I know it has only been a week, but it feels like ages since I have talked to you. I will not give you an excuse like "Im too busy" or "I just dont have time". It is so much deeper than a frugal excuse. You probably already know the real reason. That it just still hurts, i should be talking to you every day as I rock you to sleep in what should have been your nursery across the hall from me and your Dad's room. How lonely that room is now. I have chosen a song and everytime I hear it I have to fight back the tears. This song has now become my ring tone. It's the song by The Band Perry called "If I Die Young". It is a simple song, but in those words it touches the deepest part of you in me. How I wish I could have layed you in satin and put you to rest in a river. I should have sent you away with a love song, not watched two strangers in suits carry you out of my sight it what appeared to be a gym bag. You were so tiny in that huge bag. I remember everything so vividly in my memory. The man that zipped the bag up had a black suit, tie, blue shirt. The watch he wore on his arm was really large. I remember this because I wanted to rip his arm off as soon as his zipped you up, you were in there, but gone. It was so surreal. No one should say goodbye to thier child that way. A love song would have been much more fitting for you. Instead it was cold, almost seemed silent. If people were talking I dont remember. I was the last to hold you, I placed you in that stupid fucking bag and I hate myself for it. I hate everything about this now, the bag, how frozen it was becase it was left in the hurst at 30 below zero, the hospital, this stupid virus that nobody knows about. Well not for long, I cant stand this shit anymore. You were so precious, you still are precious. I hate myself for watching those two men turn the corner out of the room and carry you away. Why didnt I run after them, why didnt I chase them down and take you back? This has to be a dream, this cannot be real. CMV cannot exist and I should not know this pain.
Your airshow CMV awareness booth was a success sweet Angel. You raised over 800$ in 2 days. I have never heard your name so much at one time and the fact that they were complete strangers made it all the better. How sad it was at the same time, I only met one famiy that had been affected by CMV, a young boy named Aiden. How fitting that Ayden is also your big brothers name. Two days your Daddy and I stood out there with your two aunties and Grandma and Grandpa and we only met 3 people who had heard of it. I know I didnt reach everybody, but I was told about 250,000 people were there in attendance. If only I had a microphone, every 500,000 pairs of ears would have heard me scream CMV from the top of my lungs. The week leading up to the air show was busy, stressfull and exhausting. After all was said and done I cried, hard. Probably the hardest I cried since you left my arms. I pulled your keepsakes out; your hand and feet molds, your name card from the hospital, the only clothes you wore for 16 hours. I laid them out and curled up in a ball on the floor and cried. I need to, I felt like it was the only way to get close to you. Images of you passing in my mind and I would cry harder as I remember holding you after you had been cleaned and clothed back in my arms. When you were born I was the first one to hold you; you were still warm, sweet and angelic. After you had been taken I finally had you placed again in my arms to find your lifeless body cold as ice...reality struck yet again. I was proud of our accomplishments at the air show, but those accomplishments and feeling of pride are always followed close behind by anger and frustration. I shouldnt be at the air show like this, this table shouldnt exist, this virus shouldnt exist, but my daughter should! Why? This stupid ass question is all I have....why? There is never an answer. At least not one I want to hear.
I will carry this pain for you baby girl, I have the confusing rationalization that I am glad I can carry this burden for you. My selfish motherly insticts still wish you were here though. In your sweet name baby girl, we will accomplish what we set out to do.
I love you sweet Angel, God knows how much I do, and soon the world will know as well.
I love you, I miss you, unitl I hold you again...
Mommy
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