Ground Hog Day

Chloe,
God how Ive missed you, I know I havent written in a while. It's always an adventure in the Perry household. I woke up realizing that in a few short months we will be gone away from this place on to our new adventure. I still have mixed emotions about this. We are making all these changes without you. I want to leave this place, but yet I feel this sense of you in everything. Threre is piles upon piles and a closet full of baby clothes, toys and gadgets that I am spinning in my mind about what to do with. Im not paking up a nursery, I am packing up a place where we keep all the things that would have made a nursery. Instead a spare bed and dresser fill the empty space we needed to fill. I still hate going into that room. I cant help but wonder when we leave this place if I am going to be ok? This is where I was born and raised, but since losing you it has not felt like home at all. It almost feels like this alternate universe of a constant zombie like state where I go through the motions of everyday like that movie "Ground Hog Day". I am on auto pilot and I always know what to expect because nothing ever changes. I guess in this state of life and death that that is a good thing. If anything was out of wack it might send me into a death spiral of fucking crazy. (More so than I am already).  I have been feeling better, the sun is out longer, the days have more daylight and the snow is starting to melt with the warmer temprature. Soon everything will have a stentch of dog poop as the ground thaws and the snow is completly gone. Then right before we pack up the truck and drive off, it will be green and beautiful again. I am optimistic that the drive will be nice. You will have a front seat view next to me. I have spent countless hours thinking of where you will be on this move. Most mom's worry about car seats, Im trying to think of a place for your urn. I died just thinking about putting you in a box like our house hold goods- who does that? I cant believe I actually have to fucking think about where to place you? You will be next to me, front seat so I can squeeze you the whole time we drive. It would be as if you were bright eyed looking out the window at the world for the first time. At least in my mind this is what it will be like, a dream; this is what my life has evolved to. Never in my life have my dreams been so vivid and so detailed. When I dream of you the world is crystal clear like I am looking through a high definition photo lense. Looking at the world through my eyes in my everyday the vision is distorted, my astigmatism is really bad. I love the clarity I see with you in it. You look so angelic, like a porcelean doll, but a vision of me, your mother. I hope you know that I think of you with everything I do. I hope you know that I live only to hold you again, I will wait, I will find patience. I must because I need you.
Keep your mother in your heart, I need you more than you will ever know. I love you Angel, I miss you so much. Until I hold you again.....

Mommy