Angel of mine, I miss you so. As the days grow darker and the clouds linger I find myself sadder than ever. I used to find all the goodness in almost everything, now it is harder and harder to find it. It feels like I am walking through this enless tunnel of blackness, but my eyes never focus in the dark. Its completely pitch black. Im learning new things about my life now everyday, like how hard a simple laugh can be when all you think about is death. My body pains come and go but when they are here it is so excrutiating. I wish I could find other things to occupy my mind, but if its not you then it's my frustration over this fucking CMV virus and how there is not much help out there trying to get the words out. There are so many families affected by this that it sickens me that I have gotten so much resistance from the hospital you were born at. Im not done yet, I will keep poking and prodding. After almost 11 years in the military as a mechanic, I am pretty sure I know how to get someone to listen to me. I think about that sometimes, wondering what you would become if you were here for me to watch you grow up. I dont think I would let you join the airforce, I would most certainly not let you become a crew chief. I had much higher ambitions for your dreams. You should have been the other part of my shadow. Your brother on one side and you on the other. This little trio of rambunctious shenanigans (mommy loves that word) and laughing and cuddling. Today is kind of a blah day, I really dont know how to put it anymore. Babies are everywhere, everyone is having a baby, everyone is having trying to have a baby, and for some reason it seems like all the chromosomes do not have a Y attached to it. There must be something in the water, because "It's a girl" is everywhere I go. I love babies, I love them so much but I still cant bring myself to hold one. It hurts to much. I had a rough weekend though. It seemed like there were "tests" all around me, like little "Nikki I'm going to jack your shit up and see what you do" kind of tests. At one point I saw a child get hurt, everything turned out ok, but it did look pretty bad at first. I just remember shaking and looking for Ayden everywhere. I clung to him like a crazy rabbid mommy. When I left to get food for a bit I kept playing over and over in my mind that you brother had gotten hurt. It was so pathetic at one point I was figuring out where to put you and your brother's urn together. Yep, baby girl mommy has about lost her top. I calmed myself down, but I cant say it was easy, it never seems easy anymore. Taking care of you and your brothers and sisters would be easier. Im still caught off gaurd when asked how many children I have, I always include you of course, but if life would have been good to us you would be carried around in my arms and the number 5 would be more apparent. I ask myself all the time if Im going crazy.... Im pretty sure you get a kick out of this. Am I crazy because your clothes still hang in my closet? Am I crazy because everynight I sleep curled up into your baby blanket, which I have yet to wash by the way. You might think its gross, but to mommy its about as close to you as I can get. It was the last thing I held you in. I remember for the first few months I took it with me everywhere- the store, to class, to work, even to the gym (but I would leave you in the car). Dont think that because I dont take you to those everyday places anymore baby girl that I am over it- hardly. Mommy got a little to much anxiety thinking about what would have happened if someone spilled something on it, it ripped or got caught on something, or dirty with someone's vomit. I know this is all my exageration, but do you know how devestated I would be? This hand knit (by our auntie autum by the way) blanket was the keeper of your bodies warmth before you turned ice cold. This little blanket was swaddeled you so tight and so warm that I almost felt like I suffocated you with it. This blanket it worth more to me than anything in the world- anything except life itself, your life. You should be here spilling your juice on it, you should here ripping holes in it, and you should be spitting up breakfast on it. Not anyone else, not even me. It is like shrine that I keep next to my bed along with my carving of a mommy sitting in a rocking chair rocking her baby girl to sleep. Dad and I have been talking about moving allot. We will, we are military; it is the ineveitable. I am ready to go, as much as this is where I was born and raised, home never really does feel the same way after you have been gone as long as I have. Now it is a constand reminder of what is gone. I have been back to the hospital twice since you left us. I have walked past our hospital room twice and I can tell you Angel that it sucks. It is still the worst feeling in the world, but going back was even worse because you were not there. I at least had you that short time, now it's just me there and all the people going on about their business who have no idea why this crazy woman in the hallway is crying and looking like a dead woman walking. I think Im ready to leave. The last time your daddy and I talked about it I started to cry. This is the only place you know, you were born here, died here and now I am going to leave that behind. I cant explain the emotions that overwhelmed me, but either way i know I will be a sappy mess. When the day comes I will pack you up with me, you can ride in the middle next to me and daddy and we will drive wherever we are headed to. At least I can take you with me, but I would rather have a carseat instead of an urn. But be that it is what I have been handed I will still hold you close as we drive over the rainbow.
Goodnight baby girl, I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.....
Mommy
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