Hello sweet girl,
I know its been a little while, you wouldn't believe how busy mommy has been. You will be making your grand appearance at the Air Show on base next weekend. I couldn't be more thrilled to share you with anyone and everyone. Its been a hard week.I have teared up allot, cried, and hated the world yet again. There is this lingering of pain waiting to burst. I know its coming, and I know why it's there. On the 25th, it will be your 6 month "Angelversary". 6 months, I cannot even to begin to tell you how much I miss you, how far away you feel. Its been 6 months since I held you in my arms. It just fucking sucks. That's all I can say. It wont get any better, it will only add up. More time will go by, more pain will surface. All it will encompass if the time I lived without you in my life, my arms, in my home. Its all yours, your life, your arms, your home. So why are you not here? To push through it baby girl, I have done many things with your name on it. For the air show I ordered t- shirts. Black with purple writing. To keep your touch on everything I made sure your tiny hand print is on them. Its about you anyway, so you will be on it all. I also had awareness bracelets made, green and blue for the colors of CMV, but I had the writing done in purple- your name on it of course. This work has helped a little. It has made me more driven to do your message, to keep you close. To find a way to still be your mom, even though the simple things like dressing you in the morning will not happen. Your big brother keeps me especially busy. He is funny, I picture you two would have been one in the same. He has developed a very profound attitude. "No", seems to be bulk of his vocabulary and he now has learned to scream at me when I do something he doesn't like. He is so spirited, so alive. That's how you will be. I know it- you had your mother written all over you. I long to hear your shrills of excitment and your cries of frustration so I can come and hold you, to make it all better.
On your Angelversary, your daddy and I will be gone on a trip to the middle of nowhere Alaska. It just happened to fall on that day, maybe it was always supposed to fall on that day. I wont be doing anything to celebrate that day, but I will be doing something to celebrate you. Your CMV awareness booth at the air show is going to be great. I know you will send people my way. I have got people I work with baking and donating yummies that I will wrap and place your card on it. Auntie Samie will do face painting for all the little Angels that walk by. I am just hoping to reach as many people as I can, I love you. Well sweet girl, that is enough for now. I know as the time gets closer I will have so much to tell you. For now all I can say is that I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.....
Dearest Little Sister,
ReplyDeleteHow I wish we could bond in our grief for lost children, but I fear we never will, due to the fact that different things took our children from us. I am forever grateful to God for letting you, your husband, and us (your family) see, hold, touch and know Chloe for the few hours that we did. It is such a blessing to have held her sweet form, to know what color her hair was, to see her "Momma Scowl", to touch her soft skin, to know her eyes were blue and to have loved her for the months leading up to her journey. I know that through the pain and loss that it barely seems a comfort, but it was amazingly healing for me. I am so happy that you have something to focus your energy, emotions and grief into... the awareness of that horrible virus that took that angel Chloe from you and yours.
I cannot tell you that I understand what you have gone through, for my 6 experiences were each different in their own. But I do want you to know that you have not only a sister by blood, but a sister in loss and grief as well - not just in the loss of Chloe, but my own. I didn't expect my niece to impact me the way she has. It's like she made the 6 I denied real.
If you need someone, I am here, as you know, but I want you to know that you might be surprised as how much of the same emotions we have lived through, and I believe that in our sorrow we could help each other make sense of something that is all nonsense.
I love you. As always, more than yesterday, but not as much as I will tomorrow. You're doing better than I think you realize and I'm so very proud of you. You're a great mommy, wife, sister and friend, don't ever change.
And to my niece, Chloe:
Thank you for being you. For coming into my life and making me fall in love with you. Thank you for every kick, squirm, and flutter that I felt as your heart still beat, and thank you for your precious shell after you had departed. You broke open a part of me that I was afraid to ever even look at, and because of you, I believe. Thank you.
I love you and I wish we did not share this pain.
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