Rabbit Hole....

It's like looking up Chloe, and seeing nothing but darkness. The nights are always there and the days never come. That's how bad I have felt the last couple of weeks sweet girl. It's only been the last few days that I feel like I might actually be climbing out of the rabbit hole and into the light. Whether that is the light of day; I'm not sure yet. Everyday I think about the same things. I wonder what you are doing, I wonder who is there with you- maybe g.g. grandma is there looking after you until I can come be with you. I wonder even more now what you would be like? look like? would your hair have turned blond to brown? I can imagine that you would be the miniature image of you big brother Ayden. The memories I have developed over the past 7 months has you two playing, bathing, and eating together.
As he grows and grows and all his little baby clothes are of no use to him it hurts my heart. My baby boy is become a preschooler, soon diapers will be gone, independence will take hold, and he will not have much use for me anymore. But there was supposed to be you there. To keep me in that priceless age of a child; the innocence of simple bubbles bringing you into a laughing tizzy.  The simple pleasures in life that make a young child smile for no reason.  I need that right now, I think my inner child is leaving. I just pray that it is not replaced by a bitter old woman. My 30th birthday approaches in 20 days, I keep trying to forget. It really doesn't mean much to me at this point. You would be almost 8 months at that point, it scares me how fast time goes by. I feel so behind in my grief like I will forever be floating in this dreaded world of pain and loss.  God I miss you. The thought of you not being here and the reality that I am to walk this world alone without you kills me. Its the worst thing to have a child die, to bury you child, to find ways to live tolerably in this life. But to never know why, and to know that there will never be an answer for that stupid ass 3 letter word is even more unbearable. You know how hard it is for me sweetie, you know I blame myself for you, that I couldn't protect you, and what this whole family has had to go through.
Your daddy and I were watching a movie last night and it had these two young brothers running on the beach playing the surf. Without so much as another breathe I started balling on the couch like a baby. It was like I was watching you and Ayden playing together like that, living in those beautiful moments that make childhood so great. These memories that I have made up in my mind that will never come true.  Your daddy keeps talking about baby number 3. I have to admit baby girl that it petrifies me. To go through it all again with such high hopes, only to lose another, and to have it be all my fault again. When I think about it I sometimes feel guilty, like I would be betraying you as my daughter by having another child. No other child could replace you, but would you know that? Would you understand that mommy and daddy love you just as much as all of your brothers and sisters?  I know this may sound childish, but I cant help but think about how you are feeling, what would you think if I were holding another baby in my arms rocking , kissing, and singing lullabies to?  I'm still very much in a place where I cannot make this decision. I think it might be years before I can even think it as a possibility.
Until then I will keep working on your cause, spreading you glow around, and protecting other mothers and babies from this horrible life. I will never know a life without this pain, that life is gone now. But its you that gives me the strength to protect others. I am excited to have a CMV meeting with our Karen. She is going to be such a big help and such a inspiration to keep doing good and to keep fighting the fight. I hope one day when I get to hold you again, you can be proud to say that I am your mommy. There isn't a day that goes by that you are not mentioned to someone. I do not have 4 kids, I have 5- make no mistake just because she is not here on my hip that she is not here in my heart. I love you baby girl, you know I miss you, I wish I could have done better. 
Well my lovely angel, I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.....

Mommy

Ice cream....

Hello Angel,
It's that time again- the time where I have built up so much emotion over a short amount of time that I have to get it out to you. I just have to get it out. Your Daddy is funny, he always asks why I cant talk to him like I can pound on this keyboard so easily. I never really thought about it until now. I guess its because I feel I need to tell you these things, even the dark and clouded feelings of death. I have to because I have to justify why I didn't protect you, why I couldn't save you, why you are gone now. I have hit the ultimate low these past couple of weeks. I didn't realize it until now, but I haven't dealt with your death. I'm not really sure what that exactly means. Acceptance is out of the question! If I ever heard that I could potential pull a gun on that person. How can I "accept" that my daughter is gone? How can I just accept that this is my life now? This is it, and there is no changing it. The only thing that has changed is me. I keep getting told I need to "work through this", OK great, but what exactly does "work through this mean"? Is it like an exercise that I repeat over and over again? Is it something where I can just eat a bowl of ice cream and it will all just go away. Working through this is the most unbearable , frustrating, painful, lonely, and dark I have ever felt in my life. To add the cherry on top of my ice cream, your still not here, your room is still empty (even with furniture in it), and my heart is still bleeding.  The shock has worn off and the reality of grief has set in. How strange, you left me over 6 months ago. Why now?  I am taken back by emotions I felt in the hospital room, the pain, the frigid cold, the hallow words of people I didn't know. There were loving words my Chloe, but nothing could take your lifeless body and make it warm. There were no words at all, I have just stopped talking all together.
I feel like you left yesterday, maybe hours ago, even minuets ago. That's how raw all the emotions I feel are. Over the past 6 months my goal was to wake up and be able to smile, I did that and I think I did it too well. I was avoiding this..... and now here it is- like it or not. Now my goal is to have more good days then bad days. I get shaken easy, the thought that everything I love will eventually die plays in my mind like a carousel. All good things eventually will come to and end, but why did you come to and end? You didn't even have a beginning. You were a book and all I could put on the cover was your name. I thumb through pages and pages of blank canvas. I don't know how to "deal with this" baby girl. It just doesn't make sense, and when I stop trying to make sense of it, then I get angry. I know I must face this, that I must find ways to cope with my new life....I don't like it. I do what I can by thinking that you are worthy of every emotion I am feeling and the ones that are still yet to come. Tomorrow is your walk to remember at the hospital, the same one you were born at. I will deliver the baby blankets to the same place you were born, and walk by the room I gave birth to you in. That in itself is extremely emotional. Your brothers and sisters will be walking tomorrow. We will all have our Chloe T-shirts on, I am hoping many will ask "What is CMV"? There is so much I have going on with your work, I am trying not to do too much at once, but it is hard when it is all I can do to feel like your mother. Normally I would care for you 24/7, I feel like I have so much time to make up for. You will be featured at a benefit dinner in Ohio next month. I am very excited that there will be so many eyes reading about you. I wish I had a story to write about how you are sitting up, rolling over, crawling, taking your first steps, graduating high school, getting married, having babies... I could go on forever. But it is not to be, I will not see you through those milestones. Everything happened in the wrong order, you should have buried me, not the other way around. I will continue to write for you, to love you, be your mother. Each milestone brings a sadness now. Your birthday approaches soon, my birthday next month. I don't care about mine, it was the day I found out I was pregnant with you. My 30th birthday can fuck off. I'm OK with that. I love you so much, more and more everyday, its hard to explain how you can love someone that is gone, that you only know briefly and you never said a word, but it doesn't matter- I just love you.
Well baby doll, its time for me to go, I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.....


Mommy

Our Song

Sweet baby girl,
I know it has only been a week, but it feels like ages since I have talked to you. I will not give you an excuse like "Im too busy" or "I just dont have time". It is so much deeper than a frugal excuse. You probably already know the real reason. That it just still hurts, i should be talking to you every day as I rock you to sleep in what should have been your nursery across the hall from me and your Dad's room. How lonely that room is now. I have chosen a song and everytime I hear it I have to fight back the tears. This song has now become my ring tone. It's the song by The Band Perry called  "If I Die Young".  It is a simple song, but in those words it touches the deepest part of you in me. How I wish I could have layed you in satin and put you to rest in a river. I should have sent you away with a love song, not watched two strangers in suits carry you out of my sight it what appeared to be a gym bag. You were so tiny in that huge bag. I remember everything so vividly in my memory. The man that zipped the bag up had a black suit, tie, blue shirt. The watch he wore on his arm was really large. I remember this because I wanted to rip his arm off as soon as his zipped you up, you were in there, but gone. It was so surreal. No one should say goodbye to thier child that way. A love song would have been much more fitting for you. Instead it was cold, almost seemed silent. If people were talking I dont remember. I was the last to hold you, I placed you in that stupid fucking bag and I hate myself for it. I hate everything about this now, the bag, how frozen it was becase it was left in the hurst at 30 below zero, the hospital, this stupid virus that nobody knows about. Well not for long, I cant stand this shit anymore. You were so precious, you still are precious. I hate myself for watching those two men turn the corner out of the room and carry you away. Why didnt I run after them, why didnt I chase them down and take you back? This has to be a dream, this cannot be real. CMV cannot exist and I should not know this pain.  
Your airshow CMV awareness booth was a success sweet Angel. You raised over 800$ in 2 days.  I have never heard your name so much at one time and the fact that they were complete strangers made it all the better. How sad it was at the same time, I only met one famiy that had been affected by CMV, a young boy named Aiden. How fitting that Ayden is also your big brothers name. Two days your Daddy and I stood out there with your two aunties and Grandma and Grandpa and we only met 3 people who had heard of it. I know I didnt reach everybody, but I was told about 250,000 people were there in attendance. If only I had a microphone, every 500,000 pairs of ears would have heard me scream CMV from the top of my lungs. The week leading up to the air show was busy, stressfull and exhausting. After all was said and done I cried, hard. Probably the hardest I cried since you left my arms. I pulled your keepsakes out; your hand and feet molds, your name card from the hospital, the only clothes you wore for 16 hours. I laid them out and curled up in a ball on the floor and cried. I need to, I felt like it was the only way to get close to you. Images of you passing in my mind and I would cry harder as I remember holding you after you had been cleaned and clothed back in my arms. When you were born I was the first one to hold you; you were still warm, sweet and angelic. After you had been taken I finally had you placed again in my arms to find your lifeless body cold as ice...reality struck yet again.  I was proud of our accomplishments at the air show, but those accomplishments and feeling of pride are always followed close behind by anger and frustration. I shouldnt be at the air show like this, this table shouldnt exist, this virus shouldnt exist, but my daughter should! Why?  This stupid ass question is all I have....why?  There is never an answer. At least not one I want to hear.
I will carry this pain for you baby girl, I have the confusing rationalization that I am glad I can carry this burden for you. My selfish motherly insticts still wish you were here though. In your sweet name baby girl, we will accomplish what we set out to do.
I love you sweet Angel, God knows how much I do, and soon the world will know as well.
I love you, I miss you, unitl I hold you again...

Mommy