I have had a rough couple of days. Not suprising I am sure, but last night I had a longing to hold you again. Instead, I laid in bed drenching your baby blanket with my tears. I miss you. I know you know that. The holidays approach and I find myself in a panic. It's like I do not know how to handle all of this. There is so much to do, so little time. I hate going present shopping, I have to walk down the isles. All the little girl toy sections and everything so cute and wrapped perfectly. It all screams Chloe wants this!!! Sometimes I feel like buying it all up. I could wrap it up and place it under the tree with your name on it, just like if you were here. But your not, you will never be. Everything is coming back to me from last year. It is flooding my brain with memories or nightmares would better describe it. All these memories bring grief to my heart. Last year I was pregnant with you and at this time we knew you were sick. I had undergone the first round of experimental treatment and we were just waiting our time to see if you would be able to bounce back. Two days before thanksgiving (so that would be like- tomorrow!) we discovered that it was not working. After thanksgiving i would go back in again for another round of poking, needles, blood, pills, and tears. It is so hard to give thanks, to be thankful or happy in general. Time is drifting us further and further apart from when I saw you last. I dont like this "time" business. I dont feel myself getting any better. I just feel myself missing you more. I try to keep a smile on my face, especially for your brothers and sisters. It's hard, especially when they complain or talk about all the things they want that they dont have. I have told them to be thankful, to be happy for what they have because you would give anything to be here. To see your first christmas tree, to eat your first turkey, to open your first present and to play in the snow for the first time. I would pull you around in your little sled. You could have seen your first snowfall, the way christmas lights glisten in the frost. All these wonderful things and yet I cannot find one bit of beauty in them right now.
So I started this post a few days ago babygirl. I'm sorry I didnt finish it. My body is trying to tell me something. Eventhough I know that a year ago during this time, I was pregnant with you. My mind knows these dates of importance, but my body can feel them. I have been hurting so much lately, my nights are even more restless just like last year, and my body aches for you. It is all so surreal, like it all happened yesterday. Last Thursday I went somewhere that I never thougth I would go. I went to the hospital where we were diagnosed and met with the sweet old doctor who tried to help us save you. He is a gentle soul, always so generous whenever your daddy and I saw him. The purpose of the trip was to talk some CMV stuff and to get a feel for the Alaska OBGYN network. Luckily our Karen came and was ready to do all the talking. I really didnt think much about going there. I was excited to finally get a call back from a doctor. It wasnt until I was waiting in the lobby of the doctors office staring at the same stupid ass tree that was decorated the same stupid ass way as it was last year. I think on that same day last year I stood in front of that tree, pacing frantically. I felt the panic coming on. It felt exactly the same as last year, only you werent with me. No big belly, no kicking, just heart break. I thought I was handeling every thing pretty well. We finally got called back and I had to keep chasing all the nurses away from me who wanted to get my weight and my vitals. I kept telling them that I was just here for a chat, that I am not pregnant. That actually was really hard to say. We were ushered back and that's when panic almost turned to complete and utter mahem. We were taken into the same exact room where your daddy and I learned that you could not be saved, and to add insult to injury, I was sitting in the same exact chair where I rubbed the truck keys into the side of the chair; the marks still there. I kept telling myself I hope this doesnt take long.. Then a familair face, it was Dr. Gilsen's midwife Bethany. She knew exactly who I was without hesitation she walked over and gave me a big hug. Her embrace sweet and warming, but still oh so painful. We sat and caught up on the last year, how I am doing since you were taken from me. Not so good, as good as I can and I'll servive. You know babygirl, the usual. Nothing was as worse as sitting in that room and hearing the echoes of heartbeats surround every wall of that place. Healthy, strong baby heartbeats, followed by beaming and happy mother's voices. "everything is looking good", "You are coming along well". I sat there selfishly thinking what the hell? Where was mine? All I got was " I dont know" and 'We'll wait and see". I do not blame Dr. Gilsen or Bethany, if it wasnt for them, I'm not sure if we would have ever found out. None of this was supposed to be our path. This was never supposed to happen. Talking with Dr. Gilsen was good, productive. I think Karen and I might have found a support network to start working this CMV stuff.
I couldnt leave that hospital fast enough. The trip back to work was filled with so much emotion. I felt dazed, lost, confused and angry all over again. These emotions feeling so raw. I spent the rest of the day on the verge of tears. Only letting few loose at a time. There seems like there is never enough time to grieve for you, to miss you. It is always non-stop around here and sometimes I ignore the grief. I push it aside until in errupts to the point of disaster. I dont know where Im going with this tonight, all I can say is that I miss you so much. I dont know how Im going to make it through these next few months. I fucking hate you CMV.
That's enough for now babygirl, it hurts too much. I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.
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