Loving you.....

Hello my Chloe,
I thought about you all day (what else is new) but it was bitter sweet. One of many wonderful Angels you placed in my path gave me great news when I needed it most. It looks like my very special Angel took you all the way to Capitol Hill to raise hell about CMV and the fact that doctors or OBGYN dont even discuss this damn virus at all. Dont get me started on the fact that there is ZERO funding going towards this virus whatsoever! How the fuck does this even make sense. Its right there in front of thier noses. There are families talking, crying, screaming about the agony they have faced becasue of this horrific virus and nada, zip, zero, and zilch. Just imagine if they took the time to test and see if those children who are diagnosed around age 2 with a mental disability such as Down Syndrome, hearing loss, and learning disabilities, I wonder what percentage of those darling babies would have traces of CMV in thier blood. Now Im no doctor, but after the last year and all the doctors appointments and the "I dont knows". By the time the third appointment came around your daddy and I were just about as knowledgable about CMV as our actual doctor was. We earned our PhD from Google bitches! That's right, our doctor did the same thing as well. I do not discredit the wonderful doctor I had, this is a issue in the medical community, not specific to just one doctor. These people unless acutally affected by CMV could not possibly fathom the amount of pain, despair, agony, loneliness, axiety, depression, and hopelessness parents feel when they are to just sit back and watch thier child suffer. Sending your favorite Angel to D.C. baby was a blessing, I know it is. These are baby steps, but I cannot help but be optimistic. I wish I could have been there myself. There is nothing that makes me beam with pride more than to hear your name. The fact that your name and story brought tears to those who heard about you. Your little Angel Karen has been working hard. Next week Sen. Begich (AK) and Sen. Lisa Murkoswki will be signing a letter to move and encourage the CDC to implement counceling and information to patients during pregnancy visits. Hopefully the rant I just hand will start to be the dwindeling of a devestated and sometimes bitter mother. I dont want anyone wo have to go through what our family did babygirl, I know you dont want that either.
I know I dont do it enough, but I want to thank you for bringing your Angels to me. It is such a bitter sweet thing, sad and yet happy at the same time. Without you being taken from me, I would have not met these wonderful people.  Im so glad they are in my life, yet I am so sorry that it has to be this way. Talking all this hospital chatter brings me back to so many memories in my mind of those 5 months. The blind euphoric feeling when we went to our routine ultra sound to be completly blown away by what the doctor said. Every mother's reaction is probably the same- what do we do. Daddy's is always, "How do we fix it". Ive never seen your father so upset. His role is to fix things, and being told "I dont know" by the doctor was and always will be a hard pill for your daddy to swallow. I keep playing over and over in my mind the last ultrasound of you we had. Normally those are such wonderful times, watching as the bundle of joy dances and moves on the screen. My favorite was always watching and listening to your heartbeat. It was so strong at the beginning. You were such a fighter, I thought it was all just a mistake, a nightmare. Eventually it would clear up, everything would check out normal and we would have you, take you home, and off running we would go back into parenthood. I feel sick about it all. You last ultra sound was so eerie, so cold. That was the first one we went into that I actually felt like everything was going to be ok. Every other appointment I would be on the verge of puking, I would be so nervous, so scared. At the end of each appointment, I always had a reason to feel that way. As the ultra sound went on and on, the ultrasound tech kept going back to certain spots, she would never make eye contact with me. She would never say anything, she would just click away. All we heard was click, click, click.......She knew nothing had changed. I feel bad for her. You know your mommy had this crazy idea that she would go to school to become an ultrasound tech someday.  After this I can honestly say I cant do it. I can not relive those visits over and over again and watch the light in a mother's eyes fade knowing that something is wrong. This is why we are working as hard as we are babygirl. This has to stop, every family should be given the information about CMV. Vaccine or not, I know for damn sure those who are intitled (medical people) to this information are going home and telling every single person in thier family to look out for this virus.  We need to change that and just tell CMV to look out for your momma, cause she is pissed. We will just keep on, keepin on baby girl. I must, because I love you. Not even death will change that, if anything absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I am so fond of loving you...
Well sweet Angel, Im off to bed, and off to bed you shall go to. I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.....

Mommy

Over the Rainbow

Angel of mine, I miss you so. As the days grow darker and the clouds linger I find myself sadder than ever. I used to find all the goodness in almost everything, now it is harder and harder to find it. It feels like I am walking through this enless tunnel of blackness, but my eyes never focus in the dark. Its completely pitch black. Im learning new things about my life now everyday, like how hard a simple laugh can be when all you think about is death. My body pains come and go but when they are here it is so excrutiating. I wish I could find other things to occupy my mind, but if its not you then it's my frustration over this fucking CMV virus and how there is not much help out there trying to get the words out. There are so many families affected by this that it sickens me that I have gotten so much resistance from the hospital you were born at. Im not done yet, I will keep poking and prodding. After almost 11 years in the military as a mechanic, I am pretty sure I know how to get someone to listen to me. I think about that sometimes, wondering what you would become if you were here for me to watch you grow up. I dont think I would let you join the airforce, I would most certainly not let you become a crew chief. I had much higher ambitions for your dreams. You should have been the other part of my shadow. Your brother on one side and you on the other. This little trio of rambunctious shenanigans (mommy loves that word) and laughing and cuddling. Today is kind of a blah day, I really dont know how to put it anymore. Babies are everywhere, everyone is having a baby, everyone is having trying to have a baby, and for some reason it seems like all the chromosomes do not have a Y attached to it. There must be something in the water, because "It's a girl" is everywhere I go. I love babies, I love them so much but I still cant bring myself to hold one. It hurts to much. I had a rough weekend though. It seemed like there were "tests" all around me, like little "Nikki I'm going to jack your shit up and see what you do" kind of tests.  At one point I saw a child get hurt, everything turned out ok, but it did look pretty bad at first. I just remember shaking and looking for Ayden everywhere. I clung to him like a crazy rabbid mommy. When I left to get food for  a bit I kept playing over and over in my mind that you brother had gotten hurt. It was so pathetic at one point I was figuring out where to put you and your brother's urn together. Yep, baby girl mommy has about lost her top. I calmed myself down, but I cant say it was easy, it never seems easy anymore. Taking care of you and your brothers and sisters would be easier. Im still caught off gaurd when asked how many children I have, I always include you of course, but if life would have been good to us you would be carried around in my arms and the number 5 would be more apparent. I ask myself all the time if Im going crazy.... Im pretty sure you get a kick out of this. Am I crazy because your clothes still hang in my closet? Am I crazy because everynight I sleep curled up into your baby blanket, which I have yet to wash by the way. You might think its gross, but to mommy its about as close to you as I can get. It was the last thing I held you in. I remember for the first few months I took it with me everywhere- the store, to class, to work, even to the gym (but I would leave you in the car).  Dont think that because I dont take you to those everyday places anymore baby girl that I am over it- hardly. Mommy got a little to much anxiety thinking about what would have happened if someone spilled something on it, it ripped or got caught on something, or dirty with someone's vomit. I know this is all my exageration, but do you know how devestated I would be? This hand knit (by  our auntie autum by the way) blanket was the keeper of your bodies warmth before you turned ice cold. This little blanket was swaddeled you so tight and so warm that I almost felt like I suffocated you with it.  This blanket it worth more to me than anything in the world- anything except life itself, your life. You should be here spilling your juice on it, you should here ripping holes in it, and you should be spitting up breakfast on it. Not anyone else, not even me. It is like shrine that I keep next to my bed along with my carving of a mommy sitting in a rocking chair rocking her baby girl to sleep. Dad and I have been talking about moving allot. We will, we are military; it is the ineveitable. I am ready to go, as much as this is where I was born and raised, home never really does feel the same way after you have been gone as long as I have. Now it is a constand reminder of what is gone. I have been back to the hospital twice since you left us. I have walked past our hospital room twice and I can tell you Angel that it sucks. It is still the worst feeling in the world, but going back was even worse because you were not there. I at least had you that short time, now it's just me there and all the people going on about their business who have no idea why this crazy woman in the hallway is crying and looking like a dead woman walking. I think Im ready to leave. The last time your daddy and I talked about it I started to cry. This is the only place you know, you were born here, died here and now I am going to leave that behind. I cant explain the emotions that overwhelmed me, but either way i know I will be a sappy mess. When the day comes I will pack you up with me, you can ride in the middle next to me and daddy and we will drive wherever we are headed to. At least I can take you with me, but I would rather have a carseat instead of an urn. But be that it is what I have been handed I will still hold you close as we drive over the rainbow.
Goodnight baby girl, I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.....

Mommy

Reminders

Today is September 11th baby girl, I know you would not know the signifigance of this day and Im glad. Im not glad you are not here, but I am glad that you do not have to see the horrible things in this world. Its days like today when thousands of people lost their lives and it makes not difference what the reasons are, wether if be acts of terror, war, or illness, it always makes me think of you. I feel like Im living the movie "Ground Hog Day". The same thing is repeated, over and over and over again. The emotions are just as profound, nearly 8 months later it still feels like 8 minutes ago. I am thinking about all the mommies and daddies out there who lost thier children to the terror attacks on this day. It was those acts that prompted your mommy to join the Air Force. If I had not joined the Air Force then I would not have met your daddy and you would not have been in my life, however how brief it was.
I am growing so angry sweet girl. I am so upset that I cant see your baby blue eyes. I am so mad that I cannot kiss your face. I feel so lost without you, like Im just walking around in endless circles. Even around people that I have known for quite sometime I feel like I dont belong, like we no longer have anything in common. Who could understand? I havent written in a while because I have been mentally and physcially beat. This grief is taking its toll on me every second of every day. Why did it take so long for this to hit me? My body aches so much anymore, its almost hard to get out of bed and move.
I miss so much about you like I always do, but today I cant stop thinking about your little feet, your tiny hands, your baby cheeks, and rubbing your baby chin. I wish you could be here with me right now, to cheer me up, and keep me on track. I still ask why you had to go, I'll have to learn that Ill never know that answer. Its so frustrating to live life like this. Wondering if Ill ever hold you, get to see you, Ill do whatever it takes for that.
Oh baby girl so much I wanted to do with you. Everyday that I wake up your clothes still hang in my closet, perfectly pressed the way they were the day I bought them. I'll be seeing Teresa again tonight, your daddy is coming this time. I am glad he is. Its nice to talk about how we feel, to be able to get it all out. It seems like we are always so busy that we never have time. The 20th is coming up, Im still working on what I want to do to remember the day I found out you were growing in my tummy. Ill be 30 which Im not happy about, but I dont want anything to be about me anymore. You and your brothers and sisters are the best part of me now. Whatever I decide to do, I will let you know, I think you will like it. You would have been my little rebel tomboy.
Well baby girl, I must sign off and finish the rest of my day. I think of you every second of everyday. I miss you so much it literally hurts every part of my body. But dont you worry about me sweet girl, I know you take care of me.
Well love, I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.....

Mommy