Silent Night

Chloe,
Christmas has come and gone. I thought I would be doing allot worse, but I think it is all masked by the numbness. The house is quiet-too quiet. The only children in the house is your brother Ayden. The other children are gone this christmas break. I hate how quiet the house is, like it echoes with every breathe I take. I dont know how to feel, what to feel, what to do, or how to do it. I just wander through the days keeping myself overwhelmingly busy, so at least maybe I can keep the emptiness from taking over. Your first christmas has come and gone. I wish I could have seen your eyes light up with the twinkel of all the christmas lights. I hung a stocking for you, nothing fancy, but it has a "C" embroidered on red velvet. On the christmas tree I hung a ornament of pink baby shoes that say in that cliche way- "babies first chirstmas". I tried to include you as much as I could, but at the end of the day when I head to bed, your still gone, your still dead, you will never know what christmas is. Christmas is signifigant not just because of the holiday, but becuase in 30 days exactly it will be your birthday, or death day, or whatever day it is. It is pretty much the day I died. I am not looking foward to the next couple of months. What a crock of shit this has turned out for us. Your daddy makes holidays so special though. He can cook up the best food, the house  always smells like heaven while he is in the kitchen. I cleaned house most of the day to bet ready for company. It was a nice small gathering of your grandpa and aunt Samie and your cousin Damien. It's hard to look at the christmas tree and wonder why I even put it up at all. I know your brothers and sisters love it, but now I know that a tree is not important. The fragile short time with my children is what is important. I will put on my brave face and I will  make everything as memorable as I can for them, but it kills me. I'm still dying a little more everyday. I dont know when it started hitting me. I started the day off well, so I thought, but I feel it again, or should I say I feel nothing again. The numbness, the emptiness, I didnt even realize I was hurting until the end of the night. The end where I had used all my energy up holding back the tears, missing you, and keeping my smile on my face that I was exhausted by the end of the night. Is every christmas going to feel this way? Will I always feel as empty as your stocking hanging on the wall. I could be sitting around our tree with all of your brothers and sisters, your auties, cousins, grandpa opening all the presents and it will still feel like there is something missing. The void in the room is there, but nobody talks about it.
I know this next month will be hard, probably the hardest month yet. Does it ever get any easier baby girl? When will I be able to feel something other than pain, anger, sometimes even hate. But through all of the agony, how can I feel the most profound love for you? I get so confused, so frustrated. Your daddy knew something was wrong last night, I know I dont have to tell him, but he so sweet and asks anyway. "I miss her too baby",  I know he does. I know he misses you so much.
Well baby girl, I will end this one short tonight. There is not enough slamming on this keyboard I could possibly do to make this pain any less real than it already is. Can we meet up in my dreams tonight? I have a present for you, I only wish I could give it to you the way I should be able to.
I love you Angel, more than you will ever comprehend. Thank you for the snow on christmas baby.
Until I hold you again,

Mommy

Let it snow....and CMV can suck it!

Chloe,
I have battled back and forth with what I have wanted to say to you. I am all over the place. I was hoping I would handle this holiday crap better, but I am not. I feel like the grinch and all I want to do is hide in bed and wait for it all to be over. Soon the 25th of December will come and exactly a month later on 25 January it will be your birthday or deathday. How do you say that in one word?  You would be 1, the most important birthday of all. How will I spend that day? Oh I dont know, I might just scream at every person I walk by about how thier life is better than mine. How they have children to spend this time with. I know, it sounds stupid. I am spinning out of control, I can feel it. My entire body is hurting everywhere but my mind is numb, it's like I have tuned the world out. This was how it was a year ago. The beginning of the end as I refer to it. Your Angels were hard at work again doing some awarenss and fund raising at the hospital craft bizzaar. It is so weird to me that I get so excited about these events and I enjoy them while I am there, but for days afterwards I am emotionally and physically uncontrollable. Since then it seems that I have been on a downward spiral to another dark time. Afterall, around here I may see the sun for 4-5 hours, why not live in the dark? I can become a hermit and never leave the house. I could wear my pj's all day long and not give a rats ass. What a great idea huh? No, I know it's not, but it is really the only thing I want to do. I have been feeling sick, I have stomach pains, Im weak and fatigued, and I know it's because your gone. My nights are becoming more restless and I wish this would all pass. I walk around work with dizzy spells and I know I am not hiding this well at all. How could I? My precious baby is gone. I feel more hopeless and sad that I have in a while. The feelings are always there, but now it feels like I am getting ready to go to the hospital again, to meet you, kiss your little face. Your cold, life-less face. I wonder every second of everyday what you would be doing right now. Smiling? running around? playing dress up? Your mommy has never been good at the girly thing, but for you I would have bought you the entire Barbie collection and I would have played with you for hours. Whatever you wanted babygirl, I would be at your becon call. I just wish I knew where you were, this isnt how it's supposed to be. Im your mother, I should know where you are at all times, but to not even have the choice- it kills me everyday.
The mystery of life after death is killing me. Are you somewhere warm? Is it dark? Can you feel anything? Are you alone? Do you know who I am, and if you saw me again would you run to me? So many unanswered questions, it's such a jacked up way to live.
I want nothing more than to leave this place behind and live somewhere else. I know this will not fix everything, but maybe it would be enought to get me out of this funk. No matter where I go that fucking virus CMV will follow. There is not enough funk in this world that could keep me from getting the word out about this horrible virus. Children suffer, babies dies and parents are left to make sense of it all. This is absolutly unsat! Maybe if we get transferred to ever state and country with an Air Force base before me and Daddy retire maybe I will be able to get the world out there enought that the medical community will listen. I am so tired of meeting people in medicine, healing people, and saving lives that have no fucking clue what CMV is. If I hear that CMV is "not a currently not a threat" I will kick someone in the face hole. Hey Doc, I have a great idea-let's wait to do something until the virus has complely consumed everything and then maybe we should give a shit. I call it the "after the fact approach" or let's just call it what it is- fucking lazy ass ignorance. I have been trying to set up a gift wrapping fund raiser, but time is running out and your brothers and sisters have performances here, activities there, and homework out the ears I have to remember where the priorities lie, but if I can squeeze it in, you know I will.
Well baby, it's time for me to go. Much to do and headed off to start my second job! (laundry ;0)
I love you, I miss you, until I see you again.

Mommy

Tired of feeling the bitter cold

Chloe, it's freezing cold outside all the time. I dont think the temprature got above 10 degrees today. While dropping your brothers and sisters off this morning my truck said -6. Really? After 24 years of living in this state you would think I would be used to it. Im not though, not even close. Last winter was a total blur. The kids, fighting for custody, finding out I was pregnant, meeting the bitch CMV for the first time, winning in court, losing you only 10 days later. I really dont remember how cold it was last year. I know that Anchorage broke the record snow fall but I cant remember when it snowed. I cant remember if I shoveled or went sledding or snowboarding. Would it really matter if I did. You will never get to do that. Chloe this sucks, everything is so hard. My body aches and is stiff at the mere sight of looking out the window. All the trees, my truck, the bushes are covered in a thick layer of ice. It has been sunny beyond belief, all the sun we were wanting this last summer finally showed up, only 4 months late!!. I think it is bullshit by the way. I miss my bittersweet ignorant state I used to be in. I went through the first 7 months without you like I could make it through everything. Hello grief, hello pain, hello tears, hello sleepness nights, hello PTSD, hello depression, hello empty, and fuck you CMV. CMV is like the sorry coward bitch that sneaks it's way into your life, sleeps with you once only to leave shortly after without warning, a word, but has taken the liberty of stripping you of everything happy in your life. Taking life itself. This is bullshit. I hate fucking poker, I dont gamble, I havent played a card game in years and these are the cards I am dealt. Sometimes life is the cruel bitch and I wonder if there isnt some underground drug deal between life, carma, and all the sicknesses in the world. The worst part is, there is no answer to WHY?
The holidays approach yet again, the 25th of December, then exactly a month later your Angelversary on 25 January. How the hell am I supposed to do this Angel? I try to have a plan made up in my mind, but it doesnt feel like anything is going to work. I can keep ignoring it like I have been, but that hasnt done me any good in the last 10 months. There is no where to hide, but CMV can set up camp for the rest of my life wherever it wants. I'm sorry this is so angry tonight angel. I just got out of trig class so you can only imagine how fried my brain is. I am toast!!! I feel like taking all of my agression from trig class out on that piece of shit ass CMV.
I could swear I saw you today. Everywhere you were there, in all the blonde haired, blue eyed little girls I saw. Dropping Ayden off at school this morning as I hugged and kissed him goodbye I had to make my way past a sleepy and cuddely little girl. Her name was Chloe. Great way to start my morning, I know. I smiled though. Not the "I am so fucking happy I look like I slept with a hangar in my mouth" smile. But a gentle and hidden smile of how I love to hear your name. I could hear it all day.
I cant stop thinking of what could have been. Your birthday approaches and I  am flooded with so many memories (that I of course have made up), but you are certainly walking. Your laugh is so loud and adorable, and your smile can light up the room even when you not physically in it. Where are you? Why are you not here. What the hell am I supposed to do now?  I will carry on and love and care for your brothers and sisters, but it breaks my heart that a piece of the puzzle is missing from this family. You are missing from this family. The christmas tree is up, yes the damn tree is up. Why arent you crawling up to the tree ripping all the ornaments off? Why are there not any presents for you under the tree. Where is this life of mine going to? I just dont understand this. I need you here, I need you help me live, we all need you. This house hasn't been the same sent you left. You have never been in this house, but your absence has rocked it all the same. I hate that bedroom across the hall where the guest bedroom furniture take up space. The space where your crib should have been. I hate walking in that room, I hate the furniture in that room, I just hate allot of things I guess. Wow babygirl, this is enough rambling on for tonight. It's late, I cant avoid the enevitanble. I will miss you, I will ache for you, I will not sleep, but through all of that I will love you so.
Goodnight my Angel. I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again...

Mommy

To give thanks, or not to give thanks.....

Chloe,
I have had a rough couple of days. Not suprising I am sure, but last night I had a longing to hold you again. Instead, I laid in bed drenching your baby blanket with my tears. I miss you. I know you know that. The holidays approach and I find myself in a panic. It's like I do not know how to handle all of this. There is so much to do, so little time. I hate going present shopping, I have to walk down the isles. All the little girl toy sections and everything so cute and wrapped perfectly. It all screams Chloe wants this!!!  Sometimes I feel like buying it all up. I could wrap it up and place it under the tree with your name on it, just like if you were here. But your not, you will never be. Everything is coming back to me from last year. It is flooding my brain with memories or nightmares would better describe it. All these memories bring grief to my heart. Last year I was pregnant with you and at this time we knew you were sick. I had undergone the first round of experimental treatment and we were just waiting our time to see if you would be able to bounce back. Two days before thanksgiving (so that would be like- tomorrow!) we discovered that it was not working. After thanksgiving i would go back in again for another round of poking, needles, blood, pills, and tears. It is so hard to give thanks, to be thankful or happy in general. Time is drifting us further and further apart from when I saw you last. I dont like this "time" business. I dont feel myself getting any better. I just feel myself missing you more. I try to keep a smile on my face, especially for your brothers and sisters. It's hard, especially when they complain or talk about all the things they want that they dont have. I have told them to be thankful, to be happy for what they have because you would give anything to be here. To see your first christmas tree, to eat your first turkey, to open your first present and to play in the snow for the first time. I would pull you around in your little sled.  You could have seen your first snowfall, the way christmas lights glisten in the frost. All these wonderful things and yet I cannot find one bit of beauty in them right now.
So I started this post a few days ago babygirl. I'm sorry I didnt finish it. My body is trying to tell me something. Eventhough I know that a year ago during this time, I was pregnant with you. My mind knows these dates of importance, but my body can feel them. I have been hurting so much lately, my nights are even more restless just like last year, and my body aches for you. It is all so surreal, like it all happened yesterday. Last Thursday I went somewhere that I never thougth I would go. I went to the hospital where we were diagnosed and met with the sweet old doctor who tried to help us save you. He is a gentle soul, always so generous whenever your daddy and I saw him. The purpose of the trip was to talk some CMV stuff and to get a feel for the Alaska OBGYN network. Luckily our Karen came and was ready to do all the talking. I really didnt think much about going there. I was excited to finally get a call back from a doctor. It wasnt until I was waiting in the lobby of the doctors office staring at the same stupid ass tree that was decorated the same stupid ass way as it was last year. I think on that same day last year I stood in front of that tree, pacing frantically.  I felt the panic coming on. It felt exactly the same as last year, only you werent with me. No big belly, no kicking, just heart break. I thought I was handeling every thing pretty well. We finally got called back and I had to keep chasing all the nurses away from me who wanted to get my weight and my vitals. I kept telling them that I was just here for a chat, that I am not pregnant. That actually was really hard to say. We were ushered back and that's when panic almost turned to complete and utter mahem. We were taken into the same exact room where your daddy and I learned that you could not be saved, and to add insult to injury, I was sitting in the same exact chair where I rubbed the truck keys into the side of the chair; the marks still there. I kept telling myself I hope this doesnt take long.. Then a familair face, it was Dr. Gilsen's midwife Bethany. She knew exactly who I was without hesitation she walked over and gave me a big hug. Her embrace sweet and warming, but still oh so painful. We sat and caught up on the last year, how I am doing since you were taken from me. Not so good, as good as I can and I'll servive. You know babygirl, the usual. Nothing was as worse as sitting in that room and hearing the echoes of heartbeats surround every wall of that place. Healthy, strong baby heartbeats, followed by beaming and happy mother's voices. "everything is looking good", "You are coming along well". I sat there selfishly thinking what the hell? Where was mine? All I got was " I dont know" and 'We'll wait and see".  I do not blame Dr. Gilsen or Bethany, if it wasnt for them, I'm not sure if we would have ever found out. None of this was supposed to be our path. This was never supposed to happen. Talking with Dr. Gilsen was good, productive. I think Karen and I might have found a support network to start working this CMV stuff.
I couldnt leave that hospital fast enough. The trip back to work was filled with so much emotion. I felt dazed, lost, confused and angry all over again. These emotions feeling so raw. I spent the rest of the day on the verge of tears. Only letting few loose at a time. There seems like there is never enough time to grieve for you, to miss you. It is always non-stop around here and sometimes I ignore the grief. I push it aside until in errupts to the point of disaster. I dont know where Im going with this tonight, all I can say is that I miss you so much. I dont know how Im going to make it through these next few months. I fucking hate you CMV.
That's enough for now babygirl, it hurts too much. I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.

Mommy

If only I could be president!

I have to chuckle at the title of this blog baby girl. Who in thier right mind would vote for me to be president? None of that really matters for the simple fact that it will never happen. If I was though, could you imagine all the good I could do? It would be so easy to do your work and make legislation that required vaccine research on CMV and how everyone in the world would some how be informed about this horrible virus. Hell, I would even mandate that it is part of middle school sex education. I know that job is harder than it looks, but nothing could possibly be as hard as living without your dead child. I would take the long hours, time consuming events and countless signing of papers than to live this life without you.
I am glad the election is over Chloe. I saw a woman who brought her baby to the polls yesterday. She was so small, still in the carrier. That should of been us. I didnt look long, I still cant look at other babies, it hurts too much. I see you in all of them. I have to confess something Angel. Yesterday was the first time I have voted. I am not proud of this fact, but I finally voted for the first time at 30 years old. At first when election time was gearing up, I really didnt care. My child is dead! Why the hell would I vote? Nothing seems to matter, but it hit me yesterday- I had to vote. I had to. Not because I have some politcal agenda, quite frankly I really didnt know which one was the lesser of two evils. I sat in a chair waiting for your sister's counseling appointment. Looking out the window across the street was a sign that said "vote here". That's when it hit, like most things. I have to vote, I just have to!- because you will never get the chance. I didnt just have my voice to speak out for, I had two. You do these thing to me my lovie. You have made me realize my ignorance, my blind existance and that my reality was not reality. Any good that I do, I do because of you. If I never get to vote again, or if I never get to change the world of CMV, then the one thing I will say is that you have changed me no matter what. Life will never be the same, I will never be the same. I cant deny that I have done more good in my life since your death 9 months ago than I ever have in all my life. What a douche bag Ive been. I feel it, I know it in my heart that you would be looking at me telling me to do this. How you would do all the wonderful things in life if only you were breathing. I hate that it took losing you for me to realize that I have missed out on so much. That I have taken things for granted. Afterall, women did not always have the right to vote, and I chose not to. I know baby girl, it's stupid.
Thank you for the glimmer of light you show me in the darkness. This zombie like state I function in is only tolerable because I can see you in everything. There is nothing more I wish than to be with you. I am trying to wait my time, but until then I will just have to live life for you.
This is all for now Angel. I love you, I miss you, Until I hold you again.

Mommy


https://www.facebook.com/Angels4Chloe#!/Angels4Chloe

If I had a choice, everyone would know your name...

I love you Angel, I thought everybody shoud too...


https://www.facebook.com/#!/Angels4Chloe

Operation: Halloween sucks

Hey my sweet Angel, How are you? I have been thinking about you allot, not that it ever stops, but there are times when the acheing and yerning are unbearable. I dont know why I give a rats ass about Halloween. I remember Ayden's first Halloween and he could only stand to be in his dinasour constum all of 45 min before the melt down commenced. We had fun handing out candy; if I recall, the temprature was below freezing. Not much fun for a one year old. I dreaded today, but luckily I was able to avoid it like the plague. For the first time in my life, I was excited to go to trigonometry class. How crazy does that sound? No baby girl, your mother did not suddenly develope this love for math overnight. I was happy and somewhat relieved that class was during trick or treat time. I was able to avoid the adorable bumble bee outfits, the princesses of all types, the little girls who look so adorable no matter how ugly the costume. It sounds silly, but last year when I was pregnant with you handing out candy, I had already picked out your costume. You were supposed to wear it tonight. You would have been adorable. But no, it is just another milestone on my list of a thousand milstones that will never happen, not in this lifetime. I think daddy avoided it to. The kids werent too worried about Halloween. He packed everybody up and they went out for hot chocolate and came home to watch a movie. I think that is a better alternative than celebrating a holiday that originated from death. How silly it seems to me now. But I cant deny that seeing you in your costume would have made my day complete.
As relieved as I was to have avoided Halloween, it still wasn't enough to keep me from being sad. Sad about everything, not just Halloween. It's all the holidays, experiences, firsts, and milestones that I was robbed of. I will never see you in a costume, I will never hear you laugh when you see your costume makeup for the first time. I will never get to hold your hand as we walk up to a strangers door because you are too shy to ring the door bell by yourself. I will never sit in the living room with you and dump your bag of candy on the floor as we rummage through the good stuff and toss the junk candy. But most of all, I will never see you off to your first day of kindergarten, I will never comfort you as you experience the heartbreak of your first love, I will never  have the opportunity embarrass you in front of your prom date, and I will never see you in a wedding dress. Fuck costumes, they can all burn right now. When these times start to draw near I notice the changes in myself. Ive had more nightmares, restless sleep, and feelings of complete and utter defeat. School is kicking my ass youngin. I am working hard; all I want to do is set a good example for your brothers and sisters and to make you and your daddy proud of me.I feel like I am so far behind. I have done so much, but does it really count? Life counts, happiness counts, and above all family counts. I have been told since you left me that I was a strong person. I look back, and I am trying to define what strong means? I don't feel strong when I am curled up in a ball gripping on to your urn for dear life. I don't feel strong when the sound of your name can drop me to my knees. I don't feel strong when there are days when I cant even get out of bed. Chloe, I don't know. Does it make me strong that I can make it through the day in my robotic state? I thought I was doing better, or at least showing some improvement, but then these days come. These stupid ass days that are nothing but reminders of what I will never get to do with you. All because of a virus, a virus that no body talks about,the government wont fund, and the CDC wont make mandatory at prenatal appointments. CMV can suck it, I am so over it. I will find a way to right the wrong that has been done to me and our family. I know it wont bring you back, but its a small piece of justice, or at least it will feel that way. Just think of how many sweet innocent babies could be helped if only the mother's knew about this. I am so happy to have found the stop cmv action network (stopcmv.org), but I think I might start a new one, called FU_CMV.org. I wonder how many people would join?  Until that day baby girl, I will keep chipping at this iceberg. You deserve that much. I only wish I could do more. Well sweet pea, its time for mommy to head to bed. Again mommy has failed to get to bed at a decent hour. I avoid that too; it's like a never ending haunted house. Only there is really death, and the house is really my life.
Just know I think of you constantly. I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again....


Mommy