Chloe, it's freezing cold outside all the time. I dont think the temprature got above 10 degrees today. While dropping your brothers and sisters off this morning my truck said -6. Really? After 24 years of living in this state you would think I would be used to it. Im not though, not even close. Last winter was a total blur. The kids, fighting for custody, finding out I was pregnant, meeting the bitch CMV for the first time, winning in court, losing you only 10 days later. I really dont remember how cold it was last year. I know that Anchorage broke the record snow fall but I cant remember when it snowed. I cant remember if I shoveled or went sledding or snowboarding. Would it really matter if I did. You will never get to do that. Chloe this sucks, everything is so hard. My body aches and is stiff at the mere sight of looking out the window. All the trees, my truck, the bushes are covered in a thick layer of ice. It has been sunny beyond belief, all the sun we were wanting this last summer finally showed up, only 4 months late!!. I think it is bullshit by the way. I miss my bittersweet ignorant state I used to be in. I went through the first 7 months without you like I could make it through everything. Hello grief, hello pain, hello tears, hello sleepness nights, hello PTSD, hello depression, hello empty, and fuck you CMV. CMV is like the sorry coward bitch that sneaks it's way into your life, sleeps with you once only to leave shortly after without warning, a word, but has taken the liberty of stripping you of everything happy in your life. Taking life itself. This is bullshit. I hate fucking poker, I dont gamble, I havent played a card game in years and these are the cards I am dealt. Sometimes life is the cruel bitch and I wonder if there isnt some underground drug deal between life, carma, and all the sicknesses in the world. The worst part is, there is no answer to WHY?
The holidays approach yet again, the 25th of December, then exactly a month later your Angelversary on 25 January. How the hell am I supposed to do this Angel? I try to have a plan made up in my mind, but it doesnt feel like anything is going to work. I can keep ignoring it like I have been, but that hasnt done me any good in the last 10 months. There is no where to hide, but CMV can set up camp for the rest of my life wherever it wants. I'm sorry this is so angry tonight angel. I just got out of trig class so you can only imagine how fried my brain is. I am toast!!! I feel like taking all of my agression from trig class out on that piece of shit ass CMV.
I could swear I saw you today. Everywhere you were there, in all the blonde haired, blue eyed little girls I saw. Dropping Ayden off at school this morning as I hugged and kissed him goodbye I had to make my way past a sleepy and cuddely little girl. Her name was Chloe. Great way to start my morning, I know. I smiled though. Not the "I am so fucking happy I look like I slept with a hangar in my mouth" smile. But a gentle and hidden smile of how I love to hear your name. I could hear it all day.
I cant stop thinking of what could have been. Your birthday approaches and I am flooded with so many memories (that I of course have made up), but you are certainly walking. Your laugh is so loud and adorable, and your smile can light up the room even when you not physically in it. Where are you? Why are you not here. What the hell am I supposed to do now? I will carry on and love and care for your brothers and sisters, but it breaks my heart that a piece of the puzzle is missing from this family. You are missing from this family. The christmas tree is up, yes the damn tree is up. Why arent you crawling up to the tree ripping all the ornaments off? Why are there not any presents for you under the tree. Where is this life of mine going to? I just dont understand this. I need you here, I need you help me live, we all need you. This house hasn't been the same sent you left. You have never been in this house, but your absence has rocked it all the same. I hate that bedroom across the hall where the guest bedroom furniture take up space. The space where your crib should have been. I hate walking in that room, I hate the furniture in that room, I just hate allot of things I guess. Wow babygirl, this is enough rambling on for tonight. It's late, I cant avoid the enevitanble. I will miss you, I will ache for you, I will not sleep, but through all of that I will love you so.
Goodnight my Angel. I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again...
Mommy
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Friday, November 23, 2012
To give thanks, or not to give thanks.....
Chloe,
I have had a rough couple of days. Not suprising I am sure, but last night I had a longing to hold you again. Instead, I laid in bed drenching your baby blanket with my tears. I miss you. I know you know that. The holidays approach and I find myself in a panic. It's like I do not know how to handle all of this. There is so much to do, so little time. I hate going present shopping, I have to walk down the isles. All the little girl toy sections and everything so cute and wrapped perfectly. It all screams Chloe wants this!!! Sometimes I feel like buying it all up. I could wrap it up and place it under the tree with your name on it, just like if you were here. But your not, you will never be. Everything is coming back to me from last year. It is flooding my brain with memories or nightmares would better describe it. All these memories bring grief to my heart. Last year I was pregnant with you and at this time we knew you were sick. I had undergone the first round of experimental treatment and we were just waiting our time to see if you would be able to bounce back. Two days before thanksgiving (so that would be like- tomorrow!) we discovered that it was not working. After thanksgiving i would go back in again for another round of poking, needles, blood, pills, and tears. It is so hard to give thanks, to be thankful or happy in general. Time is drifting us further and further apart from when I saw you last. I dont like this "time" business. I dont feel myself getting any better. I just feel myself missing you more. I try to keep a smile on my face, especially for your brothers and sisters. It's hard, especially when they complain or talk about all the things they want that they dont have. I have told them to be thankful, to be happy for what they have because you would give anything to be here. To see your first christmas tree, to eat your first turkey, to open your first present and to play in the snow for the first time. I would pull you around in your little sled. You could have seen your first snowfall, the way christmas lights glisten in the frost. All these wonderful things and yet I cannot find one bit of beauty in them right now.
So I started this post a few days ago babygirl. I'm sorry I didnt finish it. My body is trying to tell me something. Eventhough I know that a year ago during this time, I was pregnant with you. My mind knows these dates of importance, but my body can feel them. I have been hurting so much lately, my nights are even more restless just like last year, and my body aches for you. It is all so surreal, like it all happened yesterday. Last Thursday I went somewhere that I never thougth I would go. I went to the hospital where we were diagnosed and met with the sweet old doctor who tried to help us save you. He is a gentle soul, always so generous whenever your daddy and I saw him. The purpose of the trip was to talk some CMV stuff and to get a feel for the Alaska OBGYN network. Luckily our Karen came and was ready to do all the talking. I really didnt think much about going there. I was excited to finally get a call back from a doctor. It wasnt until I was waiting in the lobby of the doctors office staring at the same stupid ass tree that was decorated the same stupid ass way as it was last year. I think on that same day last year I stood in front of that tree, pacing frantically. I felt the panic coming on. It felt exactly the same as last year, only you werent with me. No big belly, no kicking, just heart break. I thought I was handeling every thing pretty well. We finally got called back and I had to keep chasing all the nurses away from me who wanted to get my weight and my vitals. I kept telling them that I was just here for a chat, that I am not pregnant. That actually was really hard to say. We were ushered back and that's when panic almost turned to complete and utter mahem. We were taken into the same exact room where your daddy and I learned that you could not be saved, and to add insult to injury, I was sitting in the same exact chair where I rubbed the truck keys into the side of the chair; the marks still there. I kept telling myself I hope this doesnt take long.. Then a familair face, it was Dr. Gilsen's midwife Bethany. She knew exactly who I was without hesitation she walked over and gave me a big hug. Her embrace sweet and warming, but still oh so painful. We sat and caught up on the last year, how I am doing since you were taken from me. Not so good, as good as I can and I'll servive. You know babygirl, the usual. Nothing was as worse as sitting in that room and hearing the echoes of heartbeats surround every wall of that place. Healthy, strong baby heartbeats, followed by beaming and happy mother's voices. "everything is looking good", "You are coming along well". I sat there selfishly thinking what the hell? Where was mine? All I got was " I dont know" and 'We'll wait and see". I do not blame Dr. Gilsen or Bethany, if it wasnt for them, I'm not sure if we would have ever found out. None of this was supposed to be our path. This was never supposed to happen. Talking with Dr. Gilsen was good, productive. I think Karen and I might have found a support network to start working this CMV stuff.
I couldnt leave that hospital fast enough. The trip back to work was filled with so much emotion. I felt dazed, lost, confused and angry all over again. These emotions feeling so raw. I spent the rest of the day on the verge of tears. Only letting few loose at a time. There seems like there is never enough time to grieve for you, to miss you. It is always non-stop around here and sometimes I ignore the grief. I push it aside until in errupts to the point of disaster. I dont know where Im going with this tonight, all I can say is that I miss you so much. I dont know how Im going to make it through these next few months. I fucking hate you CMV.
That's enough for now babygirl, it hurts too much. I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.
Mommy
I have had a rough couple of days. Not suprising I am sure, but last night I had a longing to hold you again. Instead, I laid in bed drenching your baby blanket with my tears. I miss you. I know you know that. The holidays approach and I find myself in a panic. It's like I do not know how to handle all of this. There is so much to do, so little time. I hate going present shopping, I have to walk down the isles. All the little girl toy sections and everything so cute and wrapped perfectly. It all screams Chloe wants this!!! Sometimes I feel like buying it all up. I could wrap it up and place it under the tree with your name on it, just like if you were here. But your not, you will never be. Everything is coming back to me from last year. It is flooding my brain with memories or nightmares would better describe it. All these memories bring grief to my heart. Last year I was pregnant with you and at this time we knew you were sick. I had undergone the first round of experimental treatment and we were just waiting our time to see if you would be able to bounce back. Two days before thanksgiving (so that would be like- tomorrow!) we discovered that it was not working. After thanksgiving i would go back in again for another round of poking, needles, blood, pills, and tears. It is so hard to give thanks, to be thankful or happy in general. Time is drifting us further and further apart from when I saw you last. I dont like this "time" business. I dont feel myself getting any better. I just feel myself missing you more. I try to keep a smile on my face, especially for your brothers and sisters. It's hard, especially when they complain or talk about all the things they want that they dont have. I have told them to be thankful, to be happy for what they have because you would give anything to be here. To see your first christmas tree, to eat your first turkey, to open your first present and to play in the snow for the first time. I would pull you around in your little sled. You could have seen your first snowfall, the way christmas lights glisten in the frost. All these wonderful things and yet I cannot find one bit of beauty in them right now.
So I started this post a few days ago babygirl. I'm sorry I didnt finish it. My body is trying to tell me something. Eventhough I know that a year ago during this time, I was pregnant with you. My mind knows these dates of importance, but my body can feel them. I have been hurting so much lately, my nights are even more restless just like last year, and my body aches for you. It is all so surreal, like it all happened yesterday. Last Thursday I went somewhere that I never thougth I would go. I went to the hospital where we were diagnosed and met with the sweet old doctor who tried to help us save you. He is a gentle soul, always so generous whenever your daddy and I saw him. The purpose of the trip was to talk some CMV stuff and to get a feel for the Alaska OBGYN network. Luckily our Karen came and was ready to do all the talking. I really didnt think much about going there. I was excited to finally get a call back from a doctor. It wasnt until I was waiting in the lobby of the doctors office staring at the same stupid ass tree that was decorated the same stupid ass way as it was last year. I think on that same day last year I stood in front of that tree, pacing frantically. I felt the panic coming on. It felt exactly the same as last year, only you werent with me. No big belly, no kicking, just heart break. I thought I was handeling every thing pretty well. We finally got called back and I had to keep chasing all the nurses away from me who wanted to get my weight and my vitals. I kept telling them that I was just here for a chat, that I am not pregnant. That actually was really hard to say. We were ushered back and that's when panic almost turned to complete and utter mahem. We were taken into the same exact room where your daddy and I learned that you could not be saved, and to add insult to injury, I was sitting in the same exact chair where I rubbed the truck keys into the side of the chair; the marks still there. I kept telling myself I hope this doesnt take long.. Then a familair face, it was Dr. Gilsen's midwife Bethany. She knew exactly who I was without hesitation she walked over and gave me a big hug. Her embrace sweet and warming, but still oh so painful. We sat and caught up on the last year, how I am doing since you were taken from me. Not so good, as good as I can and I'll servive. You know babygirl, the usual. Nothing was as worse as sitting in that room and hearing the echoes of heartbeats surround every wall of that place. Healthy, strong baby heartbeats, followed by beaming and happy mother's voices. "everything is looking good", "You are coming along well". I sat there selfishly thinking what the hell? Where was mine? All I got was " I dont know" and 'We'll wait and see". I do not blame Dr. Gilsen or Bethany, if it wasnt for them, I'm not sure if we would have ever found out. None of this was supposed to be our path. This was never supposed to happen. Talking with Dr. Gilsen was good, productive. I think Karen and I might have found a support network to start working this CMV stuff.
I couldnt leave that hospital fast enough. The trip back to work was filled with so much emotion. I felt dazed, lost, confused and angry all over again. These emotions feeling so raw. I spent the rest of the day on the verge of tears. Only letting few loose at a time. There seems like there is never enough time to grieve for you, to miss you. It is always non-stop around here and sometimes I ignore the grief. I push it aside until in errupts to the point of disaster. I dont know where Im going with this tonight, all I can say is that I miss you so much. I dont know how Im going to make it through these next few months. I fucking hate you CMV.
That's enough for now babygirl, it hurts too much. I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
If only I could be president!
I have to chuckle at the title of this blog baby girl. Who in thier right mind would vote for me to be president? None of that really matters for the simple fact that it will never happen. If I was though, could you imagine all the good I could do? It would be so easy to do your work and make legislation that required vaccine research on CMV and how everyone in the world would some how be informed about this horrible virus. Hell, I would even mandate that it is part of middle school sex education. I know that job is harder than it looks, but nothing could possibly be as hard as living without your dead child. I would take the long hours, time consuming events and countless signing of papers than to live this life without you.
I am glad the election is over Chloe. I saw a woman who brought her baby to the polls yesterday. She was so small, still in the carrier. That should of been us. I didnt look long, I still cant look at other babies, it hurts too much. I see you in all of them. I have to confess something Angel. Yesterday was the first time I have voted. I am not proud of this fact, but I finally voted for the first time at 30 years old. At first when election time was gearing up, I really didnt care. My child is dead! Why the hell would I vote? Nothing seems to matter, but it hit me yesterday- I had to vote. I had to. Not because I have some politcal agenda, quite frankly I really didnt know which one was the lesser of two evils. I sat in a chair waiting for your sister's counseling appointment. Looking out the window across the street was a sign that said "vote here". That's when it hit, like most things. I have to vote, I just have to!- because you will never get the chance. I didnt just have my voice to speak out for, I had two. You do these thing to me my lovie. You have made me realize my ignorance, my blind existance and that my reality was not reality. Any good that I do, I do because of you. If I never get to vote again, or if I never get to change the world of CMV, then the one thing I will say is that you have changed me no matter what. Life will never be the same, I will never be the same. I cant deny that I have done more good in my life since your death 9 months ago than I ever have in all my life. What a douche bag Ive been. I feel it, I know it in my heart that you would be looking at me telling me to do this. How you would do all the wonderful things in life if only you were breathing. I hate that it took losing you for me to realize that I have missed out on so much. That I have taken things for granted. Afterall, women did not always have the right to vote, and I chose not to. I know baby girl, it's stupid.
Thank you for the glimmer of light you show me in the darkness. This zombie like state I function in is only tolerable because I can see you in everything. There is nothing more I wish than to be with you. I am trying to wait my time, but until then I will just have to live life for you.
This is all for now Angel. I love you, I miss you, Until I hold you again.
Mommy
https://www.facebook.com/Angels4Chloe#!/Angels4Chloe
I am glad the election is over Chloe. I saw a woman who brought her baby to the polls yesterday. She was so small, still in the carrier. That should of been us. I didnt look long, I still cant look at other babies, it hurts too much. I see you in all of them. I have to confess something Angel. Yesterday was the first time I have voted. I am not proud of this fact, but I finally voted for the first time at 30 years old. At first when election time was gearing up, I really didnt care. My child is dead! Why the hell would I vote? Nothing seems to matter, but it hit me yesterday- I had to vote. I had to. Not because I have some politcal agenda, quite frankly I really didnt know which one was the lesser of two evils. I sat in a chair waiting for your sister's counseling appointment. Looking out the window across the street was a sign that said "vote here". That's when it hit, like most things. I have to vote, I just have to!- because you will never get the chance. I didnt just have my voice to speak out for, I had two. You do these thing to me my lovie. You have made me realize my ignorance, my blind existance and that my reality was not reality. Any good that I do, I do because of you. If I never get to vote again, or if I never get to change the world of CMV, then the one thing I will say is that you have changed me no matter what. Life will never be the same, I will never be the same. I cant deny that I have done more good in my life since your death 9 months ago than I ever have in all my life. What a douche bag Ive been. I feel it, I know it in my heart that you would be looking at me telling me to do this. How you would do all the wonderful things in life if only you were breathing. I hate that it took losing you for me to realize that I have missed out on so much. That I have taken things for granted. Afterall, women did not always have the right to vote, and I chose not to. I know baby girl, it's stupid.
Thank you for the glimmer of light you show me in the darkness. This zombie like state I function in is only tolerable because I can see you in everything. There is nothing more I wish than to be with you. I am trying to wait my time, but until then I will just have to live life for you.
This is all for now Angel. I love you, I miss you, Until I hold you again.
Mommy
https://www.facebook.com/Angels4Chloe#!/Angels4Chloe
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