Chloe,
I have battled back and forth with what I have wanted to say to you. I am all over the place. I was hoping I would handle this holiday crap better, but I am not. I feel like the grinch and all I want to do is hide in bed and wait for it all to be over. Soon the 25th of December will come and exactly a month later on 25 January it will be your birthday or deathday. How do you say that in one word? You would be 1, the most important birthday of all. How will I spend that day? Oh I dont know, I might just scream at every person I walk by about how thier life is better than mine. How they have children to spend this time with. I know, it sounds stupid. I am spinning out of control, I can feel it. My entire body is hurting everywhere but my mind is numb, it's like I have tuned the world out. This was how it was a year ago. The beginning of the end as I refer to it. Your Angels were hard at work again doing some awarenss and fund raising at the hospital craft bizzaar. It is so weird to me that I get so excited about these events and I enjoy them while I am there, but for days afterwards I am emotionally and physically uncontrollable. Since then it seems that I have been on a downward spiral to another dark time. Afterall, around here I may see the sun for 4-5 hours, why not live in the dark? I can become a hermit and never leave the house. I could wear my pj's all day long and not give a rats ass. What a great idea huh? No, I know it's not, but it is really the only thing I want to do. I have been feeling sick, I have stomach pains, Im weak and fatigued, and I know it's because your gone. My nights are becoming more restless and I wish this would all pass. I walk around work with dizzy spells and I know I am not hiding this well at all. How could I? My precious baby is gone. I feel more hopeless and sad that I have in a while. The feelings are always there, but now it feels like I am getting ready to go to the hospital again, to meet you, kiss your little face. Your cold, life-less face. I wonder every second of everyday what you would be doing right now. Smiling? running around? playing dress up? Your mommy has never been good at the girly thing, but for you I would have bought you the entire Barbie collection and I would have played with you for hours. Whatever you wanted babygirl, I would be at your becon call. I just wish I knew where you were, this isnt how it's supposed to be. Im your mother, I should know where you are at all times, but to not even have the choice- it kills me everyday.
The mystery of life after death is killing me. Are you somewhere warm? Is it dark? Can you feel anything? Are you alone? Do you know who I am, and if you saw me again would you run to me? So many unanswered questions, it's such a jacked up way to live.
I want nothing more than to leave this place behind and live somewhere else. I know this will not fix everything, but maybe it would be enought to get me out of this funk. No matter where I go that fucking virus CMV will follow. There is not enough funk in this world that could keep me from getting the word out about this horrible virus. Children suffer, babies dies and parents are left to make sense of it all. This is absolutly unsat! Maybe if we get transferred to ever state and country with an Air Force base before me and Daddy retire maybe I will be able to get the world out there enought that the medical community will listen. I am so tired of meeting people in medicine, healing people, and saving lives that have no fucking clue what CMV is. If I hear that CMV is "not a currently not a threat" I will kick someone in the face hole. Hey Doc, I have a great idea-let's wait to do something until the virus has complely consumed everything and then maybe we should give a shit. I call it the "after the fact approach" or let's just call it what it is- fucking lazy ass ignorance. I have been trying to set up a gift wrapping fund raiser, but time is running out and your brothers and sisters have performances here, activities there, and homework out the ears I have to remember where the priorities lie, but if I can squeeze it in, you know I will.
Well baby, it's time for me to go. Much to do and headed off to start my second job! (laundry ;0)
I love you, I miss you, until I see you again.
Mommy
No comments:
Post a Comment