Silent Night

Chloe,
Christmas has come and gone. I thought I would be doing allot worse, but I think it is all masked by the numbness. The house is quiet-too quiet. The only children in the house is your brother Ayden. The other children are gone this christmas break. I hate how quiet the house is, like it echoes with every breathe I take. I dont know how to feel, what to feel, what to do, or how to do it. I just wander through the days keeping myself overwhelmingly busy, so at least maybe I can keep the emptiness from taking over. Your first christmas has come and gone. I wish I could have seen your eyes light up with the twinkel of all the christmas lights. I hung a stocking for you, nothing fancy, but it has a "C" embroidered on red velvet. On the christmas tree I hung a ornament of pink baby shoes that say in that cliche way- "babies first chirstmas". I tried to include you as much as I could, but at the end of the day when I head to bed, your still gone, your still dead, you will never know what christmas is. Christmas is signifigant not just because of the holiday, but becuase in 30 days exactly it will be your birthday, or death day, or whatever day it is. It is pretty much the day I died. I am not looking foward to the next couple of months. What a crock of shit this has turned out for us. Your daddy makes holidays so special though. He can cook up the best food, the house  always smells like heaven while he is in the kitchen. I cleaned house most of the day to bet ready for company. It was a nice small gathering of your grandpa and aunt Samie and your cousin Damien. It's hard to look at the christmas tree and wonder why I even put it up at all. I know your brothers and sisters love it, but now I know that a tree is not important. The fragile short time with my children is what is important. I will put on my brave face and I will  make everything as memorable as I can for them, but it kills me. I'm still dying a little more everyday. I dont know when it started hitting me. I started the day off well, so I thought, but I feel it again, or should I say I feel nothing again. The numbness, the emptiness, I didnt even realize I was hurting until the end of the night. The end where I had used all my energy up holding back the tears, missing you, and keeping my smile on my face that I was exhausted by the end of the night. Is every christmas going to feel this way? Will I always feel as empty as your stocking hanging on the wall. I could be sitting around our tree with all of your brothers and sisters, your auties, cousins, grandpa opening all the presents and it will still feel like there is something missing. The void in the room is there, but nobody talks about it.
I know this next month will be hard, probably the hardest month yet. Does it ever get any easier baby girl? When will I be able to feel something other than pain, anger, sometimes even hate. But through all of the agony, how can I feel the most profound love for you? I get so confused, so frustrated. Your daddy knew something was wrong last night, I know I dont have to tell him, but he so sweet and asks anyway. "I miss her too baby",  I know he does. I know he misses you so much.
Well baby girl, I will end this one short tonight. There is not enough slamming on this keyboard I could possibly do to make this pain any less real than it already is. Can we meet up in my dreams tonight? I have a present for you, I only wish I could give it to you the way I should be able to.
I love you Angel, more than you will ever comprehend. Thank you for the snow on christmas baby.
Until I hold you again,

Mommy