your first christmas has come and gone. I wish I could have seen your eyes light up with the twinkel of all the christmas lights. I hung a stocking for you, nothing fancy, but it has a "C" embroidered on red velvet. On the christmas tree I hung a ornament of pink baby shoes that say in that cliche way- "babies first chirstmas". I tried to include you as much as I could, but at the end of the day when I head to bed, your still gone, your still dead, you will never know what christmas is. Christmas is signifigant not just because of the holiday, but becuase in 30 days exactly it will be your birthday, or death day, or whatever day it is. It is pretty much the day I died. I am not looking foward to the next couple of months. What a crock of shit this has turned out for us. Your daddy makes holidays so special though. He can cook up the best food, the house  always smells like heaven while he is in the kitchen. I cleaned house most of the day to bet ready for company. It was a nice small gathering of your grandpa and aunt Samie and your cousin Damien. It's hard to look at the christmas tree and wonder why I even put it up at all. I know your brothers and sisters love it, but now I know that a tree is not important. The fragile short time with my children is what is important. I will put on my brave face and I will  make everything as memorable as I can for them, but it kills me. I'm still dying a little more everyday. I dont know when it started hitting me. I started the day off well, so I thought, but I feel it again, or should I say I feel nothing again. The numbness, the emptiness, I didnt even realize I was hurting until the end of the night. The end where I had used all my energy up holding back the tears, missing you, and keeping my smile on my face that I was exhausted by the end of the night. Is every christmas going to feel this way? Will I always feel as empty as your stocking hanging on the wall. I could be sitting around our tree with all of your brothers and sisters, your auties, cousins, grandpa opening all the presents and it will still feel like there is something missing. The void in the room is there, but nobody talks about it.
I know this next month will be hard, probably the hardest month yet. Does it ever get any easier baby girl? When will I be able to feel something other than pain, anger, sometimes even hate. But through all of the agony, how can I feel the most profound love for you? I get so confused, so frustrated. Your daddy knew something was wrong last night, I know I dont have to tell him, but he so sweet and asks anyway. "I miss her too baby",  I know he does. I know he misses you so much.
Well baby girl, I will end this one short tonight. There is not enough slamming on this keyboard I could possibly do to make this pain any less real than it already is. Can we meet up in my dreams tonight? I have a present for you, I only wish I could give it to you the way I should be able to.
I love you Angel, more than you will ever comprehend. Thank you for the snow on christmas baby.
Until I hold you again,

Mommy

Let it snow....and CMV can suck it!

Chloe,
I have battled back and forth with what I have wanted to say to you. I am all over the place. I was hoping I would handle this holiday crap better, but I am not. I feel like the grinch and all I want to do is hide in bed and wait for it all to be over. Soon the 25th of December will come and exactly a month later on 25 January it will be your birthday or deathday. How do you say that in one word?  You would be 1, the most important birthday of all. How will I spend that day? Oh I dont know, I might just scream at every person I walk by about how thier life is better than mine. How they have children to spend this time with. I know, it sounds stupid. I am spinning out of control, I can feel it. My entire body is hurting everywhere but my mind is numb, it's like I have tuned the world out. This was how it was a year ago. The beginning of the end as I refer to it. Your Angels were hard at work again doing some awarenss and fund raising at the hospital craft bizzaar. It is so weird to me that I get so excited about these events and I enjoy them while I am there, but for days afterwards I am emotionally and physically uncontrollable. Since then it seems that I have been on a downward spiral to another dark time. Afterall, around here I may see the sun for 4-5 hours, why not live in the dark? I can become a hermit and never leave the house. I could wear my pj's all day long and not give a rats ass. What a great idea huh? No, I know it's not, but it is really the only thing I want to do. I have been feeling sick, I have stomach pains, Im weak and fatigued, and I know it's because your gone. My nights are becoming more restless and I wish this would all pass. I walk around work with dizzy spells and I know I am not hiding this well at all. How could I? My precious baby is gone. I feel more hopeless and sad that I have in a while. The feelings are always there, but now it feels like I am getting ready to go to the hospital again, to meet you, kiss your little face. Your cold, life-less face. I wonder every second of everyday what you would be doing right now. Smiling? running around? playing dress up? Your mommy has never been good at the girly thing, but for you I would have bought you the entire Barbie collection and I would have played with you for hours. Whatever you wanted babygirl, I would be at your becon call. I just wish I knew where you were, this isnt how it's supposed to be. Im your mother, I should know where you are at all times, but to not even have the choice- it kills me everyday.
The mystery of life after death is killing me. Are you somewhere warm? Is it dark? Can you feel anything? Are you alone? Do you know who I am, and if you saw me again would you run to me? So many unanswered questions, it's such a jacked up way to live.
I want nothing more than to leave this place behind and live somewhere else. I know this will not fix everything, but maybe it would be enought to get me out of this funk. No matter where I go that fucking virus CMV will follow. There is not enough funk in this world that could keep me from getting the word out about this horrible virus. Children suffer, babies dies and parents are left to make sense of it all. This is absolutly unsat! Maybe if we get transferred to ever state and country with an Air Force base before me and Daddy retire maybe I will be able to get the world out there enought that the medical community will listen. I am so tired of meeting people in medicine, healing people, and saving lives that have no fucking clue what CMV is. If I hear that CMV is "not a currently not a threat" I will kick someone in the face hole. Hey Doc, I have a great idea-let's wait to do something until the virus has complely consumed everything and then maybe we should give a shit. I call it the "after the fact approach" or let's just call it what it is- fucking lazy ass ignorance. I have been trying to set up a gift wrapping fund raiser, but time is running out and your brothers and sisters have performances here, activities there, and homework out the ears I have to remember where the priorities lie, but if I can squeeze it in, you know I will.
Well baby, it's time for me to go. Much to do and headed off to start my second job! (laundry ;0)
I love you, I miss you, until I see you again.

Mommy