Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Operation: Halloween sucks
Hey my sweet Angel, How are you? I have been thinking about you allot, not that it ever stops, but there are times when the acheing and yerning are unbearable. I dont know why I give a rats ass about Halloween. I remember Ayden's first Halloween and he could only stand to be in his dinasour constum all of 45 min before the melt down commenced. We had fun handing out candy; if I recall, the temprature was below freezing. Not much fun for a one year old. I dreaded today, but luckily I was able to avoid it like the plague. For the first time in my life, I was excited to go to trigonometry class. How crazy does that sound? No baby girl, your mother did not suddenly develope this love for math overnight. I was happy and somewhat relieved that class was during trick or treat time. I was able to avoid the adorable bumble bee outfits, the princesses of all types, the little girls who look so adorable no matter how ugly the costume. It sounds silly, but last year when I was pregnant with you handing out candy, I had already picked out your costume. You were supposed to wear it tonight. You would have been adorable. But no, it is just another milestone on my list of a thousand milstones that will never happen, not in this lifetime. I think daddy avoided it to. The kids werent too worried about Halloween. He packed everybody up and they went out for hot chocolate and came home to watch a movie. I think that is a better alternative than celebrating a holiday that originated from death. How silly it seems to me now. But I cant deny that seeing you in your costume would have made my day complete.
As relieved as I was to have avoided Halloween, it still wasn't enough to keep me from being sad. Sad about everything, not just Halloween. It's all the holidays, experiences, firsts, and milestones that I was robbed of. I will never see you in a costume, I will never hear you laugh when you see your costume makeup for the first time. I will never get to hold your hand as we walk up to a strangers door because you are too shy to ring the door bell by yourself. I will never sit in the living room with you and dump your bag of candy on the floor as we rummage through the good stuff and toss the junk candy. But most of all, I will never see you off to your first day of kindergarten, I will never comfort you as you experience the heartbreak of your first love, I will never have the opportunity embarrass you in front of your prom date, and I will never see you in a wedding dress. Fuck costumes, they can all burn right now. When these times start to draw near I notice the changes in myself. Ive had more nightmares, restless sleep, and feelings of complete and utter defeat. School is kicking my ass youngin. I am working hard; all I want to do is set a good example for your brothers and sisters and to make you and your daddy proud of me.I feel like I am so far behind. I have done so much, but does it really count? Life counts, happiness counts, and above all family counts. I have been told since you left me that I was a strong person. I look back, and I am trying to define what strong means? I don't feel strong when I am curled up in a ball gripping on to your urn for dear life. I don't feel strong when the sound of your name can drop me to my knees. I don't feel strong when there are days when I cant even get out of bed. Chloe, I don't know. Does it make me strong that I can make it through the day in my robotic state? I thought I was doing better, or at least showing some improvement, but then these days come. These stupid ass days that are nothing but reminders of what I will never get to do with you. All because of a virus, a virus that no body talks about,the government wont fund, and the CDC wont make mandatory at prenatal appointments. CMV can suck it, I am so over it. I will find a way to right the wrong that has been done to me and our family. I know it wont bring you back, but its a small piece of justice, or at least it will feel that way. Just think of how many sweet innocent babies could be helped if only the mother's knew about this. I am so happy to have found the stop cmv action network (stopcmv.org), but I think I might start a new one, called FU_CMV.org. I wonder how many people would join? Until that day baby girl, I will keep chipping at this iceberg. You deserve that much. I only wish I could do more. Well sweet pea, its time for mommy to head to bed. Again mommy has failed to get to bed at a decent hour. I avoid that too; it's like a never ending haunted house. Only there is really death, and the house is really my life.
Just know I think of you constantly. I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again....
Mommy
As relieved as I was to have avoided Halloween, it still wasn't enough to keep me from being sad. Sad about everything, not just Halloween. It's all the holidays, experiences, firsts, and milestones that I was robbed of. I will never see you in a costume, I will never hear you laugh when you see your costume makeup for the first time. I will never get to hold your hand as we walk up to a strangers door because you are too shy to ring the door bell by yourself. I will never sit in the living room with you and dump your bag of candy on the floor as we rummage through the good stuff and toss the junk candy. But most of all, I will never see you off to your first day of kindergarten, I will never comfort you as you experience the heartbreak of your first love, I will never have the opportunity embarrass you in front of your prom date, and I will never see you in a wedding dress. Fuck costumes, they can all burn right now. When these times start to draw near I notice the changes in myself. Ive had more nightmares, restless sleep, and feelings of complete and utter defeat. School is kicking my ass youngin. I am working hard; all I want to do is set a good example for your brothers and sisters and to make you and your daddy proud of me.I feel like I am so far behind. I have done so much, but does it really count? Life counts, happiness counts, and above all family counts. I have been told since you left me that I was a strong person. I look back, and I am trying to define what strong means? I don't feel strong when I am curled up in a ball gripping on to your urn for dear life. I don't feel strong when the sound of your name can drop me to my knees. I don't feel strong when there are days when I cant even get out of bed. Chloe, I don't know. Does it make me strong that I can make it through the day in my robotic state? I thought I was doing better, or at least showing some improvement, but then these days come. These stupid ass days that are nothing but reminders of what I will never get to do with you. All because of a virus, a virus that no body talks about,the government wont fund, and the CDC wont make mandatory at prenatal appointments. CMV can suck it, I am so over it. I will find a way to right the wrong that has been done to me and our family. I know it wont bring you back, but its a small piece of justice, or at least it will feel that way. Just think of how many sweet innocent babies could be helped if only the mother's knew about this. I am so happy to have found the stop cmv action network (stopcmv.org), but I think I might start a new one, called FU_CMV.org. I wonder how many people would join? Until that day baby girl, I will keep chipping at this iceberg. You deserve that much. I only wish I could do more. Well sweet pea, its time for mommy to head to bed. Again mommy has failed to get to bed at a decent hour. I avoid that too; it's like a never ending haunted house. Only there is really death, and the house is really my life.
Just know I think of you constantly. I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again....
Mommy
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Ahh hell....
Ah hell Chloe,
I should be doing homework, reading, math, essays- you name it. I cant, I just cant do it tonight. I wanted to spend time with you. I need to.... I started my morning the way I always hate- waking up from a nightmare. I havent had one in a while. Might be the sleep med (natural) but usually I actually never make it to my REM cycle because the stupid dog need to go out and pee at 3 am. Well last night he didnt need to go I guess because I slept all the way through. It's a bitch to finally get a full nights sleep only to wake up having a nightmare. It's the usual kind baby girl. You know, the one where there is death and the death revolves around one of my children. The scene was not unusual, I was taking your big brother to work with me. What was unusual were the people. I was at work, but none of these people were my co-workers. This was creepy from the beginning. I had your brother on my hip, we walked over to where a group were standing to find out what the plan for the day was. A man I dont know (supposidly coworker) asked to hold your brother and as he was holding him he proceeded to throw him literally across a room in to a glass table. At first when I watched him land my dream showed me very vividly that his head was taken off. When I ran over screaming to him, it was there but he was in and out of consciousness. The rest of the dream was me running around trying to find the hopital and every turn, elevator or room was the wrong one. It was like one of those dreams where you are running, but everything is in slow motion. I woke up horrified of course. I was suprised that I had a nightmare like this. I was kind of happy that they seemed to have gone away. There is only one comfort for me, and that is the comfort knowing that you will never have to suffer through these horrible thoughts, feelings, and nightmares. You truly are too pure for this earth. I dont want to leave this time with you like this. The happy news is your brothers and sisters are doing really well. School is going well for them and Ayden is doing great with his potty training. Daddy is working extra long hours this week, but it wont be forever. He is doing what he does best, and that is being such a wonerful provider for the family. I know he misses your terribly. I miss you so unbearably. The longing that I have to be your mother hurts so bad. I will wait my time, I will try to be patient. I just cant believe you are not here. I hope wherever you are that you think of me and know that I will find my way back to you. you wont be without me forever, though it may feel that way. I will end this now Angel, it is time for your momma to hit the sack.
You know I am always here- I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.
mommy
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Help Chloe STOP CMV!
If anyone would like to donate money to help Chloe and I raise money about CMV awarness and advocacy I have provided the link below. Every penny counts and goes toward eradicating this horrible virus.
I love you Chloe
STOP CMV!!
Help Chloe STOP CMV!
If I could kick CMV in the JUNK- I would!
Chloe,
I am so happy to be sitting at the computer talking to you tonight. I have missed you so- although my absence has not been in vain. You would be proud baby girl, mommy is just about done with her degree (well maybe next summer). I was still going to school when I was pregnant with you, but when you and I got sick, I had to take a year off. I think of you and how I want to make you proud of me. I want all you kids to be proud of me, to follow my example and always work hard. Your daddy is done of course- he already started his masters. Im slowly bringing up the rear. One of the last classes I took was physchology class, haha. Lets just say that mommy learned a little too much about herself. One of the classes right now that Im taking is trigonometry- BLAH! Have I told you I hate math baby girl? Well I do, and I have put it off for the last 4 years. The only thing I have taken from it so far is as follows:
It has been 8 months and 1 days since your death, since I saw you taken away from my sight.... That roughly equals to 6,480 hours since I last held you, 17,400 seconds since I kissed your little face and if I live to see 80 at this point I will die having spent 18,250 days wondering this world lost and alone without you. I dont know how to put it into words, but this is absolutley unfuckingacceptable! There is not a second that goes by that I do not wonder how you are? Is it dark? Are you alone? There is nothing I can do from here, this place. It feels awckward and grey. I cant wait to take this virus and shove it back to hell where it belongs. I so wanted to go to the CMV International Conference in a couple weeks, but like usual the Air Force and life has other plans. I think it would have been hard to go there, but something I need to do. I would wear your signature color purple, and everything would have Chloe written all over it. There is so much work to be done and I know it will take time. Your mom was just never good at being the patient one.
Monday was Infant/Child Death Rememberance Day. It was hard- hard to sleep, hard to eat, hard to wake up and so hard to walk around like it was anyother day. I was happily suprised by the few who actually knew the day and asked how I was. It was some what comforting. You were every where (like every day) but it was a day laden with meloncholy. I followed my friends and fellow grieving parents on facebook all day- so many. Just so many mommy's and daddy's who go home with empty arms, or had thier arms wrapped around thier healthy child only to have them snatched away by the clutches of fate. I talked to your Auntie Allison about that the other day- about fate. I told her how I thought fate was a minipulative ingenious bitch. She takes the worst thing that could happen to anyone and makes life almost unbearable to live and then throws these wonderful people into the mix who are also walking the same path as you. How amazingly unfortunate. It is the worst paradighm in life that I can think of.
Time is fleeting by so fast sweet girl. I choke back the tears at the thought that in just over 3 months it will be your angelversary. The moment you were born and died in the same breathe. How jacked up is that? Again, fate you are a heartless cruel bitch! If you had a junk too, I would kick it along side CMV! What do I do baby girl? That day is still a special day not because you died, but because I finally got to see your face, hold your tiny fingers and toes in my hand, and rock you in that rocking chair in the hospital. You were lifeless but it still felt right, it felt like I needed to. Would you feel me rocking you some where or wherever you are? I just cant wrap my head around this. I cant believe that these were the cards our family was dealt. We have had to endure so much over the last year- will it ever end?
Your brothers and sisters are doing well, they miss you so much too. Alina wrote me a sweet card to tell me that you and I will be together again. I love how she has such sweet memories of you. Ayden always says "Goo-nigh Choeee" when I tuck him into bed. He kisses your hand that I wear around my neck. Its a special time when i put him to bed and read him a book. It feels like you and him are together with me, and I am reading a bed time story to both of you. You are around my neck close to my heart and your big brother is on my lap and you are both soaking up every word that I say. You both are like little sponges!
Im sorry I havent written in a couple weeks baby. It has been so busy, and I wish I could write to you every night. Time seems like a luxury that I never have so when I have the slightest break to sit down and pour my heart and soul out to you I always do. You are my world, I just wish your world and my world collided at some point. Then I can be your mommy just as I should be and this horrible world would no longer exist. Well baby girl, that is enough for tonight. I also look forward to those times when I can fall asleep and see you in my dreams. Maybe one day they wont be nightmares of what happened but of thoughts and dreams of watching you grow into a young woman. In my mind you are just as breath taking as the day you were born.
I will see you soon. I love you, I miss you, unitl I hold you again....
Mommy
I am so happy to be sitting at the computer talking to you tonight. I have missed you so- although my absence has not been in vain. You would be proud baby girl, mommy is just about done with her degree (well maybe next summer). I was still going to school when I was pregnant with you, but when you and I got sick, I had to take a year off. I think of you and how I want to make you proud of me. I want all you kids to be proud of me, to follow my example and always work hard. Your daddy is done of course- he already started his masters. Im slowly bringing up the rear. One of the last classes I took was physchology class, haha. Lets just say that mommy learned a little too much about herself. One of the classes right now that Im taking is trigonometry- BLAH! Have I told you I hate math baby girl? Well I do, and I have put it off for the last 4 years. The only thing I have taken from it so far is as follows:
It has been 8 months and 1 days since your death, since I saw you taken away from my sight.... That roughly equals to 6,480 hours since I last held you, 17,400 seconds since I kissed your little face and if I live to see 80 at this point I will die having spent 18,250 days wondering this world lost and alone without you. I dont know how to put it into words, but this is absolutley unfuckingacceptable! There is not a second that goes by that I do not wonder how you are? Is it dark? Are you alone? There is nothing I can do from here, this place. It feels awckward and grey. I cant wait to take this virus and shove it back to hell where it belongs. I so wanted to go to the CMV International Conference in a couple weeks, but like usual the Air Force and life has other plans. I think it would have been hard to go there, but something I need to do. I would wear your signature color purple, and everything would have Chloe written all over it. There is so much work to be done and I know it will take time. Your mom was just never good at being the patient one.
Monday was Infant/Child Death Rememberance Day. It was hard- hard to sleep, hard to eat, hard to wake up and so hard to walk around like it was anyother day. I was happily suprised by the few who actually knew the day and asked how I was. It was some what comforting. You were every where (like every day) but it was a day laden with meloncholy. I followed my friends and fellow grieving parents on facebook all day- so many. Just so many mommy's and daddy's who go home with empty arms, or had thier arms wrapped around thier healthy child only to have them snatched away by the clutches of fate. I talked to your Auntie Allison about that the other day- about fate. I told her how I thought fate was a minipulative ingenious bitch. She takes the worst thing that could happen to anyone and makes life almost unbearable to live and then throws these wonderful people into the mix who are also walking the same path as you. How amazingly unfortunate. It is the worst paradighm in life that I can think of.
Time is fleeting by so fast sweet girl. I choke back the tears at the thought that in just over 3 months it will be your angelversary. The moment you were born and died in the same breathe. How jacked up is that? Again, fate you are a heartless cruel bitch! If you had a junk too, I would kick it along side CMV! What do I do baby girl? That day is still a special day not because you died, but because I finally got to see your face, hold your tiny fingers and toes in my hand, and rock you in that rocking chair in the hospital. You were lifeless but it still felt right, it felt like I needed to. Would you feel me rocking you some where or wherever you are? I just cant wrap my head around this. I cant believe that these were the cards our family was dealt. We have had to endure so much over the last year- will it ever end?
Your brothers and sisters are doing well, they miss you so much too. Alina wrote me a sweet card to tell me that you and I will be together again. I love how she has such sweet memories of you. Ayden always says "Goo-nigh Choeee" when I tuck him into bed. He kisses your hand that I wear around my neck. Its a special time when i put him to bed and read him a book. It feels like you and him are together with me, and I am reading a bed time story to both of you. You are around my neck close to my heart and your big brother is on my lap and you are both soaking up every word that I say. You both are like little sponges!
Im sorry I havent written in a couple weeks baby. It has been so busy, and I wish I could write to you every night. Time seems like a luxury that I never have so when I have the slightest break to sit down and pour my heart and soul out to you I always do. You are my world, I just wish your world and my world collided at some point. Then I can be your mommy just as I should be and this horrible world would no longer exist. Well baby girl, that is enough for tonight. I also look forward to those times when I can fall asleep and see you in my dreams. Maybe one day they wont be nightmares of what happened but of thoughts and dreams of watching you grow into a young woman. In my mind you are just as breath taking as the day you were born.
I will see you soon. I love you, I miss you, unitl I hold you again....
Mommy
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Angels4Chloe: It's raining again....
Angels4Chloe: It's raining again....: Hey sweet girl, I miss you, did you know that? I think about you every second of every day. I know I dont write all the time, it's probably...
It's raining again....
Hey sweet girl,
I miss you, did you know that? I think about you every second of every day. I know I dont write all the time, it's probably a good thing. There are so many crazy thoughts that run through my brain at any given moment. It's raining again; I know this is no suprise to you- it always rains here. I grew up with the rain, it used to not bother me. Now it does; the rain reminds me of my tears. Always there, always pouring. The gloomines of the days make me want to curl up and stay at home. I wish I had a reason to stay at home. Your brothers and sisters are at school, daddy is either sleeping or at work. It makes no sense to stay home in an empty house that echoes with the sound of dispair. I know I am painting this really pathetic picture of your mother for you, but that's where I am at without you. All because of a virus. A virus that no one knows about, that doctors dont talk about, that the CDC wont advertise because there is no dollar amount behind it. Sometimes the anger that boils down deep inside of me is enough to make me want to go postal on people. Why? Why not at least talk about it? So there is no cure? Like the world has not had to deal with that before. The cure is great, but knowledge is half the battle. I cant stop rolling it around in my head Chloe, what if? What if I was told what CMV was? What if some OB or my midwife said to be aware and to wash my hands more often. What if it was something I had the option to have a blood test just to see if I had it? It amazes me the power those "what if's" hold.
Sometimes sitting and thinking this over and over and over in my head brings me to the realization that I was done wrong. Not only by my body, but by those who are privlidged to such information. I know I have said it once and I will say it again- I know you ass clown doctors who dont speak of this virus go home to every childbearing age women in your family, circle, and amongst eachother and warn about this virus. You leave the rest of us to the fucking wolves. That will change! Come hell or high water I will make sure that changes. The smallest ripple of my pain and grief will cascade into the largest wave of knowledge and truth that this virus will not be able to hide like it has for so long. How can you tell me this is not a problem when 80% if the population has it by the time they are 40 years of age?? And there is absolutley no funding going towards this virus except what non-profit organizations provide? I bet if a politians baby was stricken with this virus or that baby dies like mine has then there would be neon signs plastered from here to Sunday! Why? Why does a celebrity have to give thier name to a cause for a cause to be taken seriously? These are all the rants I ponder a million times over baby girl. I cant help it- all the what ifs? And the dreaded whys? Why you, why now, why me, why us, why our family, why, why, why? All these questions I never get answers to.
Tonight was hard baby girl. It is so hard to put into words what I am feeling. I can never explain it. I layed with your urn on the floor and just hugged you. It felt good to squeeze you like that. Your urn felt ice cold, just lke you did the last time I held you in my arms. In a strange way it was comforting. Like it was really you- the coldness of your skin is forever burned into my memory. I remember how suprised I was and how disappointed that your heat had left your body, it left so quickly. This would be the eerie presence of death. Im not afraid of that anymore. I guess I never really gave it much thought before you, but now I think of it constantly. When those families on the news talk about their lost child I dont listen to thier words. Nothing expresses this anguish more so than the looks of utter debilitating pain in their eyes. I wonder if I give it away when people see me. I spend so much time trying to be strong that it exhausts me so much. By the end of the day I can hardly keep my eyes open.
The week since I last wrote has been busy baby. The work load, kids, therapy, and my classes; I am finding that I might be slightly overwhelmed (understatement of the century). I wonder if I can keep this pace up. You would be proud of your momma though, after 7 years and 5 deployments I am finally a senior in college working on my last 10 classes. I might do one more minor so I might actually have more classes than that. Im so close, the light is there at the end of the tunnel, but it seems so far away. Your daddy has been helping me allot, I have to really work on my concentration and focusing on my school work. This has been the hardest thing to overcome since losing you. I would rather think about you than read about meteorology or aviation safety. I have a few more Chloe projects going on and still working on more. I have a donation website set up and we have some donations already :0) You will be making your appearance at a baby fair and women's fair, but those are not until march and april so I am finding other ways to spread your glow. The CMV internation confrence is coming up at the end of the month. I dont know if I will be able to go :0( This saddens me allot baby girl. Your daddy will be working an exercise and it runs into the conference time frame. Maybe I can pull the family together and work a way for me to go, for you. I have this need and urge that I have to go. It's only once every four years, and the following conference will be in Italy, so it will be another 8 years before it is in the US again... sometimes I just hate being so geographically far away from everything. There is so much I could do if I was closer. I will figure this out, who knows I might be able to go.
Well baby girl, I think it is a good idea for me to end this post on a good note and stop before I get on my soap box again. You know I love you right? You are my Angel and one of my true loves.
Sweet dreams Angel, I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again...
Mommy
I miss you, did you know that? I think about you every second of every day. I know I dont write all the time, it's probably a good thing. There are so many crazy thoughts that run through my brain at any given moment. It's raining again; I know this is no suprise to you- it always rains here. I grew up with the rain, it used to not bother me. Now it does; the rain reminds me of my tears. Always there, always pouring. The gloomines of the days make me want to curl up and stay at home. I wish I had a reason to stay at home. Your brothers and sisters are at school, daddy is either sleeping or at work. It makes no sense to stay home in an empty house that echoes with the sound of dispair. I know I am painting this really pathetic picture of your mother for you, but that's where I am at without you. All because of a virus. A virus that no one knows about, that doctors dont talk about, that the CDC wont advertise because there is no dollar amount behind it. Sometimes the anger that boils down deep inside of me is enough to make me want to go postal on people. Why? Why not at least talk about it? So there is no cure? Like the world has not had to deal with that before. The cure is great, but knowledge is half the battle. I cant stop rolling it around in my head Chloe, what if? What if I was told what CMV was? What if some OB or my midwife said to be aware and to wash my hands more often. What if it was something I had the option to have a blood test just to see if I had it? It amazes me the power those "what if's" hold.
Sometimes sitting and thinking this over and over and over in my head brings me to the realization that I was done wrong. Not only by my body, but by those who are privlidged to such information. I know I have said it once and I will say it again- I know you ass clown doctors who dont speak of this virus go home to every childbearing age women in your family, circle, and amongst eachother and warn about this virus. You leave the rest of us to the fucking wolves. That will change! Come hell or high water I will make sure that changes. The smallest ripple of my pain and grief will cascade into the largest wave of knowledge and truth that this virus will not be able to hide like it has for so long. How can you tell me this is not a problem when 80% if the population has it by the time they are 40 years of age?? And there is absolutley no funding going towards this virus except what non-profit organizations provide? I bet if a politians baby was stricken with this virus or that baby dies like mine has then there would be neon signs plastered from here to Sunday! Why? Why does a celebrity have to give thier name to a cause for a cause to be taken seriously? These are all the rants I ponder a million times over baby girl. I cant help it- all the what ifs? And the dreaded whys? Why you, why now, why me, why us, why our family, why, why, why? All these questions I never get answers to.
Tonight was hard baby girl. It is so hard to put into words what I am feeling. I can never explain it. I layed with your urn on the floor and just hugged you. It felt good to squeeze you like that. Your urn felt ice cold, just lke you did the last time I held you in my arms. In a strange way it was comforting. Like it was really you- the coldness of your skin is forever burned into my memory. I remember how suprised I was and how disappointed that your heat had left your body, it left so quickly. This would be the eerie presence of death. Im not afraid of that anymore. I guess I never really gave it much thought before you, but now I think of it constantly. When those families on the news talk about their lost child I dont listen to thier words. Nothing expresses this anguish more so than the looks of utter debilitating pain in their eyes. I wonder if I give it away when people see me. I spend so much time trying to be strong that it exhausts me so much. By the end of the day I can hardly keep my eyes open.
The week since I last wrote has been busy baby. The work load, kids, therapy, and my classes; I am finding that I might be slightly overwhelmed (understatement of the century). I wonder if I can keep this pace up. You would be proud of your momma though, after 7 years and 5 deployments I am finally a senior in college working on my last 10 classes. I might do one more minor so I might actually have more classes than that. Im so close, the light is there at the end of the tunnel, but it seems so far away. Your daddy has been helping me allot, I have to really work on my concentration and focusing on my school work. This has been the hardest thing to overcome since losing you. I would rather think about you than read about meteorology or aviation safety. I have a few more Chloe projects going on and still working on more. I have a donation website set up and we have some donations already :0) You will be making your appearance at a baby fair and women's fair, but those are not until march and april so I am finding other ways to spread your glow. The CMV internation confrence is coming up at the end of the month. I dont know if I will be able to go :0( This saddens me allot baby girl. Your daddy will be working an exercise and it runs into the conference time frame. Maybe I can pull the family together and work a way for me to go, for you. I have this need and urge that I have to go. It's only once every four years, and the following conference will be in Italy, so it will be another 8 years before it is in the US again... sometimes I just hate being so geographically far away from everything. There is so much I could do if I was closer. I will figure this out, who knows I might be able to go.
Well baby girl, I think it is a good idea for me to end this post on a good note and stop before I get on my soap box again. You know I love you right? You are my Angel and one of my true loves.
Sweet dreams Angel, I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again...
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