Friday, January 10, 2014

So glad the holidays are over.....

Chloe, is it strange that I am glad the holidays are over? The merriment, the jolly, the general happiness is gone. I miss it, I do, but it doesn't seem right without you here. We spent our time in Colorado with daddy's family, which is always a good time. Your not there though. Your brothers and sisters had a blast running around the farm, feeding the chickens, and chasing the donkeys. You would have had a ball chasing after them.
I haven't been active much with CMV lately, not because I have stopped. School has got me quite busy and I tried to reach out to see if there was anyone in El Paso doing the same thing, but I have not heard back. Pouring myself into school has only been a temporary fix for a deep rooted loneliness. I have gotten worried about how to spend my time after I graduate on the 23rd. I am going to take some additional classes, but the extensive work is pretty much done. I have been pondering what my next goal is going to be. I told you I was going to get my degree before your 2nd birthday. Done, two days before even! I don't know what to do next. We will be moving again in 5 months, daddy and I are looking at buying a house, and I will be working full time again..... Luckily we are moving to the first state that has legislative law about CMV. There are plenty of CMV mommies there that I have already talked to. I will be getting more involved there for sure.
I think if I hear one more "Happy New Year!" I might just have to slap a douche. January is not a month of new beginnings, new life, or new years resolutions. I know I am not the only mother feeling the dread of the new year. It's another year gone by without you and the countdown to your Angelversary. I still cannot believe you died two years ago. Where the fuck does the time go? In some ways it seems like it has been a lifetime, and in other ways its like I saw you die yesterday. I don't like the games time plays on me. I gave fellow mommy Allison a text the other day. She lost her two babies only days after they were born. Her baby boy first on the 8th and her baby girl followed on the 12th. Two gone, I cannot imagine. One is painstakingly hard enough. Give Shelby and Dalton my love and hug them and kiss them. I wish it didn't have to be this way.
We begin moving yet again in about five months. I think my heart is so restless, its like I'm ready to move again. Six months apparently is enough. It's not a bad place here, I just feel like Im moving in slow motion or like I'm living in that movie "Ground Hog Day". Everything repeats itself over and over. The hurt doesn't get better, the pain doesn't go away. Fake smile here, a hug or two there and no matter what, the night and day start the same. I wake up missing you and I go to bed dying because I made it another day without you. Somebody kill me please. I have no idea what to do for your birthday this year. We did random acts of kindness last year, but I always love doing those. I usually like your birthday to be a quite day where I spend time alone, but your death day falls on a weekend this year, so I will have to be extra "happy" so the family will be ok. I will get a little cake for your brothers and sisters, they like to celebrate you and I think it is so sweet. I think I might get some gifts to take to the hospital near the house. I can get a couple different age groups. Maybe one for a girl and one for a boy. I think it would be nice to see children enjoy presents that I wish I could buy for you.
Sorry Angel, I know it has taken me a week to work on this one. This week has been extra difficult and my assignments are not letting up and everything is due by next Friday to finish my degree. I am exhausted! My mind is all over the place. No matter how long I am gone from here, you know that I love you. I can only wait in this life until I can hold you again, but until then I love you, I miss you.


Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Tis the season to be grumpy.....

Here we are again babygirl, the 25th of the month looms near which mean that it has been 22 months since you left my sight. I always feel that day of the month, I wake up and my body just doesn't want to move and my bones ache. Last time I talked to you it was the beginning of birthday season. Two out of four are done and it is sometimes so hard to find happiness when there is you, missing from all the fun, all the pictures, all the gooey cake in the face moments. We went camping for Ayden birthday by a lake, I think you would have been over the moon with. For Nicolas's birthday the boys and your sisters had a paintball party and went out to a course and shot at each other. Some of your brothers classmates came, so everyone had a good time. Your poor big brother Ayden was stuck with me watching, right where you should have been. You two could have played in the sand together and have been all content just being the two of you in the dirt. No big kids allowed right? 
This is the start of the dreaded two month count down. I count down at two months because Christmas becomes a nightmare as well. Really I think the month of October was the last month that I remember anything happy during the pregnancy with you. Blissful, content and fat I wish I could get that time back where I could love my swollen ankles and my fat fingers and I would praise about how we weren't getting any sleep because you were up all night kicking me. All the moments that most probably take for granted, moan and groan and complain about having to go through it. I'll take it on all over again if I could.
School is ever so daunting right now Angel. I am in three classes at once, but its only because two classes are overlapping with my final capstone project for the next few weeks. That's right baby girl, one of my promises to you is being fulfilled. I will have my degree on 23 January, assuming I don't have any issues with the grueling research paper.
Mommy got to bring home her birthday present finally last month. My German Shepard puppy is so handsome and cute. He is so big already! He will grow to be the protector of the family and my outdoor partner in crime. Your brother loves that role as well, but we need a feisty four legged friend to come along as well.
For your Angel day I am trying to think of two random acts of kindness. Since you will be two years old, the occasion calls for two acts. I wish I could take CMV and blow it to fucking smitherines, but since that is not an option right now for me to do on your birthday, I will graciously settle for making your day beautiful for someone else. Any ideas Chloe? 
Mommy has had allot of ups and downs lately. This will be a hard angelversary to overcome. Maybe because it was still so surreal for your first one that I blocked out allot of the emotion. I don't know why but this time it almost feels more profound and empty blackness and endless pit of despair. Those feelings aren't very becoming of a birthday, but its not a birthday, it a angel day or an angelversary. I get to "celebrate" the birth and instant death of my daughter in one instantaneous explosive bomb. It still amazes me that I can wake up some days.
Well baby, it's late and I started this hours ago. I have to step away for a bit and I will talk to you again later.  I love you Chloe, I miss you.


Monday, October 28, 2013

I think Ive gone crazy.....

Hey baby doll,
It's night, the sun is down, and I just got done with a shit tone of homework. Finally a break, a breath, a moment to stop and think of you. Where are you? I still wonder how you are doing. Its that time of night when the sun sinks in the sky with a bright pink/orange hue. I wonder if the light skips across the sky to you- or wherever you are. I still hate that. Where could you have gone? Is this all still just a dream. I miss you so much I cant stand it sometimes. It's like this revolving door and I cant find the fucking way out. Who designed that shit anyway? There is no exit, not door- just windows. Windows where I stare at myself constantly. Man it just sucks.
Ive signed up for my last two classes before my big project next term that will ultimately decide if I get my degree or not. I guess I need a fancy titled class to say that I am smart enough to get a piece of paper for something that I have been doing for thirteen years now. I think I'm good. Call me crazy, but I probably know more than half the jack asses that teach theses classes. It's for you babe. You will never ever get to go to school, so I will for you. I never really cared about all that until you. You make me a better person- even in death. A grumpy, pissy, fucked up person, but a better person because I held you for 15 hours. Weird huh? Who would have thought that those moments, so short in time would change my world.
Is it weird that I feel like I cant function without you? I am hoping and praying that wherever you are, your end of this fucked up deal is not as bad as mine. I consider myself lucky though. To have  you, to have held you, to even have let you go. It is all still so surreal. We are approaching the shitty time of year for me, where birthdays are plentiful, holidays are never ending and oh yes, need I forget your 2nd Angelversary. Fuck fuck fuck! Why why why!! Can someone please just make a record out of me repeating these same fucking words over and over!!! Ugh, can you tell I am not feeling well. Being sick makes grief worse I think. Anything that is out of my routine, my day, my schedule is a recipe for disaster. It seems so loud- I cant think. The house is full of people, but yet so empty. Will this ever just end? I wish you were here, I wish we were having a princess birthday party instead of a Nikki pitty party, my daughter would be 2, but instead a virus called CMV fucking killed her and no one knows about it and no one cares Angelversary day. Since we don't do pink, it would be decked out in purple. Purple and maybe black. We would make it amazing. You would be perfect in your birthday dress and I would be on top of the world snapping photo after photo like a crazy photog mother. Oh how I wish, but no, just another twisted memory I have already made in my mind that will actually happen and we will actually have this birthday and you will have cake all over you. Then the day will come and my reality will sink in and I will hate this world all over. What shall I do for your birthday crazy danger day? I was hoping to jump out of an airplane and do some sky diving, but I don't think there is anything like that around here. I might have to do some research. This year will be two random acts of kindness, and I will be doing it in my best purple. I love you, this is all I know to say yet it is the one thing that doesn't feel like it's enough. Im sorry- will that ever be enough? Can I ever make this up to you?
I love you my Angel. Forever and ever, to the moon and back.


Thursday, October 10, 2013

Its a red lipstick kind of day....

Oh Chloe, here I am! I feel like I need to scream it to you so you know that I am constantly looking for you. It has been so lonely and buys and crazy around her, I just needed a bit to sit and talk with my favorite girl. I have been taking part in a facebook page called "Capture your grief". Turns out I think I have been neglecting my grief for a bit because I am more and more exhausted as the days go on. I have cried everyday for you for the last 2 weeks. There are other reasons, not just the page, but it makes me miss you more. Looking at the pictures of other babies gone too soon and seeing all the other mommies and daddies in pain and emptiness always pulls at the heart strings. It's looking at things like that and talking about it that I realize that I am still very much in my grief infancy.  My birthday has come and gone, always a hard day to "celebrate" since that was the day I found out I was pregnant with you. Can we go back to that day? I like my birthday better then. The feeling of finding out that you were there and we would be starting that journey. I like that particular day because it was just you and me, we had no idea that the journey would turn so tragic. We had never heard of CM-fucking V and we were not spending countless hours at the hospital and countless needles go into my arms. It was a innocent time. A beautiful time. Although short lived, I wish I could visit that moment, I cherish it so. So today was a red lipstick day (actually all week). I hardly have any make-up on but I put red lipstick on- the kind that says I may be a mess, but I'm going to make it look damn good. After that was done, nothing would be complete without putting some glitter on my nails. This life might be kicking my ass, but Ill make it look good for you baby girl. I don't care what commercials say- waterproof mascara doesn't work when your a grieving mom. I should make a brand and I will call it "Chloe's get your ass out of bed mascara" It would have to be made from glue to stay on my face, Ill just cry it off eventually.
Not everything is bad Chloe Angel. Your brothers and sisters are doing really well in school. Your daddy got me a new puppy for my birthday. My runs have gotten pretty intense lately that he felt I needed a running partner since no one else can keep up. You would have- I pictured it before as you grew into a young woman. All the things we could together, running, swimming, hiking. Taking in God's green earth. I never thought you would become part of it, at least not before me. I have learned in my time without you, that life is not fair, it's not just, its not all ponies and champagne. It's just life. I dont like the term "shit happens", but I do see that I am not in control anymore. I dont like this. I have the hardest time and I have yet to "accept" that I dont have control. All I am saying is that eventually that will be something I will have to figure out. I am warning you though, I might be on my death bed before I let it go.
I have been trying to get in touch with the local CMV peeps here, but I am having little luck. I miss my support network and family in Alaska in that regard. I have a little time here, but when we move again next year I will be full throttle kicking the shit out of CMV. Daddy misses you baby girl, we both do. I think we need to have a "Chloe Combat" day. Your dad and I have Monday off together while everyone else is at school. I think there is a mountain we need to climb and scream at the top of our lungs how much we hate CMV, but also tell the world how much we love you (as if you didnt know).
Well baby, I have to finish another assignment, my classes this term are almost done. Because of you your momma is about to have her Bachelors next term. Take that CMV! I will live my life as if you are here next to me, just because you were not given the chance. Thank you for getting my ass in gear babe. I love you sweet girl. Until I hold you again.


Oh and FU CMV!!

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

I am still here...

It has been so long Chloe, I am so sorry I have not written. Life has been so crazy busy I am not sure exactly where to begin. I guess I'll start by asking you if you know I love you? Have I told you how much I miss you? I know I have, but it doesn't seem like it's ever enough. Your brothers and sisters are back to school now. Everyone is having a great time so far. Ayden went to preschool- it broke my heart a bit. He was so happy and I was so proud of him, but you should be there too. At least you would have been able to come home with me. I feel like all the little chicks are flying the nest. I know it's just school, but now there are no "wee ones" in the house. Everyone is growing up so fast.
Texas is nice and warm, the sun feels great. I am almost done with school now, so mommy is back at her studying. After this term I only have three classes to go. Seems crazy to me because I have been going to school for so long. I wont stop there though, I am going to keep going once I get my Bachelors. It's important for me to finish this, and to complete my certificate after and go on to my Master's. I want to not only make myself and your Daddy proud, but I want to be an example for you kids. How can I preach about college if I never did it? or finished? I hope you are proud of me.
When I have more time I will tell you about are trip down the Alaska Highway. You would have had so much fun, even your brother and sisters had a blast! Everyone was so good and we did so many things. There is so much beautiful things in this world I wish you could have experienced. Like your first ice cream cone, playing in the sprinkler, getting gum stuck in your hair, your first fish you would have caught, your first time riding a bike, your first school dance, your first kiss, and of course your first day off to college. So many dreams I had for you- dreams that I still have for you.  You big big brother Nicolas, is such a book worm. He reads so well and has such a knack for technology. Alina is my little studious child. She cracks me up when she does her work. She is so meticulous and bright that her teachers are always so impressed with the quality of work she does in school. She aspires to be a nurse and is an amazing artist. She has drawn such adorable pictures of you since you have left us. Bella is sharp- she is a perfectionist with her work and she works hard. She has such a deep love for animals like I did at her age. She aspires to be a veterinarian and it would be something that would come so natural to her because she loved them so much. She has a hard time accepting the fact that vets put animals down too, but I have to help her understand that more often than not a vet is taking away a very painful and irreversible problem and giving them rest. Ayden is so rambunctious! He will indeed be a very athletic child. Like Bella he is so sharp with everything. He picks up and learns fast and usually only needs to be shown once. It's still too early to foresee his path (or what I think it will be) but for now I am just so happy to see him grow.
Then there is you. You would be 19 months on the 25th. No doubt you would be walking by now, your hair would be as curly as your mom's and you would have the greenest eyes. In my mind you are this happy child that is always smiling and making everyone laugh. You fill the room with so much warmth.  When I think of you it is like you have a glow about you. Something about you calms my soul and makes me feel at peace. It's when these thoughts are gone and I am back to the daily grind that I miss this peace. It's hard to find it when my thoughts are so preoccupied. These thoughts can be so clouded by the dark memories of how you died- the fading of your heartbeat and the most horrible sight of you being taken away from me. I miss you.
Until I can hold you again, I will try my best to fill my mind and my heart with your glow. I have much to do and I may not always be able to get to my computer but I love you. I am always thinking of you.  So baby  girl, until I can talk to you again, I love you, I miss you... forever yours.


Thursday, May 9, 2013

The time has come....

It's here baby girl, the time that we are getting ready to move. Pack up our family and drive down the Alaska highway with Daddy, your brothers and sister, a bird, cat, and dog. Everyone but you. I know that it is time to leave, but now the closer we get, I find that it is getting harder and harder to not feel a sense of emptiness. It really compounded yesterday after I got off the phone with your Daddy. He has been packing and cleaning away all week. I knew that we would eventually go through the baby clothes, toys, and infant "stuff" that we don't need. I was thrown back and on the verge of tears when he said he went through everything and took it to be donated. Why was I so shocked? I think I was thrown off by the fact that we had talked about doing it for some time now, but I don't know if I really thought we would. I was even upset about your brothers baby clothes being cleaned out. I guess I have grown to like those scattered around the house. It was the last sign of a baby in the house. Now it is gone. I came home and walked upstairs the best i could (mommy had knee surgery last week) and went into what should have been your nursery. Gone, all of it. I don't know how to feel right now Angel. It seems to surreal as if it's now a definitive "you are gone". I know it's just "stuff", but the sentimental value of everything still hurts. Thank god your baby clothes are still hanging in my closet next to my clothes. I was able to save a few things of your brothers. More for keepsake value. It's a reminder that he will never be that small again and you will never grow to be as big as him. Not in this lifetime anyway. The shelf with your urn look lonely and barren. I have slowly packed around "you". I packed your precious stuffed animals, your keepsakes and memento's. Everything that you touched and wore, but you are still there- waiting. The day is quickly approaching my sweet baby Angel. I feel that sense of panic creeping up again. The house is torn apart and I feel clostraphobic. Saying good bye to your aunties and grandpa will be very hard. Life is an adventure and we are heading on to the next phase. Your Daddy's training will be 10 months in El Paso then we will be moving to Utah where we will be stationed at Hill AFB. It's very nice there, much like Alaska. You would love every minute of it. I know you would just be a little tom boy like your mommy was. I'm sorry it's been so long since Ive written. It has been busy to say the least and a little crazy. There are not enough hours in the day to get done what I need to, but you are on my mind every second baby girl. The void in our lives has not left. I look for you in everything still and I don't think that will ever change. With the moving going on I have not had much time for my "Fuck You CMV" campaign. I will be forever sorry about how things turned out.  Don't worry, that will never stop, but right now I have to focus on your siblings and getting the house together. So much to do in so little time. I know you would have been a big helper :0)
Well Angel, I must get to it. I love you forever and ever, to the moon and back and as big as the world.
Until I see you again, I miss you, I love you.


Thursday, April 4, 2013

You are in a box.....

I started packing up the house slowly....I started with your trinckets, dolls, and our gifts from the hospital. It was strange, I felt like I was packing "you" into a box. Your urn stays where it always does next to the bed. It still is hard to take in that you are in a box. A stone box that you will stay in forever unless something crazy happens. I wont open the box, there better not be one speck of ash missing from where you rest now. I wish you were here to help me pack. Your nursery (now the guest room) is staring me in the face. I have left your clothes hanging in my closet next to my clothes and I will pack those in my suitcase. It would be like we are sharing a suitcase together. I am batteling with what to do with the baby swing, bouncer, tub, and baby carrier. I had held onto most of it from when I had your brother, and now its still in your room. Just taking up space. This is eating me up- do I save all these things that I may never use again? I know it is just "stuff", but it is so hard to part with anything that is linked to you and even your brother. If I got rid of all the extra baby stuff would it confirm that this is indeed the end of my child bearing? That I will never have a baby again? I cant even tell you if that is  a good thing or a bad thing. I still am unsure of how I feel about having another baby. It's all so hard....
Your mommy and our miss K have been busy with CMV stuff. You would be happy to hear that we gave public testimony regarding why we thing CMV should be added to the conditions to recieve early childhood intervention services. (I forget the long official title) but this will more than likely go through. I hate this virus so much, why? why? why? I will never understand why any of this happened to us. I will never understand why I got the virus and why I could'nt fight it off. Our Dr. T. asked me if I intentionally meant to cause your death? I said of course not- She asked me then how can I blame myself and be responsible? I see her point, but it is so fucking disturbing that I didnt know about this virus. I wasnt even given a chance to change the path we were on. I wasnt given the knowledge to protect you and this could have been avoided. This is the frustrating thing- I know I shouldnt blame myself , but there is no one else! How fucking frustrating! CMV can kiss my ass and I will be working and taking every fiber of my being to kick your ass to the curb and win this war I have waged against you. I just wish it was something that wasnt such a long process. All in time, I just need to find patience, or learn to have some. I miss you baby, I wish you were here to coo and giggle in my face. Ill even take one of those snotty oozy drooly kisses. Anyway doll, it's back to life, this unbearable life without you. I miss you, I love you, until I hold you again.....