It's that time again- the time where I have built up so much emotion over a short amount of time that I have to get it out to you. I just have to get it out. Your Daddy is funny, he always asks why I cant talk to him like I can pound on this keyboard so easily. I never really thought about it until now. I guess its because I feel I need to tell you these things, even the dark and clouded feelings of death. I have to because I have to justify why I didn't protect you, why I couldn't save you, why you are gone now. I have hit the ultimate low these past couple of weeks. I didn't realize it until now, but I haven't dealt with your death. I'm not really sure what that exactly means. Acceptance is out of the question! If I ever heard that I could potential pull a gun on that person. How can I "accept" that my daughter is gone? How can I just accept that this is my life now? This is it, and there is no changing it. The only thing that has changed is me. I keep getting told I need to "work through this", OK great, but what exactly does "work through this mean"? Is it like an exercise that I repeat over and over again? Is it something where I can just eat a bowl of ice cream and it will all just go away. Working through this is the most unbearable , frustrating, painful, lonely, and dark I have ever felt in my life. To add the cherry on top of my ice cream, your still not here, your room is still empty (even with furniture in it), and my heart is still bleeding. The shock has worn off and the reality of grief has set in. How strange, you left me over 6 months ago. Why now? I am taken back by emotions I felt in the hospital room, the pain, the frigid cold, the hallow words of people I didn't know. There were loving words my Chloe, but nothing could take your lifeless body and make it warm. There were no words at all, I have just stopped talking all together.
I feel like you left yesterday, maybe hours ago, even minuets ago. That's how raw all the emotions I feel are. Over the past 6 months my goal was to wake up and be able to smile, I did that and I think I did it too well. I was avoiding this..... and now here it is- like it or not. Now my goal is to have more good days then bad days. I get shaken easy, the thought that everything I love will eventually die plays in my mind like a carousel. All good things eventually will come to and end, but why did you come to and end? You didn't even have a beginning. You were a book and all I could put on the cover was your name. I thumb through pages and pages of blank canvas. I don't know how to "deal with this" baby girl. It just doesn't make sense, and when I stop trying to make sense of it, then I get angry. I know I must face this, that I must find ways to cope with my new life....I don't like it. I do what I can by thinking that you are worthy of every emotion I am feeling and the ones that are still yet to come. Tomorrow is your walk to remember at the hospital, the same one you were born at. I will deliver the baby blankets to the same place you were born, and walk by the room I gave birth to you in. That in itself is extremely emotional. Your brothers and sisters will be walking tomorrow. We will all have our Chloe T-shirts on, I am hoping many will ask "What is CMV"? There is so much I have going on with your work, I am trying not to do too much at once, but it is hard when it is all I can do to feel like your mother. Normally I would care for you 24/7, I feel like I have so much time to make up for. You will be featured at a benefit dinner in Ohio next month. I am very excited that there will be so many eyes reading about you. I wish I had a story to write about how you are sitting up, rolling over, crawling, taking your first steps, graduating high school, getting married, having babies... I could go on forever. But it is not to be, I will not see you through those milestones. Everything happened in the wrong order, you should have buried me, not the other way around. I will continue to write for you, to love you, be your mother. Each milestone brings a sadness now. Your birthday approaches soon, my birthday next month. I don't care about mine, it was the day I found out I was pregnant with you. My 30th birthday can fuck off. I'm OK with that. I love you so much, more and more everyday, its hard to explain how you can love someone that is gone, that you only know briefly and you never said a word, but it doesn't matter- I just love you.
Well baby doll, its time for me to go, I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.....
Mommy
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