Here we are again babygirl, the 25th of the month looms near which mean that it has been 22 months since you left my sight. I always feel that day of the month, I wake up and my body just doesn't want to move and my bones ache. Last time I talked to you it was the beginning of birthday season. Two out of four are done and it is sometimes so hard to find happiness when there is you, missing from all the fun, all the pictures, all the gooey cake in the face moments. We went camping for Ayden birthday by a lake, I think you would have been over the moon with. For Nicolas's birthday the boys and your sisters had a paintball party and went out to a course and shot at each other. Some of your brothers classmates came, so everyone had a good time. Your poor big brother Ayden was stuck with me watching, right where you should have been. You two could have played in the sand together and have been all content just being the two of you in the dirt. No big kids allowed right?
This is the start of the dreaded two month count down. I count down at two months because Christmas becomes a nightmare as well. Really I think the month of October was the last month that I remember anything happy during the pregnancy with you. Blissful, content and fat I wish I could get that time back where I could love my swollen ankles and my fat fingers and I would praise about how we weren't getting any sleep because you were up all night kicking me. All the moments that most probably take for granted, moan and groan and complain about having to go through it. I'll take it on all over again if I could.
School is ever so daunting right now Angel. I am in three classes at once, but its only because two classes are overlapping with my final capstone project for the next few weeks. That's right baby girl, one of my promises to you is being fulfilled. I will have my degree on 23 January, assuming I don't have any issues with the grueling research paper.
Mommy got to bring home her birthday present finally last month. My German Shepard puppy is so handsome and cute. He is so big already! He will grow to be the protector of the family and my outdoor partner in crime. Your brother loves that role as well, but we need a feisty four legged friend to come along as well.
For your Angel day I am trying to think of two random acts of kindness. Since you will be two years old, the occasion calls for two acts. I wish I could take CMV and blow it to fucking smitherines, but since that is not an option right now for me to do on your birthday, I will graciously settle for making your day beautiful for someone else. Any ideas Chloe?
Mommy has had allot of ups and downs lately. This will be a hard angelversary to overcome. Maybe because it was still so surreal for your first one that I blocked out allot of the emotion. I don't know why but this time it almost feels more profound and empty blackness and endless pit of despair. Those feelings aren't very becoming of a birthday, but its not a birthday, it a angel day or an angelversary. I get to "celebrate" the birth and instant death of my daughter in one instantaneous explosive bomb. It still amazes me that I can wake up some days.
Well baby, it's late and I started this hours ago. I have to step away for a bit and I will talk to you again later. I love you Chloe, I miss you.
Mommy
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