I am still here...

It has been so long Chloe, I am so sorry I have not written. Life has been so crazy busy I am not sure exactly where to begin. I guess I'll start by asking you if you know I love you? Have I told you how much I miss you? I know I have, but it doesn't seem like it's ever enough. Your brothers and sisters are back to school now. Everyone is having a great time so far. Ayden went to preschool- it broke my heart a bit. He was so happy and I was so proud of him, but you should be there too. At least you would have been able to come home with me. I feel like all the little chicks are flying the nest. I know it's just school, but now there are no "wee ones" in the house. Everyone is growing up so fast.
Texas is nice and warm, the sun feels great. I am almost done with school now, so mommy is back at her studying. After this term I only have three classes to go. Seems crazy to me because I have been going to school for so long. I wont stop there though, I am going to keep going once I get my Bachelors. It's important for me to finish this, and to complete my certificate after and go on to my Master's. I want to not only make myself and your Daddy proud, but I want to be an example for you kids. How can I preach about college if I never did it? or finished? I hope you are proud of me.
When I have more time I will tell you about are trip down the Alaska Highway. You would have had so much fun, even your brother and sisters had a blast! Everyone was so good and we did so many things. There is so much beautiful things in this world I wish you could have experienced. Like your first ice cream cone, playing in the sprinkler, getting gum stuck in your hair, your first fish you would have caught, your first time riding a bike, your first school dance, your first kiss, and of course your first day off to college. So many dreams I had for you- dreams that I still have for you.  You big big brother Nicolas, is such a book worm. He reads so well and has such a knack for technology. Alina is my little studious child. She cracks me up when she does her work. She is so meticulous and bright that her teachers are always so impressed with the quality of work she does in school. She aspires to be a nurse and is an amazing artist. She has drawn such adorable pictures of you since you have left us. Bella is sharp- she is a perfectionist with her work and she works hard. She has such a deep love for animals like I did at her age. She aspires to be a veterinarian and it would be something that would come so natural to her because she loved them so much. She has a hard time accepting the fact that vets put animals down too, but I have to help her understand that more often than not a vet is taking away a very painful and irreversible problem and giving them rest. Ayden is so rambunctious! He will indeed be a very athletic child. Like Bella he is so sharp with everything. He picks up and learns fast and usually only needs to be shown once. It's still too early to foresee his path (or what I think it will be) but for now I am just so happy to see him grow.
Then there is you. You would be 19 months on the 25th. No doubt you would be walking by now, your hair would be as curly as your mom's and you would have the greenest eyes. In my mind you are this happy child that is always smiling and making everyone laugh. You fill the room with so much warmth.  When I think of you it is like you have a glow about you. Something about you calms my soul and makes me feel at peace. It's when these thoughts are gone and I am back to the daily grind that I miss this peace. It's hard to find it when my thoughts are so preoccupied. These thoughts can be so clouded by the dark memories of how you died- the fading of your heartbeat and the most horrible sight of you being taken away from me. I miss you.
Until I can hold you again, I will try my best to fill my mind and my heart with your glow. I have much to do and I may not always be able to get to my computer but I love you. I am always thinking of you.  So baby  girl, until I can talk to you again, I love you, I miss you... forever yours.


Mommy