I miss you, did you know that? I think about you every second of every day. I know I dont write all the time, it's probably a good thing. There are so many crazy thoughts that run through my brain at any given moment. It's raining again; I know this is no suprise to you- it always rains here. I grew up with the rain, it used to not bother me. Now it does; the rain reminds me of my tears. Always there, always pouring. The gloomines of the days make me want to curl up and stay at home. I wish I had a reason to stay at home. Your brothers and sisters are at school, daddy is either sleeping or at work. It makes no sense to stay home in an empty house that echoes with the sound of dispair. I know I am painting this really pathetic picture of your mother for you, but that's where I am at without you. All because of a virus. A virus that no one knows about, that doctors dont talk about, that the CDC wont advertise because there is no dollar amount behind it. Sometimes the anger that boils down deep inside of me is enough to make me want to go postal on people. Why? Why not at least talk about it? So there is no cure? Like the world has not had to deal with that before. The cure is great, but knowledge is half the battle. I cant stop rolling it around in my head Chloe, what if? What if I was told what CMV was? What if some OB or my midwife said to be aware and to wash my hands more often. What if it was something I had the option to have a blood test just to see if I had it? It amazes me the power those "what if's" hold.
Sometimes sitting and thinking this over and over and over in my head brings me to the realization that I was done wrong. Not only by my body, but by those who are privlidged to such information. I know I have said it once and I will say it again- I know you ass clown doctors who dont speak of this virus go home to every childbearing age women in your family, circle, and amongst eachother and warn about this virus. You leave the rest of us to the fucking wolves. That will change! Come hell or high water I will make sure that changes. The smallest ripple of my pain and grief will cascade into the largest wave of knowledge and truth that this virus will not be able to hide like it has for so long. How can you tell me this is not a problem when 80% if the population has it by the time they are 40 years of age?? And there is absolutley no funding going towards this virus except what non-profit organizations provide? I bet if a politians baby was stricken with this virus or that baby dies like mine has then there would be neon signs plastered from here to Sunday! Why? Why does a celebrity have to give thier name to a cause for a cause to be taken seriously? These are all the rants I ponder a million times over baby girl. I cant help it- all the what ifs? And the dreaded whys? Why you, why now, why me, why us, why our family, why, why, why? All these questions I never get answers to.
Tonight was hard baby girl. It is so hard to put into words what I am feeling. I can never explain it. I layed with your urn on the floor and just hugged you. It felt good to squeeze you like that. Your urn felt ice cold, just lke you did the last time I held you in my arms. In a strange way it was comforting. Like it was really you- the coldness of your skin is forever burned into my memory. I remember how suprised I was and how disappointed that your heat had left your body, it left so quickly. This would be the eerie presence of death. Im not afraid of that anymore. I guess I never really gave it much thought before you, but now I think of it constantly. When those families on the news talk about their lost child I dont listen to thier words. Nothing expresses this anguish more so than the looks of utter debilitating pain in their eyes. I wonder if I give it away when people see me. I spend so much time trying to be strong that it exhausts me so much. By the end of the day I can hardly keep my eyes open.
The week since I last wrote has been busy baby. The work load, kids, therapy, and my classes; I am finding that I might be slightly overwhelmed (understatement of the century). I wonder if I can keep this pace up. You would be proud of your momma though, after 7 years and 5 deployments I am finally a senior in college working on my last 10 classes. I might do one more minor so I might actually have more classes than that. Im so close, the light is there at the end of the tunnel, but it seems so far away. Your daddy has been helping me allot, I have to really work on my concentration and focusing on my school work. This has been the hardest thing to overcome since losing you. I would rather think about you than read about meteorology or aviation safety. I have a few more Chloe projects going on and still working on more. I have a donation website set up and we have some donations already :0) You will be making your appearance at a baby fair and women's fair, but those are not until march and april so I am finding other ways to spread your glow. The CMV internation confrence is coming up at the end of the month. I dont know if I will be able to go :0( This saddens me allot baby girl. Your daddy will be working an exercise and it runs into the conference time frame. Maybe I can pull the family together and work a way for me to go, for you. I have this need and urge that I have to go. It's only once every four years, and the following conference will be in Italy, so it will be another 8 years before it is in the US again... sometimes I just hate being so geographically far away from everything. There is so much I could do if I was closer. I will figure this out, who knows I might be able to go.
Well baby girl, I think it is a good idea for me to end this post on a good note and stop before I get on my soap box again. You know I love you right? You are my Angel and one of my true loves.
Sweet dreams Angel, I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again...
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