The hangover

Chloe,
I thougth today would be easier than yesterday- it's not. For some reason it feels harder, I feel worse than I did yesterday. I thought I wouldnt sleep, but I did. Not well, not sound, but enough to wake up feeling like I got ran over by a truck. My body hurts, my heart hurts, fuck- everything hurts. I knew I would play that day over in my head, its been going round and round all day. I can see your face clear as day. I have been so foggy over this past year, I thought I had forgotten what you look like. I know I am not facing this the way I should . I avoid looking at your pictures on the wall, I feel like I cant make eye contact with you- after all, I let you down. I worked so hard at keeping it together yesterday that I have nothing left for today. I wish I could dream about you, something good and pure. I had a dream about you the night before your birthday, but I should really call it a nightmare. It was the hospital room all over again. The birthing part was over, family had finally left- it must have been about 3 a.m. That was the time that we had to ourselves and I just snuggled with you in that hospital bed. In my dream I felt this sense of peace. Much like when I held you. At that time I was not in reality and the thought of not taking you home hadnt hit me yet. The peace was shattered when I fell asleep with you in my arms. I lost my grip on you and you fell off the bed and hit the hospital floor. I woke up sweating in a panic that night, I jumped up out of bed to the sound of cracking bones. Your bones, its all so no fair. Since then I have been afraid to go to sleep. I keep going back to the hospital, but there is always some devstating tragic twist (more so than what already was tragic). Last time I held you your eyes opened and you stared at me, then I had the dream that we were eaten by bears, another when we were finally allowed to bring you home and we were in a head on collision. I cant remember ever having good dreams. I wish I could have dreams where I could watch you grow, talk to you, be a mother to you. If I can't have you here in reality, why can't I have you in my dreams? Real or not, Im sure it would ease my broken heart. To see you grow, watch you become a beautiful little girl, to hold you, hug you, wipe your tears away.
Ive been remember the weeks after your death. The confusion and chaos I felt every second of every day. I remember the first day home, just sitting on the couch not bein able to move. I wasnt really sore from the birth, but when my milk came and there was no where for it to go, it was the most excrutiating pain I have ever had. My body did as it was supposed to, but you were not there. My purpose was gone. The doctors and nurses were wonderful during that time, but no one ever explained to me the physical wreck I would be. They went over and over about my emotional state, the hormones, they even tried to shove anti-depressants down my throat. I felt that I could take it on, on biggie. Im good at taking my emotions and shoving them away. I was great at it for at least six months. But the body pain never left, it is still here even a year later. It is amazing the love a mother has for a child. I am not trying to discredit a father's love, but when you are growing that child inside of you and you have this connection that can not be felt by anyone else. We were together, working together, becoming a part of eachother. To this day when I hear the cry of a newborn my chest screams out in pain. I will get that ache in my stomach and I will be almost dropping to my knees in pain. This pain travels through my entire body- head to toe. The mind can play mean tricks on the heart. The heart will always be more vulnerable, add the gift of sight and you are one cocktail away from a bloody mary. Do you know how much I love you Chloe?  If you dont know, then I am not working hard enough. I would give anything to go back to those 16 hours just to see you one more time. If this hasnt killed me yet, then why shouldnt I go back. I know that I will die young, I can feel it. Grief takes such a toll on the mind, body and heart. I get heart palpatations, unexplained pain, and constant shaking and nervousness. I can say I hate it, but you are worth every bit of it. I will take these pains, for if I didnt, it would be the life you would have to face. You were obviously far to precious and pure to take this sad world on.
Well the rage isnt here yet, it more just the unbearable sorrow. I must go for now sweet Angel. I love you, I miss you, Until I hold you again.

Mommy

P.S. I hope you got mommy and daddy's love note yesterday ;0)

Happy birth..........oh wait- nevermind.

Ohh babygirl, the day has finally come, your first birthday- blahhhh! I knew this day would haunt me, I knew it would not be another day, but I never would have anticipated that I would feel this lost. Your daddy was a sweet man and let me sleep in and he got your brothers and sisters off to school. I didnt really sleep much, I was up, but I just laid there staring at you. Well, your urn, but in my mind its you, your body, the one thing I have to physically hold in my hands. Your monkey brother and I ate breakfast and spent the moring watching his favorite "Ice Age". There was nothing more sweet when he woke up and I asked him who's birthday was today? He said, "Mine and Choeeee". "Yes baby boy, you are right". I spent the rest of the morning distracting his attention away from the fact that he did not have presents, and where was yours? The mind of a three year old suprises me so much. The morning was routine for the most part, although with every move my body hurt, telling me that the grief would only compound itself. Your daddy and I stopped at the bank, got your pruple balloons with starts, and went to luch at our favorite place. Every where we went we left a little Chloe trail of CMV awareness bracelets and your cards. After lunch and a stop at Costco we headed up the mountain to get as close to you as possible. This is where every fiber of my being was dying, all over again. One year ago today a part of me died. A year ago today, a part of me was carried away in that body bag next to your cold body. A year ago today was the last time I held you in my arms and kissed your cheeks. And to all my pain and agony, it was a year ago today that I forever would be scarred by that fucking virus CMV. The mountain was beautiful, the sun was high, the mountains glistened. It was cold like always, but I still didnt wear a jacket, I just felt like my rage was making my body on fire. There is no balloon in the world that could ease the fact that you are gone, there is not enough purple fingernail polish to make me feel alive again. I wish it didnt have to be this way, my life has been reduced to balloons, an empty nursery, the car seat gone, and no birthday cake to play in. I will never get to watch you as you throw cake from one corner of the house to the other. There will be no presents, friends and family that will celebrate the blessings that is children and most importantly that first birthday. I cried more today than I have in a while, to the point that looking at children brought me to the verge of tears. Everyone looks so happy, so oblivious to the real world, the real world where children get virus's and die and there is nothing thier mom and dad can do about it because no one in the fucking United States of America with power will do a damn thing about it!! I want to scream it to everyone, the ignorance of it all. The most frustrating thing about it all is, why would they be happy? 100 bucks says they have no idea what CMV is or what it stands for. How can I be angry and blame them? I want to blame someone though. I've heard its not my fault a million time, there is nothing I could have done. Tell me a million more times and I will still tell you that I cant see that now. I gave her the virus, I couldnt protect her, I couldnt save her and she came from me with no hope. If that isnt a way to shut down a woman's sole purpose in life, I dont know what else does.
Your blue eyes, how bright they would have shined today. The smiles, the laughter, the giggles, the kisses, the messes- I want them all and I will not get them!!!!! Can someone please just take a knife and slice it down my chest through my heart. Someone might as well, but wait it wouldnt matter. I have a hole in my heart- the knife would miss. I wish there was more I could do to fight this CMV Chloe. It feels like everything is moving at a glacial place and I am always full speed ahead. Ive been told that the first year after the death of a child is the hardest and that the grief usually doesnt become "managable" until after 2 years. As I type this I am sad, angry, and just plain fucking pissed. How can this be the next 50 years of my life? I am to mark the emptyness with not so much as hearing your voice. This truly does not make sense, it is the biggest bass-ackwards shit I have ever heard.
Today I kept your baby blanket with me all day. I thought the fresh air would be nice. When we leave this place will I still feel this empty? Will it be easier than today? I have not played the hospital over in my mind yet; I will save that for later when I cannot sleep. It's coming, I already know. I need to keep it together for your brothers and sisters. If they were not here, I would not have any sanity left. I need them as much as they need me I think, but my reasons are far different than thiers. They have no idea, and I am glad. They know far to much about suffering, pain, and death for thier age. If I can make the world know CMV, I will. There is no doubt that this mountain will be conquered by me, someone, anybody someday. There are others who dispise this virus as much as I do. Eventually something will have to give, someone will have to listen. I will be knocking some heads around if this snail pace wont let up.
Oh sweet girl, we will leave it at this for now. I will save the narsasistic animal mommy rage for later. I love you, I miss you, I so badly just want to hold you again. If only just one more time.

Thank you Christmas for being over....

Chloe,
Christmas and New Years has come and gone. I know I probably should have written something, but I just couldnt. Your brother and sisters were gone the whole time. It was just your Daddy, me, and your monkey of a brother. I dont know if it was because I wasnt going a million miles an hour, or if I had too much time off, but it has been the saddest and most lonely I have ever been since you were taken from me. Christmas is supposed to be a joyous time about family and making memories, but the only memories I can think of was last year. Having you in my belly, kicking, moving, keeping me up at night. I miss that feeling, the feeling of having a purpose. I had one, I was going to become your mother, but in order to do that I had to keep you safe until it was your time to come greet us in this big world. But it never happened. My purpose was stripped from me, I didnt keep you safe. I couldnt save you. Chirstmas is just a reminder of all that. I tried to make it as memorable as I could for your brother, but I think I failed. I think I always fail at what I do now.
Time ticked by slowly, almost dragging and that has never been an issue in our overwhelming lives. To think that you would be 11 months old on christmas day. Now just around the corner, the anniversary of your death. I just dont understand this life I have been thrusted into. I didnt ask for it, I didnt want it. Now, I can barely live in it, but like I always do, I find a way to push on.
Im praying, trying, and dying to get through this next month. I cant believe this time has gone by already and yet it has passed like mollasses. What am I to do without you?  Life has gone on around me and sometimes I want to scream to world and say "Dont you remember she is dead?" "Why are you all so happy?" My Chloe is dead, I hate that word. I have never said that word so many times in my life as I have in this short time. It's almost a alternate universe when you are pregnant and ready to give life, when that word is used the most. This fucked up little universe I live in can go fuck itself and CMV, I will make sure it's existence cannot be traced. I hate this Chloe, I do. I wish I had more uplifting things to say, but I guess I really never do. Work will be work, school will still keep me busy (for 6 more classes anyway) and my existance will be marked with the milestones that you will never reach, the moments I will never share with your, and the experiences you were robbed of. This cannot be a healthy way to view life. But what is life, if you are broken, empty and a part of you is missing or in this case, dead as well.
I am hoping for a better year in 2013. Not better in the sense that I will ever be over you, or that this will ever feel better, but in a sense that I can be posative and more motivated to make a difference. I cannot sleep all the time, I can no longer sulk and drown myself in tears when I am alone. I need to move past my debilitating grief and try to live for your with the best of my ability. Dont get me wrong Angel, you are worth every tear, every cry, scream and every moment I stay in bed and avoid the world. But your brothers and sisters are worth just as much, and they need life. They need to have a thriving, happy life. I will do my best, I know there will be days, I know I will forever hate this, but at least I can try harder. For them, for you, for your daddy, and when the time is right-for me.
 I will never embrace this life, I will never accept that you were taken from me, but I can get better at putting that smile on my face, I can wear something other than sweat pants, and I can occasionally put on some crazy nail polish and lip gloss on.
I love you Angel, there is no way you couldn't know that. If you dont, then I will find a way to make sure you do for the rest of my life.
I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again....

Mommy