Thank you Christmas for being over....

Chloe,
Christmas and New Years has come and gone. I know I probably should have written something, but I just couldnt. Your brother and sisters were gone the whole time. It was just your Daddy, me, and your monkey of a brother. I dont know if it was because I wasnt going a million miles an hour, or if I had too much time off, but it has been the saddest and most lonely I have ever been since you were taken from me. Christmas is supposed to be a joyous time about family and making memories, but the only memories I can think of was last year. Having you in my belly, kicking, moving, keeping me up at night. I miss that feeling, the feeling of having a purpose. I had one, I was going to become your mother, but in order to do that I had to keep you safe until it was your time to come greet us in this big world. But it never happened. My purpose was stripped from me, I didnt keep you safe. I couldnt save you. Chirstmas is just a reminder of all that. I tried to make it as memorable as I could for your brother, but I think I failed. I think I always fail at what I do now.
Time ticked by slowly, almost dragging and that has never been an issue in our overwhelming lives. To think that you would be 11 months old on christmas day. Now just around the corner, the anniversary of your death. I just dont understand this life I have been thrusted into. I didnt ask for it, I didnt want it. Now, I can barely live in it, but like I always do, I find a way to push on.
Im praying, trying, and dying to get through this next month. I cant believe this time has gone by already and yet it has passed like mollasses. What am I to do without you?  Life has gone on around me and sometimes I want to scream to world and say "Dont you remember she is dead?" "Why are you all so happy?" My Chloe is dead, I hate that word. I have never said that word so many times in my life as I have in this short time. It's almost a alternate universe when you are pregnant and ready to give life, when that word is used the most. This fucked up little universe I live in can go fuck itself and CMV, I will make sure it's existence cannot be traced. I hate this Chloe, I do. I wish I had more uplifting things to say, but I guess I really never do. Work will be work, school will still keep me busy (for 6 more classes anyway) and my existance will be marked with the milestones that you will never reach, the moments I will never share with your, and the experiences you were robbed of. This cannot be a healthy way to view life. But what is life, if you are broken, empty and a part of you is missing or in this case, dead as well.
I am hoping for a better year in 2013. Not better in the sense that I will ever be over you, or that this will ever feel better, but in a sense that I can be posative and more motivated to make a difference. I cannot sleep all the time, I can no longer sulk and drown myself in tears when I am alone. I need to move past my debilitating grief and try to live for your with the best of my ability. Dont get me wrong Angel, you are worth every tear, every cry, scream and every moment I stay in bed and avoid the world. But your brothers and sisters are worth just as much, and they need life. They need to have a thriving, happy life. I will do my best, I know there will be days, I know I will forever hate this, but at least I can try harder. For them, for you, for your daddy, and when the time is right-for me.
 I will never embrace this life, I will never accept that you were taken from me, but I can get better at putting that smile on my face, I can wear something other than sweat pants, and I can occasionally put on some crazy nail polish and lip gloss on.
I love you Angel, there is no way you couldn't know that. If you dont, then I will find a way to make sure you do for the rest of my life.
I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again....

Mommy