Chloe,
I am so happy to be sitting at the computer talking to you tonight. I have missed you so- although my absence has not been in vain. You would be proud baby girl, mommy is just about done with her degree (well maybe next summer). I was still going to school when I was pregnant with you, but when you and I got sick, I had to take a year off. I think of you and how I want to make you proud of me. I want all you kids to be proud of me, to follow my example and always work hard. Your daddy is done of course- he already started his masters. Im slowly bringing up the rear. One of the last classes I took was physchology class, haha. Lets just say that mommy learned a little too much about herself. One of the classes right now that Im taking is trigonometry- BLAH! Have I told you I hate math baby girl? Well I do, and I have put it off for the last 4 years. The only thing I have taken from it so far is as follows:
It has been 8 months and 1 days since your death, since I saw you taken away from my sight.... That roughly equals to 6,480 hours since I last held you, 17,400 seconds since I kissed your little face and if I live to see 80 at this point I will die having spent 18,250 days wondering this world lost and alone without you. I dont know how to put it into words, but this is absolutley unfuckingacceptable! There is not a second that goes by that I do not wonder how you are? Is it dark? Are you alone? There is nothing I can do from here, this place. It feels awckward and grey. I cant wait to take this virus and shove it back to hell where it belongs. I so wanted to go to the CMV International Conference in a couple weeks, but like usual the Air Force and life has other plans. I think it would have been hard to go there, but something I need to do. I would wear your signature color purple, and everything would have Chloe written all over it. There is so much work to be done and I know it will take time. Your mom was just never good at being the patient one.
Monday was Infant/Child Death Rememberance Day. It was hard- hard to sleep, hard to eat, hard to wake up and so hard to walk around like it was anyother day. I was happily suprised by the few who actually knew the day and asked how I was. It was some what comforting. You were every where (like every day) but it was a day laden with meloncholy. I followed my friends and fellow grieving parents on facebook all day- so many. Just so many mommy's and daddy's who go home with empty arms, or had thier arms wrapped around thier healthy child only to have them snatched away by the clutches of fate. I talked to your Auntie Allison about that the other day- about fate. I told her how I thought fate was a minipulative ingenious bitch. She takes the worst thing that could happen to anyone and makes life almost unbearable to live and then throws these wonderful people into the mix who are also walking the same path as you. How amazingly unfortunate. It is the worst paradighm in life that I can think of.
Time is fleeting by so fast sweet girl. I choke back the tears at the thought that in just over 3 months it will be your angelversary. The moment you were born and died in the same breathe. How jacked up is that? Again, fate you are a heartless cruel bitch! If you had a junk too, I would kick it along side CMV! What do I do baby girl? That day is still a special day not because you died, but because I finally got to see your face, hold your tiny fingers and toes in my hand, and rock you in that rocking chair in the hospital. You were lifeless but it still felt right, it felt like I needed to. Would you feel me rocking you some where or wherever you are? I just cant wrap my head around this. I cant believe that these were the cards our family was dealt. We have had to endure so much over the last year- will it ever end?
Your brothers and sisters are doing well, they miss you so much too. Alina wrote me a sweet card to tell me that you and I will be together again. I love how she has such sweet memories of you. Ayden always says "Goo-nigh Choeee" when I tuck him into bed. He kisses your hand that I wear around my neck. Its a special time when i put him to bed and read him a book. It feels like you and him are together with me, and I am reading a bed time story to both of you. You are around my neck close to my heart and your big brother is on my lap and you are both soaking up every word that I say. You both are like little sponges!
Im sorry I havent written in a couple weeks baby. It has been so busy, and I wish I could write to you every night. Time seems like a luxury that I never have so when I have the slightest break to sit down and pour my heart and soul out to you I always do. You are my world, I just wish your world and my world collided at some point. Then I can be your mommy just as I should be and this horrible world would no longer exist. Well baby girl, that is enough for tonight. I also look forward to those times when I can fall asleep and see you in my dreams. Maybe one day they wont be nightmares of what happened but of thoughts and dreams of watching you grow into a young woman. In my mind you are just as breath taking as the day you were born.
I will see you soon. I love you, I miss you, unitl I hold you again....
Mommy
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