Your name...

Dear Chloe,
I had a wonderful surprise today. My dear friend Allison whom I call my SIG (sister in grief) sent a wonderful card. You didn't know it but you participated in the MISS foundation Kindness walk where grieving families walk in memory of a child lost. Allison sent me your card, this was placed next to her two children (twins) Shelby and Dalton. You three are very close, all of our memories include the three of you causing mischief. Grief can cause profound extraordinary things to happen in life. This woman, Allison, I met online on the MISS foundation website. I read her post about losing her babies and she had lost them only weeks before I lost you. My message was short and sweet, letting her know that I would be praying for her and her babies. She replied and an instant bond took hold.  She even came up here to see me while her husband was on business downtown. It was a happy few days, we didn't cry about you three. We talked as if you were still here, with us downtown at that very moment. It felt good to talk to someone who understood- someone who wouldn't look at me like I was crazy while commencing the awkward silence that always seems to follow.
When I opened her letter and saw your name I cried. It truly was a beautiful surprise. I feel blessed to have such a "bondship" (its more than friendship), but I wish it would have been on different circumstances. Thinking about it, I would never have met that Chick bubbly Arizona woman who loves her pink jacket! ;0)
Thank you for sending her to me sweet Angel. I will always have a hole in my heart where a piece of yours should be, but I am thankful my heart is still beating- because it beats for your and your brothers and sisters. I love you so much.
I love you, i miss you....until I hold again...

Mommy

Missing you...

Its another day come and gone baby girl, and here I am again...not sleeping. You would have been so proud of me; I went two whole weeks without any help.  Now it has been 4 nights in a row; all I do is stare at your picture on the wall- I cant help it. I'm sorry Chloe, but I will be taking something to help me sleep. Its at least herbal, so don't look at mommy too disappointed. I miss you, its obvious- I cant help it. Ive been thinking about death allot lately, I feel its been in my life so much over the last 6 months. The old adage goes "death comes in threes". Your uncle Robbie was killed in a head on collision last November, you were in January and G. Grandma followed a month and a half later in March. Is it strange that I am numb? Is it strange that I looked at your Grandmother's casket  being dropped into the ground and I just stared at it?  I feel like I am "off", like I am crazy for not having all of these super emotions, that I am heartless maybe?
We did our camping trip down to Seward, and what fun we had. Your big brother was like a kid in a candy store, but in this case anything covered in mud was his chocolate. I did enjoy the time- I needed it. This time was bitter sweet though... everywhere we went, every experience we had, and every time your brother looked at me with the big blue eyes.. there you were; right beside him giving me the same big eyed look of wonder to what you were showing me in that moment. Its really silly Chloe, I took your brother shopping for boots and picked him up some extra tuffs... where are the pink ones? What in the world is my Chloe going to wear fishing?  I find I have to snap myself out of this very often. My alternate universe where you are here with us and everything is ok. Where you are the shadow of your brother and you two are inseparable. This is what I wished for with  your life, for both of you. 
I must tell you Chloe, that today your dad and I were angry. All it took was a simple shopping trip to Walmart to nearly sent us off the edge. As we approached the entrance to walmart your daddy and I nearly walked through at the same time with a couple. That couple seemed to have that glow- the one where he is holding her as they enter the door and her belly is out to no end. All of that glow was dimmed by the cigarette she put out as she went through the door. My blood boiled! How can this be? I work out, I eat right, I take care of myself, I do not smoke, rarely drink and you are telling me this woman is worthy to carry the life she is so blatantly poisoning her child while I stand here practically in tears because I was denied mine? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All I know now about life, is that it is not fair. Grief is not prejudice, it is certainly not kind, and now I feel as if it is mocking me. I just wish you were here.
But don't worry baby girl, no matter how bad the storm gets; the world shall know of you, your story and how much I love you.  I don't mean to bother you with such things, I only wish to see you one more time.
...I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again......Mommy

Heavy Heart

My dear sweet Chloe, it's been a rough week with out you. I seem to cry over every little stupid thing. My mess of curls in the morning, the fact that the same mess I said I would clean for the last 3 days is still there. Dishes seem to send me into a water works tizzy. I know that this is not just you, it's been a myriad of things this week. We laid your great great grandmother to rest yesterday. It was my first gravesite burial. Though you were not laid into the ground the feeling seemed all to familiar and all too soon. I looked at your brother and it broke my heart to know that in such a short life he had experienced such an intimate connection with death in a matter of 4 months. It hurts baby girl, the sting of the first wound is still as fresh as it was four and a half months ago, you should have been 8 weeks old Monday. Every pink laden stroller, every blue eyed child, ever time I hear your name the sting gets that much more worse. I'm reminded everyday why I will do what I can in your name. To give myself the right to be in my skin. If this means that I stand in a stadium and yell at the top of my lungs and no words come out while I scream amongst deaf ears then so be it. Sometimes that is what I feel like when I am fighting this CMV. I pray that something will help some mother, or some child somewhere. I need to do this- to feel like your mother. What can I say sweet girl, you have a way with me. This all for now sweet one, I just had to let you know I wasn't far. I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.....
Mommy

Hey baby girl,
I have a quick moment and I wanted to say I love you. Its been a busy week and it has felt that time has slipped right through my fingers yet again. It is your daddy's and I 's 5 year anniversary, and it has been really special, but it would have been complete if you were here with us. I know that cant happen, but it would be nice.
If you were here there wouldn't be a night out to dinner, but that's OK. I don't think we would have gotten much alone time at all, and we would be completely content because we would have you. I am trying not to dwell knowing that at our 5 year "milestone" anniversary I am still sad. I have more ideas and opportunities coming in. I will be doing the MISS foundation "Honor Thores" where I will be running 100 miles in your honor to raise money to support the foundation. It has been such a great place, and I have met wonderful people like Allison there. I just want to volunteer for whatever I can, because I love you.
I will tell you more about my ideas tomorrow baby girl, I must get going, but I just wanted to tell you I miss you, I love you, until I hold you again....

Mommy

Miss you...

Dear Angel,
Im sorry its been a couple of days since I have talked to you. I mean, I know I talk to you everyday, but I havent talked to you while sharing you to the rest of the world.  Your daddy is being sweet as always and putting your brother to bed so I can have some quiet time with you.  I cherish and treasure these moments, I know I am just looking at this computer screen, but it helps. I feel as if you would magically start typing back. I wish you could.
You have been busy my sweet girl. Your wings are spreading slowly but surely and we are working hard to get your message out, to spread the word about CMV. Your daddy's best friends from Colorado have graciously made sweet little girl garlands and have proudly named them Angel Chloe Garlands. My heart is soaring right now to think  that this weekend there will be people, strangers even in Colorado that will know your name. They will know you are someone's daughter, and they will probably hear the three letter CMV for the first time. Wow, it feels good. Your Daddy's dear friends and now mine for that matter; are such wonderful people. Michaela and Veronica would be your aunties, and they love you and have never even set eyes on you. They are being sweet enought to send me my favorite Angel Chloe Garland- laced pink daisy's, only the best for my baby girl and of course in your signature color ;0)
I hope I make you proud baby girl. Not the proud you say when you are told "I know you did all you could". I am talking about the kind of proud that leaves no doubt in your mind, the kind where when I get to hold you again you will grow and say "that is MY mommuy". Your Daddy has been such a big help. He is so supportive and understanding and lets me do my ranting without complaint.  He needs this too- we all do; even your brothers and sisters.  Every where I go there are nothing but little girls around. The adorable girls in their summer dresses. The kinds of bright summer clothes with pinks and purples. The kind of clothes that are still hanging in my closet next to mommy's dresses. I told your father when I bought them I didnt care if it was winter- you were going to light up a room. You still do Chloe- even in death.
I am having a good day Chloe, this has been a posative session with you. I just wanted you to know there is no way I have forgotten about you and I wont wait so long to talk to you again.
Well baby girl, I must go...
I love you, I miss you, until I get to hold you again my Angel......