Hey my sweet Angel, How are you? I have been thinking about you allot, not that it ever stops, but there are times when the acheing and yerning are unbearable. I dont know why I give a rats ass about Halloween. I remember Ayden's first Halloween and he could only stand to be in his dinasour constum all of 45 min before the melt down commenced. We had fun handing out candy; if I recall, the temprature was below freezing. Not much fun for a one year old. I dreaded today, but luckily I was able to avoid it like the plague. For the first time in my life, I was excited to go to trigonometry class. How crazy does that sound? No baby girl, your mother did not suddenly develope this love for math overnight. I was happy and somewhat relieved that class was during trick or treat time. I was able to avoid the adorable bumble bee outfits, the princesses of all types, the little girls who look so adorable no matter how ugly the costume. It sounds silly, but last year when I was pregnant with you handing out candy, I had already picked out your costume. You were supposed to wear it tonight. You would have been adorable. But no, it is just another milestone on my list of a thousand milstones that will never happen, not in this lifetime. I think daddy avoided it to. The kids werent too worried about Halloween. He packed everybody up and they went out for hot chocolate and came home to watch a movie. I think that is a better alternative than celebrating a holiday that originated from death. How silly it seems to me now. But I cant deny that seeing you in your costume would have made my day complete.
As relieved as I was to have avoided Halloween, it still wasn't enough to keep me from being sad. Sad about everything, not just Halloween. It's all the holidays, experiences, firsts, and milestones that I was robbed of. I will never see you in a costume, I will never hear you laugh when you see your costume makeup for the first time. I will never get to hold your hand as we walk up to a strangers door because you are too shy to ring the door bell by yourself. I will never sit in the living room with you and dump your bag of candy on the floor as we rummage through the good stuff and toss the junk candy. But most of all, I will never see you off to your first day of kindergarten, I will never comfort you as you experience the heartbreak of your first love, I will never have the opportunity embarrass you in front of your prom date, and I will never see you in a wedding dress. Fuck costumes, they can all burn right now. When these times start to draw near I notice the changes in myself. Ive had more nightmares, restless sleep, and feelings of complete and utter defeat. School is kicking my ass youngin. I am working hard; all I want to do is set a good example for your brothers and sisters and to make you and your daddy proud of me.I feel like I am so far behind. I have done so much, but does it really count? Life counts, happiness counts, and above all family counts. I have been told since you left me that I was a strong person. I look back, and I am trying to define what strong means? I don't feel strong when I am curled up in a ball gripping on to your urn for dear life. I don't feel strong when the sound of your name can drop me to my knees. I don't feel strong when there are days when I cant even get out of bed. Chloe, I don't know. Does it make me strong that I can make it through the day in my robotic state? I thought I was doing better, or at least showing some improvement, but then these days come. These stupid ass days that are nothing but reminders of what I will never get to do with you. All because of a virus, a virus that no body talks about,the government wont fund, and the CDC wont make mandatory at prenatal appointments. CMV can suck it, I am so over it. I will find a way to right the wrong that has been done to me and our family. I know it wont bring you back, but its a small piece of justice, or at least it will feel that way. Just think of how many sweet innocent babies could be helped if only the mother's knew about this. I am so happy to have found the stop cmv action network (stopcmv.org), but I think I might start a new one, called FU_CMV.org. I wonder how many people would join? Until that day baby girl, I will keep chipping at this iceberg. You deserve that much. I only wish I could do more. Well sweet pea, its time for mommy to head to bed. Again mommy has failed to get to bed at a decent hour. I avoid that too; it's like a never ending haunted house. Only there is really death, and the house is really my life.
Just know I think of you constantly. I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again....
Mommy
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