Tis the season to be grumpy.....

Here we are again babygirl, the 25th of the month looms near which mean that it has been 22 months since you left my sight. I always feel that day of the month, I wake up and my body just doesn't want to move and my bones ache. Last time I talked to you it was the beginning of birthday season. Two out of four are done and it is sometimes so hard to find happiness when there is you, missing from all the fun, all the pictures, all the gooey cake in the face moments. We went camping for Ayden birthday by a lake, I think you would have been over the moon with. For Nicolas's birthday the boys and your sisters had a paintball party and went out to a course and shot at each other. Some of your brothers classmates came, so everyone had a good time. Your poor big brother Ayden was stuck with me watching, right where you should have been. You two could have played in the sand together and have been all content just being the two of you in the dirt. No big kids allowed right? 
This is the start of the dreaded two month count down. I count down at two months because Christmas becomes a nightmare as well. Really I think the month of October was the last month that I remember anything happy during the pregnancy with you. Blissful, content and fat I wish I could get that time back where I could love my swollen ankles and my fat fingers and I would praise about how we weren't getting any sleep because you were up all night kicking me. All the moments that most probably take for granted, moan and groan and complain about having to go through it. I'll take it on all over again if I could.
School is ever so daunting right now Angel. I am in three classes at once, but its only because two classes are overlapping with my final capstone project for the next few weeks. That's right baby girl, one of my promises to you is being fulfilled. I will have my degree on 23 January, assuming I don't have any issues with the grueling research paper.
Mommy got to bring home her birthday present finally last month. My German Shepard puppy is so handsome and cute. He is so big already! He will grow to be the protector of the family and my outdoor partner in crime. Your brother loves that role as well, but we need a feisty four legged friend to come along as well.
For your Angel day I am trying to think of two random acts of kindness. Since you will be two years old, the occasion calls for two acts. I wish I could take CMV and blow it to fucking smitherines, but since that is not an option right now for me to do on your birthday, I will graciously settle for making your day beautiful for someone else. Any ideas Chloe? 
Mommy has had allot of ups and downs lately. This will be a hard angelversary to overcome. Maybe because it was still so surreal for your first one that I blocked out allot of the emotion. I don't know why but this time it almost feels more profound and empty blackness and endless pit of despair. Those feelings aren't very becoming of a birthday, but its not a birthday, it a angel day or an angelversary. I get to "celebrate" the birth and instant death of my daughter in one instantaneous explosive bomb. It still amazes me that I can wake up some days.
Well baby, it's late and I started this hours ago. I have to step away for a bit and I will talk to you again later.  I love you Chloe, I miss you.

Mommy

I think Ive gone crazy.....

Hey baby doll,
It's night, the sun is down, and I just got done with a shit tone of homework. Finally a break, a breath, a moment to stop and think of you. Where are you? I still wonder how you are doing. Its that time of night when the sun sinks in the sky with a bright pink/orange hue. I wonder if the light skips across the sky to you- or wherever you are. I still hate that. Where could you have gone? Is this all still just a dream. I miss you so much I cant stand it sometimes. It's like this revolving door and I cant find the fucking way out. Who designed that shit anyway? There is no exit, not door- just windows. Windows where I stare at myself constantly. Man it just sucks.
Ive signed up for my last two classes before my big project next term that will ultimately decide if I get my degree or not. I guess I need a fancy titled class to say that I am smart enough to get a piece of paper for something that I have been doing for thirteen years now. I think I'm good. Call me crazy, but I probably know more than half the jack asses that teach theses classes. It's for you babe. You will never ever get to go to school, so I will for you. I never really cared about all that until you. You make me a better person- even in death. A grumpy, pissy, fucked up person, but a better person because I held you for 15 hours. Weird huh? Who would have thought that those moments, so short in time would change my world.
Is it weird that I feel like I cant function without you? I am hoping and praying that wherever you are, your end of this fucked up deal is not as bad as mine. I consider myself lucky though. To have  you, to have held you, to even have let you go. It is all still so surreal. We are approaching the shitty time of year for me, where birthdays are plentiful, holidays are never ending and oh yes, need I forget your 2nd Angelversary. Fuck fuck fuck! Why why why!! Can someone please just make a record out of me repeating these same fucking words over and over!!! Ugh, can you tell I am not feeling well. Being sick makes grief worse I think. Anything that is out of my routine, my day, my schedule is a recipe for disaster. It seems so loud- I cant think. The house is full of people, but yet so empty. Will this ever just end? I wish you were here, I wish we were having a princess birthday party instead of a Nikki pitty party, my daughter would be 2, but instead a virus called CMV fucking killed her and no one knows about it and no one cares Angelversary day. Since we don't do pink, it would be decked out in purple. Purple and maybe black. We would make it amazing. You would be perfect in your birthday dress and I would be on top of the world snapping photo after photo like a crazy photog mother. Oh how I wish, but no, just another twisted memory I have already made in my mind that will actually happen and we will actually have this birthday and you will have cake all over you. Then the day will come and my reality will sink in and I will hate this world all over. What shall I do for your birthday crazy danger day? I was hoping to jump out of an airplane and do some sky diving, but I don't think there is anything like that around here. I might have to do some research. This year will be two random acts of kindness, and I will be doing it in my best purple. I love you, this is all I know to say yet it is the one thing that doesn't feel like it's enough. Im sorry- will that ever be enough? Can I ever make this up to you?
I love you my Angel. Forever and ever, to the moon and back.

Mommy

Its a red lipstick kind of day....

Oh Chloe, here I am! I feel like I need to scream it to you so you know that I am constantly looking for you. It has been so lonely and buys and crazy around her, I just needed a bit to sit and talk with my favorite girl. I have been taking part in a facebook page called "Capture your grief". Turns out I think I have been neglecting my grief for a bit because I am more and more exhausted as the days go on. I have cried everyday for you for the last 2 weeks. There are other reasons, not just the page, but it makes me miss you more. Looking at the pictures of other babies gone too soon and seeing all the other mommies and daddies in pain and emptiness always pulls at the heart strings. It's looking at things like that and talking about it that I realize that I am still very much in my grief infancy.  My birthday has come and gone, always a hard day to "celebrate" since that was the day I found out I was pregnant with you. Can we go back to that day? I like my birthday better then. The feeling of finding out that you were there and we would be starting that journey. I like that particular day because it was just you and me, we had no idea that the journey would turn so tragic. We had never heard of CM-fucking V and we were not spending countless hours at the hospital and countless needles go into my arms. It was a innocent time. A beautiful time. Although short lived, I wish I could visit that moment, I cherish it so. So today was a red lipstick day (actually all week). I hardly have any make-up on but I put red lipstick on- the kind that says I may be a mess, but I'm going to make it look damn good. After that was done, nothing would be complete without putting some glitter on my nails. This life might be kicking my ass, but Ill make it look good for you baby girl. I don't care what commercials say- waterproof mascara doesn't work when your a grieving mom. I should make a brand and I will call it "Chloe's get your ass out of bed mascara" It would have to be made from glue to stay on my face, Ill just cry it off eventually.
Not everything is bad Chloe Angel. Your brothers and sisters are doing really well in school. Your daddy got me a new puppy for my birthday. My runs have gotten pretty intense lately that he felt I needed a running partner since no one else can keep up. You would have- I pictured it before as you grew into a young woman. All the things we could together, running, swimming, hiking. Taking in God's green earth. I never thought you would become part of it, at least not before me. I have learned in my time without you, that life is not fair, it's not just, its not all ponies and champagne. It's just life. I dont like the term "shit happens", but I do see that I am not in control anymore. I dont like this. I have the hardest time and I have yet to "accept" that I dont have control. All I am saying is that eventually that will be something I will have to figure out. I am warning you though, I might be on my death bed before I let it go.
I have been trying to get in touch with the local CMV peeps here, but I am having little luck. I miss my support network and family in Alaska in that regard. I have a little time here, but when we move again next year I will be full throttle kicking the shit out of CMV. Daddy misses you baby girl, we both do. I think we need to have a "Chloe Combat" day. Your dad and I have Monday off together while everyone else is at school. I think there is a mountain we need to climb and scream at the top of our lungs how much we hate CMV, but also tell the world how much we love you (as if you didnt know).
Well baby, I have to finish another assignment, my classes this term are almost done. Because of you your momma is about to have her Bachelors next term. Take that CMV! I will live my life as if you are here next to me, just because you were not given the chance. Thank you for getting my ass in gear babe. I love you sweet girl. Until I hold you again.

Mommy

Oh and FU CMV!!

I am still here...

It has been so long Chloe, I am so sorry I have not written. Life has been so crazy busy I am not sure exactly where to begin. I guess I'll start by asking you if you know I love you? Have I told you how much I miss you? I know I have, but it doesn't seem like it's ever enough. Your brothers and sisters are back to school now. Everyone is having a great time so far. Ayden went to preschool- it broke my heart a bit. He was so happy and I was so proud of him, but you should be there too. At least you would have been able to come home with me. I feel like all the little chicks are flying the nest. I know it's just school, but now there are no "wee ones" in the house. Everyone is growing up so fast.
Texas is nice and warm, the sun feels great. I am almost done with school now, so mommy is back at her studying. After this term I only have three classes to go. Seems crazy to me because I have been going to school for so long. I wont stop there though, I am going to keep going once I get my Bachelors. It's important for me to finish this, and to complete my certificate after and go on to my Master's. I want to not only make myself and your Daddy proud, but I want to be an example for you kids. How can I preach about college if I never did it? or finished? I hope you are proud of me.
When I have more time I will tell you about are trip down the Alaska Highway. You would have had so much fun, even your brother and sisters had a blast! Everyone was so good and we did so many things. There is so much beautiful things in this world I wish you could have experienced. Like your first ice cream cone, playing in the sprinkler, getting gum stuck in your hair, your first fish you would have caught, your first time riding a bike, your first school dance, your first kiss, and of course your first day off to college. So many dreams I had for you- dreams that I still have for you.  You big big brother Nicolas, is such a book worm. He reads so well and has such a knack for technology. Alina is my little studious child. She cracks me up when she does her work. She is so meticulous and bright that her teachers are always so impressed with the quality of work she does in school. She aspires to be a nurse and is an amazing artist. She has drawn such adorable pictures of you since you have left us. Bella is sharp- she is a perfectionist with her work and she works hard. She has such a deep love for animals like I did at her age. She aspires to be a veterinarian and it would be something that would come so natural to her because she loved them so much. She has a hard time accepting the fact that vets put animals down too, but I have to help her understand that more often than not a vet is taking away a very painful and irreversible problem and giving them rest. Ayden is so rambunctious! He will indeed be a very athletic child. Like Bella he is so sharp with everything. He picks up and learns fast and usually only needs to be shown once. It's still too early to foresee his path (or what I think it will be) but for now I am just so happy to see him grow.
Then there is you. You would be 19 months on the 25th. No doubt you would be walking by now, your hair would be as curly as your mom's and you would have the greenest eyes. In my mind you are this happy child that is always smiling and making everyone laugh. You fill the room with so much warmth.  When I think of you it is like you have a glow about you. Something about you calms my soul and makes me feel at peace. It's when these thoughts are gone and I am back to the daily grind that I miss this peace. It's hard to find it when my thoughts are so preoccupied. These thoughts can be so clouded by the dark memories of how you died- the fading of your heartbeat and the most horrible sight of you being taken away from me. I miss you.
Until I can hold you again, I will try my best to fill my mind and my heart with your glow. I have much to do and I may not always be able to get to my computer but I love you. I am always thinking of you.  So baby  girl, until I can talk to you again, I love you, I miss you... forever yours.


Mommy

The time has come....

It's here baby girl, the time that we are getting ready to move. Pack up our family and drive down the Alaska highway with Daddy, your brothers and sister, a bird, cat, and dog. Everyone but you. I know that it is time to leave, but now the closer we get, I find that it is getting harder and harder to not feel a sense of emptiness. It really compounded yesterday after I got off the phone with your Daddy. He has been packing and cleaning away all week. I knew that we would eventually go through the baby clothes, toys, and infant "stuff" that we don't need. I was thrown back and on the verge of tears when he said he went through everything and took it to be donated. Why was I so shocked? I think I was thrown off by the fact that we had talked about doing it for some time now, but I don't know if I really thought we would. I was even upset about your brothers baby clothes being cleaned out. I guess I have grown to like those scattered around the house. It was the last sign of a baby in the house. Now it is gone. I came home and walked upstairs the best i could (mommy had knee surgery last week) and went into what should have been your nursery. Gone, all of it. I don't know how to feel right now Angel. It seems to surreal as if it's now a definitive "you are gone". I know it's just "stuff", but the sentimental value of everything still hurts. Thank god your baby clothes are still hanging in my closet next to my clothes. I was able to save a few things of your brothers. More for keepsake value. It's a reminder that he will never be that small again and you will never grow to be as big as him. Not in this lifetime anyway. The shelf with your urn look lonely and barren. I have slowly packed around "you". I packed your precious stuffed animals, your keepsakes and memento's. Everything that you touched and wore, but you are still there- waiting. The day is quickly approaching my sweet baby Angel. I feel that sense of panic creeping up again. The house is torn apart and I feel clostraphobic. Saying good bye to your aunties and grandpa will be very hard. Life is an adventure and we are heading on to the next phase. Your Daddy's training will be 10 months in El Paso then we will be moving to Utah where we will be stationed at Hill AFB. It's very nice there, much like Alaska. You would love every minute of it. I know you would just be a little tom boy like your mommy was. I'm sorry it's been so long since Ive written. It has been busy to say the least and a little crazy. There are not enough hours in the day to get done what I need to, but you are on my mind every second baby girl. The void in our lives has not left. I look for you in everything still and I don't think that will ever change. With the moving going on I have not had much time for my "Fuck You CMV" campaign. I will be forever sorry about how things turned out.  Don't worry, that will never stop, but right now I have to focus on your siblings and getting the house together. So much to do in so little time. I know you would have been a big helper :0)
Well Angel, I must get to it. I love you forever and ever, to the moon and back and as big as the world.
Until I see you again, I miss you, I love you.

Mommy

You are in a box.....

Angel,
I started packing up the house slowly....I started with your trinckets, dolls, and our gifts from the hospital. It was strange, I felt like I was packing "you" into a box. Your urn stays where it always does next to the bed. It still is hard to take in that you are in a box. A stone box that you will stay in forever unless something crazy happens. I wont open the box, there better not be one speck of ash missing from where you rest now. I wish you were here to help me pack. Your nursery (now the guest room) is staring me in the face. I have left your clothes hanging in my closet next to my clothes and I will pack those in my suitcase. It would be like we are sharing a suitcase together. I am batteling with what to do with the baby swing, bouncer, tub, and baby carrier. I had held onto most of it from when I had your brother, and now its still in your room. Just taking up space. This is eating me up- do I save all these things that I may never use again? I know it is just "stuff", but it is so hard to part with anything that is linked to you and even your brother. If I got rid of all the extra baby stuff would it confirm that this is indeed the end of my child bearing? That I will never have a baby again? I cant even tell you if that is  a good thing or a bad thing. I still am unsure of how I feel about having another baby. It's all so hard....
Your mommy and our miss K have been busy with CMV stuff. You would be happy to hear that we gave public testimony regarding why we thing CMV should be added to the conditions to recieve early childhood intervention services. (I forget the long official title) but this will more than likely go through. I hate this virus so much, why? why? why? I will never understand why any of this happened to us. I will never understand why I got the virus and why I could'nt fight it off. Our Dr. T. asked me if I intentionally meant to cause your death? I said of course not- She asked me then how can I blame myself and be responsible? I see her point, but it is so fucking disturbing that I didnt know about this virus. I wasnt even given a chance to change the path we were on. I wasnt given the knowledge to protect you and this could have been avoided. This is the frustrating thing- I know I shouldnt blame myself , but there is no one else! How fucking frustrating! CMV can kiss my ass and I will be working and taking every fiber of my being to kick your ass to the curb and win this war I have waged against you. I just wish it was something that wasnt such a long process. All in time, I just need to find patience, or learn to have some. I miss you baby, I wish you were here to coo and giggle in my face. Ill even take one of those snotty oozy drooly kisses. Anyway doll, it's back to life, this unbearable life without you. I miss you, I love you, until I hold you again.....

Mommy

Hey there blue eyes,
Today is 14 months since you left me. 14 months since I held you tiny baby hand and kissed your baby cheeks. Normally I would forget details about memories that were this long ago. Maybe the colors, peoples faces, smells, but not you Angel. I must admit that I still feel like it happened yesterday. Some nights I wake up thinking that it really did happen yesterday.  I have had some interesting dreams lately. Miss Teresa says it is my PTSD surfacing. There is always tragedy and death, but now it is not as gory or bloody like before. She says this is a posative thing- that my patterns of thought are changing. You were in one of my dreams. You were dead, just like all the other dreams, but I carried you around like I didnt know you were. I went through all the motions of being a Mom and acted as if you were a breathing, healthy baby. This dream doesnt really bother me, it actually gives me a sense of peace- a false sense of peace, but peace non the less. This last dream was me pulling dead bodies out of a crashed helicopter I was flying in. There was no blood though- it was really strange because these bodies were just flat. It was really odd to me, I woke up bewildered by these bodies and how they looked. That seems to be my theme; bodies, dead ones and there is always something piculiar about them. Detailed marks, colors and smells that leave me either anxious, scared, or craying. I have to tell you what I did a couple weeks ago. I held a baby for the first time since I held you. This was a sweet baby girl and of course she had blue eyes. Maybe 8 weeks old, very sweet and preicious- just like you were. I just felt I should do it, I had a impulse to do it. I thought I would feel sad, upset maybe even cry a little. I longed for you like I always do, but I felt an emotion that I never expected to feel. I felt completly devestated by guilt. I felt guilty for holding this perfect child. It was as if I was betraying you- this is what I am rationalizing in my mind. I have no idea why I felt that way, but I couldnt stop thinking about it for weeks now. You know I love you right? That you are my one and only baby girl? After I gave her back to her mom, I was very quiet and solem the rest of the day.  I thought of you endlessly, and I wish that it was you being passed around.  I am trying to understand this emotion that overwhelmed me, but for the life of me I cant figure it out. It has to be because I fear that I would hurt your feelings. You could never be replaced. I love you so much, I am dying a little bit more each day. i am getting better at staying positive though. I think of you and I dont want you to see how I behave sometimes. I dont want you to be dissapointed or embarassed by my irrational and immature moments of weakness where I cant stand the thought of you not being with me. I love you Angel, it's time for me to go, but you know how much I miss you.
Until I hold you again.....

Mommy

Ground Hog Day

Chloe,
God how Ive missed you, I know I havent written in a while. It's always an adventure in the Perry household. I woke up realizing that in a few short months we will be gone away from this place on to our new adventure. I still have mixed emotions about this. We are making all these changes without you. I want to leave this place, but yet I feel this sense of you in everything. Threre is piles upon piles and a closet full of baby clothes, toys and gadgets that I am spinning in my mind about what to do with. Im not paking up a nursery, I am packing up a place where we keep all the things that would have made a nursery. Instead a spare bed and dresser fill the empty space we needed to fill. I still hate going into that room. I cant help but wonder when we leave this place if I am going to be ok? This is where I was born and raised, but since losing you it has not felt like home at all. It almost feels like this alternate universe of a constant zombie like state where I go through the motions of everyday like that movie "Ground Hog Day". I am on auto pilot and I always know what to expect because nothing ever changes. I guess in this state of life and death that that is a good thing. If anything was out of wack it might send me into a death spiral of fucking crazy. (More so than I am already).  I have been feeling better, the sun is out longer, the days have more daylight and the snow is starting to melt with the warmer temprature. Soon everything will have a stentch of dog poop as the ground thaws and the snow is completly gone. Then right before we pack up the truck and drive off, it will be green and beautiful again. I am optimistic that the drive will be nice. You will have a front seat view next to me. I have spent countless hours thinking of where you will be on this move. Most mom's worry about car seats, Im trying to think of a place for your urn. I died just thinking about putting you in a box like our house hold goods- who does that? I cant believe I actually have to fucking think about where to place you? You will be next to me, front seat so I can squeeze you the whole time we drive. It would be as if you were bright eyed looking out the window at the world for the first time. At least in my mind this is what it will be like, a dream; this is what my life has evolved to. Never in my life have my dreams been so vivid and so detailed. When I dream of you the world is crystal clear like I am looking through a high definition photo lense. Looking at the world through my eyes in my everyday the vision is distorted, my astigmatism is really bad. I love the clarity I see with you in it. You look so angelic, like a porcelean doll, but a vision of me, your mother. I hope you know that I think of you with everything I do. I hope you know that I live only to hold you again, I will wait, I will find patience. I must because I need you.
Keep your mother in your heart, I need you more than you will ever know. I love you Angel, I miss you so much. Until I hold you again.....

Mommy

I saw your face

Hello Angel,
I miss you still as much as ever. I write to you today in a far better mood than what it was the last month or so in my very dark place. I feel better knowing spring is coming around and knowing that soon this place will be in our rear view mirror. I must admit that I feel guilty though, smiling, laughing, being as "happy" as I can be. It is a far cry from the bubbly relaxed woman I used to be. I cant get over the fact that I am home, where I was born and raised, yet it feels like this strange far off land and I feel so uncomfortable here. I cant explain this. All I know is that you are everywhere. Reminders of what I had and lost are around every corner of this place. I see you in every little blond hair blue eyed toddler learning how to take her first new steps. I smile and yet I die inside at the same time. It is such an overwhelming feeling. I feel a sense of joy and happiness for those mothers and fathers, but yet I am completly shattered about the fact that is is not my life. Stupid, I know. I cant help but wonder if you would have pigtails by now. Would I put ribbons in your hair every morning? Would you fight me tooth and nail to get dressed. Would you be screaming no and me while throwing food at my face. Oh Chloe, you have no idea how much I would love to fight back with you, hear you scream no at me. We could have a good fight together and I would cry laughing so hard. You are my everything, even in death. Nothing can erode this bridge of love that I am crossing over and over again to try to get to you. It sometimes seems hopeless, but I do it day in and day out.
I feel myself gaining strength from the daylight returning. The winters here are long and dark and it really gets to me by the February. If you were here Im sure I wouldnt be having that problem. All the diapers, sleep deprivation, baths, crying, laughing, singing, and kissing. That would be the light in my dark. I cant believe how much time has flown by. You have been gone almost 13 months. I never liked math and having that constant counter of how long you have been gone is killing me. I dont care if it gets better with time (I think that is bullshit by the way), but I feel so far away from you.
You would be happy to know babygirl that there is good movement in the CMV world. The Utah house of reps has had a hearing on screening for CMV and screening newborns in that state. It's not approved yet, but I am very optimistic that 2013 will be a great year for CMV progress as well as a far better year than 2012. I still wish I could do more. I feel like I never do eough, but I am so glad that there are others to drive it like they stole it.
Well sweet girl, this one is short. Between sick kids, homework, work, and your daddy working longer hours I only had a moment. You know I think of you every second of every day. There is nothing, not even death that can keep me from loving you to the moon and back.
I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.

Mommy

Where are you Chloe

Chloe,
Where are you? I have been looking for you everyday for the past year. Your the little girl with blue eyes that is playing with your brother at day care. Your the blonde haired princess playing dress up in your room, your the hopeless wish I have that I would wake up every morning to your smiling face with kisses and tuck you into bed with your butterfly kisses. I have had such a hard time Angel. This is not how I pictured my life would turn out. I miss you wso much I cant stand myself. I have been losing it more and more lately. I have been feeling that horrible sense of not being in control. That feeling that something bad is going to happend around every turn I take. A car tried to murge on the highway in the lane next to me and I had  panic attack. It is all pouring back and I hate it so much.
My therapis says I need to write abou my feelings. Funny, but I have been writing about my feelings to you in this blog for almost a year now. Not quite sure if it's helping or if its getting anywhere, but I just like the feeling that you are there on the other end of this computer reading every word I type. Not like a one year old can read, but I know you can feel it. You can read my mind, you dont need to read this text. It's that mother daughter bond that we have. Everyday I am doing something with your sister, you know "mother/ daughter" things, and yet it breaks my heart and fills it with joy at the same time. I will never get to do your hair,  I will never get you ready for your first recital, I will never take you to girl scouts, I will never go on one of your school field tripis, and just as I am doing tonight; I will never get to be the "cool mom" for your sleep over. So I will ask again babygirl..... Where are you??!!!! 
I might have bit more than I can chew for the next month. I have a full course load with allot of writing and presentations and I am having a hard time concetrating, work, and of course your brothers and sisters have a full plate as well. I have been so tired lately, I have lost my memory so much that I cant even remember what I did yesterday. I lost my keys, my phone, and my mind. I left my phone at the target pharmacy yesterday, but I dont remember ever being at Target. I spent half the day trying to back track my steps, but I couldnt even remember what my steps were. When I finally realized it was target, I drove back there as soon as I could and when I asked the pharmacy lady see said she hadnt seen it like it was no big deal. I was crying in Target like a baby. I was like, you dont understand lady, this is not just a phone, it is a phone with what few precious pictures I have of my dead daughter. Im glad I didnt say that to her, I wanted to. She didnt know any better, not very many people do. Maybe that is why I have such a hard time going out in public. After your birthday last friday, I am in denail and so angry that everyone else's life is going on. The next day and the folloing monday at work was just wierd. I felt like my world was crashing down all over again, and everone else was moving through the day like no big deal. I know this isnt thier problem, but I just wanted to scream. How lucky they are in thier ignorance. I wish I was like that still sometimes, but when I get that whiney, self centered feeling, I remember that if that hadnt happened, if I was ignorance, then I would not have had you in my arms. You would not be this whole in my heart, and I think that is worse than what I have to endure for the rest of my life. You in my life, even with the whole in my heart, is more fulfilling than if you had never existed at all. You know why babygirl? Because I would be dreaming about you every single day an night. My lifes desire as a mother, to have a little girl. I knew I wanted to have a little boy first and I did, but you, you were supposed to be the piece to put our families puzzle together. I am so angry that it was taken from me. What a bunch of bull shit. I wanted you, I wanted to be mother. This wasnt some one night stand, no druken mistake, there was a desire. Then why the hell does it end this way? Women give up thier babies for adoption everyday because they dont want them, women pray and endure ever single medical procedure known to man to have just a tiny chance at making life. So someone needs to explain to me why the fuck my daughter was taken from me? Why women who would make the worlds most amazng mothers are left with baren wombs, but yet  some crack sniffing slutty whore who had a one night stand can get pregnant and have a baby on the first shot? Im sorry Chloe, but this world is enough to make go postal on everyone who crosses me wrong.
I hope you know how much I love you, miss you, need you. I hope one of these nights I can dream a sweet dream of you, one with out some bloody gory traumatic end. I love you my Angel, you will always and forever be one of my greatest masterpieces.
I love you, I miss you, unitl I hold you again.

Mommy

The hangover

Chloe,
I thougth today would be easier than yesterday- it's not. For some reason it feels harder, I feel worse than I did yesterday. I thought I wouldnt sleep, but I did. Not well, not sound, but enough to wake up feeling like I got ran over by a truck. My body hurts, my heart hurts, fuck- everything hurts. I knew I would play that day over in my head, its been going round and round all day. I can see your face clear as day. I have been so foggy over this past year, I thought I had forgotten what you look like. I know I am not facing this the way I should . I avoid looking at your pictures on the wall, I feel like I cant make eye contact with you- after all, I let you down. I worked so hard at keeping it together yesterday that I have nothing left for today. I wish I could dream about you, something good and pure. I had a dream about you the night before your birthday, but I should really call it a nightmare. It was the hospital room all over again. The birthing part was over, family had finally left- it must have been about 3 a.m. That was the time that we had to ourselves and I just snuggled with you in that hospital bed. In my dream I felt this sense of peace. Much like when I held you. At that time I was not in reality and the thought of not taking you home hadnt hit me yet. The peace was shattered when I fell asleep with you in my arms. I lost my grip on you and you fell off the bed and hit the hospital floor. I woke up sweating in a panic that night, I jumped up out of bed to the sound of cracking bones. Your bones, its all so no fair. Since then I have been afraid to go to sleep. I keep going back to the hospital, but there is always some devstating tragic twist (more so than what already was tragic). Last time I held you your eyes opened and you stared at me, then I had the dream that we were eaten by bears, another when we were finally allowed to bring you home and we were in a head on collision. I cant remember ever having good dreams. I wish I could have dreams where I could watch you grow, talk to you, be a mother to you. If I can't have you here in reality, why can't I have you in my dreams? Real or not, Im sure it would ease my broken heart. To see you grow, watch you become a beautiful little girl, to hold you, hug you, wipe your tears away.
Ive been remember the weeks after your death. The confusion and chaos I felt every second of every day. I remember the first day home, just sitting on the couch not bein able to move. I wasnt really sore from the birth, but when my milk came and there was no where for it to go, it was the most excrutiating pain I have ever had. My body did as it was supposed to, but you were not there. My purpose was gone. The doctors and nurses were wonderful during that time, but no one ever explained to me the physical wreck I would be. They went over and over about my emotional state, the hormones, they even tried to shove anti-depressants down my throat. I felt that I could take it on, on biggie. Im good at taking my emotions and shoving them away. I was great at it for at least six months. But the body pain never left, it is still here even a year later. It is amazing the love a mother has for a child. I am not trying to discredit a father's love, but when you are growing that child inside of you and you have this connection that can not be felt by anyone else. We were together, working together, becoming a part of eachother. To this day when I hear the cry of a newborn my chest screams out in pain. I will get that ache in my stomach and I will be almost dropping to my knees in pain. This pain travels through my entire body- head to toe. The mind can play mean tricks on the heart. The heart will always be more vulnerable, add the gift of sight and you are one cocktail away from a bloody mary. Do you know how much I love you Chloe?  If you dont know, then I am not working hard enough. I would give anything to go back to those 16 hours just to see you one more time. If this hasnt killed me yet, then why shouldnt I go back. I know that I will die young, I can feel it. Grief takes such a toll on the mind, body and heart. I get heart palpatations, unexplained pain, and constant shaking and nervousness. I can say I hate it, but you are worth every bit of it. I will take these pains, for if I didnt, it would be the life you would have to face. You were obviously far to precious and pure to take this sad world on.
Well the rage isnt here yet, it more just the unbearable sorrow. I must go for now sweet Angel. I love you, I miss you, Until I hold you again.

Mommy

P.S. I hope you got mommy and daddy's love note yesterday ;0)

Happy birth..........oh wait- nevermind.

Ohh babygirl, the day has finally come, your first birthday- blahhhh! I knew this day would haunt me, I knew it would not be another day, but I never would have anticipated that I would feel this lost. Your daddy was a sweet man and let me sleep in and he got your brothers and sisters off to school. I didnt really sleep much, I was up, but I just laid there staring at you. Well, your urn, but in my mind its you, your body, the one thing I have to physically hold in my hands. Your monkey brother and I ate breakfast and spent the moring watching his favorite "Ice Age". There was nothing more sweet when he woke up and I asked him who's birthday was today? He said, "Mine and Choeeee". "Yes baby boy, you are right". I spent the rest of the morning distracting his attention away from the fact that he did not have presents, and where was yours? The mind of a three year old suprises me so much. The morning was routine for the most part, although with every move my body hurt, telling me that the grief would only compound itself. Your daddy and I stopped at the bank, got your pruple balloons with starts, and went to luch at our favorite place. Every where we went we left a little Chloe trail of CMV awareness bracelets and your cards. After lunch and a stop at Costco we headed up the mountain to get as close to you as possible. This is where every fiber of my being was dying, all over again. One year ago today a part of me died. A year ago today, a part of me was carried away in that body bag next to your cold body. A year ago today was the last time I held you in my arms and kissed your cheeks. And to all my pain and agony, it was a year ago today that I forever would be scarred by that fucking virus CMV. The mountain was beautiful, the sun was high, the mountains glistened. It was cold like always, but I still didnt wear a jacket, I just felt like my rage was making my body on fire. There is no balloon in the world that could ease the fact that you are gone, there is not enough purple fingernail polish to make me feel alive again. I wish it didnt have to be this way, my life has been reduced to balloons, an empty nursery, the car seat gone, and no birthday cake to play in. I will never get to watch you as you throw cake from one corner of the house to the other. There will be no presents, friends and family that will celebrate the blessings that is children and most importantly that first birthday. I cried more today than I have in a while, to the point that looking at children brought me to the verge of tears. Everyone looks so happy, so oblivious to the real world, the real world where children get virus's and die and there is nothing thier mom and dad can do about it because no one in the fucking United States of America with power will do a damn thing about it!! I want to scream it to everyone, the ignorance of it all. The most frustrating thing about it all is, why would they be happy? 100 bucks says they have no idea what CMV is or what it stands for. How can I be angry and blame them? I want to blame someone though. I've heard its not my fault a million time, there is nothing I could have done. Tell me a million more times and I will still tell you that I cant see that now. I gave her the virus, I couldnt protect her, I couldnt save her and she came from me with no hope. If that isnt a way to shut down a woman's sole purpose in life, I dont know what else does.
Your blue eyes, how bright they would have shined today. The smiles, the laughter, the giggles, the kisses, the messes- I want them all and I will not get them!!!!! Can someone please just take a knife and slice it down my chest through my heart. Someone might as well, but wait it wouldnt matter. I have a hole in my heart- the knife would miss. I wish there was more I could do to fight this CMV Chloe. It feels like everything is moving at a glacial place and I am always full speed ahead. Ive been told that the first year after the death of a child is the hardest and that the grief usually doesnt become "managable" until after 2 years. As I type this I am sad, angry, and just plain fucking pissed. How can this be the next 50 years of my life? I am to mark the emptyness with not so much as hearing your voice. This truly does not make sense, it is the biggest bass-ackwards shit I have ever heard.
Today I kept your baby blanket with me all day. I thought the fresh air would be nice. When we leave this place will I still feel this empty? Will it be easier than today? I have not played the hospital over in my mind yet; I will save that for later when I cannot sleep. It's coming, I already know. I need to keep it together for your brothers and sisters. If they were not here, I would not have any sanity left. I need them as much as they need me I think, but my reasons are far different than thiers. They have no idea, and I am glad. They know far to much about suffering, pain, and death for thier age. If I can make the world know CMV, I will. There is no doubt that this mountain will be conquered by me, someone, anybody someday. There are others who dispise this virus as much as I do. Eventually something will have to give, someone will have to listen. I will be knocking some heads around if this snail pace wont let up.
Oh sweet girl, we will leave it at this for now. I will save the narsasistic animal mommy rage for later. I love you, I miss you, I so badly just want to hold you again. If only just one more time.

Thank you Christmas for being over....

Chloe,
Christmas and New Years has come and gone. I know I probably should have written something, but I just couldnt. Your brother and sisters were gone the whole time. It was just your Daddy, me, and your monkey of a brother. I dont know if it was because I wasnt going a million miles an hour, or if I had too much time off, but it has been the saddest and most lonely I have ever been since you were taken from me. Christmas is supposed to be a joyous time about family and making memories, but the only memories I can think of was last year. Having you in my belly, kicking, moving, keeping me up at night. I miss that feeling, the feeling of having a purpose. I had one, I was going to become your mother, but in order to do that I had to keep you safe until it was your time to come greet us in this big world. But it never happened. My purpose was stripped from me, I didnt keep you safe. I couldnt save you. Chirstmas is just a reminder of all that. I tried to make it as memorable as I could for your brother, but I think I failed. I think I always fail at what I do now.
Time ticked by slowly, almost dragging and that has never been an issue in our overwhelming lives. To think that you would be 11 months old on christmas day. Now just around the corner, the anniversary of your death. I just dont understand this life I have been thrusted into. I didnt ask for it, I didnt want it. Now, I can barely live in it, but like I always do, I find a way to push on.
Im praying, trying, and dying to get through this next month. I cant believe this time has gone by already and yet it has passed like mollasses. What am I to do without you?  Life has gone on around me and sometimes I want to scream to world and say "Dont you remember she is dead?" "Why are you all so happy?" My Chloe is dead, I hate that word. I have never said that word so many times in my life as I have in this short time. It's almost a alternate universe when you are pregnant and ready to give life, when that word is used the most. This fucked up little universe I live in can go fuck itself and CMV, I will make sure it's existence cannot be traced. I hate this Chloe, I do. I wish I had more uplifting things to say, but I guess I really never do. Work will be work, school will still keep me busy (for 6 more classes anyway) and my existance will be marked with the milestones that you will never reach, the moments I will never share with your, and the experiences you were robbed of. This cannot be a healthy way to view life. But what is life, if you are broken, empty and a part of you is missing or in this case, dead as well.
I am hoping for a better year in 2013. Not better in the sense that I will ever be over you, or that this will ever feel better, but in a sense that I can be posative and more motivated to make a difference. I cannot sleep all the time, I can no longer sulk and drown myself in tears when I am alone. I need to move past my debilitating grief and try to live for your with the best of my ability. Dont get me wrong Angel, you are worth every tear, every cry, scream and every moment I stay in bed and avoid the world. But your brothers and sisters are worth just as much, and they need life. They need to have a thriving, happy life. I will do my best, I know there will be days, I know I will forever hate this, but at least I can try harder. For them, for you, for your daddy, and when the time is right-for me.
 I will never embrace this life, I will never accept that you were taken from me, but I can get better at putting that smile on my face, I can wear something other than sweat pants, and I can occasionally put on some crazy nail polish and lip gloss on.
I love you Angel, there is no way you couldn't know that. If you dont, then I will find a way to make sure you do for the rest of my life.
I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again....

Mommy