As he grows and grows and all his little baby clothes are of no use to him it hurts my heart. My baby boy is become a preschooler, soon diapers will be gone, independence will take hold, and he will not have much use for me anymore. But there was supposed to be you there. To keep me in that priceless age of a child; the innocence of simple bubbles bringing you into a laughing tizzy. The simple pleasures in life that make a young child smile for no reason. I need that right now, I think my inner child is leaving. I just pray that it is not replaced by a bitter old woman. My 30th birthday approaches in 20 days, I keep trying to forget. It really doesn't mean much to me at this point. You would be almost 8 months at that point, it scares me how fast time goes by. I feel so behind in my grief like I will forever be floating in this dreaded world of pain and loss. God I miss you. The thought of you not being here and the reality that I am to walk this world alone without you kills me. Its the worst thing to have a child die, to bury you child, to find ways to live tolerably in this life. But to never know why, and to know that there will never be an answer for that stupid ass 3 letter word is even more unbearable. You know how hard it is for me sweetie, you know I blame myself for you, that I couldn't protect you, and what this whole family has had to go through.
Your daddy and I were watching a movie last night and it had these two young brothers running on the beach playing the surf. Without so much as another breathe I started balling on the couch like a baby. It was like I was watching you and Ayden playing together like that, living in those beautiful moments that make childhood so great. These memories that I have made up in my mind that will never come true. Your daddy keeps talking about baby number 3. I have to admit baby girl that it petrifies me. To go through it all again with such high hopes, only to lose another, and to have it be all my fault again. When I think about it I sometimes feel guilty, like I would be betraying you as my daughter by having another child. No other child could replace you, but would you know that? Would you understand that mommy and daddy love you just as much as all of your brothers and sisters? I know this may sound childish, but I cant help but think about how you are feeling, what would you think if I were holding another baby in my arms rocking , kissing, and singing lullabies to? I'm still very much in a place where I cannot make this decision. I think it might be years before I can even think it as a possibility.
Until then I will keep working on your cause, spreading you glow around, and protecting other mothers and babies from this horrible life. I will never know a life without this pain, that life is gone now. But its you that gives me the strength to protect others. I am excited to have a CMV meeting with our Karen. She is going to be such a big help and such a inspiration to keep doing good and to keep fighting the fight. I hope one day when I get to hold you again, you can be proud to say that I am your mommy. There isn't a day that goes by that you are not mentioned to someone. I do not have 4 kids, I have 5- make no mistake just because she is not here on my hip that she is not here in my heart. I love you baby girl, you know I miss you, I wish I could have done better.
Well my lovely angel, I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.....
Mommy
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