You are in a box.....

Angel,
I started packing up the house slowly....I started with your trinckets, dolls, and our gifts from the hospital. It was strange, I felt like I was packing "you" into a box. Your urn stays where it always does next to the bed. It still is hard to take in that you are in a box. A stone box that you will stay in forever unless something crazy happens. I wont open the box, there better not be one speck of ash missing from where you rest now. I wish you were here to help me pack. Your nursery (now the guest room) is staring me in the face. I have left your clothes hanging in my closet next to my clothes and I will pack those in my suitcase. It would be like we are sharing a suitcase together. I am batteling with what to do with the baby swing, bouncer, tub, and baby carrier. I had held onto most of it from when I had your brother, and now its still in your room. Just taking up space. This is eating me up- do I save all these things that I may never use again? I know it is just "stuff", but it is so hard to part with anything that is linked to you and even your brother. If I got rid of all the extra baby stuff would it confirm that this is indeed the end of my child bearing? That I will never have a baby again? I cant even tell you if that is  a good thing or a bad thing. I still am unsure of how I feel about having another baby. It's all so hard....
Your mommy and our miss K have been busy with CMV stuff. You would be happy to hear that we gave public testimony regarding why we thing CMV should be added to the conditions to recieve early childhood intervention services. (I forget the long official title) but this will more than likely go through. I hate this virus so much, why? why? why? I will never understand why any of this happened to us. I will never understand why I got the virus and why I could'nt fight it off. Our Dr. T. asked me if I intentionally meant to cause your death? I said of course not- She asked me then how can I blame myself and be responsible? I see her point, but it is so fucking disturbing that I didnt know about this virus. I wasnt even given a chance to change the path we were on. I wasnt given the knowledge to protect you and this could have been avoided. This is the frustrating thing- I know I shouldnt blame myself , but there is no one else! How fucking frustrating! CMV can kiss my ass and I will be working and taking every fiber of my being to kick your ass to the curb and win this war I have waged against you. I just wish it was something that wasnt such a long process. All in time, I just need to find patience, or learn to have some. I miss you baby, I wish you were here to coo and giggle in my face. Ill even take one of those snotty oozy drooly kisses. Anyway doll, it's back to life, this unbearable life without you. I miss you, I love you, until I hold you again.....

Mommy