So glad the holidays are over.....

Chloe, is it strange that I am glad the holidays are over? The merriment, the jolly, the general happiness is gone. I miss it, I do, but it doesn't seem right without you here. We spent our time in Colorado with daddy's family, which is always a good time. Your not there though. Your brothers and sisters had a blast running around the farm, feeding the chickens, and chasing the donkeys. You would have had a ball chasing after them.
I haven't been active much with CMV lately, not because I have stopped. School has got me quite busy and I tried to reach out to see if there was anyone in El Paso doing the same thing, but I have not heard back. Pouring myself into school has only been a temporary fix for a deep rooted loneliness. I have gotten worried about how to spend my time after I graduate on the 23rd. I am going to take some additional classes, but the extensive work is pretty much done. I have been pondering what my next goal is going to be. I told you I was going to get my degree before your 2nd birthday. Done, two days before even! I don't know what to do next. We will be moving again in 5 months, daddy and I are looking at buying a house, and I will be working full time again..... Luckily we are moving to the first state that has legislative law about CMV. There are plenty of CMV mommies there that I have already talked to. I will be getting more involved there for sure.
I think if I hear one more "Happy New Year!" I might just have to slap a douche. January is not a month of new beginnings, new life, or new years resolutions. I know I am not the only mother feeling the dread of the new year. It's another year gone by without you and the countdown to your Angelversary. I still cannot believe you died two years ago. Where the fuck does the time go? In some ways it seems like it has been a lifetime, and in other ways its like I saw you die yesterday. I don't like the games time plays on me. I gave fellow mommy Allison a text the other day. She lost her two babies only days after they were born. Her baby boy first on the 8th and her baby girl followed on the 12th. Two gone, I cannot imagine. One is painstakingly hard enough. Give Shelby and Dalton my love and hug them and kiss them. I wish it didn't have to be this way.
We begin moving yet again in about five months. I think my heart is so restless, its like I'm ready to move again. Six months apparently is enough. It's not a bad place here, I just feel like Im moving in slow motion or like I'm living in that movie "Ground Hog Day". Everything repeats itself over and over. The hurt doesn't get better, the pain doesn't go away. Fake smile here, a hug or two there and no matter what, the night and day start the same. I wake up missing you and I go to bed dying because I made it another day without you. Somebody kill me please. I have no idea what to do for your birthday this year. We did random acts of kindness last year, but I always love doing those. I usually like your birthday to be a quite day where I spend time alone, but your death day falls on a weekend this year, so I will have to be extra "happy" so the family will be ok. I will get a little cake for your brothers and sisters, they like to celebrate you and I think it is so sweet. I think I might get some gifts to take to the hospital near the house. I can get a couple different age groups. Maybe one for a girl and one for a boy. I think it would be nice to see children enjoy presents that I wish I could buy for you.
Sorry Angel, I know it has taken me a week to work on this one. This week has been extra difficult and my assignments are not letting up and everything is due by next Friday to finish my degree. I am exhausted! My mind is all over the place. No matter how long I am gone from here, you know that I love you. I can only wait in this life until I can hold you again, but until then I love you, I miss you.

Love,
Mommy