I miss you still as much as ever. I write to you today in a far better mood than what it was the last month or so in my very dark place. I feel better knowing spring is coming around and knowing that soon this place will be in our rear view mirror. I must admit that I feel guilty though, smiling, laughing, being as "happy" as I can be. It is a far cry from the bubbly relaxed woman I used to be. I cant get over the fact that I am home, where I was born and raised, yet it feels like this strange far off land and I feel so uncomfortable here. I cant explain this. All I know is that you are everywhere. Reminders of what I had and lost are around every corner of this place. I see you in every little blond hair blue eyed toddler learning how to take her first new steps. I smile and yet I die inside at the same time. It is such an overwhelming feeling. I feel a sense of joy and happiness for those mothers and fathers, but yet I am completly shattered about the fact that is is not my life. Stupid, I know. I cant help but wonder if you would have pigtails by now. Would I put ribbons in your hair every morning? Would you fight me tooth and nail to get dressed. Would you be screaming no and me while throwing food at my face. Oh Chloe, you have no idea how much I would love to fight back with you, hear you scream no at me. We could have a good fight together and I would cry laughing so hard. You are my everything, even in death. Nothing can erode this bridge of love that I am crossing over and over again to try to get to you. It sometimes seems hopeless, but I do it day in and day out.
I feel myself gaining strength from the daylight returning. The winters here are long and dark and it really gets to me by the February. If you were here Im sure I wouldnt be having that problem. All the diapers, sleep deprivation, baths, crying, laughing, singing, and kissing. That would be the light in my dark. I cant believe how much time has flown by. You have been gone almost 13 months. I never liked math and having that constant counter of how long you have been gone is killing me. I dont care if it gets better with time (I think that is bullshit by the way), but I feel so far away from you.
You would be happy to know babygirl that there is good movement in the CMV world. The Utah house of reps has had a hearing on screening for CMV and screening newborns in that state. It's not approved yet, but I am very optimistic that 2013 will be a great year for CMV progress as well as a far better year than 2012. I still wish I could do more. I feel like I never do eough, but I am so glad that there are others to drive it like they stole it.
Well sweet girl, this one is short. Between sick kids, homework, work, and your daddy working longer hours I only had a moment. You know I think of you every second of every day. There is nothing, not even death that can keep me from loving you to the moon and back.
I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.
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