Hey there blue eyes,
Today is 14 months since you left me. 14 months since I held you tiny baby hand and kissed your baby cheeks. Normally I would forget details about memories that were this long ago. Maybe the colors, peoples faces, smells, but not you Angel. I must admit that I still feel like it happened yesterday. Some nights I wake up thinking that it really did happen yesterday. I have had some interesting dreams lately. Miss Teresa says it is my PTSD surfacing. There is always tragedy and death, but now it is not as gory or bloody like before. She says this is a posative thing- that my patterns of thought are changing. You were in one of my dreams. You were dead, just like all the other dreams, but I carried you around like I didnt know you were. I went through all the motions of being a Mom and acted as if you were a breathing, healthy baby. This dream doesnt really bother me, it actually gives me a sense of peace- a false sense of peace, but peace non the less. This last dream was me pulling dead bodies out of a crashed helicopter I was flying in. There was no blood though- it was really strange because these bodies were just flat. It was really odd to me, I woke up bewildered by these bodies and how they looked. That seems to be my theme; bodies, dead ones and there is always something piculiar about them. Detailed marks, colors and smells that leave me either anxious, scared, or craying. I have to tell you what I did a couple weeks ago. I held a baby for the first time since I held you. This was a sweet baby girl and of course she had blue eyes. Maybe 8 weeks old, very sweet and preicious- just like you were. I just felt I should do it, I had a impulse to do it. I thought I would feel sad, upset maybe even cry a little. I longed for you like I always do, but I felt an emotion that I never expected to feel. I felt completly devestated by guilt. I felt guilty for holding this perfect child. It was as if I was betraying you- this is what I am rationalizing in my mind. I have no idea why I felt that way, but I couldnt stop thinking about it for weeks now. You know I love you right? That you are my one and only baby girl? After I gave her back to her mom, I was very quiet and solem the rest of the day. I thought of you endlessly, and I wish that it was you being passed around. I am trying to understand this emotion that overwhelmed me, but for the life of me I cant figure it out. It has to be because I fear that I would hurt your feelings. You could never be replaced. I love you so much, I am dying a little bit more each day. i am getting better at staying positive though. I think of you and I dont want you to see how I behave sometimes. I dont want you to be dissapointed or embarassed by my irrational and immature moments of weakness where I cant stand the thought of you not being with me. I love you Angel, it's time for me to go, but you know how much I miss you.
Until I hold you again.....
Mommy
Monday, March 25, 2013
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Ground Hog Day
Chloe,
God how Ive missed you, I know I havent written in a while. It's always an adventure in the Perry household. I woke up realizing that in a few short months we will be gone away from this place on to our new adventure. I still have mixed emotions about this. We are making all these changes without you. I want to leave this place, but yet I feel this sense of you in everything. Threre is piles upon piles and a closet full of baby clothes, toys and gadgets that I am spinning in my mind about what to do with. Im not paking up a nursery, I am packing up a place where we keep all the things that would have made a nursery. Instead a spare bed and dresser fill the empty space we needed to fill. I still hate going into that room. I cant help but wonder when we leave this place if I am going to be ok? This is where I was born and raised, but since losing you it has not felt like home at all. It almost feels like this alternate universe of a constant zombie like state where I go through the motions of everyday like that movie "Ground Hog Day". I am on auto pilot and I always know what to expect because nothing ever changes. I guess in this state of life and death that that is a good thing. If anything was out of wack it might send me into a death spiral of fucking crazy. (More so than I am already). I have been feeling better, the sun is out longer, the days have more daylight and the snow is starting to melt with the warmer temprature. Soon everything will have a stentch of dog poop as the ground thaws and the snow is completly gone. Then right before we pack up the truck and drive off, it will be green and beautiful again. I am optimistic that the drive will be nice. You will have a front seat view next to me. I have spent countless hours thinking of where you will be on this move. Most mom's worry about car seats, Im trying to think of a place for your urn. I died just thinking about putting you in a box like our house hold goods- who does that? I cant believe I actually have to fucking think about where to place you? You will be next to me, front seat so I can squeeze you the whole time we drive. It would be as if you were bright eyed looking out the window at the world for the first time. At least in my mind this is what it will be like, a dream; this is what my life has evolved to. Never in my life have my dreams been so vivid and so detailed. When I dream of you the world is crystal clear like I am looking through a high definition photo lense. Looking at the world through my eyes in my everyday the vision is distorted, my astigmatism is really bad. I love the clarity I see with you in it. You look so angelic, like a porcelean doll, but a vision of me, your mother. I hope you know that I think of you with everything I do. I hope you know that I live only to hold you again, I will wait, I will find patience. I must because I need you.
Keep your mother in your heart, I need you more than you will ever know. I love you Angel, I miss you so much. Until I hold you again.....
Mommy
God how Ive missed you, I know I havent written in a while. It's always an adventure in the Perry household. I woke up realizing that in a few short months we will be gone away from this place on to our new adventure. I still have mixed emotions about this. We are making all these changes without you. I want to leave this place, but yet I feel this sense of you in everything. Threre is piles upon piles and a closet full of baby clothes, toys and gadgets that I am spinning in my mind about what to do with. Im not paking up a nursery, I am packing up a place where we keep all the things that would have made a nursery. Instead a spare bed and dresser fill the empty space we needed to fill. I still hate going into that room. I cant help but wonder when we leave this place if I am going to be ok? This is where I was born and raised, but since losing you it has not felt like home at all. It almost feels like this alternate universe of a constant zombie like state where I go through the motions of everyday like that movie "Ground Hog Day". I am on auto pilot and I always know what to expect because nothing ever changes. I guess in this state of life and death that that is a good thing. If anything was out of wack it might send me into a death spiral of fucking crazy. (More so than I am already). I have been feeling better, the sun is out longer, the days have more daylight and the snow is starting to melt with the warmer temprature. Soon everything will have a stentch of dog poop as the ground thaws and the snow is completly gone. Then right before we pack up the truck and drive off, it will be green and beautiful again. I am optimistic that the drive will be nice. You will have a front seat view next to me. I have spent countless hours thinking of where you will be on this move. Most mom's worry about car seats, Im trying to think of a place for your urn. I died just thinking about putting you in a box like our house hold goods- who does that? I cant believe I actually have to fucking think about where to place you? You will be next to me, front seat so I can squeeze you the whole time we drive. It would be as if you were bright eyed looking out the window at the world for the first time. At least in my mind this is what it will be like, a dream; this is what my life has evolved to. Never in my life have my dreams been so vivid and so detailed. When I dream of you the world is crystal clear like I am looking through a high definition photo lense. Looking at the world through my eyes in my everyday the vision is distorted, my astigmatism is really bad. I love the clarity I see with you in it. You look so angelic, like a porcelean doll, but a vision of me, your mother. I hope you know that I think of you with everything I do. I hope you know that I live only to hold you again, I will wait, I will find patience. I must because I need you.
Keep your mother in your heart, I need you more than you will ever know. I love you Angel, I miss you so much. Until I hold you again.....
Mommy
Friday, February 15, 2013
I saw your face
Hello Angel,
I miss you still as much as ever. I write to you today in a far better mood than what it was the last month or so in my very dark place. I feel better knowing spring is coming around and knowing that soon this place will be in our rear view mirror. I must admit that I feel guilty though, smiling, laughing, being as "happy" as I can be. It is a far cry from the bubbly relaxed woman I used to be. I cant get over the fact that I am home, where I was born and raised, yet it feels like this strange far off land and I feel so uncomfortable here. I cant explain this. All I know is that you are everywhere. Reminders of what I had and lost are around every corner of this place. I see you in every little blond hair blue eyed toddler learning how to take her first new steps. I smile and yet I die inside at the same time. It is such an overwhelming feeling. I feel a sense of joy and happiness for those mothers and fathers, but yet I am completly shattered about the fact that is is not my life. Stupid, I know. I cant help but wonder if you would have pigtails by now. Would I put ribbons in your hair every morning? Would you fight me tooth and nail to get dressed. Would you be screaming no and me while throwing food at my face. Oh Chloe, you have no idea how much I would love to fight back with you, hear you scream no at me. We could have a good fight together and I would cry laughing so hard. You are my everything, even in death. Nothing can erode this bridge of love that I am crossing over and over again to try to get to you. It sometimes seems hopeless, but I do it day in and day out.
I feel myself gaining strength from the daylight returning. The winters here are long and dark and it really gets to me by the February. If you were here Im sure I wouldnt be having that problem. All the diapers, sleep deprivation, baths, crying, laughing, singing, and kissing. That would be the light in my dark. I cant believe how much time has flown by. You have been gone almost 13 months. I never liked math and having that constant counter of how long you have been gone is killing me. I dont care if it gets better with time (I think that is bullshit by the way), but I feel so far away from you.
You would be happy to know babygirl that there is good movement in the CMV world. The Utah house of reps has had a hearing on screening for CMV and screening newborns in that state. It's not approved yet, but I am very optimistic that 2013 will be a great year for CMV progress as well as a far better year than 2012. I still wish I could do more. I feel like I never do eough, but I am so glad that there are others to drive it like they stole it.
Well sweet girl, this one is short. Between sick kids, homework, work, and your daddy working longer hours I only had a moment. You know I think of you every second of every day. There is nothing, not even death that can keep me from loving you to the moon and back.
I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.
Mommy
I miss you still as much as ever. I write to you today in a far better mood than what it was the last month or so in my very dark place. I feel better knowing spring is coming around and knowing that soon this place will be in our rear view mirror. I must admit that I feel guilty though, smiling, laughing, being as "happy" as I can be. It is a far cry from the bubbly relaxed woman I used to be. I cant get over the fact that I am home, where I was born and raised, yet it feels like this strange far off land and I feel so uncomfortable here. I cant explain this. All I know is that you are everywhere. Reminders of what I had and lost are around every corner of this place. I see you in every little blond hair blue eyed toddler learning how to take her first new steps. I smile and yet I die inside at the same time. It is such an overwhelming feeling. I feel a sense of joy and happiness for those mothers and fathers, but yet I am completly shattered about the fact that is is not my life. Stupid, I know. I cant help but wonder if you would have pigtails by now. Would I put ribbons in your hair every morning? Would you fight me tooth and nail to get dressed. Would you be screaming no and me while throwing food at my face. Oh Chloe, you have no idea how much I would love to fight back with you, hear you scream no at me. We could have a good fight together and I would cry laughing so hard. You are my everything, even in death. Nothing can erode this bridge of love that I am crossing over and over again to try to get to you. It sometimes seems hopeless, but I do it day in and day out.
I feel myself gaining strength from the daylight returning. The winters here are long and dark and it really gets to me by the February. If you were here Im sure I wouldnt be having that problem. All the diapers, sleep deprivation, baths, crying, laughing, singing, and kissing. That would be the light in my dark. I cant believe how much time has flown by. You have been gone almost 13 months. I never liked math and having that constant counter of how long you have been gone is killing me. I dont care if it gets better with time (I think that is bullshit by the way), but I feel so far away from you.
You would be happy to know babygirl that there is good movement in the CMV world. The Utah house of reps has had a hearing on screening for CMV and screening newborns in that state. It's not approved yet, but I am very optimistic that 2013 will be a great year for CMV progress as well as a far better year than 2012. I still wish I could do more. I feel like I never do eough, but I am so glad that there are others to drive it like they stole it.
Well sweet girl, this one is short. Between sick kids, homework, work, and your daddy working longer hours I only had a moment. You know I think of you every second of every day. There is nothing, not even death that can keep me from loving you to the moon and back.
I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Where are you Chloe
Chloe,
Where are you? I have been looking for you everyday for the past year. Your the little girl with blue eyes that is playing with your brother at day care. Your the blonde haired princess playing dress up in your room, your the hopeless wish I have that I would wake up every morning to your smiling face with kisses and tuck you into bed with your butterfly kisses. I have had such a hard time Angel. This is not how I pictured my life would turn out. I miss you wso much I cant stand myself. I have been losing it more and more lately. I have been feeling that horrible sense of not being in control. That feeling that something bad is going to happend around every turn I take. A car tried to murge on the highway in the lane next to me and I had panic attack. It is all pouring back and I hate it so much.
My therapis says I need to write abou my feelings. Funny, but I have been writing about my feelings to you in this blog for almost a year now. Not quite sure if it's helping or if its getting anywhere, but I just like the feeling that you are there on the other end of this computer reading every word I type. Not like a one year old can read, but I know you can feel it. You can read my mind, you dont need to read this text. It's that mother daughter bond that we have. Everyday I am doing something with your sister, you know "mother/ daughter" things, and yet it breaks my heart and fills it with joy at the same time. I will never get to do your hair, I will never get you ready for your first recital, I will never take you to girl scouts, I will never go on one of your school field tripis, and just as I am doing tonight; I will never get to be the "cool mom" for your sleep over. So I will ask again babygirl..... Where are you??!!!!
I might have bit more than I can chew for the next month. I have a full course load with allot of writing and presentations and I am having a hard time concetrating, work, and of course your brothers and sisters have a full plate as well. I have been so tired lately, I have lost my memory so much that I cant even remember what I did yesterday. I lost my keys, my phone, and my mind. I left my phone at the target pharmacy yesterday, but I dont remember ever being at Target. I spent half the day trying to back track my steps, but I couldnt even remember what my steps were. When I finally realized it was target, I drove back there as soon as I could and when I asked the pharmacy lady see said she hadnt seen it like it was no big deal. I was crying in Target like a baby. I was like, you dont understand lady, this is not just a phone, it is a phone with what few precious pictures I have of my dead daughter. Im glad I didnt say that to her, I wanted to. She didnt know any better, not very many people do. Maybe that is why I have such a hard time going out in public. After your birthday last friday, I am in denail and so angry that everyone else's life is going on. The next day and the folloing monday at work was just wierd. I felt like my world was crashing down all over again, and everone else was moving through the day like no big deal. I know this isnt thier problem, but I just wanted to scream. How lucky they are in thier ignorance. I wish I was like that still sometimes, but when I get that whiney, self centered feeling, I remember that if that hadnt happened, if I was ignorance, then I would not have had you in my arms. You would not be this whole in my heart, and I think that is worse than what I have to endure for the rest of my life. You in my life, even with the whole in my heart, is more fulfilling than if you had never existed at all. You know why babygirl? Because I would be dreaming about you every single day an night. My lifes desire as a mother, to have a little girl. I knew I wanted to have a little boy first and I did, but you, you were supposed to be the piece to put our families puzzle together. I am so angry that it was taken from me. What a bunch of bull shit. I wanted you, I wanted to be mother. This wasnt some one night stand, no druken mistake, there was a desire. Then why the hell does it end this way? Women give up thier babies for adoption everyday because they dont want them, women pray and endure ever single medical procedure known to man to have just a tiny chance at making life. So someone needs to explain to me why the fuck my daughter was taken from me? Why women who would make the worlds most amazng mothers are left with baren wombs, but yet some crack sniffing slutty whore who had a one night stand can get pregnant and have a baby on the first shot? Im sorry Chloe, but this world is enough to make go postal on everyone who crosses me wrong.
I hope you know how much I love you, miss you, need you. I hope one of these nights I can dream a sweet dream of you, one with out some bloody gory traumatic end. I love you my Angel, you will always and forever be one of my greatest masterpieces.
I love you, I miss you, unitl I hold you again.
Mommy
Where are you? I have been looking for you everyday for the past year. Your the little girl with blue eyes that is playing with your brother at day care. Your the blonde haired princess playing dress up in your room, your the hopeless wish I have that I would wake up every morning to your smiling face with kisses and tuck you into bed with your butterfly kisses. I have had such a hard time Angel. This is not how I pictured my life would turn out. I miss you wso much I cant stand myself. I have been losing it more and more lately. I have been feeling that horrible sense of not being in control. That feeling that something bad is going to happend around every turn I take. A car tried to murge on the highway in the lane next to me and I had panic attack. It is all pouring back and I hate it so much.
My therapis says I need to write abou my feelings. Funny, but I have been writing about my feelings to you in this blog for almost a year now. Not quite sure if it's helping or if its getting anywhere, but I just like the feeling that you are there on the other end of this computer reading every word I type. Not like a one year old can read, but I know you can feel it. You can read my mind, you dont need to read this text. It's that mother daughter bond that we have. Everyday I am doing something with your sister, you know "mother/ daughter" things, and yet it breaks my heart and fills it with joy at the same time. I will never get to do your hair, I will never get you ready for your first recital, I will never take you to girl scouts, I will never go on one of your school field tripis, and just as I am doing tonight; I will never get to be the "cool mom" for your sleep over. So I will ask again babygirl..... Where are you??!!!!
I might have bit more than I can chew for the next month. I have a full course load with allot of writing and presentations and I am having a hard time concetrating, work, and of course your brothers and sisters have a full plate as well. I have been so tired lately, I have lost my memory so much that I cant even remember what I did yesterday. I lost my keys, my phone, and my mind. I left my phone at the target pharmacy yesterday, but I dont remember ever being at Target. I spent half the day trying to back track my steps, but I couldnt even remember what my steps were. When I finally realized it was target, I drove back there as soon as I could and when I asked the pharmacy lady see said she hadnt seen it like it was no big deal. I was crying in Target like a baby. I was like, you dont understand lady, this is not just a phone, it is a phone with what few precious pictures I have of my dead daughter. Im glad I didnt say that to her, I wanted to. She didnt know any better, not very many people do. Maybe that is why I have such a hard time going out in public. After your birthday last friday, I am in denail and so angry that everyone else's life is going on. The next day and the folloing monday at work was just wierd. I felt like my world was crashing down all over again, and everone else was moving through the day like no big deal. I know this isnt thier problem, but I just wanted to scream. How lucky they are in thier ignorance. I wish I was like that still sometimes, but when I get that whiney, self centered feeling, I remember that if that hadnt happened, if I was ignorance, then I would not have had you in my arms. You would not be this whole in my heart, and I think that is worse than what I have to endure for the rest of my life. You in my life, even with the whole in my heart, is more fulfilling than if you had never existed at all. You know why babygirl? Because I would be dreaming about you every single day an night. My lifes desire as a mother, to have a little girl. I knew I wanted to have a little boy first and I did, but you, you were supposed to be the piece to put our families puzzle together. I am so angry that it was taken from me. What a bunch of bull shit. I wanted you, I wanted to be mother. This wasnt some one night stand, no druken mistake, there was a desire. Then why the hell does it end this way? Women give up thier babies for adoption everyday because they dont want them, women pray and endure ever single medical procedure known to man to have just a tiny chance at making life. So someone needs to explain to me why the fuck my daughter was taken from me? Why women who would make the worlds most amazng mothers are left with baren wombs, but yet some crack sniffing slutty whore who had a one night stand can get pregnant and have a baby on the first shot? Im sorry Chloe, but this world is enough to make go postal on everyone who crosses me wrong.
I hope you know how much I love you, miss you, need you. I hope one of these nights I can dream a sweet dream of you, one with out some bloody gory traumatic end. I love you my Angel, you will always and forever be one of my greatest masterpieces.
I love you, I miss you, unitl I hold you again.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
The hangover
Chloe,
I thougth today would be easier than yesterday- it's not. For some reason it feels harder, I feel worse than I did yesterday. I thought I wouldnt sleep, but I did. Not well, not sound, but enough to wake up feeling like I got ran over by a truck. My body hurts, my heart hurts, fuck- everything hurts. I knew I would play that day over in my head, its been going round and round all day. I can see your face clear as day. I have been so foggy over this past year, I thought I had forgotten what you look like. I know I am not facing this the way I should . I avoid looking at your pictures on the wall, I feel like I cant make eye contact with you- after all, I let you down. I worked so hard at keeping it together yesterday that I have nothing left for today. I wish I could dream about you, something good and pure. I had a dream about you the night before your birthday, but I should really call it a nightmare. It was the hospital room all over again. The birthing part was over, family had finally left- it must have been about 3 a.m. That was the time that we had to ourselves and I just snuggled with you in that hospital bed. In my dream I felt this sense of peace. Much like when I held you. At that time I was not in reality and the thought of not taking you home hadnt hit me yet. The peace was shattered when I fell asleep with you in my arms. I lost my grip on you and you fell off the bed and hit the hospital floor. I woke up sweating in a panic that night, I jumped up out of bed to the sound of cracking bones. Your bones, its all so no fair. Since then I have been afraid to go to sleep. I keep going back to the hospital, but there is always some devstating tragic twist (more so than what already was tragic). Last time I held you your eyes opened and you stared at me, then I had the dream that we were eaten by bears, another when we were finally allowed to bring you home and we were in a head on collision. I cant remember ever having good dreams. I wish I could have dreams where I could watch you grow, talk to you, be a mother to you. If I can't have you here in reality, why can't I have you in my dreams? Real or not, Im sure it would ease my broken heart. To see you grow, watch you become a beautiful little girl, to hold you, hug you, wipe your tears away.
Ive been remember the weeks after your death. The confusion and chaos I felt every second of every day. I remember the first day home, just sitting on the couch not bein able to move. I wasnt really sore from the birth, but when my milk came and there was no where for it to go, it was the most excrutiating pain I have ever had. My body did as it was supposed to, but you were not there. My purpose was gone. The doctors and nurses were wonderful during that time, but no one ever explained to me the physical wreck I would be. They went over and over about my emotional state, the hormones, they even tried to shove anti-depressants down my throat. I felt that I could take it on, on biggie. Im good at taking my emotions and shoving them away. I was great at it for at least six months. But the body pain never left, it is still here even a year later. It is amazing the love a mother has for a child. I am not trying to discredit a father's love, but when you are growing that child inside of you and you have this connection that can not be felt by anyone else. We were together, working together, becoming a part of eachother. To this day when I hear the cry of a newborn my chest screams out in pain. I will get that ache in my stomach and I will be almost dropping to my knees in pain. This pain travels through my entire body- head to toe. The mind can play mean tricks on the heart. The heart will always be more vulnerable, add the gift of sight and you are one cocktail away from a bloody mary. Do you know how much I love you Chloe? If you dont know, then I am not working hard enough. I would give anything to go back to those 16 hours just to see you one more time. If this hasnt killed me yet, then why shouldnt I go back. I know that I will die young, I can feel it. Grief takes such a toll on the mind, body and heart. I get heart palpatations, unexplained pain, and constant shaking and nervousness. I can say I hate it, but you are worth every bit of it. I will take these pains, for if I didnt, it would be the life you would have to face. You were obviously far to precious and pure to take this sad world on.
Well the rage isnt here yet, it more just the unbearable sorrow. I must go for now sweet Angel. I love you, I miss you, Until I hold you again.
Mommy
P.S. I hope you got mommy and daddy's love note yesterday ;0)
I thougth today would be easier than yesterday- it's not. For some reason it feels harder, I feel worse than I did yesterday. I thought I wouldnt sleep, but I did. Not well, not sound, but enough to wake up feeling like I got ran over by a truck. My body hurts, my heart hurts, fuck- everything hurts. I knew I would play that day over in my head, its been going round and round all day. I can see your face clear as day. I have been so foggy over this past year, I thought I had forgotten what you look like. I know I am not facing this the way I should . I avoid looking at your pictures on the wall, I feel like I cant make eye contact with you- after all, I let you down. I worked so hard at keeping it together yesterday that I have nothing left for today. I wish I could dream about you, something good and pure. I had a dream about you the night before your birthday, but I should really call it a nightmare. It was the hospital room all over again. The birthing part was over, family had finally left- it must have been about 3 a.m. That was the time that we had to ourselves and I just snuggled with you in that hospital bed. In my dream I felt this sense of peace. Much like when I held you. At that time I was not in reality and the thought of not taking you home hadnt hit me yet. The peace was shattered when I fell asleep with you in my arms. I lost my grip on you and you fell off the bed and hit the hospital floor. I woke up sweating in a panic that night, I jumped up out of bed to the sound of cracking bones. Your bones, its all so no fair. Since then I have been afraid to go to sleep. I keep going back to the hospital, but there is always some devstating tragic twist (more so than what already was tragic). Last time I held you your eyes opened and you stared at me, then I had the dream that we were eaten by bears, another when we were finally allowed to bring you home and we were in a head on collision. I cant remember ever having good dreams. I wish I could have dreams where I could watch you grow, talk to you, be a mother to you. If I can't have you here in reality, why can't I have you in my dreams? Real or not, Im sure it would ease my broken heart. To see you grow, watch you become a beautiful little girl, to hold you, hug you, wipe your tears away.
Ive been remember the weeks after your death. The confusion and chaos I felt every second of every day. I remember the first day home, just sitting on the couch not bein able to move. I wasnt really sore from the birth, but when my milk came and there was no where for it to go, it was the most excrutiating pain I have ever had. My body did as it was supposed to, but you were not there. My purpose was gone. The doctors and nurses were wonderful during that time, but no one ever explained to me the physical wreck I would be. They went over and over about my emotional state, the hormones, they even tried to shove anti-depressants down my throat. I felt that I could take it on, on biggie. Im good at taking my emotions and shoving them away. I was great at it for at least six months. But the body pain never left, it is still here even a year later. It is amazing the love a mother has for a child. I am not trying to discredit a father's love, but when you are growing that child inside of you and you have this connection that can not be felt by anyone else. We were together, working together, becoming a part of eachother. To this day when I hear the cry of a newborn my chest screams out in pain. I will get that ache in my stomach and I will be almost dropping to my knees in pain. This pain travels through my entire body- head to toe. The mind can play mean tricks on the heart. The heart will always be more vulnerable, add the gift of sight and you are one cocktail away from a bloody mary. Do you know how much I love you Chloe? If you dont know, then I am not working hard enough. I would give anything to go back to those 16 hours just to see you one more time. If this hasnt killed me yet, then why shouldnt I go back. I know that I will die young, I can feel it. Grief takes such a toll on the mind, body and heart. I get heart palpatations, unexplained pain, and constant shaking and nervousness. I can say I hate it, but you are worth every bit of it. I will take these pains, for if I didnt, it would be the life you would have to face. You were obviously far to precious and pure to take this sad world on.
Well the rage isnt here yet, it more just the unbearable sorrow. I must go for now sweet Angel. I love you, I miss you, Until I hold you again.
Mommy
Friday, January 25, 2013
Happy birth..........oh wait- nevermind.
Ohh babygirl, the day has finally come, your first birthday- blahhhh! I knew this day would haunt me, I knew it would not be another day, but I never would have anticipated that I would feel this lost. Your daddy was a sweet man and let me sleep in and he got your brothers and sisters off to school. I didnt really sleep much, I was up, but I just laid there staring at you. Well, your urn, but in my mind its you, your body, the one thing I have to physically hold in my hands. Your monkey brother and I ate breakfast and spent the moring watching his favorite "Ice Age". There was nothing more sweet when he woke up and I asked him who's birthday was today? He said, "Mine and Choeeee". "Yes baby boy, you are right". I spent the rest of the morning distracting his attention away from the fact that he did not have presents, and where was yours? The mind of a three year old suprises me so much. The morning was routine for the most part, although with every move my body hurt, telling me that the grief would only compound itself. Your daddy and I stopped at the bank, got your pruple balloons with starts, and went to luch at our favorite place. Every where we went we left a little Chloe trail of CMV awareness bracelets and your cards. After lunch and a stop at Costco we headed up the mountain to get as close to you as possible. This is where every fiber of my being was dying, all over again. One year ago today a part of me died. A year ago today, a part of me was carried away in that body bag next to your cold body. A year ago today was the last time I held you in my arms and kissed your cheeks. And to all my pain and agony, it was a year ago today that I forever would be scarred by that fucking virus CMV. The mountain was beautiful, the sun was high, the mountains glistened. It was cold like always, but I still didnt wear a jacket, I just felt like my rage was making my body on fire. There is no balloon in the world that could ease the fact that you are gone, there is not enough purple fingernail polish to make me feel alive again. I wish it didnt have to be this way, my life has been reduced to balloons, an empty nursery, the car seat gone, and no birthday cake to play in. I will never get to watch you as you throw cake from one corner of the house to the other. There will be no presents, friends and family that will celebrate the blessings that is children and most importantly that first birthday. I cried more today than I have in a while, to the point that looking at children brought me to the verge of tears. Everyone looks so happy, so oblivious to the real world, the real world where children get virus's and die and there is nothing thier mom and dad can do about it because no one in the fucking United States of America with power will do a damn thing about it!! I want to scream it to everyone, the ignorance of it all. The most frustrating thing about it all is, why would they be happy? 100 bucks says they have no idea what CMV is or what it stands for. How can I be angry and blame them? I want to blame someone though. I've heard its not my fault a million time, there is nothing I could have done. Tell me a million more times and I will still tell you that I cant see that now. I gave her the virus, I couldnt protect her, I couldnt save her and she came from me with no hope. If that isnt a way to shut down a woman's sole purpose in life, I dont know what else does.
Your blue eyes, how bright they would have shined today. The smiles, the laughter, the giggles, the kisses, the messes- I want them all and I will not get them!!!!! Can someone please just take a knife and slice it down my chest through my heart. Someone might as well, but wait it wouldnt matter. I have a hole in my heart- the knife would miss. I wish there was more I could do to fight this CMV Chloe. It feels like everything is moving at a glacial place and I am always full speed ahead. Ive been told that the first year after the death of a child is the hardest and that the grief usually doesnt become "managable" until after 2 years. As I type this I am sad, angry, and just plain fucking pissed. How can this be the next 50 years of my life? I am to mark the emptyness with not so much as hearing your voice. This truly does not make sense, it is the biggest bass-ackwards shit I have ever heard.
Today I kept your baby blanket with me all day. I thought the fresh air would be nice. When we leave this place will I still feel this empty? Will it be easier than today? I have not played the hospital over in my mind yet; I will save that for later when I cannot sleep. It's coming, I already know. I need to keep it together for your brothers and sisters. If they were not here, I would not have any sanity left. I need them as much as they need me I think, but my reasons are far different than thiers. They have no idea, and I am glad. They know far to much about suffering, pain, and death for thier age. If I can make the world know CMV, I will. There is no doubt that this mountain will be conquered by me, someone, anybody someday. There are others who dispise this virus as much as I do. Eventually something will have to give, someone will have to listen. I will be knocking some heads around if this snail pace wont let up.
Oh sweet girl, we will leave it at this for now. I will save the narsasistic animal mommy rage for later. I love you, I miss you, I so badly just want to hold you again. If only just one more time.
Thank you Christmas for being over....
Chloe,
Christmas and New Years has come and gone. I know I probably should have written something, but I just couldnt. Your brother and sisters were gone the whole time. It was just your Daddy, me, and your monkey of a brother. I dont know if it was because I wasnt going a million miles an hour, or if I had too much time off, but it has been the saddest and most lonely I have ever been since you were taken from me. Christmas is supposed to be a joyous time about family and making memories, but the only memories I can think of was last year. Having you in my belly, kicking, moving, keeping me up at night. I miss that feeling, the feeling of having a purpose. I had one, I was going to become your mother, but in order to do that I had to keep you safe until it was your time to come greet us in this big world. But it never happened. My purpose was stripped from me, I didnt keep you safe. I couldnt save you. Chirstmas is just a reminder of all that. I tried to make it as memorable as I could for your brother, but I think I failed. I think I always fail at what I do now.
Time ticked by slowly, almost dragging and that has never been an issue in our overwhelming lives. To think that you would be 11 months old on christmas day. Now just around the corner, the anniversary of your death. I just dont understand this life I have been thrusted into. I didnt ask for it, I didnt want it. Now, I can barely live in it, but like I always do, I find a way to push on.
Im praying, trying, and dying to get through this next month. I cant believe this time has gone by already and yet it has passed like mollasses. What am I to do without you? Life has gone on around me and sometimes I want to scream to world and say "Dont you remember she is dead?" "Why are you all so happy?" My Chloe is dead, I hate that word. I have never said that word so many times in my life as I have in this short time. It's almost a alternate universe when you are pregnant and ready to give life, when that word is used the most. This fucked up little universe I live in can go fuck itself and CMV, I will make sure it's existence cannot be traced. I hate this Chloe, I do. I wish I had more uplifting things to say, but I guess I really never do. Work will be work, school will still keep me busy (for 6 more classes anyway) and my existance will be marked with the milestones that you will never reach, the moments I will never share with your, and the experiences you were robbed of. This cannot be a healthy way to view life. But what is life, if you are broken, empty and a part of you is missing or in this case, dead as well.
I am hoping for a better year in 2013. Not better in the sense that I will ever be over you, or that this will ever feel better, but in a sense that I can be posative and more motivated to make a difference. I cannot sleep all the time, I can no longer sulk and drown myself in tears when I am alone. I need to move past my debilitating grief and try to live for your with the best of my ability. Dont get me wrong Angel, you are worth every tear, every cry, scream and every moment I stay in bed and avoid the world. But your brothers and sisters are worth just as much, and they need life. They need to have a thriving, happy life. I will do my best, I know there will be days, I know I will forever hate this, but at least I can try harder. For them, for you, for your daddy, and when the time is right-for me.
I will never embrace this life, I will never accept that you were taken from me, but I can get better at putting that smile on my face, I can wear something other than sweat pants, and I can occasionally put on some crazy nail polish and lip gloss on.
I love you Angel, there is no way you couldn't know that. If you dont, then I will find a way to make sure you do for the rest of my life.
I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again....
Mommy
Christmas and New Years has come and gone. I know I probably should have written something, but I just couldnt. Your brother and sisters were gone the whole time. It was just your Daddy, me, and your monkey of a brother. I dont know if it was because I wasnt going a million miles an hour, or if I had too much time off, but it has been the saddest and most lonely I have ever been since you were taken from me. Christmas is supposed to be a joyous time about family and making memories, but the only memories I can think of was last year. Having you in my belly, kicking, moving, keeping me up at night. I miss that feeling, the feeling of having a purpose. I had one, I was going to become your mother, but in order to do that I had to keep you safe until it was your time to come greet us in this big world. But it never happened. My purpose was stripped from me, I didnt keep you safe. I couldnt save you. Chirstmas is just a reminder of all that. I tried to make it as memorable as I could for your brother, but I think I failed. I think I always fail at what I do now.
Time ticked by slowly, almost dragging and that has never been an issue in our overwhelming lives. To think that you would be 11 months old on christmas day. Now just around the corner, the anniversary of your death. I just dont understand this life I have been thrusted into. I didnt ask for it, I didnt want it. Now, I can barely live in it, but like I always do, I find a way to push on.
Im praying, trying, and dying to get through this next month. I cant believe this time has gone by already and yet it has passed like mollasses. What am I to do without you? Life has gone on around me and sometimes I want to scream to world and say "Dont you remember she is dead?" "Why are you all so happy?" My Chloe is dead, I hate that word. I have never said that word so many times in my life as I have in this short time. It's almost a alternate universe when you are pregnant and ready to give life, when that word is used the most. This fucked up little universe I live in can go fuck itself and CMV, I will make sure it's existence cannot be traced. I hate this Chloe, I do. I wish I had more uplifting things to say, but I guess I really never do. Work will be work, school will still keep me busy (for 6 more classes anyway) and my existance will be marked with the milestones that you will never reach, the moments I will never share with your, and the experiences you were robbed of. This cannot be a healthy way to view life. But what is life, if you are broken, empty and a part of you is missing or in this case, dead as well.
I am hoping for a better year in 2013. Not better in the sense that I will ever be over you, or that this will ever feel better, but in a sense that I can be posative and more motivated to make a difference. I cannot sleep all the time, I can no longer sulk and drown myself in tears when I am alone. I need to move past my debilitating grief and try to live for your with the best of my ability. Dont get me wrong Angel, you are worth every tear, every cry, scream and every moment I stay in bed and avoid the world. But your brothers and sisters are worth just as much, and they need life. They need to have a thriving, happy life. I will do my best, I know there will be days, I know I will forever hate this, but at least I can try harder. For them, for you, for your daddy, and when the time is right-for me.
I will never embrace this life, I will never accept that you were taken from me, but I can get better at putting that smile on my face, I can wear something other than sweat pants, and I can occasionally put on some crazy nail polish and lip gloss on.
I love you Angel, there is no way you couldn't know that. If you dont, then I will find a way to make sure you do for the rest of my life.
I love you, I miss you, until I hold you again....
Mommy
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