Ahh hell....

Ah hell Chloe,
I should be doing homework, reading, math, essays- you name it. I cant, I just cant do it tonight. I wanted to spend time with you. I need to.... I started my morning the way I always hate- waking up from a nightmare. I havent had one in a while. Might be the sleep med (natural) but usually I actually never make it to my REM cycle because the stupid dog need to go out and pee at 3 am. Well last night he didnt need to go I guess because I slept all the way through. It's a bitch to finally get a full nights sleep only to wake up having a nightmare. It's the usual kind baby girl. You know, the one where there is death and the death revolves around one of my children. The scene was not unusual, I was taking your big brother to work with me. What was unusual were the people. I was at work, but none of these people were my co-workers. This was creepy from the beginning. I had your brother on my hip, we walked over to where a group were standing to find out what the plan for the day was.  A man I dont know (supposidly coworker) asked to hold your brother and as he was holding him he proceeded to throw him literally across a room in to a glass table. At first when I watched him land my dream showed me very vividly that his head was taken off. When I ran over screaming to him, it was there but he was in and out of consciousness. The rest of the dream was me running around trying to find the hopital and every turn, elevator or room was the wrong one. It was like one of those dreams where you are running, but everything is in slow motion. I woke up horrified of course. I was suprised that I had a nightmare like this. I was kind of happy that they seemed to have gone away. There is only one comfort for me, and that is the comfort knowing that you will never have to suffer through these horrible thoughts, feelings, and nightmares. You truly are too pure for this earth. I dont want to leave this time with you like this. The happy news is your brothers and sisters are doing really well. School is going well for them and Ayden is doing great with his potty training. Daddy is working extra long hours this week, but it wont be forever. He is doing what he does best, and that is being such a wonerful provider for the family. I know he misses your terribly. I miss you so unbearably. The longing that I have to be your mother hurts so bad. I will wait my time, I will try to be patient. I just cant believe you are not here. I hope wherever you are that you think of me and know that I will find my way back to you. you wont be without me forever, though it may feel that way. I will end this now Angel, it is time for your momma to hit the sack.
You know I am always here- I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.

mommy