I think Ive gone crazy.....

Hey baby doll,
It's night, the sun is down, and I just got done with a shit tone of homework. Finally a break, a breath, a moment to stop and think of you. Where are you? I still wonder how you are doing. Its that time of night when the sun sinks in the sky with a bright pink/orange hue. I wonder if the light skips across the sky to you- or wherever you are. I still hate that. Where could you have gone? Is this all still just a dream. I miss you so much I cant stand it sometimes. It's like this revolving door and I cant find the fucking way out. Who designed that shit anyway? There is no exit, not door- just windows. Windows where I stare at myself constantly. Man it just sucks.
Ive signed up for my last two classes before my big project next term that will ultimately decide if I get my degree or not. I guess I need a fancy titled class to say that I am smart enough to get a piece of paper for something that I have been doing for thirteen years now. I think I'm good. Call me crazy, but I probably know more than half the jack asses that teach theses classes. It's for you babe. You will never ever get to go to school, so I will for you. I never really cared about all that until you. You make me a better person- even in death. A grumpy, pissy, fucked up person, but a better person because I held you for 15 hours. Weird huh? Who would have thought that those moments, so short in time would change my world.
Is it weird that I feel like I cant function without you? I am hoping and praying that wherever you are, your end of this fucked up deal is not as bad as mine. I consider myself lucky though. To have  you, to have held you, to even have let you go. It is all still so surreal. We are approaching the shitty time of year for me, where birthdays are plentiful, holidays are never ending and oh yes, need I forget your 2nd Angelversary. Fuck fuck fuck! Why why why!! Can someone please just make a record out of me repeating these same fucking words over and over!!! Ugh, can you tell I am not feeling well. Being sick makes grief worse I think. Anything that is out of my routine, my day, my schedule is a recipe for disaster. It seems so loud- I cant think. The house is full of people, but yet so empty. Will this ever just end? I wish you were here, I wish we were having a princess birthday party instead of a Nikki pitty party, my daughter would be 2, but instead a virus called CMV fucking killed her and no one knows about it and no one cares Angelversary day. Since we don't do pink, it would be decked out in purple. Purple and maybe black. We would make it amazing. You would be perfect in your birthday dress and I would be on top of the world snapping photo after photo like a crazy photog mother. Oh how I wish, but no, just another twisted memory I have already made in my mind that will actually happen and we will actually have this birthday and you will have cake all over you. Then the day will come and my reality will sink in and I will hate this world all over. What shall I do for your birthday crazy danger day? I was hoping to jump out of an airplane and do some sky diving, but I don't think there is anything like that around here. I might have to do some research. This year will be two random acts of kindness, and I will be doing it in my best purple. I love you, this is all I know to say yet it is the one thing that doesn't feel like it's enough. Im sorry- will that ever be enough? Can I ever make this up to you?
I love you my Angel. Forever and ever, to the moon and back.

Mommy

Its a red lipstick kind of day....

Oh Chloe, here I am! I feel like I need to scream it to you so you know that I am constantly looking for you. It has been so lonely and buys and crazy around her, I just needed a bit to sit and talk with my favorite girl. I have been taking part in a facebook page called "Capture your grief". Turns out I think I have been neglecting my grief for a bit because I am more and more exhausted as the days go on. I have cried everyday for you for the last 2 weeks. There are other reasons, not just the page, but it makes me miss you more. Looking at the pictures of other babies gone too soon and seeing all the other mommies and daddies in pain and emptiness always pulls at the heart strings. It's looking at things like that and talking about it that I realize that I am still very much in my grief infancy.  My birthday has come and gone, always a hard day to "celebrate" since that was the day I found out I was pregnant with you. Can we go back to that day? I like my birthday better then. The feeling of finding out that you were there and we would be starting that journey. I like that particular day because it was just you and me, we had no idea that the journey would turn so tragic. We had never heard of CM-fucking V and we were not spending countless hours at the hospital and countless needles go into my arms. It was a innocent time. A beautiful time. Although short lived, I wish I could visit that moment, I cherish it so. So today was a red lipstick day (actually all week). I hardly have any make-up on but I put red lipstick on- the kind that says I may be a mess, but I'm going to make it look damn good. After that was done, nothing would be complete without putting some glitter on my nails. This life might be kicking my ass, but Ill make it look good for you baby girl. I don't care what commercials say- waterproof mascara doesn't work when your a grieving mom. I should make a brand and I will call it "Chloe's get your ass out of bed mascara" It would have to be made from glue to stay on my face, Ill just cry it off eventually.
Not everything is bad Chloe Angel. Your brothers and sisters are doing really well in school. Your daddy got me a new puppy for my birthday. My runs have gotten pretty intense lately that he felt I needed a running partner since no one else can keep up. You would have- I pictured it before as you grew into a young woman. All the things we could together, running, swimming, hiking. Taking in God's green earth. I never thought you would become part of it, at least not before me. I have learned in my time without you, that life is not fair, it's not just, its not all ponies and champagne. It's just life. I dont like the term "shit happens", but I do see that I am not in control anymore. I dont like this. I have the hardest time and I have yet to "accept" that I dont have control. All I am saying is that eventually that will be something I will have to figure out. I am warning you though, I might be on my death bed before I let it go.
I have been trying to get in touch with the local CMV peeps here, but I am having little luck. I miss my support network and family in Alaska in that regard. I have a little time here, but when we move again next year I will be full throttle kicking the shit out of CMV. Daddy misses you baby girl, we both do. I think we need to have a "Chloe Combat" day. Your dad and I have Monday off together while everyone else is at school. I think there is a mountain we need to climb and scream at the top of our lungs how much we hate CMV, but also tell the world how much we love you (as if you didnt know).
Well baby, I have to finish another assignment, my classes this term are almost done. Because of you your momma is about to have her Bachelors next term. Take that CMV! I will live my life as if you are here next to me, just because you were not given the chance. Thank you for getting my ass in gear babe. I love you sweet girl. Until I hold you again.

Mommy

Oh and FU CMV!!