It's here baby girl, the time that we are getting ready to move. Pack up our family and drive down the Alaska highway with Daddy, your brothers and sister, a bird, cat, and dog. Everyone but you. I know that it is time to leave, but now the closer we get, I find that it is getting harder and harder to not feel a sense of emptiness. It really compounded yesterday after I got off the phone with your Daddy. He has been packing and cleaning away all week. I knew that we would eventually go through the baby clothes, toys, and infant "stuff" that we don't need. I was thrown back and on the verge of tears when he said he went through everything and took it to be donated. Why was I so shocked? I think I was thrown off by the fact that we had talked about doing it for some time now, but I don't know if I really thought we would. I was even upset about your brothers baby clothes being cleaned out. I guess I have grown to like those scattered around the house. It was the last sign of a baby in the house. Now it is gone. I came home and walked upstairs the best i could (mommy had knee surgery last week) and went into what should have been your nursery. Gone, all of it. I don't know how to feel right now Angel. It seems to surreal as if it's now a definitive "you are gone". I know it's just "stuff", but the sentimental value of everything still hurts. Thank god your baby clothes are still hanging in my closet next to my clothes. I was able to save a few things of your brothers. More for keepsake value. It's a reminder that he will never be that small again and you will never grow to be as big as him. Not in this lifetime anyway. The shelf with your urn look lonely and barren. I have slowly packed around "you". I packed your precious stuffed animals, your keepsakes and memento's. Everything that you touched and wore, but you are still there- waiting. The day is quickly approaching my sweet baby Angel. I feel that sense of panic creeping up again. The house is torn apart and I feel clostraphobic. Saying good bye to your aunties and grandpa will be very hard. Life is an adventure and we are heading on to the next phase. Your Daddy's training will be 10 months in El Paso then we will be moving to Utah where we will be stationed at Hill AFB. It's very nice there, much like Alaska. You would love every minute of it. I know you would just be a little tom boy like your mommy was. I'm sorry it's been so long since Ive written. It has been busy to say the least and a little crazy. There are not enough hours in the day to get done what I need to, but you are on my mind every second baby girl. The void in our lives has not left. I look for you in everything still and I don't think that will ever change. With the moving going on I have not had much time for my "Fuck You CMV" campaign. I will be forever sorry about how things turned out. Don't worry, that will never stop, but right now I have to focus on your siblings and getting the house together. So much to do in so little time. I know you would have been a big helper :0)
Well Angel, I must get to it. I love you forever and ever, to the moon and back and as big as the world.
Until I see you again, I miss you, I love you.
Mommy
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
You are in a box.....
Angel,
I started packing up the house slowly....I started with your trinckets, dolls, and our gifts from the hospital. It was strange, I felt like I was packing "you" into a box. Your urn stays where it always does next to the bed. It still is hard to take in that you are in a box. A stone box that you will stay in forever unless something crazy happens. I wont open the box, there better not be one speck of ash missing from where you rest now. I wish you were here to help me pack. Your nursery (now the guest room) is staring me in the face. I have left your clothes hanging in my closet next to my clothes and I will pack those in my suitcase. It would be like we are sharing a suitcase together. I am batteling with what to do with the baby swing, bouncer, tub, and baby carrier. I had held onto most of it from when I had your brother, and now its still in your room. Just taking up space. This is eating me up- do I save all these things that I may never use again? I know it is just "stuff", but it is so hard to part with anything that is linked to you and even your brother. If I got rid of all the extra baby stuff would it confirm that this is indeed the end of my child bearing? That I will never have a baby again? I cant even tell you if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I still am unsure of how I feel about having another baby. It's all so hard....
Your mommy and our miss K have been busy with CMV stuff. You would be happy to hear that we gave public testimony regarding why we thing CMV should be added to the conditions to recieve early childhood intervention services. (I forget the long official title) but this will more than likely go through. I hate this virus so much, why? why? why? I will never understand why any of this happened to us. I will never understand why I got the virus and why I could'nt fight it off. Our Dr. T. asked me if I intentionally meant to cause your death? I said of course not- She asked me then how can I blame myself and be responsible? I see her point, but it is so fucking disturbing that I didnt know about this virus. I wasnt even given a chance to change the path we were on. I wasnt given the knowledge to protect you and this could have been avoided. This is the frustrating thing- I know I shouldnt blame myself , but there is no one else! How fucking frustrating! CMV can kiss my ass and I will be working and taking every fiber of my being to kick your ass to the curb and win this war I have waged against you. I just wish it was something that wasnt such a long process. All in time, I just need to find patience, or learn to have some. I miss you baby, I wish you were here to coo and giggle in my face. Ill even take one of those snotty oozy drooly kisses. Anyway doll, it's back to life, this unbearable life without you. I miss you, I love you, until I hold you again.....
Mommy
I started packing up the house slowly....I started with your trinckets, dolls, and our gifts from the hospital. It was strange, I felt like I was packing "you" into a box. Your urn stays where it always does next to the bed. It still is hard to take in that you are in a box. A stone box that you will stay in forever unless something crazy happens. I wont open the box, there better not be one speck of ash missing from where you rest now. I wish you were here to help me pack. Your nursery (now the guest room) is staring me in the face. I have left your clothes hanging in my closet next to my clothes and I will pack those in my suitcase. It would be like we are sharing a suitcase together. I am batteling with what to do with the baby swing, bouncer, tub, and baby carrier. I had held onto most of it from when I had your brother, and now its still in your room. Just taking up space. This is eating me up- do I save all these things that I may never use again? I know it is just "stuff", but it is so hard to part with anything that is linked to you and even your brother. If I got rid of all the extra baby stuff would it confirm that this is indeed the end of my child bearing? That I will never have a baby again? I cant even tell you if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I still am unsure of how I feel about having another baby. It's all so hard....
Your mommy and our miss K have been busy with CMV stuff. You would be happy to hear that we gave public testimony regarding why we thing CMV should be added to the conditions to recieve early childhood intervention services. (I forget the long official title) but this will more than likely go through. I hate this virus so much, why? why? why? I will never understand why any of this happened to us. I will never understand why I got the virus and why I could'nt fight it off. Our Dr. T. asked me if I intentionally meant to cause your death? I said of course not- She asked me then how can I blame myself and be responsible? I see her point, but it is so fucking disturbing that I didnt know about this virus. I wasnt even given a chance to change the path we were on. I wasnt given the knowledge to protect you and this could have been avoided. This is the frustrating thing- I know I shouldnt blame myself , but there is no one else! How fucking frustrating! CMV can kiss my ass and I will be working and taking every fiber of my being to kick your ass to the curb and win this war I have waged against you. I just wish it was something that wasnt such a long process. All in time, I just need to find patience, or learn to have some. I miss you baby, I wish you were here to coo and giggle in my face. Ill even take one of those snotty oozy drooly kisses. Anyway doll, it's back to life, this unbearable life without you. I miss you, I love you, until I hold you again.....
Mommy
Monday, March 25, 2013
Hey there blue eyes,
Today is 14 months since you left me. 14 months since I held you tiny baby hand and kissed your baby cheeks. Normally I would forget details about memories that were this long ago. Maybe the colors, peoples faces, smells, but not you Angel. I must admit that I still feel like it happened yesterday. Some nights I wake up thinking that it really did happen yesterday. I have had some interesting dreams lately. Miss Teresa says it is my PTSD surfacing. There is always tragedy and death, but now it is not as gory or bloody like before. She says this is a posative thing- that my patterns of thought are changing. You were in one of my dreams. You were dead, just like all the other dreams, but I carried you around like I didnt know you were. I went through all the motions of being a Mom and acted as if you were a breathing, healthy baby. This dream doesnt really bother me, it actually gives me a sense of peace- a false sense of peace, but peace non the less. This last dream was me pulling dead bodies out of a crashed helicopter I was flying in. There was no blood though- it was really strange because these bodies were just flat. It was really odd to me, I woke up bewildered by these bodies and how they looked. That seems to be my theme; bodies, dead ones and there is always something piculiar about them. Detailed marks, colors and smells that leave me either anxious, scared, or craying. I have to tell you what I did a couple weeks ago. I held a baby for the first time since I held you. This was a sweet baby girl and of course she had blue eyes. Maybe 8 weeks old, very sweet and preicious- just like you were. I just felt I should do it, I had a impulse to do it. I thought I would feel sad, upset maybe even cry a little. I longed for you like I always do, but I felt an emotion that I never expected to feel. I felt completly devestated by guilt. I felt guilty for holding this perfect child. It was as if I was betraying you- this is what I am rationalizing in my mind. I have no idea why I felt that way, but I couldnt stop thinking about it for weeks now. You know I love you right? That you are my one and only baby girl? After I gave her back to her mom, I was very quiet and solem the rest of the day. I thought of you endlessly, and I wish that it was you being passed around. I am trying to understand this emotion that overwhelmed me, but for the life of me I cant figure it out. It has to be because I fear that I would hurt your feelings. You could never be replaced. I love you so much, I am dying a little bit more each day. i am getting better at staying positive though. I think of you and I dont want you to see how I behave sometimes. I dont want you to be dissapointed or embarassed by my irrational and immature moments of weakness where I cant stand the thought of you not being with me. I love you Angel, it's time for me to go, but you know how much I miss you.
Until I hold you again.....
Mommy
Today is 14 months since you left me. 14 months since I held you tiny baby hand and kissed your baby cheeks. Normally I would forget details about memories that were this long ago. Maybe the colors, peoples faces, smells, but not you Angel. I must admit that I still feel like it happened yesterday. Some nights I wake up thinking that it really did happen yesterday. I have had some interesting dreams lately. Miss Teresa says it is my PTSD surfacing. There is always tragedy and death, but now it is not as gory or bloody like before. She says this is a posative thing- that my patterns of thought are changing. You were in one of my dreams. You were dead, just like all the other dreams, but I carried you around like I didnt know you were. I went through all the motions of being a Mom and acted as if you were a breathing, healthy baby. This dream doesnt really bother me, it actually gives me a sense of peace- a false sense of peace, but peace non the less. This last dream was me pulling dead bodies out of a crashed helicopter I was flying in. There was no blood though- it was really strange because these bodies were just flat. It was really odd to me, I woke up bewildered by these bodies and how they looked. That seems to be my theme; bodies, dead ones and there is always something piculiar about them. Detailed marks, colors and smells that leave me either anxious, scared, or craying. I have to tell you what I did a couple weeks ago. I held a baby for the first time since I held you. This was a sweet baby girl and of course she had blue eyes. Maybe 8 weeks old, very sweet and preicious- just like you were. I just felt I should do it, I had a impulse to do it. I thought I would feel sad, upset maybe even cry a little. I longed for you like I always do, but I felt an emotion that I never expected to feel. I felt completly devestated by guilt. I felt guilty for holding this perfect child. It was as if I was betraying you- this is what I am rationalizing in my mind. I have no idea why I felt that way, but I couldnt stop thinking about it for weeks now. You know I love you right? That you are my one and only baby girl? After I gave her back to her mom, I was very quiet and solem the rest of the day. I thought of you endlessly, and I wish that it was you being passed around. I am trying to understand this emotion that overwhelmed me, but for the life of me I cant figure it out. It has to be because I fear that I would hurt your feelings. You could never be replaced. I love you so much, I am dying a little bit more each day. i am getting better at staying positive though. I think of you and I dont want you to see how I behave sometimes. I dont want you to be dissapointed or embarassed by my irrational and immature moments of weakness where I cant stand the thought of you not being with me. I love you Angel, it's time for me to go, but you know how much I miss you.
Until I hold you again.....
Mommy
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Ground Hog Day
Chloe,
God how Ive missed you, I know I havent written in a while. It's always an adventure in the Perry household. I woke up realizing that in a few short months we will be gone away from this place on to our new adventure. I still have mixed emotions about this. We are making all these changes without you. I want to leave this place, but yet I feel this sense of you in everything. Threre is piles upon piles and a closet full of baby clothes, toys and gadgets that I am spinning in my mind about what to do with. Im not paking up a nursery, I am packing up a place where we keep all the things that would have made a nursery. Instead a spare bed and dresser fill the empty space we needed to fill. I still hate going into that room. I cant help but wonder when we leave this place if I am going to be ok? This is where I was born and raised, but since losing you it has not felt like home at all. It almost feels like this alternate universe of a constant zombie like state where I go through the motions of everyday like that movie "Ground Hog Day". I am on auto pilot and I always know what to expect because nothing ever changes. I guess in this state of life and death that that is a good thing. If anything was out of wack it might send me into a death spiral of fucking crazy. (More so than I am already). I have been feeling better, the sun is out longer, the days have more daylight and the snow is starting to melt with the warmer temprature. Soon everything will have a stentch of dog poop as the ground thaws and the snow is completly gone. Then right before we pack up the truck and drive off, it will be green and beautiful again. I am optimistic that the drive will be nice. You will have a front seat view next to me. I have spent countless hours thinking of where you will be on this move. Most mom's worry about car seats, Im trying to think of a place for your urn. I died just thinking about putting you in a box like our house hold goods- who does that? I cant believe I actually have to fucking think about where to place you? You will be next to me, front seat so I can squeeze you the whole time we drive. It would be as if you were bright eyed looking out the window at the world for the first time. At least in my mind this is what it will be like, a dream; this is what my life has evolved to. Never in my life have my dreams been so vivid and so detailed. When I dream of you the world is crystal clear like I am looking through a high definition photo lense. Looking at the world through my eyes in my everyday the vision is distorted, my astigmatism is really bad. I love the clarity I see with you in it. You look so angelic, like a porcelean doll, but a vision of me, your mother. I hope you know that I think of you with everything I do. I hope you know that I live only to hold you again, I will wait, I will find patience. I must because I need you.
Keep your mother in your heart, I need you more than you will ever know. I love you Angel, I miss you so much. Until I hold you again.....
Mommy
God how Ive missed you, I know I havent written in a while. It's always an adventure in the Perry household. I woke up realizing that in a few short months we will be gone away from this place on to our new adventure. I still have mixed emotions about this. We are making all these changes without you. I want to leave this place, but yet I feel this sense of you in everything. Threre is piles upon piles and a closet full of baby clothes, toys and gadgets that I am spinning in my mind about what to do with. Im not paking up a nursery, I am packing up a place where we keep all the things that would have made a nursery. Instead a spare bed and dresser fill the empty space we needed to fill. I still hate going into that room. I cant help but wonder when we leave this place if I am going to be ok? This is where I was born and raised, but since losing you it has not felt like home at all. It almost feels like this alternate universe of a constant zombie like state where I go through the motions of everyday like that movie "Ground Hog Day". I am on auto pilot and I always know what to expect because nothing ever changes. I guess in this state of life and death that that is a good thing. If anything was out of wack it might send me into a death spiral of fucking crazy. (More so than I am already). I have been feeling better, the sun is out longer, the days have more daylight and the snow is starting to melt with the warmer temprature. Soon everything will have a stentch of dog poop as the ground thaws and the snow is completly gone. Then right before we pack up the truck and drive off, it will be green and beautiful again. I am optimistic that the drive will be nice. You will have a front seat view next to me. I have spent countless hours thinking of where you will be on this move. Most mom's worry about car seats, Im trying to think of a place for your urn. I died just thinking about putting you in a box like our house hold goods- who does that? I cant believe I actually have to fucking think about where to place you? You will be next to me, front seat so I can squeeze you the whole time we drive. It would be as if you were bright eyed looking out the window at the world for the first time. At least in my mind this is what it will be like, a dream; this is what my life has evolved to. Never in my life have my dreams been so vivid and so detailed. When I dream of you the world is crystal clear like I am looking through a high definition photo lense. Looking at the world through my eyes in my everyday the vision is distorted, my astigmatism is really bad. I love the clarity I see with you in it. You look so angelic, like a porcelean doll, but a vision of me, your mother. I hope you know that I think of you with everything I do. I hope you know that I live only to hold you again, I will wait, I will find patience. I must because I need you.
Keep your mother in your heart, I need you more than you will ever know. I love you Angel, I miss you so much. Until I hold you again.....
Mommy
Friday, February 15, 2013
I saw your face
Hello Angel,
I miss you still as much as ever. I write to you today in a far better mood than what it was the last month or so in my very dark place. I feel better knowing spring is coming around and knowing that soon this place will be in our rear view mirror. I must admit that I feel guilty though, smiling, laughing, being as "happy" as I can be. It is a far cry from the bubbly relaxed woman I used to be. I cant get over the fact that I am home, where I was born and raised, yet it feels like this strange far off land and I feel so uncomfortable here. I cant explain this. All I know is that you are everywhere. Reminders of what I had and lost are around every corner of this place. I see you in every little blond hair blue eyed toddler learning how to take her first new steps. I smile and yet I die inside at the same time. It is such an overwhelming feeling. I feel a sense of joy and happiness for those mothers and fathers, but yet I am completly shattered about the fact that is is not my life. Stupid, I know. I cant help but wonder if you would have pigtails by now. Would I put ribbons in your hair every morning? Would you fight me tooth and nail to get dressed. Would you be screaming no and me while throwing food at my face. Oh Chloe, you have no idea how much I would love to fight back with you, hear you scream no at me. We could have a good fight together and I would cry laughing so hard. You are my everything, even in death. Nothing can erode this bridge of love that I am crossing over and over again to try to get to you. It sometimes seems hopeless, but I do it day in and day out.
I feel myself gaining strength from the daylight returning. The winters here are long and dark and it really gets to me by the February. If you were here Im sure I wouldnt be having that problem. All the diapers, sleep deprivation, baths, crying, laughing, singing, and kissing. That would be the light in my dark. I cant believe how much time has flown by. You have been gone almost 13 months. I never liked math and having that constant counter of how long you have been gone is killing me. I dont care if it gets better with time (I think that is bullshit by the way), but I feel so far away from you.
You would be happy to know babygirl that there is good movement in the CMV world. The Utah house of reps has had a hearing on screening for CMV and screening newborns in that state. It's not approved yet, but I am very optimistic that 2013 will be a great year for CMV progress as well as a far better year than 2012. I still wish I could do more. I feel like I never do eough, but I am so glad that there are others to drive it like they stole it.
Well sweet girl, this one is short. Between sick kids, homework, work, and your daddy working longer hours I only had a moment. You know I think of you every second of every day. There is nothing, not even death that can keep me from loving you to the moon and back.
I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.
Mommy
I miss you still as much as ever. I write to you today in a far better mood than what it was the last month or so in my very dark place. I feel better knowing spring is coming around and knowing that soon this place will be in our rear view mirror. I must admit that I feel guilty though, smiling, laughing, being as "happy" as I can be. It is a far cry from the bubbly relaxed woman I used to be. I cant get over the fact that I am home, where I was born and raised, yet it feels like this strange far off land and I feel so uncomfortable here. I cant explain this. All I know is that you are everywhere. Reminders of what I had and lost are around every corner of this place. I see you in every little blond hair blue eyed toddler learning how to take her first new steps. I smile and yet I die inside at the same time. It is such an overwhelming feeling. I feel a sense of joy and happiness for those mothers and fathers, but yet I am completly shattered about the fact that is is not my life. Stupid, I know. I cant help but wonder if you would have pigtails by now. Would I put ribbons in your hair every morning? Would you fight me tooth and nail to get dressed. Would you be screaming no and me while throwing food at my face. Oh Chloe, you have no idea how much I would love to fight back with you, hear you scream no at me. We could have a good fight together and I would cry laughing so hard. You are my everything, even in death. Nothing can erode this bridge of love that I am crossing over and over again to try to get to you. It sometimes seems hopeless, but I do it day in and day out.
I feel myself gaining strength from the daylight returning. The winters here are long and dark and it really gets to me by the February. If you were here Im sure I wouldnt be having that problem. All the diapers, sleep deprivation, baths, crying, laughing, singing, and kissing. That would be the light in my dark. I cant believe how much time has flown by. You have been gone almost 13 months. I never liked math and having that constant counter of how long you have been gone is killing me. I dont care if it gets better with time (I think that is bullshit by the way), but I feel so far away from you.
You would be happy to know babygirl that there is good movement in the CMV world. The Utah house of reps has had a hearing on screening for CMV and screening newborns in that state. It's not approved yet, but I am very optimistic that 2013 will be a great year for CMV progress as well as a far better year than 2012. I still wish I could do more. I feel like I never do eough, but I am so glad that there are others to drive it like they stole it.
Well sweet girl, this one is short. Between sick kids, homework, work, and your daddy working longer hours I only had a moment. You know I think of you every second of every day. There is nothing, not even death that can keep me from loving you to the moon and back.
I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Where are you Chloe
Chloe,
Where are you? I have been looking for you everyday for the past year. Your the little girl with blue eyes that is playing with your brother at day care. Your the blonde haired princess playing dress up in your room, your the hopeless wish I have that I would wake up every morning to your smiling face with kisses and tuck you into bed with your butterfly kisses. I have had such a hard time Angel. This is not how I pictured my life would turn out. I miss you wso much I cant stand myself. I have been losing it more and more lately. I have been feeling that horrible sense of not being in control. That feeling that something bad is going to happend around every turn I take. A car tried to murge on the highway in the lane next to me and I had panic attack. It is all pouring back and I hate it so much.
My therapis says I need to write abou my feelings. Funny, but I have been writing about my feelings to you in this blog for almost a year now. Not quite sure if it's helping or if its getting anywhere, but I just like the feeling that you are there on the other end of this computer reading every word I type. Not like a one year old can read, but I know you can feel it. You can read my mind, you dont need to read this text. It's that mother daughter bond that we have. Everyday I am doing something with your sister, you know "mother/ daughter" things, and yet it breaks my heart and fills it with joy at the same time. I will never get to do your hair, I will never get you ready for your first recital, I will never take you to girl scouts, I will never go on one of your school field tripis, and just as I am doing tonight; I will never get to be the "cool mom" for your sleep over. So I will ask again babygirl..... Where are you??!!!!
I might have bit more than I can chew for the next month. I have a full course load with allot of writing and presentations and I am having a hard time concetrating, work, and of course your brothers and sisters have a full plate as well. I have been so tired lately, I have lost my memory so much that I cant even remember what I did yesterday. I lost my keys, my phone, and my mind. I left my phone at the target pharmacy yesterday, but I dont remember ever being at Target. I spent half the day trying to back track my steps, but I couldnt even remember what my steps were. When I finally realized it was target, I drove back there as soon as I could and when I asked the pharmacy lady see said she hadnt seen it like it was no big deal. I was crying in Target like a baby. I was like, you dont understand lady, this is not just a phone, it is a phone with what few precious pictures I have of my dead daughter. Im glad I didnt say that to her, I wanted to. She didnt know any better, not very many people do. Maybe that is why I have such a hard time going out in public. After your birthday last friday, I am in denail and so angry that everyone else's life is going on. The next day and the folloing monday at work was just wierd. I felt like my world was crashing down all over again, and everone else was moving through the day like no big deal. I know this isnt thier problem, but I just wanted to scream. How lucky they are in thier ignorance. I wish I was like that still sometimes, but when I get that whiney, self centered feeling, I remember that if that hadnt happened, if I was ignorance, then I would not have had you in my arms. You would not be this whole in my heart, and I think that is worse than what I have to endure for the rest of my life. You in my life, even with the whole in my heart, is more fulfilling than if you had never existed at all. You know why babygirl? Because I would be dreaming about you every single day an night. My lifes desire as a mother, to have a little girl. I knew I wanted to have a little boy first and I did, but you, you were supposed to be the piece to put our families puzzle together. I am so angry that it was taken from me. What a bunch of bull shit. I wanted you, I wanted to be mother. This wasnt some one night stand, no druken mistake, there was a desire. Then why the hell does it end this way? Women give up thier babies for adoption everyday because they dont want them, women pray and endure ever single medical procedure known to man to have just a tiny chance at making life. So someone needs to explain to me why the fuck my daughter was taken from me? Why women who would make the worlds most amazng mothers are left with baren wombs, but yet some crack sniffing slutty whore who had a one night stand can get pregnant and have a baby on the first shot? Im sorry Chloe, but this world is enough to make go postal on everyone who crosses me wrong.
I hope you know how much I love you, miss you, need you. I hope one of these nights I can dream a sweet dream of you, one with out some bloody gory traumatic end. I love you my Angel, you will always and forever be one of my greatest masterpieces.
I love you, I miss you, unitl I hold you again.
Mommy
Where are you? I have been looking for you everyday for the past year. Your the little girl with blue eyes that is playing with your brother at day care. Your the blonde haired princess playing dress up in your room, your the hopeless wish I have that I would wake up every morning to your smiling face with kisses and tuck you into bed with your butterfly kisses. I have had such a hard time Angel. This is not how I pictured my life would turn out. I miss you wso much I cant stand myself. I have been losing it more and more lately. I have been feeling that horrible sense of not being in control. That feeling that something bad is going to happend around every turn I take. A car tried to murge on the highway in the lane next to me and I had panic attack. It is all pouring back and I hate it so much.
My therapis says I need to write abou my feelings. Funny, but I have been writing about my feelings to you in this blog for almost a year now. Not quite sure if it's helping or if its getting anywhere, but I just like the feeling that you are there on the other end of this computer reading every word I type. Not like a one year old can read, but I know you can feel it. You can read my mind, you dont need to read this text. It's that mother daughter bond that we have. Everyday I am doing something with your sister, you know "mother/ daughter" things, and yet it breaks my heart and fills it with joy at the same time. I will never get to do your hair, I will never get you ready for your first recital, I will never take you to girl scouts, I will never go on one of your school field tripis, and just as I am doing tonight; I will never get to be the "cool mom" for your sleep over. So I will ask again babygirl..... Where are you??!!!!
I might have bit more than I can chew for the next month. I have a full course load with allot of writing and presentations and I am having a hard time concetrating, work, and of course your brothers and sisters have a full plate as well. I have been so tired lately, I have lost my memory so much that I cant even remember what I did yesterday. I lost my keys, my phone, and my mind. I left my phone at the target pharmacy yesterday, but I dont remember ever being at Target. I spent half the day trying to back track my steps, but I couldnt even remember what my steps were. When I finally realized it was target, I drove back there as soon as I could and when I asked the pharmacy lady see said she hadnt seen it like it was no big deal. I was crying in Target like a baby. I was like, you dont understand lady, this is not just a phone, it is a phone with what few precious pictures I have of my dead daughter. Im glad I didnt say that to her, I wanted to. She didnt know any better, not very many people do. Maybe that is why I have such a hard time going out in public. After your birthday last friday, I am in denail and so angry that everyone else's life is going on. The next day and the folloing monday at work was just wierd. I felt like my world was crashing down all over again, and everone else was moving through the day like no big deal. I know this isnt thier problem, but I just wanted to scream. How lucky they are in thier ignorance. I wish I was like that still sometimes, but when I get that whiney, self centered feeling, I remember that if that hadnt happened, if I was ignorance, then I would not have had you in my arms. You would not be this whole in my heart, and I think that is worse than what I have to endure for the rest of my life. You in my life, even with the whole in my heart, is more fulfilling than if you had never existed at all. You know why babygirl? Because I would be dreaming about you every single day an night. My lifes desire as a mother, to have a little girl. I knew I wanted to have a little boy first and I did, but you, you were supposed to be the piece to put our families puzzle together. I am so angry that it was taken from me. What a bunch of bull shit. I wanted you, I wanted to be mother. This wasnt some one night stand, no druken mistake, there was a desire. Then why the hell does it end this way? Women give up thier babies for adoption everyday because they dont want them, women pray and endure ever single medical procedure known to man to have just a tiny chance at making life. So someone needs to explain to me why the fuck my daughter was taken from me? Why women who would make the worlds most amazng mothers are left with baren wombs, but yet some crack sniffing slutty whore who had a one night stand can get pregnant and have a baby on the first shot? Im sorry Chloe, but this world is enough to make go postal on everyone who crosses me wrong.
I hope you know how much I love you, miss you, need you. I hope one of these nights I can dream a sweet dream of you, one with out some bloody gory traumatic end. I love you my Angel, you will always and forever be one of my greatest masterpieces.
I love you, I miss you, unitl I hold you again.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
The hangover
Chloe,
I thougth today would be easier than yesterday- it's not. For some reason it feels harder, I feel worse than I did yesterday. I thought I wouldnt sleep, but I did. Not well, not sound, but enough to wake up feeling like I got ran over by a truck. My body hurts, my heart hurts, fuck- everything hurts. I knew I would play that day over in my head, its been going round and round all day. I can see your face clear as day. I have been so foggy over this past year, I thought I had forgotten what you look like. I know I am not facing this the way I should . I avoid looking at your pictures on the wall, I feel like I cant make eye contact with you- after all, I let you down. I worked so hard at keeping it together yesterday that I have nothing left for today. I wish I could dream about you, something good and pure. I had a dream about you the night before your birthday, but I should really call it a nightmare. It was the hospital room all over again. The birthing part was over, family had finally left- it must have been about 3 a.m. That was the time that we had to ourselves and I just snuggled with you in that hospital bed. In my dream I felt this sense of peace. Much like when I held you. At that time I was not in reality and the thought of not taking you home hadnt hit me yet. The peace was shattered when I fell asleep with you in my arms. I lost my grip on you and you fell off the bed and hit the hospital floor. I woke up sweating in a panic that night, I jumped up out of bed to the sound of cracking bones. Your bones, its all so no fair. Since then I have been afraid to go to sleep. I keep going back to the hospital, but there is always some devstating tragic twist (more so than what already was tragic). Last time I held you your eyes opened and you stared at me, then I had the dream that we were eaten by bears, another when we were finally allowed to bring you home and we were in a head on collision. I cant remember ever having good dreams. I wish I could have dreams where I could watch you grow, talk to you, be a mother to you. If I can't have you here in reality, why can't I have you in my dreams? Real or not, Im sure it would ease my broken heart. To see you grow, watch you become a beautiful little girl, to hold you, hug you, wipe your tears away.
Ive been remember the weeks after your death. The confusion and chaos I felt every second of every day. I remember the first day home, just sitting on the couch not bein able to move. I wasnt really sore from the birth, but when my milk came and there was no where for it to go, it was the most excrutiating pain I have ever had. My body did as it was supposed to, but you were not there. My purpose was gone. The doctors and nurses were wonderful during that time, but no one ever explained to me the physical wreck I would be. They went over and over about my emotional state, the hormones, they even tried to shove anti-depressants down my throat. I felt that I could take it on, on biggie. Im good at taking my emotions and shoving them away. I was great at it for at least six months. But the body pain never left, it is still here even a year later. It is amazing the love a mother has for a child. I am not trying to discredit a father's love, but when you are growing that child inside of you and you have this connection that can not be felt by anyone else. We were together, working together, becoming a part of eachother. To this day when I hear the cry of a newborn my chest screams out in pain. I will get that ache in my stomach and I will be almost dropping to my knees in pain. This pain travels through my entire body- head to toe. The mind can play mean tricks on the heart. The heart will always be more vulnerable, add the gift of sight and you are one cocktail away from a bloody mary. Do you know how much I love you Chloe? If you dont know, then I am not working hard enough. I would give anything to go back to those 16 hours just to see you one more time. If this hasnt killed me yet, then why shouldnt I go back. I know that I will die young, I can feel it. Grief takes such a toll on the mind, body and heart. I get heart palpatations, unexplained pain, and constant shaking and nervousness. I can say I hate it, but you are worth every bit of it. I will take these pains, for if I didnt, it would be the life you would have to face. You were obviously far to precious and pure to take this sad world on.
Well the rage isnt here yet, it more just the unbearable sorrow. I must go for now sweet Angel. I love you, I miss you, Until I hold you again.
Mommy
P.S. I hope you got mommy and daddy's love note yesterday ;0)
I thougth today would be easier than yesterday- it's not. For some reason it feels harder, I feel worse than I did yesterday. I thought I wouldnt sleep, but I did. Not well, not sound, but enough to wake up feeling like I got ran over by a truck. My body hurts, my heart hurts, fuck- everything hurts. I knew I would play that day over in my head, its been going round and round all day. I can see your face clear as day. I have been so foggy over this past year, I thought I had forgotten what you look like. I know I am not facing this the way I should . I avoid looking at your pictures on the wall, I feel like I cant make eye contact with you- after all, I let you down. I worked so hard at keeping it together yesterday that I have nothing left for today. I wish I could dream about you, something good and pure. I had a dream about you the night before your birthday, but I should really call it a nightmare. It was the hospital room all over again. The birthing part was over, family had finally left- it must have been about 3 a.m. That was the time that we had to ourselves and I just snuggled with you in that hospital bed. In my dream I felt this sense of peace. Much like when I held you. At that time I was not in reality and the thought of not taking you home hadnt hit me yet. The peace was shattered when I fell asleep with you in my arms. I lost my grip on you and you fell off the bed and hit the hospital floor. I woke up sweating in a panic that night, I jumped up out of bed to the sound of cracking bones. Your bones, its all so no fair. Since then I have been afraid to go to sleep. I keep going back to the hospital, but there is always some devstating tragic twist (more so than what already was tragic). Last time I held you your eyes opened and you stared at me, then I had the dream that we were eaten by bears, another when we were finally allowed to bring you home and we were in a head on collision. I cant remember ever having good dreams. I wish I could have dreams where I could watch you grow, talk to you, be a mother to you. If I can't have you here in reality, why can't I have you in my dreams? Real or not, Im sure it would ease my broken heart. To see you grow, watch you become a beautiful little girl, to hold you, hug you, wipe your tears away.
Ive been remember the weeks after your death. The confusion and chaos I felt every second of every day. I remember the first day home, just sitting on the couch not bein able to move. I wasnt really sore from the birth, but when my milk came and there was no where for it to go, it was the most excrutiating pain I have ever had. My body did as it was supposed to, but you were not there. My purpose was gone. The doctors and nurses were wonderful during that time, but no one ever explained to me the physical wreck I would be. They went over and over about my emotional state, the hormones, they even tried to shove anti-depressants down my throat. I felt that I could take it on, on biggie. Im good at taking my emotions and shoving them away. I was great at it for at least six months. But the body pain never left, it is still here even a year later. It is amazing the love a mother has for a child. I am not trying to discredit a father's love, but when you are growing that child inside of you and you have this connection that can not be felt by anyone else. We were together, working together, becoming a part of eachother. To this day when I hear the cry of a newborn my chest screams out in pain. I will get that ache in my stomach and I will be almost dropping to my knees in pain. This pain travels through my entire body- head to toe. The mind can play mean tricks on the heart. The heart will always be more vulnerable, add the gift of sight and you are one cocktail away from a bloody mary. Do you know how much I love you Chloe? If you dont know, then I am not working hard enough. I would give anything to go back to those 16 hours just to see you one more time. If this hasnt killed me yet, then why shouldnt I go back. I know that I will die young, I can feel it. Grief takes such a toll on the mind, body and heart. I get heart palpatations, unexplained pain, and constant shaking and nervousness. I can say I hate it, but you are worth every bit of it. I will take these pains, for if I didnt, it would be the life you would have to face. You were obviously far to precious and pure to take this sad world on.
Well the rage isnt here yet, it more just the unbearable sorrow. I must go for now sweet Angel. I love you, I miss you, Until I hold you again.
Mommy
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