Oh Chloe, here I am! I feel like I need to scream it to you so you know that I am constantly looking for you. It has been so lonely and buys and crazy around her, I just needed a bit to sit and talk with my favorite girl. I have been taking part in a facebook page called "Capture your grief". Turns out I think I have been neglecting my grief for a bit because I am more and more exhausted as the days go on. I have cried everyday for you for the last 2 weeks. There are other reasons, not just the page, but it makes me miss you more. Looking at the pictures of other babies gone too soon and seeing all the other mommies and daddies in pain and emptiness always pulls at the heart strings. It's looking at things like that and talking about it that I realize that I am still very much in my grief infancy. My birthday has come and gone, always a hard day to "celebrate" since that was the day I found out I was pregnant with you. Can we go back to that day? I like my birthday better then. The feeling of finding out that you were there and we would be starting that journey. I like that particular day because it was just you and me, we had no idea that the journey would turn so tragic. We had never heard of CM-fucking V and we were not spending countless hours at the hospital and countless needles go into my arms. It was a innocent time. A beautiful time. Although short lived, I wish I could visit that moment, I cherish it so. So today was a red lipstick day (actually all week). I hardly have any make-up on but I put red lipstick on- the kind that says I may be a mess, but I'm going to make it look damn good. After that was done, nothing would be complete without putting some glitter on my nails. This life might be kicking my ass, but Ill make it look good for you baby girl. I don't care what commercials say- waterproof mascara doesn't work when your a grieving mom. I should make a brand and I will call it "Chloe's get your ass out of bed mascara" It would have to be made from glue to stay on my face, Ill just cry it off eventually.
Not everything is bad Chloe Angel. Your brothers and sisters are doing really well in school. Your daddy got me a new puppy for my birthday. My runs have gotten pretty intense lately that he felt I needed a running partner since no one else can keep up. You would have- I pictured it before as you grew into a young woman. All the things we could together, running, swimming, hiking. Taking in God's green earth. I never thought you would become part of it, at least not before me. I have learned in my time without you, that life is not fair, it's not just, its not all ponies and champagne. It's just life. I dont like the term "shit happens", but I do see that I am not in control anymore. I dont like this. I have the hardest time and I have yet to "accept" that I dont have control. All I am saying is that eventually that will be something I will have to figure out. I am warning you though, I might be on my death bed before I let it go.
I have been trying to get in touch with the local CMV peeps here, but I am having little luck. I miss my support network and family in Alaska in that regard. I have a little time here, but when we move again next year I will be full throttle kicking the shit out of CMV. Daddy misses you baby girl, we both do. I think we need to have a "Chloe Combat" day. Your dad and I have Monday off together while everyone else is at school. I think there is a mountain we need to climb and scream at the top of our lungs how much we hate CMV, but also tell the world how much we love you (as if you didnt know).
Well baby, I have to finish another assignment, my classes this term are almost done. Because of you your momma is about to have her Bachelors next term. Take that CMV! I will live my life as if you are here next to me, just because you were not given the chance. Thank you for getting my ass in gear babe. I love you sweet girl. Until I hold you again.
Mommy
Oh and FU CMV!!
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