The hangover

Chloe,
I thougth today would be easier than yesterday- it's not. For some reason it feels harder, I feel worse than I did yesterday. I thought I wouldnt sleep, but I did. Not well, not sound, but enough to wake up feeling like I got ran over by a truck. My body hurts, my heart hurts, fuck- everything hurts. I knew I would play that day over in my head, its been going round and round all day. I can see your face clear as day. I have been so foggy over this past year, I thought I had forgotten what you look like. I know I am not facing this the way I should . I avoid looking at your pictures on the wall, I feel like I cant make eye contact with you- after all, I let you down. I worked so hard at keeping it together yesterday that I have nothing left for today. I wish I could dream about you, something good and pure. I had a dream about you the night before your birthday, but I should really call it a nightmare. It was the hospital room all over again. The birthing part was over, family had finally left- it must have been about 3 a.m. That was the time that we had to ourselves and I just snuggled with you in that hospital bed. In my dream I felt this sense of peace. Much like when I held you. At that time I was not in reality and the thought of not taking you home hadnt hit me yet. The peace was shattered when I fell asleep with you in my arms. I lost my grip on you and you fell off the bed and hit the hospital floor. I woke up sweating in a panic that night, I jumped up out of bed to the sound of cracking bones. Your bones, its all so no fair. Since then I have been afraid to go to sleep. I keep going back to the hospital, but there is always some devstating tragic twist (more so than what already was tragic). Last time I held you your eyes opened and you stared at me, then I had the dream that we were eaten by bears, another when we were finally allowed to bring you home and we were in a head on collision. I cant remember ever having good dreams. I wish I could have dreams where I could watch you grow, talk to you, be a mother to you. If I can't have you here in reality, why can't I have you in my dreams? Real or not, Im sure it would ease my broken heart. To see you grow, watch you become a beautiful little girl, to hold you, hug you, wipe your tears away.
Ive been remember the weeks after your death. The confusion and chaos I felt every second of every day. I remember the first day home, just sitting on the couch not bein able to move. I wasnt really sore from the birth, but when my milk came and there was no where for it to go, it was the most excrutiating pain I have ever had. My body did as it was supposed to, but you were not there. My purpose was gone. The doctors and nurses were wonderful during that time, but no one ever explained to me the physical wreck I would be. They went over and over about my emotional state, the hormones, they even tried to shove anti-depressants down my throat. I felt that I could take it on, on biggie. Im good at taking my emotions and shoving them away. I was great at it for at least six months. But the body pain never left, it is still here even a year later. It is amazing the love a mother has for a child. I am not trying to discredit a father's love, but when you are growing that child inside of you and you have this connection that can not be felt by anyone else. We were together, working together, becoming a part of eachother. To this day when I hear the cry of a newborn my chest screams out in pain. I will get that ache in my stomach and I will be almost dropping to my knees in pain. This pain travels through my entire body- head to toe. The mind can play mean tricks on the heart. The heart will always be more vulnerable, add the gift of sight and you are one cocktail away from a bloody mary. Do you know how much I love you Chloe?  If you dont know, then I am not working hard enough. I would give anything to go back to those 16 hours just to see you one more time. If this hasnt killed me yet, then why shouldnt I go back. I know that I will die young, I can feel it. Grief takes such a toll on the mind, body and heart. I get heart palpatations, unexplained pain, and constant shaking and nervousness. I can say I hate it, but you are worth every bit of it. I will take these pains, for if I didnt, it would be the life you would have to face. You were obviously far to precious and pure to take this sad world on.
Well the rage isnt here yet, it more just the unbearable sorrow. I must go for now sweet Angel. I love you, I miss you, Until I hold you again.

Mommy

P.S. I hope you got mommy and daddy's love note yesterday ;0)

Happy birth..........oh wait- nevermind.

Ohh babygirl, the day has finally come, your first birthday- blahhhh! I knew this day would haunt me, I knew it would not be another day, but I never would have anticipated that I would feel this lost. Your daddy was a sweet man and let me sleep in and he got your brothers and sisters off to school. I didnt really sleep much, I was up, but I just laid there staring at you. Well, your urn, but in my mind its you, your body, the one thing I have to physically hold in my hands. Your monkey brother and I ate breakfast and spent the moring watching his favorite "Ice Age". There was nothing more sweet when he woke up and I asked him who's birthday was today? He said, "Mine and Choeeee". "Yes baby boy, you are right". I spent the rest of the morning distracting his attention away from the fact that he did not have presents, and where was yours? The mind of a three year old suprises me so much. The morning was routine for the most part, although with every move my body hurt, telling me that the grief would only compound itself. Your daddy and I stopped at the bank, got your pruple balloons with starts, and went to luch at our favorite place. Every where we went we left a little Chloe trail of CMV awareness bracelets and your cards. After lunch and a stop at Costco we headed up the mountain to get as close to you as possible. This is where every fiber of my being was dying, all over again. One year ago today a part of me died. A year ago today, a part of me was carried away in that body bag next to your cold body. A year ago today was the last time I held you in my arms and kissed your cheeks. And to all my pain and agony, it was a year ago today that I forever would be scarred by that fucking virus CMV. The mountain was beautiful, the sun was high, the mountains glistened. It was cold like always, but I still didnt wear a jacket, I just felt like my rage was making my body on fire. There is no balloon in the world that could ease the fact that you are gone, there is not enough purple fingernail polish to make me feel alive again. I wish it didnt have to be this way, my life has been reduced to balloons, an empty nursery, the car seat gone, and no birthday cake to play in. I will never get to watch you as you throw cake from one corner of the house to the other. There will be no presents, friends and family that will celebrate the blessings that is children and most importantly that first birthday. I cried more today than I have in a while, to the point that looking at children brought me to the verge of tears. Everyone looks so happy, so oblivious to the real world, the real world where children get virus's and die and there is nothing thier mom and dad can do about it because no one in the fucking United States of America with power will do a damn thing about it!! I want to scream it to everyone, the ignorance of it all. The most frustrating thing about it all is, why would they be happy? 100 bucks says they have no idea what CMV is or what it stands for. How can I be angry and blame them? I want to blame someone though. I've heard its not my fault a million time, there is nothing I could have done. Tell me a million more times and I will still tell you that I cant see that now. I gave her the virus, I couldnt protect her, I couldnt save her and she came from me with no hope. If that isnt a way to shut down a woman's sole purpose in life, I dont know what else does.
Your blue eyes, how bright they would have shined today. The smiles, the laughter, the giggles, the kisses, the messes- I want them all and I will not get them!!!!! Can someone please just take a knife and slice it down my chest through my heart. Someone might as well, but wait it wouldnt matter. I have a hole in my heart- the knife would miss. I wish there was more I could do to fight this CMV Chloe. It feels like everything is moving at a glacial place and I am always full speed ahead. Ive been told that the first year after the death of a child is the hardest and that the grief usually doesnt become "managable" until after 2 years. As I type this I am sad, angry, and just plain fucking pissed. How can this be the next 50 years of my life? I am to mark the emptyness with not so much as hearing your voice. This truly does not make sense, it is the biggest bass-ackwards shit I have ever heard.
Today I kept your baby blanket with me all day. I thought the fresh air would be nice. When we leave this place will I still feel this empty? Will it be easier than today? I have not played the hospital over in my mind yet; I will save that for later when I cannot sleep. It's coming, I already know. I need to keep it together for your brothers and sisters. If they were not here, I would not have any sanity left. I need them as much as they need me I think, but my reasons are far different than thiers. They have no idea, and I am glad. They know far to much about suffering, pain, and death for thier age. If I can make the world know CMV, I will. There is no doubt that this mountain will be conquered by me, someone, anybody someday. There are others who dispise this virus as much as I do. Eventually something will have to give, someone will have to listen. I will be knocking some heads around if this snail pace wont let up.
Oh sweet girl, we will leave it at this for now. I will save the narsasistic animal mommy rage for later. I love you, I miss you, I so badly just want to hold you again. If only just one more time.

Thank you Christmas for being over....

Chloe,
Christmas and New Years has come and gone. I know I probably should have written something, but I just couldnt. Your brother and sisters were gone the whole time. It was just your Daddy, me, and your monkey of a brother. I dont know if it was because I wasnt going a million miles an hour, or if I had too much time off, but it has been the saddest and most lonely I have ever been since you were taken from me. Christmas is supposed to be a joyous time about family and making memories, but the only memories I can think of was last year. Having you in my belly, kicking, moving, keeping me up at night. I miss that feeling, the feeling of having a purpose. I had one, I was going to become your mother, but in order to do that I had to keep you safe until it was your time to come greet us in this big world. But it never happened. My purpose was stripped from me, I didnt keep you safe. I couldnt save you. Chirstmas is just a reminder of all that. I tried to make it as memorable as I could for your brother, but I think I failed. I think I always fail at what I do now.
Time ticked by slowly, almost dragging and that has never been an issue in our overwhelming lives. To think that you would be 11 months old on christmas day. Now just around the corner, the anniversary of your death. I just dont understand this life I have been thrusted into. I didnt ask for it, I didnt want it. Now, I can barely live in it, but like I always do, I find a way to push on.
Im praying, trying, and dying to get through this next month. I cant believe this time has gone by already and yet it has passed like mollasses. What am I to do without you?  Life has gone on around me and sometimes I want to scream to world and say "Dont you remember she is dead?" "Why are you all so happy?" My Chloe is dead, I hate that word. I have never said that word so many times in my life as I have in this short time. It's almost a alternate universe when you are pregnant and ready to give life, when that word is used the most. This fucked up little universe I live in can go fuck itself and CMV, I will make sure it's existence cannot be traced. I hate this Chloe, I do. I wish I had more uplifting things to say, but I guess I really never do. Work will be work, school will still keep me busy (for 6 more classes anyway) and my existance will be marked with the milestones that you will never reach, the moments I will never share with your, and the experiences you were robbed of. This cannot be a healthy way to view life. But what is life, if you are broken, empty and a part of you is missing or in this case, dead as well.
I am hoping for a better year in 2013. Not better in the sense that I will ever be over you, or that this will ever feel better, but in a sense that I can be posative and more motivated to make a difference. I cannot sleep all the time, I can no longer sulk and drown myself in tears when I am alone. I need to move past my debilitating grief and try to live for your with the best of my ability. Dont get me wrong Angel, you are worth every tear, every cry, scream and every moment I stay in bed and avoid the world. But your brothers and sisters are worth just as much, and they need life. They need to have a thriving, happy life. I will do my best, I know there will be days, I know I will forever hate this, but at least I can try harder. For them, for you, for your daddy, and when the time is right-for me.
 I will never embrace this life, I will never accept that you were taken from me, but I can get better at putting that smile on my face, I can wear something other than sweat pants, and I can occasionally put on some crazy nail polish and lip gloss on.
I love you Angel, there is no way you couldn't know that. If you dont, then I will find a way to make sure you do for the rest of my life.
I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again....

Mommy

Silent Night

Chloe,
Christmas has come and gone. I thought I would be doing allot worse, but I think it is all masked by the numbness. The house is quiet-too quiet. The only children in the house is your brother Ayden. The other children are gone this christmas break. I hate how quiet the house is, like it echoes with every breathe I take. I dont know how to feel, what to feel, what to do, or how to do it. I just wander through the days keeping myself overwhelmingly busy, so at least maybe I can keep the emptiness from taking over. Your first christmas has come and gone. I wish I could have seen your eyes light up with the twinkel of all the christmas lights. I hung a stocking for you, nothing fancy, but it has a "C" embroidered on red velvet. On the christmas tree I hung a ornament of pink baby shoes that say in that cliche way- "babies first chirstmas". I tried to include you as much as I could, but at the end of the day when I head to bed, your still gone, your still dead, you will never know what christmas is. Christmas is signifigant not just because of the holiday, but becuase in 30 days exactly it will be your birthday, or death day, or whatever day it is. It is pretty much the day I died. I am not looking foward to the next couple of months. What a crock of shit this has turned out for us. Your daddy makes holidays so special though. He can cook up the best food, the house  always smells like heaven while he is in the kitchen. I cleaned house most of the day to bet ready for company. It was a nice small gathering of your grandpa and aunt Samie and your cousin Damien. It's hard to look at the christmas tree and wonder why I even put it up at all. I know your brothers and sisters love it, but now I know that a tree is not important. The fragile short time with my children is what is important. I will put on my brave face and I will  make everything as memorable as I can for them, but it kills me. I'm still dying a little more everyday. I dont know when it started hitting me. I started the day off well, so I thought, but I feel it again, or should I say I feel nothing again. The numbness, the emptiness, I didnt even realize I was hurting until the end of the night. The end where I had used all my energy up holding back the tears, missing you, and keeping my smile on my face that I was exhausted by the end of the night. Is every christmas going to feel this way? Will I always feel as empty as your stocking hanging on the wall. I could be sitting around our tree with all of your brothers and sisters, your auties, cousins, grandpa opening all the presents and it will still feel like there is something missing. The void in the room is there, but nobody talks about it.
I know this next month will be hard, probably the hardest month yet. Does it ever get any easier baby girl? When will I be able to feel something other than pain, anger, sometimes even hate. But through all of the agony, how can I feel the most profound love for you? I get so confused, so frustrated. Your daddy knew something was wrong last night, I know I dont have to tell him, but he so sweet and asks anyway. "I miss her too baby",  I know he does. I know he misses you so much.
Well baby girl, I will end this one short tonight. There is not enough slamming on this keyboard I could possibly do to make this pain any less real than it already is. Can we meet up in my dreams tonight? I have a present for you, I only wish I could give it to you the way I should be able to.
I love you Angel, more than you will ever comprehend. Thank you for the snow on christmas baby.
Until I hold you again,

Mommy

Let it snow....and CMV can suck it!

Chloe,
I have battled back and forth with what I have wanted to say to you. I am all over the place. I was hoping I would handle this holiday crap better, but I am not. I feel like the grinch and all I want to do is hide in bed and wait for it all to be over. Soon the 25th of December will come and exactly a month later on 25 January it will be your birthday or deathday. How do you say that in one word?  You would be 1, the most important birthday of all. How will I spend that day? Oh I dont know, I might just scream at every person I walk by about how thier life is better than mine. How they have children to spend this time with. I know, it sounds stupid. I am spinning out of control, I can feel it. My entire body is hurting everywhere but my mind is numb, it's like I have tuned the world out. This was how it was a year ago. The beginning of the end as I refer to it. Your Angels were hard at work again doing some awarenss and fund raising at the hospital craft bizzaar. It is so weird to me that I get so excited about these events and I enjoy them while I am there, but for days afterwards I am emotionally and physically uncontrollable. Since then it seems that I have been on a downward spiral to another dark time. Afterall, around here I may see the sun for 4-5 hours, why not live in the dark? I can become a hermit and never leave the house. I could wear my pj's all day long and not give a rats ass. What a great idea huh? No, I know it's not, but it is really the only thing I want to do. I have been feeling sick, I have stomach pains, Im weak and fatigued, and I know it's because your gone. My nights are becoming more restless and I wish this would all pass. I walk around work with dizzy spells and I know I am not hiding this well at all. How could I? My precious baby is gone. I feel more hopeless and sad that I have in a while. The feelings are always there, but now it feels like I am getting ready to go to the hospital again, to meet you, kiss your little face. Your cold, life-less face. I wonder every second of everyday what you would be doing right now. Smiling? running around? playing dress up? Your mommy has never been good at the girly thing, but for you I would have bought you the entire Barbie collection and I would have played with you for hours. Whatever you wanted babygirl, I would be at your becon call. I just wish I knew where you were, this isnt how it's supposed to be. Im your mother, I should know where you are at all times, but to not even have the choice- it kills me everyday.
The mystery of life after death is killing me. Are you somewhere warm? Is it dark? Can you feel anything? Are you alone? Do you know who I am, and if you saw me again would you run to me? So many unanswered questions, it's such a jacked up way to live.
I want nothing more than to leave this place behind and live somewhere else. I know this will not fix everything, but maybe it would be enought to get me out of this funk. No matter where I go that fucking virus CMV will follow. There is not enough funk in this world that could keep me from getting the word out about this horrible virus. Children suffer, babies dies and parents are left to make sense of it all. This is absolutly unsat! Maybe if we get transferred to ever state and country with an Air Force base before me and Daddy retire maybe I will be able to get the world out there enought that the medical community will listen. I am so tired of meeting people in medicine, healing people, and saving lives that have no fucking clue what CMV is. If I hear that CMV is "not a currently not a threat" I will kick someone in the face hole. Hey Doc, I have a great idea-let's wait to do something until the virus has complely consumed everything and then maybe we should give a shit. I call it the "after the fact approach" or let's just call it what it is- fucking lazy ass ignorance. I have been trying to set up a gift wrapping fund raiser, but time is running out and your brothers and sisters have performances here, activities there, and homework out the ears I have to remember where the priorities lie, but if I can squeeze it in, you know I will.
Well baby, it's time for me to go. Much to do and headed off to start my second job! (laundry ;0)
I love you, I miss you, until I see you again.

Mommy

Tired of feeling the bitter cold

Chloe, it's freezing cold outside all the time. I dont think the temprature got above 10 degrees today. While dropping your brothers and sisters off this morning my truck said -6. Really? After 24 years of living in this state you would think I would be used to it. Im not though, not even close. Last winter was a total blur. The kids, fighting for custody, finding out I was pregnant, meeting the bitch CMV for the first time, winning in court, losing you only 10 days later. I really dont remember how cold it was last year. I know that Anchorage broke the record snow fall but I cant remember when it snowed. I cant remember if I shoveled or went sledding or snowboarding. Would it really matter if I did. You will never get to do that. Chloe this sucks, everything is so hard. My body aches and is stiff at the mere sight of looking out the window. All the trees, my truck, the bushes are covered in a thick layer of ice. It has been sunny beyond belief, all the sun we were wanting this last summer finally showed up, only 4 months late!!. I think it is bullshit by the way. I miss my bittersweet ignorant state I used to be in. I went through the first 7 months without you like I could make it through everything. Hello grief, hello pain, hello tears, hello sleepness nights, hello PTSD, hello depression, hello empty, and fuck you CMV. CMV is like the sorry coward bitch that sneaks it's way into your life, sleeps with you once only to leave shortly after without warning, a word, but has taken the liberty of stripping you of everything happy in your life. Taking life itself. This is bullshit. I hate fucking poker, I dont gamble, I havent played a card game in years and these are the cards I am dealt. Sometimes life is the cruel bitch and I wonder if there isnt some underground drug deal between life, carma, and all the sicknesses in the world. The worst part is, there is no answer to WHY?
The holidays approach yet again, the 25th of December, then exactly a month later your Angelversary on 25 January. How the hell am I supposed to do this Angel? I try to have a plan made up in my mind, but it doesnt feel like anything is going to work. I can keep ignoring it like I have been, but that hasnt done me any good in the last 10 months. There is no where to hide, but CMV can set up camp for the rest of my life wherever it wants. I'm sorry this is so angry tonight angel. I just got out of trig class so you can only imagine how fried my brain is. I am toast!!! I feel like taking all of my agression from trig class out on that piece of shit ass CMV.
I could swear I saw you today. Everywhere you were there, in all the blonde haired, blue eyed little girls I saw. Dropping Ayden off at school this morning as I hugged and kissed him goodbye I had to make my way past a sleepy and cuddely little girl. Her name was Chloe. Great way to start my morning, I know. I smiled though. Not the "I am so fucking happy I look like I slept with a hangar in my mouth" smile. But a gentle and hidden smile of how I love to hear your name. I could hear it all day.
I cant stop thinking of what could have been. Your birthday approaches and I  am flooded with so many memories (that I of course have made up), but you are certainly walking. Your laugh is so loud and adorable, and your smile can light up the room even when you not physically in it. Where are you? Why are you not here. What the hell am I supposed to do now?  I will carry on and love and care for your brothers and sisters, but it breaks my heart that a piece of the puzzle is missing from this family. You are missing from this family. The christmas tree is up, yes the damn tree is up. Why arent you crawling up to the tree ripping all the ornaments off? Why are there not any presents for you under the tree. Where is this life of mine going to? I just dont understand this. I need you here, I need you help me live, we all need you. This house hasn't been the same sent you left. You have never been in this house, but your absence has rocked it all the same. I hate that bedroom across the hall where the guest bedroom furniture take up space. The space where your crib should have been. I hate walking in that room, I hate the furniture in that room, I just hate allot of things I guess. Wow babygirl, this is enough rambling on for tonight. It's late, I cant avoid the enevitanble. I will miss you, I will ache for you, I will not sleep, but through all of that I will love you so.
Goodnight my Angel. I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again...

Mommy

To give thanks, or not to give thanks.....

Chloe,
I have had a rough couple of days. Not suprising I am sure, but last night I had a longing to hold you again. Instead, I laid in bed drenching your baby blanket with my tears. I miss you. I know you know that. The holidays approach and I find myself in a panic. It's like I do not know how to handle all of this. There is so much to do, so little time. I hate going present shopping, I have to walk down the isles. All the little girl toy sections and everything so cute and wrapped perfectly. It all screams Chloe wants this!!!  Sometimes I feel like buying it all up. I could wrap it up and place it under the tree with your name on it, just like if you were here. But your not, you will never be. Everything is coming back to me from last year. It is flooding my brain with memories or nightmares would better describe it. All these memories bring grief to my heart. Last year I was pregnant with you and at this time we knew you were sick. I had undergone the first round of experimental treatment and we were just waiting our time to see if you would be able to bounce back. Two days before thanksgiving (so that would be like- tomorrow!) we discovered that it was not working. After thanksgiving i would go back in again for another round of poking, needles, blood, pills, and tears. It is so hard to give thanks, to be thankful or happy in general. Time is drifting us further and further apart from when I saw you last. I dont like this "time" business. I dont feel myself getting any better. I just feel myself missing you more. I try to keep a smile on my face, especially for your brothers and sisters. It's hard, especially when they complain or talk about all the things they want that they dont have. I have told them to be thankful, to be happy for what they have because you would give anything to be here. To see your first christmas tree, to eat your first turkey, to open your first present and to play in the snow for the first time. I would pull you around in your little sled.  You could have seen your first snowfall, the way christmas lights glisten in the frost. All these wonderful things and yet I cannot find one bit of beauty in them right now.
So I started this post a few days ago babygirl. I'm sorry I didnt finish it. My body is trying to tell me something. Eventhough I know that a year ago during this time, I was pregnant with you. My mind knows these dates of importance, but my body can feel them. I have been hurting so much lately, my nights are even more restless just like last year, and my body aches for you. It is all so surreal, like it all happened yesterday. Last Thursday I went somewhere that I never thougth I would go. I went to the hospital where we were diagnosed and met with the sweet old doctor who tried to help us save you. He is a gentle soul, always so generous whenever your daddy and I saw him. The purpose of the trip was to talk some CMV stuff and to get a feel for the Alaska OBGYN network. Luckily our Karen came and was ready to do all the talking. I really didnt think much about going there. I was excited to finally get a call back from a doctor. It wasnt until I was waiting in the lobby of the doctors office staring at the same stupid ass tree that was decorated the same stupid ass way as it was last year. I think on that same day last year I stood in front of that tree, pacing frantically.  I felt the panic coming on. It felt exactly the same as last year, only you werent with me. No big belly, no kicking, just heart break. I thought I was handeling every thing pretty well. We finally got called back and I had to keep chasing all the nurses away from me who wanted to get my weight and my vitals. I kept telling them that I was just here for a chat, that I am not pregnant. That actually was really hard to say. We were ushered back and that's when panic almost turned to complete and utter mahem. We were taken into the same exact room where your daddy and I learned that you could not be saved, and to add insult to injury, I was sitting in the same exact chair where I rubbed the truck keys into the side of the chair; the marks still there. I kept telling myself I hope this doesnt take long.. Then a familair face, it was Dr. Gilsen's midwife Bethany. She knew exactly who I was without hesitation she walked over and gave me a big hug. Her embrace sweet and warming, but still oh so painful. We sat and caught up on the last year, how I am doing since you were taken from me. Not so good, as good as I can and I'll servive. You know babygirl, the usual. Nothing was as worse as sitting in that room and hearing the echoes of heartbeats surround every wall of that place. Healthy, strong baby heartbeats, followed by beaming and happy mother's voices. "everything is looking good", "You are coming along well". I sat there selfishly thinking what the hell? Where was mine? All I got was " I dont know" and 'We'll wait and see".  I do not blame Dr. Gilsen or Bethany, if it wasnt for them, I'm not sure if we would have ever found out. None of this was supposed to be our path. This was never supposed to happen. Talking with Dr. Gilsen was good, productive. I think Karen and I might have found a support network to start working this CMV stuff.
I couldnt leave that hospital fast enough. The trip back to work was filled with so much emotion. I felt dazed, lost, confused and angry all over again. These emotions feeling so raw. I spent the rest of the day on the verge of tears. Only letting few loose at a time. There seems like there is never enough time to grieve for you, to miss you. It is always non-stop around here and sometimes I ignore the grief. I push it aside until in errupts to the point of disaster. I dont know where Im going with this tonight, all I can say is that I miss you so much. I dont know how Im going to make it through these next few months. I fucking hate you CMV.
That's enough for now babygirl, it hurts too much. I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.

Mommy