It's here baby girl, the time that we are getting ready to move. Pack up our family and drive down the Alaska highway with Daddy, your brothers and sister, a bird, cat, and dog. Everyone but you. I know that it is time to leave, but now the closer we get, I find that it is getting harder and harder to not feel a sense of emptiness. It really compounded yesterday after I got off the phone with your Daddy. He has been packing and cleaning away all week. I knew that we would eventually go through the baby clothes, toys, and infant "stuff" that we don't need. I was thrown back and on the verge of tears when he said he went through everything and took it to be donated. Why was I so shocked? I think I was thrown off by the fact that we had talked about doing it for some time now, but I don't know if I really thought we would. I was even upset about your brothers baby clothes being cleaned out. I guess I have grown to like those scattered around the house. It was the last sign of a baby in the house. Now it is gone. I came home and walked upstairs the best i could (mommy had knee surgery last week) and went into what should have been your nursery. Gone, all of it. I don't know how to feel right now Angel. It seems to surreal as if it's now a definitive "you are gone". I know it's just "stuff", but the sentimental value of everything still hurts. Thank god your baby clothes are still hanging in my closet next to my clothes. I was able to save a few things of your brothers. More for keepsake value. It's a reminder that he will never be that small again and you will never grow to be as big as him. Not in this lifetime anyway. The shelf with your urn look lonely and barren. I have slowly packed around "you". I packed your precious stuffed animals, your keepsakes and memento's. Everything that you touched and wore, but you are still there- waiting. The day is quickly approaching my sweet baby Angel. I feel that sense of panic creeping up again. The house is torn apart and I feel clostraphobic. Saying good bye to your aunties and grandpa will be very hard. Life is an adventure and we are heading on to the next phase. Your Daddy's training will be 10 months in El Paso then we will be moving to Utah where we will be stationed at Hill AFB. It's very nice there, much like Alaska. You would love every minute of it. I know you would just be a little tom boy like your mommy was. I'm sorry it's been so long since Ive written. It has been busy to say the least and a little crazy. There are not enough hours in the day to get done what I need to, but you are on my mind every second baby girl. The void in our lives has not left. I look for you in everything still and I don't think that will ever change. With the moving going on I have not had much time for my "Fuck You CMV" campaign. I will be forever sorry about how things turned out. Don't worry, that will never stop, but right now I have to focus on your siblings and getting the house together. So much to do in so little time. I know you would have been a big helper :0)
Well Angel, I must get to it. I love you forever and ever, to the moon and back and as big as the world.
Until I see you again, I miss you, I love you.
Mommy
