I saw your face

Hello Angel,
I miss you still as much as ever. I write to you today in a far better mood than what it was the last month or so in my very dark place. I feel better knowing spring is coming around and knowing that soon this place will be in our rear view mirror. I must admit that I feel guilty though, smiling, laughing, being as "happy" as I can be. It is a far cry from the bubbly relaxed woman I used to be. I cant get over the fact that I am home, where I was born and raised, yet it feels like this strange far off land and I feel so uncomfortable here. I cant explain this. All I know is that you are everywhere. Reminders of what I had and lost are around every corner of this place. I see you in every little blond hair blue eyed toddler learning how to take her first new steps. I smile and yet I die inside at the same time. It is such an overwhelming feeling. I feel a sense of joy and happiness for those mothers and fathers, but yet I am completly shattered about the fact that is is not my life. Stupid, I know. I cant help but wonder if you would have pigtails by now. Would I put ribbons in your hair every morning? Would you fight me tooth and nail to get dressed. Would you be screaming no and me while throwing food at my face. Oh Chloe, you have no idea how much I would love to fight back with you, hear you scream no at me. We could have a good fight together and I would cry laughing so hard. You are my everything, even in death. Nothing can erode this bridge of love that I am crossing over and over again to try to get to you. It sometimes seems hopeless, but I do it day in and day out.
I feel myself gaining strength from the daylight returning. The winters here are long and dark and it really gets to me by the February. If you were here Im sure I wouldnt be having that problem. All the diapers, sleep deprivation, baths, crying, laughing, singing, and kissing. That would be the light in my dark. I cant believe how much time has flown by. You have been gone almost 13 months. I never liked math and having that constant counter of how long you have been gone is killing me. I dont care if it gets better with time (I think that is bullshit by the way), but I feel so far away from you.
You would be happy to know babygirl that there is good movement in the CMV world. The Utah house of reps has had a hearing on screening for CMV and screening newborns in that state. It's not approved yet, but I am very optimistic that 2013 will be a great year for CMV progress as well as a far better year than 2012. I still wish I could do more. I feel like I never do eough, but I am so glad that there are others to drive it like they stole it.
Well sweet girl, this one is short. Between sick kids, homework, work, and your daddy working longer hours I only had a moment. You know I think of you every second of every day. There is nothing, not even death that can keep me from loving you to the moon and back.
I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.

Mommy

Where are you Chloe

Chloe,
Where are you? I have been looking for you everyday for the past year. Your the little girl with blue eyes that is playing with your brother at day care. Your the blonde haired princess playing dress up in your room, your the hopeless wish I have that I would wake up every morning to your smiling face with kisses and tuck you into bed with your butterfly kisses. I have had such a hard time Angel. This is not how I pictured my life would turn out. I miss you wso much I cant stand myself. I have been losing it more and more lately. I have been feeling that horrible sense of not being in control. That feeling that something bad is going to happend around every turn I take. A car tried to murge on the highway in the lane next to me and I had  panic attack. It is all pouring back and I hate it so much.
My therapis says I need to write abou my feelings. Funny, but I have been writing about my feelings to you in this blog for almost a year now. Not quite sure if it's helping or if its getting anywhere, but I just like the feeling that you are there on the other end of this computer reading every word I type. Not like a one year old can read, but I know you can feel it. You can read my mind, you dont need to read this text. It's that mother daughter bond that we have. Everyday I am doing something with your sister, you know "mother/ daughter" things, and yet it breaks my heart and fills it with joy at the same time. I will never get to do your hair,  I will never get you ready for your first recital, I will never take you to girl scouts, I will never go on one of your school field tripis, and just as I am doing tonight; I will never get to be the "cool mom" for your sleep over. So I will ask again babygirl..... Where are you??!!!! 
I might have bit more than I can chew for the next month. I have a full course load with allot of writing and presentations and I am having a hard time concetrating, work, and of course your brothers and sisters have a full plate as well. I have been so tired lately, I have lost my memory so much that I cant even remember what I did yesterday. I lost my keys, my phone, and my mind. I left my phone at the target pharmacy yesterday, but I dont remember ever being at Target. I spent half the day trying to back track my steps, but I couldnt even remember what my steps were. When I finally realized it was target, I drove back there as soon as I could and when I asked the pharmacy lady see said she hadnt seen it like it was no big deal. I was crying in Target like a baby. I was like, you dont understand lady, this is not just a phone, it is a phone with what few precious pictures I have of my dead daughter. Im glad I didnt say that to her, I wanted to. She didnt know any better, not very many people do. Maybe that is why I have such a hard time going out in public. After your birthday last friday, I am in denail and so angry that everyone else's life is going on. The next day and the folloing monday at work was just wierd. I felt like my world was crashing down all over again, and everone else was moving through the day like no big deal. I know this isnt thier problem, but I just wanted to scream. How lucky they are in thier ignorance. I wish I was like that still sometimes, but when I get that whiney, self centered feeling, I remember that if that hadnt happened, if I was ignorance, then I would not have had you in my arms. You would not be this whole in my heart, and I think that is worse than what I have to endure for the rest of my life. You in my life, even with the whole in my heart, is more fulfilling than if you had never existed at all. You know why babygirl? Because I would be dreaming about you every single day an night. My lifes desire as a mother, to have a little girl. I knew I wanted to have a little boy first and I did, but you, you were supposed to be the piece to put our families puzzle together. I am so angry that it was taken from me. What a bunch of bull shit. I wanted you, I wanted to be mother. This wasnt some one night stand, no druken mistake, there was a desire. Then why the hell does it end this way? Women give up thier babies for adoption everyday because they dont want them, women pray and endure ever single medical procedure known to man to have just a tiny chance at making life. So someone needs to explain to me why the fuck my daughter was taken from me? Why women who would make the worlds most amazng mothers are left with baren wombs, but yet  some crack sniffing slutty whore who had a one night stand can get pregnant and have a baby on the first shot? Im sorry Chloe, but this world is enough to make go postal on everyone who crosses me wrong.
I hope you know how much I love you, miss you, need you. I hope one of these nights I can dream a sweet dream of you, one with out some bloody gory traumatic end. I love you my Angel, you will always and forever be one of my greatest masterpieces.
I love you, I miss you, unitl I hold you again.

Mommy