My dear sweet Chloe, it's been a rough week with out you. I seem to cry over every little stupid thing. My mess of curls in the morning, the fact that the same mess I said I would clean for the last 3 days is still there. Dishes seem to send me into a water works tizzy. I know that this is not just you, it's been a myriad of things this week. We laid your great great grandmother to rest yesterday. It was my first gravesite burial. Though you were not laid into the ground the feeling seemed all to familiar and all too soon. I looked at your brother and it broke my heart to know that in such a short life he had experienced such an intimate connection with death in a matter of 4 months. It hurts baby girl, the sting of the first wound is still as fresh as it was four and a half months ago, you should have been 8 weeks old Monday. Every pink laden stroller, every blue eyed child, ever time I hear your name the sting gets that much more worse. I'm reminded everyday why I will do what I can in your name. To give myself the right to be in my skin. If this means that I stand in a stadium and yell at the top of my lungs and no words come out while I scream amongst deaf ears then so be it. Sometimes that is what I feel like when I am fighting this CMV. I pray that something will help some mother, or some child somewhere. I need to do this- to feel like your mother. What can I say sweet girl, you have a way with me. This all for now sweet one, I just had to let you know I wasn't far. I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.....
Mommy
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