Ohh babygirl, the day has finally come, your first birthday- blahhhh! I knew this day would haunt me, I knew it would not be another day, but I never would have anticipated that I would feel this lost. Your daddy was a sweet man and let me sleep in and he got your brothers and sisters off to school. I didnt really sleep much, I was up, but I just laid there staring at you. Well, your urn, but in my mind its you, your body, the one thing I have to physically hold in my hands. Your monkey brother and I ate breakfast and spent the moring watching his favorite "Ice Age". There was nothing more sweet when he woke up and I asked him who's birthday was today? He said, "Mine and Choeeee". "Yes baby boy, you are right". I spent the rest of the morning distracting his attention away from the fact that he did not have presents, and where was yours? The mind of a three year old suprises me so much. The morning was routine for the most part, although with every move my body hurt, telling me that the grief would only compound itself. Your daddy and I stopped at the bank, got your pruple balloons with starts, and went to luch at our favorite place. Every where we went we left a little Chloe trail of CMV awareness bracelets and your cards. After lunch and a stop at Costco we headed up the mountain to get as close to you as possible. This is where every fiber of my being was dying, all over again. One year ago today a part of me died. A year ago today, a part of me was carried away in that body bag next to your cold body. A year ago today was the last time I held you in my arms and kissed your cheeks. And to all my pain and agony, it was a year ago today that I forever would be scarred by that fucking virus CMV. The mountain was beautiful, the sun was high, the mountains glistened. It was cold like always, but I still didnt wear a jacket, I just felt like my rage was making my body on fire. There is no balloon in the world that could ease the fact that you are gone, there is not enough purple fingernail polish to make me feel alive again. I wish it didnt have to be this way, my life has been reduced to balloons, an empty nursery, the car seat gone, and no birthday cake to play in. I will never get to watch you as you throw cake from one corner of the house to the other. There will be no presents, friends and family that will celebrate the blessings that is children and most importantly that first birthday. I cried more today than I have in a while, to the point that looking at children brought me to the verge of tears. Everyone looks so happy, so oblivious to the real world, the real world where children get virus's and die and there is nothing thier mom and dad can do about it because no one in the fucking United States of America with power will do a damn thing about it!! I want to scream it to everyone, the ignorance of it all. The most frustrating thing about it all is, why would they be happy? 100 bucks says they have no idea what CMV is or what it stands for. How can I be angry and blame them? I want to blame someone though. I've heard its not my fault a million time, there is nothing I could have done. Tell me a million more times and I will still tell you that I cant see that now. I gave her the virus, I couldnt protect her, I couldnt save her and she came from me with no hope. If that isnt a way to shut down a woman's sole purpose in life, I dont know what else does.
Your blue eyes, how bright they would have shined today. The smiles, the laughter, the giggles, the kisses, the messes- I want them all and I will not get them!!!!! Can someone please just take a knife and slice it down my chest through my heart. Someone might as well, but wait it wouldnt matter. I have a hole in my heart- the knife would miss. I wish there was more I could do to fight this CMV Chloe. It feels like everything is moving at a glacial place and I am always full speed ahead. Ive been told that the first year after the death of a child is the hardest and that the grief usually doesnt become "managable" until after 2 years. As I type this I am sad, angry, and just plain fucking pissed. How can this be the next 50 years of my life? I am to mark the emptyness with not so much as hearing your voice. This truly does not make sense, it is the biggest bass-ackwards shit I have ever heard.
Today I kept your baby blanket with me all day. I thought the fresh air would be nice. When we leave this place will I still feel this empty? Will it be easier than today? I have not played the hospital over in my mind yet; I will save that for later when I cannot sleep. It's coming, I already know. I need to keep it together for your brothers and sisters. If they were not here, I would not have any sanity left. I need them as much as they need me I think, but my reasons are far different than thiers. They have no idea, and I am glad. They know far to much about suffering, pain, and death for thier age. If I can make the world know CMV, I will. There is no doubt that this mountain will be conquered by me, someone, anybody someday. There are others who dispise this virus as much as I do. Eventually something will have to give, someone will have to listen. I will be knocking some heads around if this snail pace wont let up.
Oh sweet girl, we will leave it at this for now. I will save the narsasistic animal mommy rage for later. I love you, I miss you, I so badly just want to hold you again. If only just one more time.
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