Hey there blue eyes,
Today is 14 months since you left me. 14 months since I held you tiny baby hand and kissed your baby cheeks. Normally I would forget details about memories that were this long ago. Maybe the colors, peoples faces, smells, but not you Angel. I must admit that I still feel like it happened yesterday. Some nights I wake up thinking that it really did happen yesterday.  I have had some interesting dreams lately. Miss Teresa says it is my PTSD surfacing. There is always tragedy and death, but now it is not as gory or bloody like before. She says this is a posative thing- that my patterns of thought are changing. You were in one of my dreams. You were dead, just like all the other dreams, but I carried you around like I didnt know you were. I went through all the motions of being a Mom and acted as if you were a breathing, healthy baby. This dream doesnt really bother me, it actually gives me a sense of peace- a false sense of peace, but peace non the less. This last dream was me pulling dead bodies out of a crashed helicopter I was flying in. There was no blood though- it was really strange because these bodies were just flat. It was really odd to me, I woke up bewildered by these bodies and how they looked. That seems to be my theme; bodies, dead ones and there is always something piculiar about them. Detailed marks, colors and smells that leave me either anxious, scared, or craying. I have to tell you what I did a couple weeks ago. I held a baby for the first time since I held you. This was a sweet baby girl and of course she had blue eyes. Maybe 8 weeks old, very sweet and preicious- just like you were. I just felt I should do it, I had a impulse to do it. I thought I would feel sad, upset maybe even cry a little. I longed for you like I always do, but I felt an emotion that I never expected to feel. I felt completly devestated by guilt. I felt guilty for holding this perfect child. It was as if I was betraying you- this is what I am rationalizing in my mind. I have no idea why I felt that way, but I couldnt stop thinking about it for weeks now. You know I love you right? That you are my one and only baby girl? After I gave her back to her mom, I was very quiet and solem the rest of the day.  I thought of you endlessly, and I wish that it was you being passed around.  I am trying to understand this emotion that overwhelmed me, but for the life of me I cant figure it out. It has to be because I fear that I would hurt your feelings. You could never be replaced. I love you so much, I am dying a little bit more each day. i am getting better at staying positive though. I think of you and I dont want you to see how I behave sometimes. I dont want you to be dissapointed or embarassed by my irrational and immature moments of weakness where I cant stand the thought of you not being with me. I love you Angel, it's time for me to go, but you know how much I miss you.
Until I hold you again.....

Mommy

Ground Hog Day

Chloe,
God how Ive missed you, I know I havent written in a while. It's always an adventure in the Perry household. I woke up realizing that in a few short months we will be gone away from this place on to our new adventure. I still have mixed emotions about this. We are making all these changes without you. I want to leave this place, but yet I feel this sense of you in everything. Threre is piles upon piles and a closet full of baby clothes, toys and gadgets that I am spinning in my mind about what to do with. Im not paking up a nursery, I am packing up a place where we keep all the things that would have made a nursery. Instead a spare bed and dresser fill the empty space we needed to fill. I still hate going into that room. I cant help but wonder when we leave this place if I am going to be ok? This is where I was born and raised, but since losing you it has not felt like home at all. It almost feels like this alternate universe of a constant zombie like state where I go through the motions of everyday like that movie "Ground Hog Day". I am on auto pilot and I always know what to expect because nothing ever changes. I guess in this state of life and death that that is a good thing. If anything was out of wack it might send me into a death spiral of fucking crazy. (More so than I am already).  I have been feeling better, the sun is out longer, the days have more daylight and the snow is starting to melt with the warmer temprature. Soon everything will have a stentch of dog poop as the ground thaws and the snow is completly gone. Then right before we pack up the truck and drive off, it will be green and beautiful again. I am optimistic that the drive will be nice. You will have a front seat view next to me. I have spent countless hours thinking of where you will be on this move. Most mom's worry about car seats, Im trying to think of a place for your urn. I died just thinking about putting you in a box like our house hold goods- who does that? I cant believe I actually have to fucking think about where to place you? You will be next to me, front seat so I can squeeze you the whole time we drive. It would be as if you were bright eyed looking out the window at the world for the first time. At least in my mind this is what it will be like, a dream; this is what my life has evolved to. Never in my life have my dreams been so vivid and so detailed. When I dream of you the world is crystal clear like I am looking through a high definition photo lense. Looking at the world through my eyes in my everyday the vision is distorted, my astigmatism is really bad. I love the clarity I see with you in it. You look so angelic, like a porcelean doll, but a vision of me, your mother. I hope you know that I think of you with everything I do. I hope you know that I live only to hold you again, I will wait, I will find patience. I must because I need you.
Keep your mother in your heart, I need you more than you will ever know. I love you Angel, I miss you so much. Until I hold you again.....

Mommy