Loving you.....

Hello my Chloe,
I thought about you all day (what else is new) but it was bitter sweet. One of many wonderful Angels you placed in my path gave me great news when I needed it most. It looks like my very special Angel took you all the way to Capitol Hill to raise hell about CMV and the fact that doctors or OBGYN dont even discuss this damn virus at all. Dont get me started on the fact that there is ZERO funding going towards this virus whatsoever! How the fuck does this even make sense. Its right there in front of thier noses. There are families talking, crying, screaming about the agony they have faced becasue of this horrific virus and nada, zip, zero, and zilch. Just imagine if they took the time to test and see if those children who are diagnosed around age 2 with a mental disability such as Down Syndrome, hearing loss, and learning disabilities, I wonder what percentage of those darling babies would have traces of CMV in thier blood. Now Im no doctor, but after the last year and all the doctors appointments and the "I dont knows". By the time the third appointment came around your daddy and I were just about as knowledgable about CMV as our actual doctor was. We earned our PhD from Google bitches! That's right, our doctor did the same thing as well. I do not discredit the wonderful doctor I had, this is a issue in the medical community, not specific to just one doctor. These people unless acutally affected by CMV could not possibly fathom the amount of pain, despair, agony, loneliness, axiety, depression, and hopelessness parents feel when they are to just sit back and watch thier child suffer. Sending your favorite Angel to D.C. baby was a blessing, I know it is. These are baby steps, but I cannot help but be optimistic. I wish I could have been there myself. There is nothing that makes me beam with pride more than to hear your name. The fact that your name and story brought tears to those who heard about you. Your little Angel Karen has been working hard. Next week Sen. Begich (AK) and Sen. Lisa Murkoswki will be signing a letter to move and encourage the CDC to implement counceling and information to patients during pregnancy visits. Hopefully the rant I just hand will start to be the dwindeling of a devestated and sometimes bitter mother. I dont want anyone wo have to go through what our family did babygirl, I know you dont want that either.
I know I dont do it enough, but I want to thank you for bringing your Angels to me. It is such a bitter sweet thing, sad and yet happy at the same time. Without you being taken from me, I would have not met these wonderful people.  Im so glad they are in my life, yet I am so sorry that it has to be this way. Talking all this hospital chatter brings me back to so many memories in my mind of those 5 months. The blind euphoric feeling when we went to our routine ultra sound to be completly blown away by what the doctor said. Every mother's reaction is probably the same- what do we do. Daddy's is always, "How do we fix it". Ive never seen your father so upset. His role is to fix things, and being told "I dont know" by the doctor was and always will be a hard pill for your daddy to swallow. I keep playing over and over in my mind the last ultrasound of you we had. Normally those are such wonderful times, watching as the bundle of joy dances and moves on the screen. My favorite was always watching and listening to your heartbeat. It was so strong at the beginning. You were such a fighter, I thought it was all just a mistake, a nightmare. Eventually it would clear up, everything would check out normal and we would have you, take you home, and off running we would go back into parenthood. I feel sick about it all. You last ultra sound was so eerie, so cold. That was the first one we went into that I actually felt like everything was going to be ok. Every other appointment I would be on the verge of puking, I would be so nervous, so scared. At the end of each appointment, I always had a reason to feel that way. As the ultra sound went on and on, the ultrasound tech kept going back to certain spots, she would never make eye contact with me. She would never say anything, she would just click away. All we heard was click, click, click.......She knew nothing had changed. I feel bad for her. You know your mommy had this crazy idea that she would go to school to become an ultrasound tech someday.  After this I can honestly say I cant do it. I can not relive those visits over and over again and watch the light in a mother's eyes fade knowing that something is wrong. This is why we are working as hard as we are babygirl. This has to stop, every family should be given the information about CMV. Vaccine or not, I know for damn sure those who are intitled (medical people) to this information are going home and telling every single person in thier family to look out for this virus.  We need to change that and just tell CMV to look out for your momma, cause she is pissed. We will just keep on, keepin on baby girl. I must, because I love you. Not even death will change that, if anything absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I am so fond of loving you...
Well sweet Angel, Im off to bed, and off to bed you shall go to. I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.....

Mommy