I thougth today would be easier than yesterday- it's not. For some reason it feels harder, I feel worse than I did yesterday. I thought I wouldnt sleep, but I did. Not well, not sound, but enough to wake up feeling like I got ran over by a truck. My body hurts, my heart hurts, fuck- everything hurts. I knew I would play that day over in my head, its been going round and round all day. I can see your face clear as day. I have been so foggy over this past year, I thought I had forgotten what you look like. I know I am not facing this the way I should . I avoid looking at your pictures on the wall, I feel like I cant make eye contact with you- after all, I let you down. I worked so hard at keeping it together yesterday that I have nothing left for today. I wish I could dream about you, something good and pure. I had a dream about you the night before your birthday, but I should really call it a nightmare. It was the hospital room all over again. The birthing part was over, family had finally left- it must have been about 3 a.m. That was the time that we had to ourselves and I just snuggled with you in that hospital bed. In my dream I felt this sense of peace. Much like when I held you. At that time I was not in reality and the thought of not taking you home hadnt hit me yet. The peace was shattered when I fell asleep with you in my arms. I lost my grip on you and you fell off the bed and hit the hospital floor. I woke up sweating in a panic that night, I jumped up out of bed to the sound of cracking bones. Your bones, its all so no fair. Since then I have been afraid to go to sleep. I keep going back to the hospital, but there is always some devstating tragic twist (more so than what already was tragic). Last time I held you your eyes opened and you stared at me, then I had the dream that we were eaten by bears, another when we were finally allowed to bring you home and we were in a head on collision. I cant remember ever having good dreams. I wish I could have dreams where I could watch you grow, talk to you, be a mother to you. If I can't have you here in reality, why can't I have you in my dreams? Real or not, Im sure it would ease my broken heart. To see you grow, watch you become a beautiful little girl, to hold you, hug you, wipe your tears away.
Ive been remember the weeks after your death. The confusion and chaos I felt every second of every day. I remember the first day home, just sitting on the couch not bein able to move. I wasnt really sore from the birth, but when my milk came and there was no where for it to go, it was the most excrutiating pain I have ever had. My body did as it was supposed to, but you were not there. My purpose was gone. The doctors and nurses were wonderful during that time, but no one ever explained to me the physical wreck I would be. They went over and over about my emotional state, the hormones, they even tried to shove anti-depressants down my throat. I felt that I could take it on, on biggie. Im good at taking my emotions and shoving them away. I was great at it for at least six months. But the body pain never left, it is still here even a year later. It is amazing the love a mother has for a child. I am not trying to discredit a father's love, but when you are growing that child inside of you and you have this connection that can not be felt by anyone else. We were together, working together, becoming a part of eachother. To this day when I hear the cry of a newborn my chest screams out in pain. I will get that ache in my stomach and I will be almost dropping to my knees in pain. This pain travels through my entire body- head to toe. The mind can play mean tricks on the heart. The heart will always be more vulnerable, add the gift of sight and you are one cocktail away from a bloody mary. Do you know how much I love you Chloe? If you dont know, then I am not working hard enough. I would give anything to go back to those 16 hours just to see you one more time. If this hasnt killed me yet, then why shouldnt I go back. I know that I will die young, I can feel it. Grief takes such a toll on the mind, body and heart. I get heart palpatations, unexplained pain, and constant shaking and nervousness. I can say I hate it, but you are worth every bit of it. I will take these pains, for if I didnt, it would be the life you would have to face. You were obviously far to precious and pure to take this sad world on.
Well the rage isnt here yet, it more just the unbearable sorrow. I must go for now sweet Angel. I love you, I miss you, Until I hold you again.
Mommy
No comments:
Post a Comment