It's night, the sun is down, and I just got done with a shit tone of homework. Finally a break, a breath, a moment to stop and think of you. Where are you? I still wonder how you are doing. Its that time of night when the sun sinks in the sky with a bright pink/orange hue. I wonder if the light skips across the sky to you- or wherever you are. I still hate that. Where could you have gone? Is this all still just a dream. I miss you so much I cant stand it sometimes. It's like this revolving door and I cant find the fucking way out. Who designed that shit anyway? There is no exit, not door- just windows. Windows where I stare at myself constantly. Man it just sucks.
Ive signed up for my last two classes before my big project next term that will ultimately decide if I get my degree or not. I guess I need a fancy titled class to say that I am smart enough to get a piece of paper for something that I have been doing for thirteen years now. I think I'm good. Call me crazy, but I probably know more than half the jack asses that teach theses classes. It's for you babe. You will never ever get to go to school, so I will for you. I never really cared about all that until you. You make me a better person- even in death. A grumpy, pissy, fucked up person, but a better person because I held you for 15 hours. Weird huh? Who would have thought that those moments, so short in time would change my world.
Is it weird that I feel like I cant function without you? I am hoping and praying that wherever you are, your end of this fucked up deal is not as bad as mine. I consider myself lucky though. To have you, to have held you, to even have let you go. It is all still so surreal. We are approaching the shitty time of year for me, where birthdays are plentiful, holidays are never ending and oh yes, need I forget your 2nd Angelversary. Fuck fuck fuck! Why why why!! Can someone please just make a record out of me repeating these same fucking words over and over!!! Ugh, can you tell I am not feeling well. Being sick makes grief worse I think. Anything that is out of my routine, my day, my schedule is a recipe for disaster. It seems so loud- I cant think. The house is full of people, but yet so empty. Will this ever just end? I wish you were here, I wish we were having a princess birthday party instead of a Nikki pitty party, my daughter would be 2, but instead a virus called CMV fucking killed her and no one knows about it and no one cares Angelversary day. Since we don't do pink, it would be decked out in purple. Purple and maybe black. We would make it amazing. You would be perfect in your birthday dress and I would be on top of the world snapping photo after photo like a crazy photog mother. Oh how I wish, but no, just another twisted memory I have already made in my mind that will actually happen and we will actually have this birthday and you will have cake all over you. Then the day will come and my reality will sink in and I will hate this world all over. What shall I do for your birthday crazy danger day? I was hoping to jump out of an airplane and do some sky diving, but I don't think there is anything like that around here. I might have to do some research. This year will be two random acts of kindness, and I will be doing it in my best purple. I love you, this is all I know to say yet it is the one thing that doesn't feel like it's enough. Im sorry- will that ever be enough? Can I ever make this up to you?
I love you my Angel. Forever and ever, to the moon and back.
Mommy
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