Hey there blue eyes,
Today is 14 months since you left me. 14 months since I held you tiny baby hand and kissed your baby cheeks. Normally I would forget details about memories that were this long ago. Maybe the colors, peoples faces, smells, but not you Angel. I must admit that I still feel like it happened yesterday. Some nights I wake up thinking that it really did happen yesterday.  I have had some interesting dreams lately. Miss Teresa says it is my PTSD surfacing. There is always tragedy and death, but now it is not as gory or bloody like before. She says this is a posative thing- that my patterns of thought are changing. You were in one of my dreams. You were dead, just like all the other dreams, but I carried you around like I didnt know you were. I went through all the motions of being a Mom and acted as if you were a breathing, healthy baby. This dream doesnt really bother me, it actually gives me a sense of peace- a false sense of peace, but peace non the less. This last dream was me pulling dead bodies out of a crashed helicopter I was flying in. There was no blood though- it was really strange because these bodies were just flat. It was really odd to me, I woke up bewildered by these bodies and how they looked. That seems to be my theme; bodies, dead ones and there is always something piculiar about them. Detailed marks, colors and smells that leave me either anxious, scared, or craying. I have to tell you what I did a couple weeks ago. I held a baby for the first time since I held you. This was a sweet baby girl and of course she had blue eyes. Maybe 8 weeks old, very sweet and preicious- just like you were. I just felt I should do it, I had a impulse to do it. I thought I would feel sad, upset maybe even cry a little. I longed for you like I always do, but I felt an emotion that I never expected to feel. I felt completly devestated by guilt. I felt guilty for holding this perfect child. It was as if I was betraying you- this is what I am rationalizing in my mind. I have no idea why I felt that way, but I couldnt stop thinking about it for weeks now. You know I love you right? That you are my one and only baby girl? After I gave her back to her mom, I was very quiet and solem the rest of the day.  I thought of you endlessly, and I wish that it was you being passed around.  I am trying to understand this emotion that overwhelmed me, but for the life of me I cant figure it out. It has to be because I fear that I would hurt your feelings. You could never be replaced. I love you so much, I am dying a little bit more each day. i am getting better at staying positive though. I think of you and I dont want you to see how I behave sometimes. I dont want you to be dissapointed or embarassed by my irrational and immature moments of weakness where I cant stand the thought of you not being with me. I love you Angel, it's time for me to go, but you know how much I miss you.
Until I hold you again.....

Mommy